Daylight
by Marilynschild
Summary: Meredith Grey made one small mistake and now her entire life is turned upside down. She's unemployed, unemployable, and pregnant with a baby she isn't sure she wants. In an effort to figure out her messy life, she finds herself moving to upstate New York, where she meets a small town doctor named Derek Shepherd. Can their connection withstand all life has to throw at them?
1. There's Always That One Stupid Mistake

Chapter 1- There's Always That One Stupid Mistake

Meredith Grey had to be the biggest idiot of all time. She didn't generally think that about herself but today, she was pretty sure of it. Before today, she had actually thought she was pretty lucky. Her job as a journalist was interesting and fast paced and she was going to win awards one day. Or at least, she had thought she would win awards one day. She had thought she'd win a Pulitzer until she had made the biggest mistake in her entire life with her boss. And not just one mistake, because that would have been stupid enough. No, three mistakes. Three really stupid mistakes that were supposed to be forgotten and moved past.

Scott had noticed that the condom had broken on the third time that night in D.C., after the party with their counterparts there. He had joked with her about how he had been overeager to be buried inside her. Of course, as eager as he had been, that had been the last time she had fucked her boss. And it was the last time she had felt even slightly valued by her jackass boss. Because after she had told him she was done with making this mistake, the invitations to parties had stopped. Actually, everything had stopped. The late night phone calls to discuss stories, the winks in meetings right before he assigned her the best leads, and even the free coffees had all stopped. To add insult to injury, Meredith now knew that she was just another notch on Scott's bedpost and that her boss was actually the biggest douchebag on the earth.

Logically, she realized she probably had some kind of case against him. If she had gone to HR and said he was retaliating for ending their physical relationship, then there would be a huge problem and probably an investigation. Especially now, when women were coming forward with their stories and trying to change the most common misconceptions of harassment in the workplace. But Scott hadn't harassed her to sleep with him and she had never thought her job depended on whether or not she slept with him. She had actually kind of figured she had talked him into the first time. She had no idea if this was a pattern with him, she had no idea if the investigation would even go forward since it had all been consensual. So instead of telling anyone about it, she had just kept her mouth shut and started quietly looking elsewhere. Her plan had been to find a new job and walk away from the douchebag, leaving him down his best reporter.

For the last two and a half months, she had thrown herself into it. She had continued to write as well as humanly possible but she had also started to send her portfolio to some of her favorite magazines. She wanted to start writing more columns, to actually start examining the world around her, not just reporting on it. It had been easy to ignore the sense of exhaustion that had started to take over her, easy to forget to worry about her period, and even a little easy to ignore the nausea. At least, it had been easy until a couple days earlier and now…now Meredith felt like the biggest idiot of all time.

She took a deep breath as she picked up her iPad and walked down the hallway towards her morning meeting. She wasn't going to think about what her doctor had said or about the vitamins in her purse right now. All that mattered was going into this meeting and not killing Scott. Committing murder would be really bad and she didn't want…well, there was a lot of things she didn't want. But none of that mattered right now. She was going to do her job just like she had been for the last ten weeks.

"Morning, Mer," one of the other reporters, Hazel, greeted her as she walked in with a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Hazel," Meredith smiled at her before sitting down slowly, willing her stomach to stay settled for at least a few hours. She had swallowed back some ginger ale on her way in but she had no idea if it would actually work.

"You look like hell," Hazel shook her head. "Are you freaking out about why Scott is in with the suits?"

"Scott's in with the suits?" Meredith frowned.

"Yeah, he's been in with them since this morning," Hazel explained as the door opened again for Victor, one of the editors. "Have you heard anything, Vic?"

"About the suits?" Victor asked as he sat down next to Meredith and she tried not to breathe in the smell of his strong cologne mixed with the smell of his morning herbal smoothie. "I've heard as much as you have."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Meredith shook her head. "What do you guys have to present this morning?"

"I'm following up on that insane story about the kids' bulletproof backpacks," Hazel stated. "I turned it into Scott last night and he loved it."

"Hmmm…" Meredith nodded as she glanced at Hazel. She was beautiful with her caramel skin and dark curls and Meredith was pretty sure she was newly divorced so it would make sense that Scott would decide she was next. It almost made her want to go upstairs to HR and tell them everything, but with the newest complication growing inside her, it didn't even seem worth it.

The doors opened again and the rest of the newsroom walked in, which was definitely weird. It was usually the top reporters in the morning meeting but now everyone was standing against the walls as Scott walked in. He was in a suit, his green eyes crinkling as he ran his hands through his sandy brown hair. This didn't feel good. She didn't know a whole lot, but she worked in a day and age where print newspapers were starting to collapse and this felt really bad. Her stomach swirled and she rested her hand over it for a second, even if she wasn't completely sure why.

"Good morning, team," Scott announced as he took his place in the front of the room. "I wanted to thank everyone for coming in this morning, even if it isn't for the best of reasons. I want to thank all of you for all your hard work the last few months, this has easily been the most awesome team in the industry, and I'm so proud to call all of you my family."

"Oh, shit," Hazel breathed, her eyes wide.

"Now, this is such a kick ass team but sometimes we have to break up teams and rebuild to become even better," Scott stated as he leaned over the back of the chair. "I've been meeting a lot with the higher ups and well…I don't think anyone here is operating under the delusion this was going to last forever."

"Well, fuck," Victor whispered and Meredith spread her fingers over her bloated belly. This could not be happening today. There was no way this was happening right now.

"Now, not everyone is leaving so I don't want everyone freaking out," Scott tried to smile warmly, even though he just came across looking like a fucking sociopath. "But, we are going to be letting go of about a hundred and fifty people."

"A hundred and fifty?" Hazel gasped. "Holy shit, Scott, are things really that bad?"

"The times are changing, Hazel," Scott winked at her and Meredith swallowed back the vomit that was building in her throat. "But you keep working on that story, okay? Because it's an important story and it needs to be told."

"Oh…oh great," Hazel grinned widely. "Thanks, Scott."

"It's going to be a rough day for all of us,' Scott looked around the room. "But we'll get through it as a team. We'll support each other and everything will be cool. Everyone who will be leaving us will be getting a really generous severance because we take care of our people."

Meredith shook her head, fighting the urge to ask Scott if he was fucking kidding. Laid off. A hundred and fifty people were being laid off today and Scott was acting like it was no big deal. He had to be the biggest douchebag of all time, there was just no doubt about it. And she was the idiot who had been taken in by his charming smile and great stories about how his career had grown. Her stomach was swirling, she was sweating from the heat of the late July day, and she honestly wasn't sure what to do next. She was vaguely aware of everyone filing out of the room but she could barely breathe as she stared at her iPad screen. "Meredith?" Scott's voice cut into her thoughts and she looked up at him. "Can you join me in my office?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith frowned at him as her heart plummeted.

"Let's take a walk to my office," Scott nodded as he stood and opened the door for her.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," she hissed. "I mean, are you serious right now?"

"Meredith…" Scott shook his head as he took a deep breath. "We don't have to make a scene."

"Don't say we," she groaned as she stood. "You mean me and that seriously takes a lot of balls, Scott."

"Can you just come into my office?" He rolled his eyes at her. "Jesus, Meredith, it's not like I'm having the greatest day of my life. Have some fucking compassion."

"I can guarantee you that I am having a far worse day than you are," Meredith mumbled as she followed her boss down the hallway towards his office. She had probably murdered someone in a past life. She wasn't sure of who but with the kind of karma she had going for her right now, she probably assassinated some amazing world leader who would have ended poverty or something. The only way this day could get worse was if she was hit by a bus, and at this point, that might actually be an improvement.

"Have a seat, Meredith," Scott gestured to the two white leather chairs in front of his desk. "Can I get you anything to drink? Water? A latte?"

"No," she rolled her eyes as she sat down slowly in the chair, wondering if vomit would clean off the leather or stain it.

"God I really hate to do this," Scott shook his head as he stood behind his desk. "We've had some amazing times together over the years and this…I wanted to get this out of the way because I knew it would hurt the worse."

"Scott, I mean this in the most respectful way," Meredith started as she crossed her arms over her tender breasts. "But are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"Meredith, don't," he shook his head. "We're offering you a three month's severance which is pretty amazing and six months health insurance if you don't find another job."

"Pretty amazing?" Meredith stared at him. "Pretty…you're laying me off, Scott. You're not doing me a fucking favor here. I'm one of the best reporters you have and you're firing me."

"We're not firing you," he said quickly. "Cuts had to be made…"

"And you made sure to cut the girl who dumped you," she finished for him.

"That is not what this is about," he denied. "We ended that like adults."

"No, I ended it like an adult and you shut me out," she stated. "I suddenly became invisible to you once I didn't want to suck your dick anymore."

"Do not go there, Meredith," Scott pointed at her, his eyes flashing as he leaned across his desk. "Do not fucking turn this into some Me Too bullshit. You wanted to fuck me. You were desperate to fuck me. I did not harass you or threaten your career so don't even think about going there. I still have your texts talking about my dick inside you."

"Oh great, blackmail," she rolled her eyes.

"And I did not freeze you out," he groaned. "You think I don't have ears all over this city? You've been looking for the last three months and you've been looking hard."

"You…you knew about that?" She breathed as her stomach swirled again and she closed her eyes for a second.

"Of course I fucking knew about that," Scott rolled his eyes. "I know more journalists in this country than most and when editors were calling asking why my top journalist wanted to leave, I made sure to tell them there must be some kind of mistake and that you were going through some shit that I was trying to get you through."

"Wait…wait…" Meredith held up her shaking hand. "You blacklisted me? You fucking blacklisted me and then decided to fire me?"

"We're not firing you, we're making cuts," Scott shrugged. "And I want a team who is loyal to me."

"You…Jesus, Scott, could you be any more of a bastard?" Meredith breathed as she stared at him. "You tanked my career because I was looking?"

"Don't be melodramatic," he shook his head as he reached for a bottle of water that sat on his desk. "It's not tanked. Give it a year or so and everyone will want you. In the meantime, see if Buzzfeed wants you."

"Give…give it a year?" Meredith stared at him as she stood slowly from the white leather chair. "You want me to give it…I don't have a fucking year, Scott. I don't have twelve months to just wait until I can get a job. I don't…fuck, Scott, I don't even have thirty weeks!"

"What?" Scott frowned.

"I'm pregnant!" She gasped, the word coming out of her for the first time since the doctor had told her the news this morning. "I'm ten weeks pregnant, you unimaginable ass."

"Oh," Her boss said carefully as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth. "Oh."

"If you're trying to do the math in that small head of yours, it's D.C. when you couldn't wait to fuck me and the condom broke," she hissed.

"Yeah, I got that," Scott nodded before sitting down at his desk and pulling open a drawer. "There's a doctor in the Upper East Side, very discreet. He'll do it for six hundred and the facilities are really up to date."

"Excuse me?" She breathed as she stared at him. It wasn't that the thought hadn't crossed her mind because it definitely had. Even her doctor had mentioned an abortion to her, but she hadn't made any kind of decision yet. She was thirty-eight years old, she had gotten pregnant despite birth control, and she had no idea if she would ever be able to get pregnant again. It wasn't as easy as just deciding to get an abortion.

"Abortion, Meredith," Scott rolled his eyes as he opened his check book. "I'll write you a check and call him for you, set up the appointment."

"Stop…stop…" she waved her hand. "You…you don't even…you don't have any questions? I have your kid inside me and you don't…"

"That's not my kid, it's some of my DNA," Scott stated. "I don't want kids and I'm not going to hold your hand through a pregnancy so you can get that idea out of your head right now. After you walk out of this office, I never see you again. This check is my last offer of help."

"Okay, and while that's so kind of you to do after letting me go…I haven't made my decision yet," she insisted. "I haven't…I was just told this morning that I have a ten week and two-day old fetus inside me and they let me listen to the heartbeat and I haven't…I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

"Great, and I'm telling you I don't want a kid," he insisted as he wrote out the check. "I don't want to be responsible for a mistake and I don't think you do either."

"You don't get to decide what I think or don't think," Meredith hissed. "And who the fuck said I wanted you involved anyway?"

"I'm not going to be sued for child support in a few years," Scott stated. "I mean it, if you keep it, don't even think about bringing it back here."

"Don't worry, that won't be a problem," she shook her head. "I don't want him or her to have anything to do with you either."

"Great," Scott nodded as he held up the check. "Last chance."

"Fuck you," she hissed. She might regret it later, she realized that. Once her head was clear and she had time to think about what to do with her body and her life, she might regret not accepting some help from him. But he was an asshole and all she wanted was to leave.

"Fine, suit yourself," her boss shrugged as he threw the check down on his desk and handed her a packet of papers. "As of right now, you hand over your iPad, work laptop, work cell phone, and anything else that belongs to the company. You go to your desk, clean it out, and leave without saying a word to anyone else. You'll receive three months' pay and six months health insurance, at the end of which, you can sign up for COBRA if you want."

"Lucky me," she whispered. "Let's hope the baby comes early so I can have health insurance."

'The company will be monitoring your social media and if you say anything about the terms of this severance publicly, you lose everything," Scott continued on before looking up at her. "Any questions?"

"Can I say fuck you again?" She asked.

"I need to know you understand this before I ask you to sign it, Meredith," he sighed heavily.

"I understand,' she sighed heavily.

"Thank you," he nodded before handing her a pen. "Sign and initial on the tabs."

"I really can't believe how much of an asshole you turned out to be," she sighed as she signed and initialed as directed. Her stomach was now doing more of a roll versus a swirl but her head was making up for that by swirling at a pace that was almost making her dizzy.

"This is business, Meredith, it's nothing personal."

"Yeah, I was talking more about having your own personal abortion doctor on speed dial," she pointed out before handing him the paperwork. "That's fucking disgusting."

"Best of luck in the future, Meredith," her ex-boss stated before he turned in his chair and picked up his cell phone. That was it. After years of working with him, after fucking him three times, after finding out she was pregnant with his baby, that was it. She walked slowly back to her desk where a white and brown box was waiting for her and she tried desperately hard not to throw up or cry. She wasn't about to give anyone that satisfaction after being the tough as shit reporter for years.

It was almost too much to believe. A week ago she had had no idea she was pregnant, she had had a job, and she had been pretty sure she could get another one pretty easily. Now she was jobless with absolutely no prospects on the horizon and ten weeks pregnant. It was just too much to handle and she honestly had no idea where to start. A sane woman probably would have already to get an abortion, but she really had no idea if she could or would do it. It wasn't the baby's fault that its father was an asshole and that she had lost her job. But it also seemed like a lot to take on right now.

She grabbed her box and her bag with the prenatal vitamins and walked out of the building, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Ten years of her life had just ended and she didn't want anyone's sympathy. Or at least not anyone's sympathy from work. She desperately needed to talk to her sister and her best friend and try to figure out her mess of a life. She pulled her phone out of her purse and immediately started the FaceTime call as sweat started to drip down her back.

"Mer!" Lexie greeted her before the call connected on Hillary's end and her best friend greeted her with a smile.

"Hey, guys," Meredith sighed. "I…are you guys busy right now?"

"I'm doing laundry so that's a no," Lexie laughed.

"I'm on season four of the Great British Baking Show," Hillary shrugged, tossing her red hair. "This is what happens when my stupid husband is off climbing mountains and my mom actually offers to bond with her grandson."

"So can we meet at our coffee place?" Meredith asked. "I…it's kind of an emergency."

"What kind of emergency?" Hillary asked. "Like…the time you lost your shoes at the U2 concert or…"

"No, this is pretty much Defcon…whatever the highest and worst number is," she sighed heavily. "Think of the emergency of my mom dying and times it by a hundred."

"Oh god…" Lexie breathed, her eyes widening on the phone screen. "Are you…are you okay?"

"Can we just please meet for coffee?" She asked.

"I'm already leaving," Hillary stated. "I'll be there in five minutes."

"Me, too," Lexie nodded.

"Great, I'll get us a table," Meredith sighed before ending the group call. The job thing wouldn't be a big deal to her sister and her best friend. They had all hated Scott for a long time and had thought she was crazy when she had slept with him. So her losing her job, while it would definitely suck, wouldn't register on their surprise scale. It was the pregnancy that was going to blow everything up and she really had no idea how she was going to even begin to plan for this. Thanks to her douchebag boss, she wasn't going to get a job in New York any time soon and while she wasn't exactly worried about money thanks to her mom's inheritance money, she didn't love the idea of not working.

She loved her job. Everyone had expected her to follow in her parents' footsteps and at least try something medical, but ever since she had been a kid, she had loved to interview people and write stories about them. She had always carried around her notebooks and at the age of ten, she had handwritten nine copies of a newspaper she called The Grey Express. For her entire life, she had just wanted to be a journalist, and now it was all falling apart. She wasn't going to wake up tomorrow and go to work, she wasn't going to be able to continue her story on up and coming New York Democrats. A lot could happen to the world in a year and she had no idea if she would ever have the opportunity to jump back into his.

Her throat was closing up and she blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall as she walked towards her favorite coffee shop. Her life was shattering into a million pieces and at some point she'd have to tell her dad and step mom and she wasn't sure she could handle the disappointment that would flash through their eyes. Absolutely nothing in her life felt that great right now, and she really had no idea if it was some kind of hormonal surge or just the fact that everything was so fucked up that was making her chest burn.

Everything was starting to blur as she walked into her favorite coffee shop and took a table near the window before dropping her box on the floor by her feet. Nothing made any sense and she wasn't sure if she needed to be focusing more on the lack of a job thing or the fact she had an actual person growing inside her. There was a person with a heartbeat and a head and apparently growing legs and arms just growing inside her and that was…it was crazy. She hadn't been sure what to do when her doctor had shown her the baby on the ultrasound, but now her brain kept going back to that moment and then flying back to the minute Scott had offered to call his own private abortion doctor.

A waitress came and Meredith heard someone who sounded like her ordering decaf coffee and the peach danish she usually hated. Nothing made sense today, nothing was actually making sense about how she was acting right now or the steps she was taking for a fetus she hadn't even known existed until today, and especially not for a fetus she wasn't even sure she wanted. Because wanting to carry Scott's child and give birth to it and raise it was probably the craziest thing ever.

"Mer?" Hillary called her name and Meredith to looked up to see her baby sister and her best friend staring at her with almost identical looks of concern on their faces.

"Hey, guys," she breathed.

"You look like crap," Lexie frowned as she sat down next to her. "Are you okay?"

"I…" Meredith took a deep breath as she stared down at her decaf coffee. "Let's play a game."

"Oh god, not the game," Hillary shook her head. "Meredith, we are not playing this game. Your life doesn't suck and you will find a new job at some point."

"Oh no," Meredith started to giggle. "Oh that's…that's actually part of the game. I'll go first. Scott just fired me."

"What?" Lexie gasped.

"Fine, he didn't fire me per se, but cuts had to be made and I was the first cut," Meredith laughed, shaking her head. "He claimed it wasn't because I fucked him three times and sucked him off twice…he says we handled it like adults. Which is actually really fucking funny because he isn't an adult. He's a fucking man baby who just got me blacklisted at every newspaper and magazine in New York City."

"He…he did what?" Hillary breathed.

"He found out I was looking and got me blacklisted," Meredith shook her head. "I can't get a job anywhere in this city for at least a year. And then he fucking fired me."

"Are you serious?" Her sister gasped, shaking her head as she reached for Meredith's hand and squeezed. "He can't…he can't do that. He just can't. It's wrong and crappy and it…it makes him a terrible person. Like the worst person."

"Lexie's right, Mer, there's no way he can do that," Hillary agreed. "There has to be some kind of case here. I mean, fine, you lost your mind three times and had sex with him but he can't ruin your life for it. He can't…this is gross. This is really gross and I think I should call Kev and ask him if you have a case."

"It was consensual," Meredith laughed a little louder, realizing that she was starting to sound a little crazy. "It was consensual and I broke it off because I realized I had gone crazy and now…it was consensual and there is no case and anyway even if there was a case, I can't…those cases could take forever and that's just…I can't."

"He's ruining your career!" Lexie pointed out. "He's…why is he such a jackass? Why can't he just be a normal human being and try to be nice and not ruin everything just because he got his stupid boy feelings hurt?"

"It's retaliation," Hillary stated firmly. "It's retaliation and it's so gross and I'm telling you, Mer, you can't let this stand. Who cares if it was consensual? He doesn't have the right to destroy your life because you broke off consensual sex."

"I really, really can't do a report or a trial or…" Meredith took a deep breath as she glanced at her best friend and then her sister. "There's one more thing."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Lexie demanded. "Because I'll kill him dead and I won't even make it look like an accident. Not that I know how but I watch a lot of TV and I think I can figure it out."

"No…he didn't…I don't…" Meredith felt her hand curve over her bloated stomach and she closed her eyes for a second. "I'm pregnant."

"Wh-what?" Hillary and Lexie both said at once and Meredith opened her eyes to see the shock moving over their faces.

"I'm pregnant," she repeated. "I'm ten weeks pregnant."

"Are…are you sure?" Lexie whispered. "Because sometimes at home pregnancy tests are wrong and you should…"

"No, I'm sure," she stated as she reached into her purse for the ultrasound picture. "I went to the doctor this morning because my favorite body wash has been making me super nauseous and I…the doctor said I'm ten weeks and two days pregnant. That there's this…I mean, it's a human being. There's a baby human growing in me and that its heartbeat was really strong and there aren't any signs of genetic abnormalities and that…I mean, I'm pregnant."

"Meredith…" Hillary breathed, her eyes wide as Meredith slid the grainy black and white picture onto the table. "Oh my god."

"You're…holy shit, Mer," Lexie whispered and all three of them went silent for a moment. There was obviously no reason to talk when an ultrasound picture was doing all of the crazy talking. "Is…it's his?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "It's Scott's."

"Fuck," Hillary whispered as she reached for Meredith's hand. "Did...did you tell him?"

"Hmmmm..." she breathed. "He offered me six hundred dollars and the services of a really discreet doctor on the Upper East Side."

"That...you told him you were pregnant with his kid..."

"It's not his kid," Meredith shook her head. "It's some of his DNA. That's what he said. He wants nothing to do with it and he's not going to hold my hand during a pregnancy and he was doing me a favor by offering me the money for an abortion."

"Oh my god, Mer," Lexie whispered before wrapping her arms tightly around her.

"I didn't take it," she whispered just before she felt her shoulders shake. "I didn't...maybe I should have. Or I...I couldn't take it because I just found out. I know...it's on the table but there's this little person growing inside me and I haven't...I don't know..."

"You don't have to know yet, Mer," Hillary murmured. "This...it's a huge decision and a lot of factors go into it and you don't have to know yet. And you definitely shouldn't have taken money from a guy who knows how much abortions cost off the top of his head and has an abortion guy on speed dial."

"Oh," Meredith laughed shakily as Hillary ran her fingers through her hair. "That...that's gross, right?"

"Super gross," Lexie agreed and then pulled back slightly. "What...I mean...god, Mer, you're pregnant."

"I know," She whispered. "And unemployed. And unemployable. How can I bring a baby into this world when I have literally nothing to give it?"

"Okay, I know this is a shit show but you don't have to be melodramatic," Hillary admonished. "I bet your inheritance has accrued a huge amount of interest. And how long have you been talking about writing a collection of essays? Maybe this is the right time to do it. It's like...a sign from the universe."

"A sign not to fuck my sleazy boss?" Meredith raised her eyebrow. "Because the time for that sign was three months ago when I fucked him in his office."

"You know we weren't big fans of…well, that," Lexie blushed sightly. "But Hillary's right. Things always happen for a reason and maybe this is so that you can win a Pulitzer or something. Go freelance and write about what you want and be who you want without that…I mean, without some gross gross person telling you who to be."

"Go freelance while I'm growing a person?" She challenged her sister.

"I was trying to tackle the whole unemployed thing first," Lexie shook her head. "Because while I think you would be an amazing mom and I would clearly love to have another niece or nephew, deciding to have a baby is a really big, scary thing and it's up to you."

"Yeah, that's not a decision either of us can make for you," Hillary agreed. "I do think there's some merit to the fact you didn't immediately run to a clinic though."

"I just…" Meredith shook her head as she stared at the ultrasound picture still on the table. "I'm thirty-eight. That's not…and I mean, I have no…I don't really want to get married. But a baby…there's a part of me that wonders and I'm pretty sure it's that stupid biological clock thing which I totally thought was a sexist lie but…I'm thirty eight. And it's not the baby's fault that I fucked my boss and the condom broke and he turned out to be the biggest asshole in the whole world.'

"No, it isn't," Lexie agreed.

"But then I think…I'm unemployed and trying to find a job while I'm pregnant is going to be horrible…or even worse with a newborn," she sighed heavily. "I don't…I don't know what to do about this whole pregnancy thing and I have twelve days to figure it out because apparently twelve weeks is the cut off."

"You'll be out of your first trimester by then," Hillary pointed out. "Probably starting to look at maternity clothes and definitely feeling less crappy."

"How have you been feeling?" Lexie asked softly.

"Nauseous but I haven't really thrown up a lot," Meredith answered. "My boobs have been killing me and I'm insanely bloated though."

"Okay, so that doesn't improve a whole lot," Hillary shrugged. "But the exhaustion will. You'll have energy for days."

"Hmmm…" Meredith nodded slowly, glancing down at her stomach. "It's his kid."

"No, it isn't," Lexie shook her head. "I mean, even he said it's not his kid so like…fuck him. It's not his kid. It's your baby and your kid, if that's what you want. It can be Baby Grey and it never needs to know that its dad was a sexist creepy piece of crap. It can just have an amazing mom and amazing aunts and grandparents."

"You really don't have to make the decision right now, Mer," Hillary murmured to her. "It's been a big day and your brain is swirly and you should just…sit with it for a few days. You have twelve days and you should definitely take at least half that time to figure out what you want."

"And maybe put out some feelers to see if anyone wants a freelancer," Lexie pointed out. "Or just be on your couch for a few days and throw darts at a picture of Scott's head."

"Just take your time," Hillary laughed. "And seriously, Kevin loves to sue assholes so he'll probably come up with some reason to sue Scott."

"I really don't want to do that," Meredith insisted softly. "Especially if I keep the baby. I don't want…I really don't want to see him again."

"Okay, see? You're making decisions," Hillary smiled. "You can do this. You can totally figure this out."

"I might still kill him and make it look like an accident," Lexie offered as she rubbed Meredith's back.

"Don't do that," Meredith smiled weakly. "You look like crap in orange."

"Oh god, please don't remind me," Lexie groaned. "Remember when Molly wanted orange bridesmaid dresses? I looked like a dead Halloween decoration, I swear."

"No murder for anyone," Hillary shook her head. "Just…take your time, Mer. Put out feelers for a freelancer. You don't have to tell them you're pregnant because it doesn't make a difference. Just…you have time to figure this out."

"Yeah," Meredith breathed as she looked back down at the ultrasound picture. It was a grainy image of something that didn't totally resemble a baby yet, but it was there. She had a little person growing in her and she had no idea if it was a good or a bad thing yet. It all just seemed too much like a bad dream, like a nightmare she would wake up from and laugh off over drinks with her best friend and sister. Except none of this was a dream and she was unemployed and she was pregnant and no matter how calming Hillary and Lexie were, she could still feel the panic rising in her. She could still feel her heart pounding and her throat closing up when she contemplated what all of this meant for her future.

It just didn't feel like she could ever go back to a normal life. She was thirty-eight years old, she was single, she was jobless, and she had a baby growing inside her. She had never wanted to get married and she had gone back and forth between the whole kids thing, but she could feel a lot of her dreams fading to the back burner right now. She was treading water and right now, it just felt like she was going to drown underneath all the pressure of what her life had suddenly become today.

_I'm all out of faith_

_This is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I am shamed_

_Lying naked on the floor_


	2. Breaking Routine Can Have Consequences

Chapter 2- Breaking the Routine Can Have Consequences

Over the years, Derek Shepherd's body had become used to a certain routine. Usually, no matter what was going on in his life, his body knew to get up at six in the morning for a jog, after which there was a shower and then a trip to the local coffee shop to satisfy both his caffeine and town gossip fix. After a bagel and coffee and finding out what his patients were talking about for the day, he could get ready for work. Every day was the exact same and after eighteen years, he didn't even need an alarm clock anymore. His body just knew that this was the routine and had him up and about by six.

There were a few exceptions and interruptions that he had learned to deal with. His predecessor at the Oakbrook Falls Medical Center had been a stickler about keeping the house call alive and it meant that he had trained Derek to do the same. While he saw the majority of his patients during office hours, it wasn't exactly unheard of for him to get a call in the middle of the night for Mr. Cascio, whose wife swore his drinking had nothing to do with his nearly biweekly falls, or an emergency Sunday night call for Jason Whitlock, who only got tummy aches on school nights. This summer he had been called for twisted ankles, poison ivy, concussions, and one birth when a couple newly moved to the tiny town had seriously misjudged the distance to the nearest hospital. He sat with the dying, coached new parents through the first few weeks of infancy, and sometimes just sat and talked to anyone who felt lonely. And he loved every minute of it.

But he hadn't received any calls the night before and his nightly routine had gone exactly as planned. He had closed the office at seven, heated up some leftovers, and had gotten some reading done until he had forced himself to go to bed at eleven. Usually, he fell asleep at around one and then started it all over again. It was why he was so confused now as he rolled over in bed, his eye catching the clock on his bedside table. It was nearly eight, his cell phone was ringing, and for a minute, a paralyzing panic spread throughout his body.

He was late. He wouldn't be able to jog today, he wouldn't be able to go to the coffee shop, and he was pretty sure his day was completely ruined. He had no idea why he had slept in and he hated it. His routine was everything to him and it took him a full minute to bring his body back to the bed, to fill his starved lungs with air as he opened his eyes. "It's okay," he whispered as his room came back into focus. "It's okay. You're okay." And it would be okay, as long as he closed the office at six today and got a run in before dinner. The interruptions in his life, in his routine, had led to him creating a back up routine and he had to believe that would be enough as he breathed in slowly and let it out.

His cell phone was still ringing and he ran his shaking hands through his unruly curls as he sat up in bed. His parents had a routine too, and part of their routine was to check in on him. It had been going on for eighteen years now and he really didn't think they had ever missed a day. It had once annoyed him, but he had come to accept that this was their way with dealing with what had happened, and he wasn't going to begrudge them their own way of healing. Even if he had moved on and was happy, it probably wasn't as easy for his parents. He got it and today he even found himself feeling relieved about the predicability of the phone call. "Hey, Dad," he answered his phone.

"Hey, bud," Dad replied over the sound of what sounded like a stampede but what was probably a large herd of grandkids running around the house. He didn't think a day went by when there weren't grandkids all over the Shepherd house and Derek knew his parents lived for it. "Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but it's fine," Derek sighed, running his hand over the stubble on his cheeks.

"It's kind of late for you," Dad said carefully. "Late night calls?"

"No, the calls are usually pretty quiet during the summer," Derek replied, trying to pretend that he didn't hear his mom asking if everything was okay.

"So you just…slept in?"

"I got to sleep kind of late last night," Derek lied because it really hadn't been late. He really had no idea why he had slept in, but he knew where his parents' minds were going and he refused to let them go there. "But I'm good, Dad. I'm getting ready for work and I'll go for my run tonight."

"Okay…" Dad drew out the word as the sounds of three or four kids screaming filled Derek's ears.

"Did you and Ma move into a zoo?" He asked, swinging his legs to the floor and stretching before he got up.

"No," Dad chuckled fondly. "Em and Soph decided they wanted a night out last night, so we got the eight kids. It's been a fun morning here in the Shepherd household. Your ma is making Mickey Mouse pancakes and Cam has decided he wants to be a chef one day so we have a bit of a mess going."

"Poor Ma," Derek laughed.

"She lives for it," Dad stated. "How was your day yesterday?"

"Really good. I finally convinced Mr. Calloway to start taking his insulin regularly. Oh, and Sarabeth and Dan finally got a positive pregnancy test. She's six weeks and I think Dan's going to hand out fliers announcing it." His parents didn't know his patients like he did, but these phone calls usually involved him filling in his parents on his life as a small town doctor. Each of his patients' successes felt really big to him, and he loved being apart of their ups and downs. "Today I'm actually volunteering at the summer camp to talk first aid."

"Well, make sure you tell them the story of you putting a hook through your hand," Dad laughed.

"I'll probably leave that out, Dad," Derek rolled his eyes. "Oh, and you want to hear something kind of crazy?"

"Go for it, buddy."

"The first baby I ever delivered in Oakbrook Falls is starting his senior year of high school in September," Derek reported proudly. He could still remember the day he had delivered Jamie Hughes clearly. He had been scared and alone for the first time, Dr. Shetland had been in Manhattan, and Mrs. Hughes had gone into labor at the grocery store and demanded not to be taken an hour out to the bigger hospital in Syracuse. Jamie had been her fourth kid and after about twenty minutes of pushing, Derek had held the tiny baby in his arms, letting his loud cry wash over him.

"That is kind of crazy, bud," Dad agreed after a second and Derek couldn't help but wonder about the pause. Logically, he knew his parents were busy with the grandkids and Dad was probably being climbed on, but that panic that had risen briefly earlier made him wonder about the pause and what it could possibly mean. "You know, your ma and I were thinking about coming out to visit in a couple weeks. What do you have going on?"

"Nothing yet, just getting ready for the school year to start. Is Ma wanting to do more antiquing or are you wanting to try one of the trails again?"

"Please don't say the 'a' word to your mother," Dad groaned. "I think we just want to visit you. It's been a bit since we've seen you."

"You guys were here two months ago," Derek pointed out, trying to ignore the short sting of guilt that moved through him. He was about four hours away from his parents' home in Long Island but rarely made it home. His sisters and Mark tried to make it every week, but he hated driving down, hated the busy roads and the unpredictability of the traffic. It threw everything off and his parents seemed to understand that. But they were getting older and he probably needed to let himself break his routine to spend a weekend with them at some point, instead of forcing them to come up.

"If you lived closer, we'd see you every week," Dad stated. "And we love Oakbrook Falls."

"I know, Dad," he sighed heavily. "I…I can try to make it down a little more. I don't…but I can try. Especially before winter."

"Well…your ma would be thrilled to have you," Dad said slowly. "We'll figure it out."

"I mean it, Dad. You guys can stay in Long Island and I'll come stay at the house for a weekend," Derek promised softly.

"That sounds great," Dad said just as Derek heard a bunch of kids screaming and laughing. "Okay, bud, I know you need to start getting ready for the day and I need to try to control these little monsters."

"I really do need to see if I can make it to the coffee shop," Derek agreed. "Tell Ma I love her and I'm really doing okay."

"Why wouldn't you be okay?" Dad countered. "And she loves you, too. So do I for that matter."

"I love you, too, Dad," Derek grinned before ending the call and throwing his phone on the bed. This was just how things had been for eighteen years. His parents worried but pretended they didn't and he acted like he didn't know why. They had thought Oakbrook Falls would be a phase, a place he would go to get his mind back on the right track, but instead he had fallen in love with the predictability of the small town and how safe everything felt. He was a local now, which had only taken about a decade. At first, the people who had survived the town's ups and downs had looked at him with suspicion but Dr. Shetland had told him to be patient and to build trust. And over the years, their looks had turned into genuine smiles and delivered apple pies. They liked that he would sit with them for an hour, listening to their problems or getting excited about pictures of grandkids. He was one of them and after Dr. Shetland had died of pancreatic cancer and left Derek the practice, the town had proudly claimed him as theirs.

And in that time, the town had helped him get his head back on track and figure out what he needed to heal after everything. He had found it on a particularly bad day, and had immediately loved everything about it. As a twenty-seven year old, he had felt like he had finally found where he was meant to be, where he could he happy. Now, at forty-five, he didn't think he could ever leave, even as the town changed with each passing year. As more and more young couples gave up on city life, Oakbrook Falls expanded and shifted just a little. It was still a small town and he still felt like he knew most people, but every summer, a new group of families moved in with their young kids, dreaming of the kind of stability that Derek had found.

It was just the magic of Oakbrook Falls and Derek loved it. There was town gossip every morning at the coffee shop but none of it was mean-spirited. No one ever wanted to know how he had ended up there, but he knew they were at least a little thrilled that he had carried on Dr. Shetland's title of most eligible bachelor in the town. Some people called it the town doctor's curse, but Derek also knew that Dr. Shetland had been beyond happy with his partner, Jack, in the end. The fact was, Derek just felt like the tiny town was perfect and he never felt overwhelmed when he was walking around. This was home.

He showered quickly, probably faster than he usually did, and then after getting dressed for the day, walked out of his little cabin that he had bought sixteen years ago, and started down the street towards the coffee shop. He still felt a little off about his morning but it was going to be okay. He was going to get his coffee, open the office for a couple of hours, and then his routine would shift for a bit as he spent his afternoon with kids to teach them all about first aid. Today was just a weird day and he didn't think there was any reason for his dad to sound so concerned. Weird days happened and he knew that tonight was going to help him get it all back on track.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Mr. Potter called to him as he walked into the coffee shop. It was a small space that served very simple coffee, though there had recently been some upset when they had decided to introduce flavored lattes. The tables and chairs were all mismatched, there were pictures of the falls all over the walls, and a TV in the corner that played Yankees games in season. It was one of Derek's favorite spots in the whole town and usually the one that calmed his brain.

"Derek, Chris," he corrected, just like he did every day as he walked up to the owner. Chris Potter was seventy-two but still acted like he was fifty, though he had started to slow down since his wife, Amy, had died the year before. He was waiting for one of his kids to take over the coffee shop, and Derek had his money on his daughter, Tegan, who had been coming for a lot of short trips to Oakbrook Falls in the last couple of months, her kids and husband in tow.

"Derek," Chris laughed, shaking his head. "I was starting to think we weren't going to see you this morning."

"You give me my caffeine fix, Chris," Derek pointed out as he put a couple dollars down on the counter. "And I have to harass you about coming in to check your pacemaker."

"The ticker is doing fine," Chris shrugged. "Black or are you leaving room for milk today?"

'Black," Derek replied. "And while I appreciate that you think your heart is doing great, I'd rather know for sure before I have to tell Tegan you're not taking care of yourself."

"Ah, but I know you can't do that," Chris smirked at him before sliding a large mug towards him. At the nameless coffee shop, no one was allowed to just take a coffee to go. Chris wanted his customers to sit for a bit and talk before their days got going and it was how Derek usually ended up getting bombarded by everyone in town. "Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"I don't know who told you about that but I'm not afraid of you," Derek shook his head. "Just make an appointment, okay? Twenty minutes and then I'll leave you alone for the rest of the year."

"Remind me next time your parents come into town to have a talk with them about you respecting your elders," Chris shook his head slowly before handing Derek his bagel. "Dr. Shetland used to harass my old man, too, you know."

"Oh, I remember. Your dad was my first patient ever and he was probably more stubborn than you," Derek smiled. "You're going to call and make the appointment today?"

"What will you do if I don't?"

"Make it for you and show up at your house the next time Tegan is in town," Derek shrugged.

"You're a pain in the ass, Doc," Chris laughed, his green eyes sparkling as he wiped his hand over his white beard. "Fine. I'll call today."

"Thank you, Chris," Derek smiled at his friend before turning to sit at his favorite table in the back corner, his back against the wall as he watched the rest of the coffee shop. Chris had put a plaque up earlier in the year declaring it the Doc's table and Derek appreciated it, if only because it could throw off the routine if someone else took the seat.

"Derek!" Dan White walked up to him quickly, like a man on the mission. Dan and his wife, Sarabeth, had moved to Oakbrook Falls two years earlier, and in that time, had struggled to get pregnant. They had seen a fertility specialist in the city, who had told them there was nothing wrong, and Derek had finally told them to relax and stop worrying so much about it. Now, Sarabeth was pregnant and Dan looked like he was on the verge of a freak out.

"Morning, Dan," Derek nodded to him. "Is everything okay?"

"I…tell me about morning sickness," Dan stated as he sat down in front of Derek, blocking the view of the door. Derek shifted sightly until he could see around Dan's shoulder and then took a deep breath.

"It's completely normal and will probably go away in about six weeks," he replied, taking a long sip of his coffee. "We only need to be concerned if she's having more than four vomiting episodes a day, and if she starts to lose weight."

"Oh," Dan nodded slowly. "What if she throws up at night instead of the morning?"

"According to my four sisters, the man who decided to name it morning sickness should be executed in some particularly creative ways," he laughed. "It's normal, Dan. Sarabeth is looking great. If you want to help her, ask Chris if he has any ginger or peppermint tea. It might settle her stomach."

"Okay, yeah, I can do that," Dan nodded slowly. "Sorry, Doc, I know you aren't working yet but…"

"But you're a worried husband and dad and you know I don't keep hours," Derek assured him. "Call me anytime and you know I'll talk."

"Thanks, Derek," Dan shook his hand. "I'm pretty sure Sara is going to ask you to be her doctor for this pregnancy but…well, you don't have privileges anywhere, do you?"

"I don't," Derek shook his head. "But I know some obstetricians who help me out here. I'd be happy to help you guys out and send you to someone you can trust when the time comes."

"I...seriously, thank you," Dan grinned at him before standing up and walking away. It was one of the perks of being a small town doctor: there wasn't much Derek didn't do. Dr. Shetland had taught him not to worry about specialties or to push people out just because it wasn't something he knew a lot about. It mean that he was an obstetrician, pediatrician, cardiologist, neurologist, gastroenterologist, and everything in between and it always kept him on his toes. He had learned a lot over the last eighteen years and he hated to send any of his patients to New York City or Syracuse before he had exhausted all of his options.

The worst thing was when he couldn't help. Dr. Shetland had warned him about that feeling, and Derek had felt it numerous times: the gnawing dread replaced by a terrifying helplessness that left him cold. But nothing has been worse than Chris's wife when he had had to send her to New York for a full breast cancer work up, only to find out it was terminal. Derek still sometimes woke up in a cold sweat when he remembered Chris's middle of the night call, because he needed to understand. Sometimes he wondered how the older man was dealing with being a widower, but he was too terrified to ask. It was stupid, but Derek wasn't sure he had any right to coach anyone through the rocky waves of grief.

"Dr. Thepherd!" A little voice yelled and Derek looked up just in time to catch the sturdy five year old boy who came barreling towards him. Ryan Mueller was small for his age but rambunctious and Derek wasn't sure he had ever walked anywhere in his life, just ran.

"There's my favorite explorer," Derek grinned as he lifted the little boy into the chair next to him. Ryan immediately laughed, revealing a gap in his mouth, and Derek raised his eyebrows. "Ry, did you lose a tooth?"

"Huh Huh," Ryan nodded eagerly, sticking his tongue through the gap. "Gueth how."

"How?" Derek asked.

"Fell off my bike," Ryan laughed.

"You're kind of a mess, little guy," Derek shook his head, shifting to take a closer look at the scratch on the little boy's chin. "Were you wearing a helmet?"

"Yeah," Ryan shrugged. "It wath tho cool!"

"Ryan, Dr. Shepherd is eating," Diana Mueller shook her redhead as she walked up to the table. "I'm so sorry, Derek. He ran off before I could stop him."

"It's fine, Diana," Derek assured her. "I see we had another Ryan the Explorer mishap."

"I feel like that's my life in a nutshell," she laughed. "Ron says if he had known a boy would be so much work, he would have prayed for a girl."

"Next time my parents are in town, ask them if four girls or two boys were harder," Derek shook his head as he watched Ryan line up the sugar packets.

"Dr. Thepherd," Ryan started, "can I play baseball?"

"Sure," Derek nodded. "After you get your cast off."

"Tomorrow?"

"Definitely not tomorrow, explorer," Derek shook his head as he smiled up at Diane. "Maybe next week. Did you get a lot of signatures?"

"Yeah!" Ryan held out his green casted arm that was filled with signatures and designs. He had fallen climbing a tree earlier in the summer and had refused to cry the entire time Derek had set it. The little five year old got into trouble without even trying and Derek couldn't help but admit that the little boy who wanted to be a world explorer was his favorite.

"Wow!" He gasped. "You got hundreds!"

"I know," Ryan grinned. "But I wanna play baseball."

"You will," he assured him. "Maybe you'll play baseball and be an explorer."

"Can I?" Ryan gasped.

"I don't see why not."

"Cool!' The little boy grinned as he reached out to high five Derek.

"Come on, Ry," Diana shook her head as she leaned over to pick up the sugar packets. "Dr. Shepherd probably wants to finish his breakfast and get to work."

"Nah, he'th my friend, Mommy," Ryan frowned as he watched his mom clean up. "Right, Dr. Thepherd?"

"Right, but your mom is right that I have to go to work," Derek grinned at him. "What if some other kid breaks his arm trying to find a secret wizarding world and I'm not there to help him?"

"Oh…that would be no good."

"Exactly, so I'll see you later," he nodded, ruffling the little boy's hair. "I think when you get your cast off, you deserve a lollipop and a sticker."

"Cool!" Ryan repeated before jumping off the chair and running off, his mom quickly rushing after him. Derek shook his head and looked down at his half-eaten bagel before checking his watch. He was already running too late and he hated to make today any weirder. He would get a sandwich later from the the deli so there was probably no reason to worry about finishing his bagel. Right now, he just wanted to get to work before anyone stopped him and made his morning even weirder. He just wanted to get his day back on track before it fell apart even more and made it too hard to get back to where things made sense.

He dropped his mug and plate off on the counter and then walked out of the coffee shop quickly, pausing to smile at a few people who called his name. It was sometimes weird to think about how the town had accepted him and seemed to love him so much, especially since Dr. Shetland had passed. His mentor had been born and raised in Oakbrook Falls and had been dedicated to bringing superior medical services back to the tiny town. By the time Derek had walked into his office thirty years after he had come back and asked for a job, Dr. Shetland had been known throughout the area as one of the best doctors in rural New York. He hadn't been fancy, he hadn't always even been that nice, but he had given up a lot of his own happiness so that he could change his childhood home.

When Derek had met him, the doctor had taken one look at him and his medical degree, shrugged, and told him he'd get one year to prove himself. During that year, Dr. Shetland hadn't asked him any questions or really even talked to him that much. But he had been one of the best teachers Derek had ever had, and he still found himself missing him. Over the course of the fifteen years they had worked together, the doctor had become someone Derek felt like he could talk to and while he had never told him about what had happened, Dr. Shetland had apparently understood and was supportive. There was a slight possibility that the old man had been his only friend in Oakbrook Falls and it had made saying goodbye even harder.

Sometimes though, it barely felt like he had. Dr. Shetland had left him the practice and enough money to pay off the last of his student debt and sometimes Derek found himself talking to the old man's picture, telling him about their patients or just trying to figure out a rough case. It had actually been the hardest routine Derek had ever had to break, the morning coffee with his mentor or the evening beers. Keeping him alive through the practice and talking to his picture felt like holding onto that routine, even just a little bit. It felt better than saying goodbye forever.

"Good morning, Derek," his nurse, Patricia, called out to him as she opened the office door.

"Good morning, Patty," he smiled at her brightly colored scrubs. "Sorry, I'm late."

"Ten minutes never hurt anyone," Patty laughed and Derek fought the urge to wince as his chest tightened and his mind tried to go somewhere else. He was fine. He was at work and his routine was coming back on track. "Though I'll tell you, Sandy was worried sick about the fact she didn't see you running this morning. She's already called three times to make sure you were still alive. Apparently doctors in this town don't have much luck. Never mind that Dave lived to be eighty-two."

"Remind me to stop by her house later and double check her medication levels," Derek shook his head, following his nurse inside.

"Can do," Patty nodded as Derek smiled at Dr. Shetland's picture and then walked back towards his office, past the waiting room with the kid's toys in a giant toy box and a stack of magazines that he really needed to remember to update. "By the way, you'll never guess who just called and made an appointment."

"If you tell me it's Chris Potter, Sandy might have reason to worry about my health," Derek smiled at her, putting his bag down on his organized desk.

"He said you harassed him this morning at the coffee shop about his ticker and he's trying to figure out where young people like you get off on bossing him," Patty laughed. "But he made an appointment for tomorrow at five."

"I did harass him and I threatened to call his daughter, too," Derek shrugged. "Have we gotten the labs back on Mrs. Ramirez?"

"Not that I've seen so far this morning but that lab always puts us on the backburner. I'll call and harass them for you."

"Thanks," Derek sighed. "If her cancer is back, I want to know as soon as possible so I can get in touch with her oncologist. She hates him but I'm not sure what else we can do."

"Well, all we can do is hope it isn't back," Patty nodded as she sat down in the chair in front of his desk. "You have three appointments this morning, including a new family just moved here from the city. Twin four year old girls."

"That should be fun," he nodded before sitting down himself and reaching for some mail that was sitting on the edge of his desk.

"Then you have camp from one to four. Rob wants to know if he can come see you after that, I told him that shouldn't be a problem," Patty recited. "That leg of his is bothering him again."

"Because he won't let it heal."

"Well, you can tell him that all day until you're blue in the face," Patty laughed. "And…well…don't kill the messenger."

"Kill the messenger?" Derek looked up at her.

"Do you remember how about two months ago, I received an invitation from Mount Sinai in the city for a symposium on pediatrics and rural medicine and you told me you'd think about it?"

"I…vaguely…" Derek admitted because it really had slipped his mind. Small things did sometimes, especially when they really didn't have a place in his life.

"Which means you've completely forgotten," Patty shook her head. "Well, Mount Sinai in the city is having a symposium on pediatrics and rural medicine and you've gotten yourself an invitation for the fourth year in the row. Dave always went but you usually throw the invitation away."

"And I didn't this time?"

"No, sir, you did not. You told me you'd think about it and lo and behold, the thing's a month away and you need to give me an answer so I can let them know."

"I…a month away,' Derek breathed as he glanced at the picture on his desk of his huge family. Mom and Dad had wanted to come to see him because he never went to see them. He tried his best now to get there for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but sometimes that was too hard. Sometimes just the thought of being there made his breath come in short gasps as he contemplated what it would mean to let go of his routine.

"Now, I think you should go," Patty said firmly. "Dave always went and it helped us more than hurt. With all these families moving to town, I don't see how it could be a bad thing for you to go. And I know Dave never bothered you about it and I never could figure out why but he's been gone now for three years and I think it's time the rest of the world started thinking of this practice as yours."

"Oh," he looked up at her as he nodded slowly. "How long is it?"

"A week."

"A week?" Derek frowned as he clenched his fists against the swell of panic. "Patty, who can take over while I'm gone for a week? The town…"

"Will be fine for one week if their doctor goes to New York, learns a bit, and sees his family," she finished for him. "We'll ask Russell to come in again. Then the whole town will magically not need any medical help for a week and I'll get a break, too."

"Because they hate Russell and say he has no bedside manner?"

"No one is wrong about that and you know it," she shrugged and then crossed her arms as she looked at him. "So are you going?"

"I…" Derek took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. His parents were getting older, his dad's body would probably start to give up on the long drives one day, and it had been a long time since he had gone home. He could spend a week with them and see the nieces and nephews and his sisters. He could go out for a drink with Mark and try to act like it was no big deal. If he did that, his parents might not worry so much. "Okay. Tell them I'm coming. And I'll stay with my parents."

"Well, will you look at that? It's a miracle," Patty smiled widely.

"I'll call Russell and ask him to check in on Monday and Friday of that week," Derek nodded, choosing to ignore her comment. "But I want to see as many patients as possible before I leave."

"That's a given," she nodded.

"Anything else?" He sighed.

That's it," Patty smiled. "I'll just get everything ready for the day. Meg should be here any minute."

"Thanks, Patty."

"Of course," she shrugged and then paused by the door of the office. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" He sighed as he looked up at her.

"Your parents are going to be thrilled when you make that phone call," she pointed out. "Don't back out on them."

"I…I won't, Patty," he shook his head quickly before his nurse walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. His chest was a little tight but it was going to be okay. He was gong to visit his family in New York, he was going to spend a full week with them and that could only be a good thing. He would have to come up with a new way to keep to his routine but that was fine. He just needed to relax his clenched fists and breathe and just remember that everything would be okay. No matter what happened while he was back home, no matter how out of sync everything felt, he could find his way back to Oakbrook Falls and to his routine. Everything would be okay.

_And you sit there in the rubble,_

_Till the rubble feels like home_

_That's how you learn to live alone_


	3. Denial is the Shock Absorber of the Soul

**Chapter 3- Denial is the shock absorber of the soul**

There were probably better strategies for dealing with being an unemployed pregnant woman than just living on the couch and watching HGTV marathons for hours on end, but Meredith wasn't interested in them. Her sister had tried to get her out of the house, her best friend had suggested a make over, but Meredith had already decided that she was just going to live on her couch and contemplate how her life had gone so terribly wrong. She wasn't actually doing much contemplating, it was more all avoiding and screaming at stupid women who didn't realize you could change paint colors, but she told her worried friend and sister that she was contemplating.

Since she had been laid off five weeks earlier, she had pretty much been living her life under a banner of avoidance. She didn't answer the calls from her parents, she barely answered her text messages, and she had somehow avoided herself right into the second trimester of her unexpected pregnancy. Maybe she had already made her choice before or maybe she just had been too afraid to actually sit and examine the pros and cons of carrying Scott's baby and deciding to raise it on her own, but she was now fifteen weeks pregnant. She didn't know much beyond that and she knew she was overdue for an appointment, but getting up and going to the doctor just felt too hard right now. All she felt like she could do was just be on her couch and figure out if she could avoid the mess of her life for the next seven months.

None of it made any sense. Or it did make sense, she understood what happened, but she just didn't understand why all of it had happened all at once. She had tried to reach out to some editors, but no one had returned any of her emails or calls or desperate DMs. She was completely unemployable and she was expecting a tiny human into her life in a few months, a tiny human that she couldn't even bring herself to tell her parents about. They had been devastated when she had told them she had been laid off, they had actually been so concerned that she hadn't gotten the chance to tell them that her douchebag boss had also knocked her up and that she was going to keep it and be a mom. It had all just seemed too crazy.

So she just wasn't going to move and she wasn't going to tell her parents right now and…HGTV. She was going to watch HGTV and yell at the stupid people and try not to think about the fact that there was a small curve underneath her sweatpants, rising over her pelvis and making itself known. A curve meant she had to face things. A curve meant she had to stare her future in the face and come up with a plan. So she was just going to avoid and watch TV and contemplate what to order in for lunch. Pasta sounded good but so did tacos and some insane voice in her head was telling her both together would be amazing. But that voice was stupid and was in cahoots with the curve so she just wasn't listening to it.

If she thought like a normal person, then she could just pick one and that would be it. It was just food and food was just for sustenance or whatever. She curled around a pillow, hugging it over the stupid curve, and took a deep breath as she turned her attention back to the TV. Some couple was on the screen talking about the three houses they had been shown and Meredith was pretty sure they were the biggest idiots of all time. They couldn't figure out what their budget actually was and apparently the fact their dream home had an orange bathroom was a huge deal breaker. "You two need to get a divorce," she told the TV as the guy argued again that they could stretch the budget. "Get a divorce and don't have kids because they'll hate you, too."

She had probably seen every episode of this show at this point. Actually, she wasn't really sure that they were the same show. There seemed to be two kinds of shows on HGTV: home renovation or home buying. There was even one with two hot brothers who combined the two, which was probably her favorite. She had no idea how she had actually started down the rabbit hole of this channel, especially since she wasn't sure she had ever watched it before, but now she was here and it was happening and she really couldn't stop. And really, it kind of made her want to buy a house, which seemed like a thought that kept leading back to the thought that she would need more space soon and that the reason for needing more space soon might like a dog one day and dogs and reasons for space really liked backyards. No matter what she did, everything seemed to always come back to her current predicament, so she just kept yelling at the TV and trying to avoid it all.

"Oh my god," she groaned at the TV as the couple chose the more expensive house instead of their dream house just as her phone buzzed next to her. "You're both idiots and you probably deserve each other." She sighed and grabbed her phone, wincing when she saw her sister's name.

_Stop being such a weirdo and tell Mom and Dad about the baby. Do you know how hard it is to lie to them, Mer? They're all like "We're worried about Mer" and I'm over here like 😰. They're not going to be mad and Dad's not going to freak out. I mean, okay, you're unemployed but I think he understands blogs now and…you have to tell them, Mer. I know things are big and scary right now and you're taking stock or whatever but you have to tell Mom and Dad and you have to go to the doctor and you probably have to shower, too. Oh, and yes, the Property Brothers are hot._

She threw her phone back down as she took a deep breath, curling tighter around the pillow. She knew her little sister was right on pretty much every point she was making, but actually talking about the curve just made it too real. Her dad was amazing and she didn't think her step mom had ever been disappointed in her, ever. From the second Dad had taken her home after her mom's suicide attempt, Susan had been nothing but supportive of her and wanted the best for her and would probably fly out immediately if she found out about the baby. Dad would probably freak out, at least at first, and she wasn't sure she had it in her right now to talk about her plans or whatever. Dad was going to want plans and all she had was a craving for taco pasta and a desire to get a house and a dog so that the hot brothers could redo the house and love her dog.

As for the doctor thing, she knew. A good mom would be going to the doctor and making sure everything was okay, but Meredith just couldn't do it. She couldn't go and see what the reason for the curve and more space looked like now, because that would make it too real. She would have to face that her life was a mess and probably never going to be the same ever again, and the doctor would probably tell her the sex and then she'd have that on her mind. It was all so overwhelming, but then, everything felt overwhelming right now. Showering was probably a great idea but that sounded like she'd be naked and potentially explore her changing body and…it was just a lot. Lexie didn't understand that this really was a lot to take in and that she wanted to try to avoid it for a little longer. Lexie had a hot boyfriend who worshipped the ground she walked on and didn't want kids yet and wanted her to succeed at her career. Meredith just had a tiny one bedroom apartment, a craving for taco pasta, and a curve. None of it was actually conducive to any kind of good life.

She couldn't even give herself a good life right now so she had no idea how she was going to give the reason for the curve a good life so talking about it was just…no. She was going to ignore Lexie's text and order tacos and pasta and then watch more stupid people and their stupid decisions. She uncurled herself from around her pillow and then paused when her phone buzzed again. Her best friend's husband's name popped up and Meredith frowned slightly before unlocking her phone.

_I'm going to be there in two minutes. Buzz me up._

_Is Hillary with you?_

_Just buzz me up and don't try to pretend you're not home. I know you're living on your couch and wallowing._

_I am NOT wallowing._

_Just buzz me up._

Of course Hillary had sent her husband, Kevin. She had wondered why her best friend had been unusually quiet over the last couple of days, but now Meredith realized that Hillary was just formulating some kind of plan that involved using her amazing husband to make Meredith realize her life wasn't all that bad. It was stupid and annoying but not completely unlikely to work, especially since Kevin mentored paraplegics at a local rehab facility. He had been paralyzed in a rock climbing accident six years ago and had accomplished a lot since. He climbed mountains and fished and camped and wanted to try something called ice climbing, which was apparently insane and not at all what sane people did. And now he was about to interrupt her avoiding, which was not the same as wallowing, and she probably would just get really annoyed with him.

But he was also probably the world's most stubborn man so there was just no way that he would leave if she didn't buzz him up. She turned down the newest episode of what probably needed to be called Some People Don't Deserve Houses, and pulled on an oversized hoodie before walking to her door just as she heard the buzz. She pressed the button back and then opened the door, only waiting a few minutes before the elevator doors opened at the end of the hall and Kevin McDermott came rolling out. He was wearing a suit and his salt and pepper hair was a little longer than usual. He had probably been working; he was a law professor but still sometimes picked up pro bono cases when he was feeling like he wanted to argue in front of a jury. "She lives," Kevin grinned at her.

"You need to learn how to say no to your wife," Meredith groaned.

"There is absolutely no benefit to me learning that life skill," Kevin shook his head before rolling into her apartment. "Saying no to Hillary only leads to me being miserable. She just starts plotting even more. It's better to start on the ground floor than to come in when the plan is nine stories high and only leads to bad things for me."

"Doesn't she have more things to worry about than what I'm doing? Her baby or you or…"

"Ryder is doing fine and don't ever encourage her to worry about me," he ordered as he looked around her apartment. "And right now, I think we all need to be worried about you. Though, honestly, I've seen worse. At least you're still cleaning up for the most part."

"Because I'm fine. I've been fine this whole time and I told Hillary I was fine so everything is…"

"Fine," Kevin finished. "Got it. You're doing great. Can I ask a couple of questions?"

"I⏤"

"Great. Number one, when was the last time you showered?"

"I don't know but that's a really weird question."

"So, we can infer from your answer that it's been several days," Kevin nodded, looking her up and down. "Also the inference can be made from the state of your clothes. Second question, have you told your parents you're pregnant?"

"How is that any of your business, Kevin?" She groaned.

"Inference is you have not told them despite being in your second trimester," Kevin stated. "Final question. Have you left this house to go grocery shopping or to go to the doctor?"

"I…I am pleading the fifth and also might kick you out," Meredith groaned as she walked back to the couch and pulled the pillow over her stomach.

"Evidence suggests you are everything but fine," Kevin pointed out, glancing at the coffee table. She probably needed to pick up the leftovers of last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast but she was not giving him the satisfaction. "I have two options for situations like these."

"There is no situation."

"There is a situation and I'm trying to decide if I should ease you into getting your shit together or yell at you to snap out of it."

"Let me help, neither will work,' she insisted, rolling her eyes. "Let's recap the last five weeks of my life. I got laid off, my boss made sure I was blacklisted, and not even Buzzfeed wants me. Oh, and I have…this…" She waved her hand vaguely over the pillow and her stomach.

"The baby?" Kevin raised an eyebrow.

"Right, that," she nodded against the rise of panic. "And I think I'm allowed some time to contemplate how big this all is."

"You've had five weeks," he pointed out. "Five weeks to contemplate and from what I can tell, all you've done is eat, watch HGTV, and avoid pretty much everyone in your life who can offer you support. I understand the urge, I absolutely do, but at least admit you are not fine."

"I am fine," she insisted. "This is just…I'm not wallowing and I'm not avoiding. I'm just…"

"In denial that your life is changing," Kevin finished for her. "Again, I get the urge. You have some big shit happening for you and I've been there before. You can't avoid this away, you can't pretend it's not happening. And you really won't be able to avoid it in another month or two so I'm not sure what your plan is. So, you have two options. I can either sit here and yell at you to get your life together or we can go on a hike and you can get your feelings out in nature."

"Or I can do neither and get back to my TV and my couch," Meredith sighed, hugging the pillow tighter against her midsection. "And the tacos and pasta I was about to order."

"So you realize the weird cravings are because of the baby, right?"

"I just want food and TV. I'm sure…Chad and Karen are about to choose a really beautiful house."

"Chad and Karen are going to say the paint is ugly and the landscaping doesn't impress them, knowing full well they can change it," Kevin pointed out. "Also, fun fact, they've already bought the house when they go on the show."

"What?"

"The couples have already bought their house when they go on the show. It's all fake."

"You…they…who pissed in your Cheerios this morning, Kevin?" She groaned. "Can't you let people just have a little joy before you come swooping in to take it all away with your lawyering and your facts?"

"Now you don't have to watch,' he shrugged.

"Next you'll tell me the Property Brothers is fake and then I'll kill you," she threatened. "I don't care how sad Hillary will be, I will kill you."

"At least you're finally showing some signs of life."

"I am fine!" Meredith gasped. "Okay? I'm fine. Yes, my life is changing and no, I don't have a plan for it. But you guys don't get to decide what my timeline is going to be on this. You don't get to march in here and tell me to get my shit together when I had my shit together fifteen weeks ago and then it all blew up in my face. I know you're paralyzed, I know that was hard and still is hard and it's still…but this is not paralysis. I'm not a patient at the center and I'm not learning how to live with a lifelong injury. I just need some fucking time to think!"

"Hmmm…" Kevin nodded slowly. "Anything else?"

"I just want to be left alone," she insisted, falling back against the couch. "I just want you guys to leave me alone so I don't have people constantly telling me I'm on a timeline because I know that. I'm not stupid and for once I'd really appreciate it if people stopped acting like I was."

"No one thinks you're stupid," Kevin stated firmly as he rolled towards her. "You have people in your life who are worried about you because you're not exactly taking care of yourself or your baby right now. You have a whole support system who will personally do everything they can to make this easier for you. Hell, I'll personally come to Lamaze with you. I was great at that."

"Stop…I don't…" she shook her head, pressing the pillow against her abdomen.

"Why the hell are you being so damn stubborn about this?"

"You're more stubborn than me, Kev. I've heard the stories."

"Yeah, I was clinically depressed and suicidal," he stated bluntly. "Are you at that point?"

"Of course not."

"So then don't compare yourself to me," he shrugged. "I had a life-altering injury, my fiancee left me, and I almost died in the first two months. Then Hillary came into my life and I decided it was high time I actually let some people in. But you've already had people in your life so pushing us away now doesn't seem like the best course of action."

"I'm the only one who decides what the best course of action is. And right now, I just…I have to figure out how to do this. This apartment is too small and I don't have a job and being…I need time and I need time alone."

"For how much longer?" He asked, rubbing his jaw.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "I just…need more time. And I need more time without your or Hillary or my sister telling me how to do this because none of you actually know."

"That's fair," he conceded. "But do you know what I do know?"

"What?" She sighed.

"I know what a pregnancy looks like," he nodded, pointing to the pillow. "That baby is only going to get bigger. It will move, probably in the next couple of weeks. And it does need a check up."

"I…I know," she whispered.

"So you might need some time and we can give it to you, but that baby doesn't know how to give you time," he shrugged. "So I would suggest being prepared for that."

"Fine," she whispered.

"Fine?"

"Fine," she repeated, clutching the pillow. "I…fine."

"I honestly have no idea what you're agreeing to here but I'm hoping it's you taking care of yourself," he shrugged, rolling back from her. "What about your parents?"

"I'm going to tell them," she whispered. "Soon."

"It's just two more people to add to the team," he shrugged. "Meredith…"

"Kevin, I get why Hillary sent you but I just want to be left alone."

"Well, first of all, Hillary didn't send me," he admitted. "She's been worried sick about you and I got tired of hearing about it. So if you want to be left alone, fine, but at least text your best friend and tell her you're okay and not rotting away in this apartment."

"Rotting away?" Meredith frowned slightly.

"Her imagination is a terrifying thing," he shrugged. "And really, to be perfectly honest, I was worried about you. You're this kick ass woman who has never taken shit from anyone so the fact you're letting this shit head keep you down is pretty fucking disturbing. And in terms of the kid, I think you'll be a pretty kick ass single mom, but that's just me. So if you need some more time, fine. Just call me when you figure out that you need a hike to clear the cobwebs of Chad and Karen out."

"I…okay," she breathed and then frowned. "Can I even hike?"

"While I'm sure that's a question better put to a doctor, I'm confident that hiking is fine," Kevin rolled his eyes. "Imagine how much more information you'd get from a doctor though."

"I get it, Kevin."

"Well, I hope so," he looked around her apartment. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm okay," she whispered.

"Okay," he nodded, turning his chair. "Just text Hillary, tell her you're okay, and don't avoid her texts. It freaks her out and she gets obsessive. And when you're ready to come out of this hole, at least let us know so we can show up at the appointment or something."

"I will," she agreed as she curled around the pillow.

"I'll see you later, Meredith," Kevin said before he rolled out of her apartment, leaving her alone in the tiny space. He actually hadn't helped, at all. She could see how he probably helped the people at the rehab center, but it hadn't exactly helped her brain slow down or see any kind of sense at all. Everything Kevin had said was true and she knew all of it already. She knew that the reason for the curve of her stomach would have an amazing family and that she would always have a support system. She knew she needed to go to the doctor and get her head together. She just honestly didn't know how to explain this paralyzing fear that seemed to take over her every time she even thought about taking any kind of step in her life.

She hadn't planned any of this. Not that plans actually mattered or ever worked out, but she hadn't planned for her stomach curving underneath her hoodie right now. She hadn't planned for prenatal vitamins or ever needing more than one bedroom or doing it all while unemployed. She hadn't planned much in her life, but this seemed so out of the norm that she was pretty sure even the most spontaneous person in the world would be freaking out right now. And she figured she should have some time to figure out how she was going to handle this without everyone in her life trying to force her to just…move forward blindly.

She picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned up the volume, groaning inwardly. Of course Kevin had to ruin HGTV for her; there was no way he could have just kept his mouth shut about how fake it all was. Not that she hadn't thought everyone on the shows were really bad actors, but now they were even worse and she couldn't decide if it was annoying or funny. It just didn't seem fair that these people had these amazing lives where the biggest decision seemed to be if they could change some paint. She knew that wasn't fair and that she wasn't seeing the whole picture but now she was just annoyed and she sighed heavily as relaxed back against the couch.

Her brain felt like it was spinning again and she closed her eyes for a second, trying to think of anything else but all of what Kevin had said and the curve of her stomach and the fact she didn't have a job. It all just seemed so freaking repetitive and she was tired of all of it. Everything felt too big and too small all at once but she just didn't think she was ready to face all of it yet. She tightened the hold on the pillow again and then opened her eyes as a new couple on TV talked about wanting to move to a beach house to get away from the craziness of their every day lives.

It did sound nice and maybe Kevin was right on another thing. Hillary wasn't someone who ever hiked but Kevin sometimes joined Meredith on some hikes in the Catskills. It was always calming and helped her clear her head, especially when she was trying to decide where a story was going to go. But she needed more than a day or two and she took a deep breath as she reached for her phone. In a second, both Hillary and Lexie answered, their eyes wide. Hillary had a pirate hat on while it looked like Lexie was walking through the hospital in her scrubs and Meredith tried to smile at them. "Oh my god, Mer…" Hillary breathed. "I…are you okay? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly. "I'm just thinking…I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to go out of town for a few days."

"Where are you going?" Lexie demanded. "Is everything…I know Hillary literally just asked you this question but this isn't…you've barely texted or called in five weeks and now we're FaceTiming and saying you're going to go out of town?"

"I'm just…I want to go for a hiking trip," Meredith shrugged. "And I didn't want you guys to worry."

"Mer, I love you, but you've made us been worried for weeks now," Hillary pointed out before turning to say something to her baby son, Ryder. "And what does that mean, a hiking trip?"

"You're not going to get lost in the wilderness, are you?" Lexie asked. "Because, Mer, Girl Scouts was not your thing and I know you can hike but you're pregnant and getting lost in the woods for the next seven months isn't an option."

"I'm not disappearing into the wilderness," Meredith groaned. "I just need a break. I need a break from this apartment and HGTV and texts. And I didn't want you guys to think I had died."

"You can't run away from this," Hillary pointed out.

"I'm not running away. I just need a breather," she insisted. "And I'm telling you guys, okay?"

"Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?" Lexie asked.

"I…" Meredith took another deep breath. "I will, Lexie. I swear I will. I don't know…but I'm going to tell them. Right now I just need a break."

"I still don't know what a break means," Hillary sighed.

"It's just…it's a break and I'll text to check in and…it's a break," Meredith repeated, taking another deep breath. It was a whim and probably a stupid one but she felt like she needed to get out of here before she went crazy and got even madder at the fake HGTV couples.

"Mer, you need to go for a prenatal check up and you…"

"It's just a few days," she promised. "I'll text you when I get where ever I go."

"You don't even know where you're going?" Lexie gasped and then groaned as her pager went off. "Shit, my patient is seizing. Mer, I love you but I have no idea where you're going and that seems…not good. We should know."

"I don't even know yet," she shook her head. "I'll text when I get there. Go save a life, I love you."

"Mer…" Hillary groaned.

"I swear I'll text when I get there, Hills," Meredith insisted. "I'm just…taking a break and you know hiking is good for clearing my head so it's just…two more days and then I'll talk, okay?"

"I really hate this," Lexie announced.

"So do I," Hillary agreed. "Like a lot."

"You guys don't have to like it. I'm going to leave today," she announced as she stood up from her couch and walked back to her bedroom. "And I swear I'll text and keep in touch. Maybe…I just need to figure this out and I can't be in my small apartment knowing that I don't have a job. It's messing with my head and I'll…I'll see you guys in a few days."

"Mer…"

"Bye, guys," Meredith said quickly before ending the call and looking around her messy room. She had no idea where she was going or why or for how long. She just needed to somehow get her mind around everything and maybe she could do that if she just wasn't…here right now. Everything felt too big and too scary and maybe if she could just start driving and stop only when she wanted to then she could breathe again. All she wanted was to breathe without feeling like she was going to drown under the weight of the curve under her hoodie and the rest of her life.

She pulled down her duffel bag from her closet and turned to stare at the clothes hanging in there. The jeans were going to be a weird fit, but she was pretty sure if she put an elastic band then she could wear them for a little longer, but she could also pack leggings to wear while hiking, if she actually wanted to do it. And there was nothing wrong with her hoodies and sweaters for now. It would just have to work for this getting away thing. She gently crept her hand up under her hoodie, splaying her fingers over the tiny curve for a second, looking for a sudden understanding of what it meant. But nothing came and she dropped her hand before turning back to her duffel bag. She just had to get away. Everything would be okay if she got away.

_But in the end, the only steps that matter _

_Are the ones you take all by yourself_


	4. Let Nature be Your Teacher

**Chapter 4- Let Nature be Your Teacher**

Her phone hadn't stopped going off in the last week. For the first two weeks, everyone in her life had understood that she needed a breather and had left her alone. She had sent them pictures of the hikes she was on, of the trails and the tiny towns she had found along the way. At first, Hillary and Lexie had commented back about how pretty they all were or how jealous they were. But she had told them it would be a few days, and now she was finishing up her third week and very few people actually wanted to keep seeing pictures of what she was doing. They wanted to know when she was coming home, they wanted to know why she was traveling while unemployed, and the people who knew she was pregnant wanted to know when she was going to come home and go to a doctor.

She didn't have an answer for that or for really any of their questions. She had no idea why she couldn't just turn around and go home, or why she kept stopping in small towns and hiding out in hotel rooms. She had been all over upstate New York, hiked all over, and had actually loved every second of it. Each hiking trail let her take her mind off of the mess of her life and being this close to nature as the leaves started to change and the weather cooled was one of her favorite things. She didn't know if she was actually clearing her head or if it just felt like it, because at night, things felt less clear. Over the last couple of weeks, she had had a weird stretching sensation in her sides and when she had woken up a few days ago, her stomach had definitely been more obvious. She could hide it under her sweaters, could hide the fact that she couldn't actually button her jeans anymore. But when she was showering or in bed at night, there was no missing that the curve was growing and she was no closer to figuring out her life.

So she just kept moving. She didn't miss Manhattan. She missed Lexie and Hillary and she knew she needed to tell her parents at some point, but she didn't actually miss her job or her apartment. She wasn't sure if that was some kind of sign but she did know she just wasn't ready to turn her car around and go back. She had spent some time in the small towns in the Finger Lakes and had fallen in love with the people and the waterfalls she had come across almost every time she had hiked. Since she had moved to New York, she had always thought the Catskills were her favorite area to hike, but she had fallen madly in love with the Finger Lakes. She just wasn't ready to leave and she wasn't ready to answer her phone to try to explain why.

A part of her was tempted to just leave her phone in the room she had booked in a bed and breakfast, owned by a married couple who had apparently given up their crazy lives in Manhattan two years ago to move to the tiny town that was known for oak trees and water falls. When Meredith had pulled into Oakbrook Falls the night before, she hadn't been sure what to think. It was another small town that was gorgeous and charming, but also apparently very up and coming. She had no idea if that was actually the case, or just something the locals said to tourists. Either way, the temptation to leave her phone had been overruled by the fact that the muscles in her sides were stretching which probably meant more growing and she shouldn't just be hiking without a way to contact people. So now she was turning her phone to silent as she walked down the street.

It was really cute and she could feel herself relaxing, the stress melting away as the crisp fall air picked up her pony tail slightly. Her plan was to go hike up to the falls today and maybe let her brain actually fall to her messed up life. A part of her had considered writing a book about small town New York, while another part of her had actually considered reaching out to some of the smaller online outlets for some kind of freelancing work. There was always starting her own site which actually sounded like a lot of work but it at was an option. But there was also the pregnancy, which kind of seemed like a more pressing issue.

She had her mom's inheritance for money for now, and while she had sworn she would never use it, she was going to use it now if she had to. She had been shocked her mom had left her all of her money, but now she barely thought about it. She wasn't sure what her mom had thought she'd actually spend it on on, but she was pretty sure it wasn't to raise a baby on her own after traveling all over upstate New York. But she did have that money and her severance so she wasn't exactly hurting. But she was still eighteen weeks pregnant, about to enter her nineteenth week, and she hadn't been to the doctor in eight weeks. It wasn't exactly great, and she knew that, but a part of her didn't know how to take that step forward. Monthly appointments meant that she couldn't pretend something really big was happening and while she couldn't really do that right now with her growing belly, it was easier when she was hiking to not think about this deadline in her life.

It was stupid and risky and she knew all that. She had to get her head together by the time she got back to the city and just…do something. Except the idea of getting back to New York made her brain do that swirly thing that made her not want to think about her life. She didn't know what it was about her tiny apartment or the city she had lived in for years that made her nervous and scared. She just knew that right now she didn't want to go home, even if she had to.

She rubbed the stretching muscles on her right side before zipping her fleece hoodie up, making the curve disappear, and then walked into the local coffee shop. It was busy, people were sitting in all the tables and talking while kids ran around eagerly. She had gotten up early this morning, hoping to catch an amazing view of the sunrise, but she had apparently run into the before school rush, too. "Good morning," an older man with a white beard grinned at her as she walked up to the counter.

"Good morning," she nodded. "Can I have a small latte and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese?"

"Coming right up," the man grinned as he took Meredith's money from her. "Where's home?"

"Oh…" Meredith breathed. "Manhattan. I…I've been hiking and…waterfalls. I heard you guys have amazing waterfalls."

"Well, that's the truth if I've ever heard it," the man agreed. "Make sure you take Watkins's Trail. You'll get behind the waterfall just before you reach the top and it's the best view in the world. Not that I've seen much of the world, but I have it on pretty good authority."

"I'll do that, thank you," she smiled at him as he slid her a mug with a latte in it. "Oh…do you have a to go cup?"

"That I don't have," the man shook his head. "In this day and age, no one talks to each other, have you ever noticed that? Get your coffee and go and that's all it is. I'm an old man and I like when people talk to each other. So grab any table in the place except for the one in the back there."

"The table in the back?" Meredith glanced around the crowded coffee shop.

"That's the Doc's table," the man shrugged. "He's not here now but it never feels right when other people sit there."

"The Doc's table, okay," she nodded.

"Just take your time and enjoy yourself," the man smiled. "I'm Chris, by the way, I own the place. After you're done with a hike, stop by for a sandwich."

"I will, Chris, thank you," Meredith smiled at him as she picked up her mug and plate and walked back towards another table in the back that wasn't the doc's. Small towns were like this, small and tribal and kind of stuck in time and she had kind of fallen in love with it. There wasn't a single small town she had visited over the last three weeks that she hadn't loved and as she sat down at a table, she really couldn't chase away the feeling that she did not want to go back to the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. It was an insane thought and she wasn't even sure she was planning on following through with it, but she really didn't want to go back. Once she went back, she'd have to go to the doctor and look into getting a two bedroom apartment that would definitely eat up her inheritance and it would just be a lot.

Instead, she was in some tiny town with oak trees and waterfalls, eating a bagel and drinking coffee while the rest of the coffee shop buzzed around her. Moms were starting to gather their kids, but they were all probably going to the same place so there wasn't a huge rush. Chris was laughing with three men at a table, who were talking very loudly about some kind of initiative the mayor wanted to pass that the men all thought was crazy. And she just couldn't stop looking around, couldn't stop taking everything in as she tried to ignore the stretching ligaments in her sides. She barely knew anything about Oakbrook Falls, but it just felt right somehow. Maybe she would spend a few more days here and then head home, at least before her sister and her best friend decided to invade upstate New York and drag her back home.

It did seem like a more up and coming town than some of the others she had been to over the last three weeks. A lot of them had seemed almost lost by the last recession and people were still trying to claw their way back up. But Oakbrook Falls was filled with younger people in their thirties with families and none of them really looked like they were struggling. If she had to guess, she would say a lot of them were transplants from Manhattan, desperate to get away from it all and beyond happy to have jobs that meant they could work from home and maybe take a commute once or twice a month. It seemed like a kind of dream life, and Meredith couldn't help but be at least a little bit jealous.

She assumed she'd have to go back to the craziness, if not now then definitely in a year when she was employable again. She had loved it once, loved running around going after the story and staying up all night writing until her vision blurred and she fell into bed only to start it all over again. But now her belly was growing, there was an actual person inside her that was going to come no matter how much she tried to hide it, and she needed to figure out what kind of mother she was going to be. And that was almost scarier than trying to figure out anything else. Her step mother had been the best mom in the world, warm and funny and always ready with hugs or cookies or advice. But Meredith had no idea how to cook and she didn't think she had any right to give advice to anyone, especially considering her current life. And then there was her mom, who had just been cold, unfeeling, and borderline abusive, at least according to Dad's lawyers and a few therapists. She didn't want to be that mom and she was sure there were parenting styles in the middle but just thinking about it all made her want to go back to the bed and breakfast and hide for a million years.

Her stomach swirled and she stood up quickly to take her plate and empty mug to the counter before turning to walk out of the tiny coffee shop. She was hiking today. She was hiking and exploring and trying to think things through while also maybe avoiding them just a bit. She was in an adorable town with friendly people who told her about the best hiking trails and she just had to keep hiking, because hiking helped. She stepped aside as two kids came running past her and her back brushed against a billboard, which was covered with posters and announcements and…her eyes moved over a piece of paper that announced a two bedroom house for rent in town. It was apparently newly renovated and only fourteen hundred a month, which was a steal compared to her tiny apartment that was nearly thirty-five hundred a month, and her fingers danced over one of the tabs hanging from the poster before tearing it off and putting it in her pocket. She wasn't sure why, it didn't even make sense, but it seemed like a good idea.

She walked outside quickly, her hands firmly in her pockets as her stomach and brain swirled. When she had been little, her parents had taken her to a therapist who had told her about the different ways to react to change. Some people responded by looking for routines while others became more impulsive. She had told Meredith that there was a happy medium and that's what they were going to work for, and Meredith had tried to stick to that medium in her life. But there were a lot of changes going on in her life right now and she was clearly trying the impulsive side of things. The little paper was burning in her hand and there was some kind of voice that was trying to come through and she wasn't sure she could even listen to it without giving into the exact opposite of any kind of middle ground.

It was really better to just hike today and then maybe walk around town and then go home. Her phone was going to be filled with voicemails and text messages today and she needed to be able to give them some kind of update about where her life was headed. Lexie was right that she couldn't just live in the wilderness until the baby was born, because that would be absolutely crazy. But her sister's life was on an amazing track right now: she was an amazing neurosurgeon with a plastic surgeon boyfriend who loved her and her freaky photographic brain. Hillary had an amazing husband and a miracle kid and a job she was excited to get back to after taking time off for Ryder. Their lives weren't messy or unpredictable right now. So maybe Meredith got to live on the impulsive side for a bit.

The town wasn't that far from the trails, which was an added bonus she hadn't really anticipated, and soon she found herself on Watkins's Trail. It was a relatively easy one, which she both loved and hated. Harder trails meant her brain didn't have to focus on not falling and could drift a bit. It also meant it would be a fast trail and she wasn't sure if she was okay with that at all. There were probably other trails down and she could definitely take those but she had to admit that Chris was right about the trail being beautiful. The oak trees were huge and old and created enough shade that she almost wished she had brought a light jacket with her. The leaves were vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows, and there was probably nothing more satisfying than the crunch beneath her feet. The therapist had suggested hiking when she was little and while her dad had never been athletic, he had taken her on easier trails until she had been old enough to go by herself. Now, she didn't think there was anything more relaxing int he world.

She needed to let herself relax long enough to come up with some kind of answer for what she was doing and why. She was pretty sure she had covered most of New York and while there were probably other places she could travel to and hike, she was running out of clothes that fit and her passport was at home. So she needed to just figure this out because she couldn't keep doing this, even if she loved it and it felt so much easier than being home. She was pregnant and unemployed and the father of her baby was a massive jackass but it could all be handled. Scott would never be in the picture, that she already knew. The only people who needed to know he was the dad were Lexie, Hillary, and Kevin and she could just raise the baby as a Grey. That seemed like an easy decision to make. Her baby would just be Baby Grey…or whatever she decided to name it.

That was another decision for another time and she wasn't going to let herself freak out about that. She was focusing on her future and how to raise a baby and where to raise a baby and that was all just really big. Her stomach was swirling again and the ligaments were stretching and she took a deep breath as she turned a corner, stopping at the sound of rushing water. She was behind the falls. She had somehow found herself in a small cavern or something behind them and all she could see was a sheet of water, rushing down around rocks as it blurred the landscape in front of her. It was just a mix of color and water and for a second, she didn't think she could breathe or think.

But then her mind picked up on something else. Her stomach had been turning all morning but there was a different sensation now, something inside her that felt like tiny wings beating against the inside of a jar. It wasn't all over, it wasn't her entire stomach, it was just one tiny spot and understanding came over her like a wave. Her little sister Molly had described this to her when she had been pregnant, the tiny experimental butterfly wings that would flap inside her before Laura had been strong enough to kick. She unzipped her hoodie and snuck her hand underneath her sweater, just over the spot where the wings fluttered. "Hi," she whispered over the sound of the waterfall, "it's nice to…I mean, hi."

The baby was moving. It was kicking and moving and Meredith wasn't sure what her reaction was supposed to be and while she expected some kind of panic, she instead felt resolve. This was her baby and her pregnancy and her life and she wasn't going to worry about what Lexie or Hillary wanted. She was the one who was responsible for the tiny butterfly inside of her and that meant she had to make the decisions. She turned to hike up the trail, knowing that Chris had told her about the view up top. He had it on good authority it was the best view in the world, and while Meredith didn't know about that, she knew it was absolutely gorgeous. And as the little butterfly flapped inside her, she could feel her brain coming to a decision, a possibly crazy and impulsive decision, but the only one that could make sense for her.

She could stay here. She could stay here for the pregnancy and write and instead of trying to fix her life in a couple weeks, she could figure out her next steps over the next few months. She could rent the house on the poster and either go back to the city in her last month or maybe just have the baby in Syracuse. She was unemployable for a year anyway, so she could just spend that year here and figure out the way to do this. It was crazy and she knew that but for the first time in eight weeks, she felt like she was making some kind of decision that didn't make her want to throw up.

The view was amazing and she stared at it before pulling out her cell phone. She tapped the screen as she stared at the red and orange expanse in front of her and then took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "Hello?" Her step mom's warm voice answered the phone.

"Hey, Susan," Meredith breathed.

"Meredith, sweetheart!" Susan gasped. "Thatch, Meredith is on the phone! Honey, we've been worried sick. Where are you?"

"In a little town called Oakbrook Falls," Meredith replied softly. "It's about an hour outside of Syracuse and it's amazing."

"Hold on, honey, I'm going to put you on speaker so your dad can talk, too," Susan stated as she put the phone down.

"Meredith?" Dad's voice came over the line a second later. "Meredith, sweetie, where are you?"

"Oakbrook Falls, New York," she repeated, smiling at the warm sensation that moved over her. "You'd love it, Dad, it's beautiful."

"Okay but, Meredith, you're unemployed and you've been traveling for the last three weeks…"

"I know, Dad," she sighed as the wings flapped inside her. "I…I have something to tell you guys. And it's kind of big."

"Bigger than losing your job?" Dad asked.

"Go on, honey," Susan stated as Meredith took a deep breath and stared at the landscape before nodding.

"I'm pregnant," she said into the phone. "I'm almost nineteen weeks pregnant."

She wasn't sure how long the silence lasted on the other end. It could have been five seconds or an eternity, but she really didn't know. She had known it would be a shock and that her parents would probably have to figure out how to react. But she also knew she had to tell them. "I…we didn't know you were trying, honey," Susan said carefully.

"We didn't know you had a serious boyfriend," Dad stated.

"I wasn't and I don't," Meredith murmured.

"So…who…who is the father?" Susan asked.

"It doesn't matter," Meredith shook her head. "Or…I mean, from here forward, the baby doesn't have a father. The baby has me. The baby is a Grey and…the baby doesn't have a father."

"All babies have a father, Meredith," Dad insisted. He was probably frowning and running his hands over his face, he usually did that when he was surprised or anxious.

"This one doesn't," she stated. "He…he didn't want to be involved and it means there is no father. So don't worry about that part. I'm just calling…I'm pregnant."

'You're pregnant," Susan echoed. "Almost halfway."

"I…yeah," she breathed as she felt that panic rise in her again. "I…it was a shock and I just…I've had trouble…but I'm coming to terms with it and…I'm pregnant."

"Does your sister know?" Dad asked on a long sigh.

"She does but I made her swear not to tell until I figured this all out so don't…don't call her and yell at her," Meredith insisted. "She's been telling me to tell you guys for weeks and I just…don't yell at her."

"We're not going to yell at her, Meredith," Susan promised. "I think we're just…in shock. At first you said you lost your job and then you were going on vacation and now you're almost halfway through your pregnancy. It's…"

"What the hell is happening to your life?" Dad asked.

"I…I wish I had an answer for that, Dad," she breathed. "And I…I'm not going home."

"What?" Susan gasped. "Meredith, you're pregnant. You're going to have doctor's appointments and I can fly out and help you, Lexie can help you."

"I know, I know," Meredith said quickly. "And I might go home for the last month but I just…the apartment is too small and I can't work anyway and I just want to be happy. I just need some time to breathe and figure out my next step and I really think I can do that here. So I think…I'm going to rent a house here and just be here for a bit."

"Sweetheart…" Dad started.

"Dad, you can't change my mind," she stated. "I just wanted you guys to know. Maybe I can get some writing done here, some real writing that I can be proud of. And it's quiet here and a lot less pollution and…I've already made up my mind."

"And there's no changing it," Susan said after a second. "You have to call us with weekly updates, Meredith. You can't disappear while you're there. And if there are any complications with the pregnancy, you have to go home and I'll fly out."

"Okay,' she agreed softly.

"We mean it, Meredith," Dad said firmly. "You have to put your health and the baby's health first. This…I know it's a surprise and it's a lot but you have to take care of yourself."

"I know, Dad," she sighed. "I…are you guys…I mean, are you pissed?"

"We're not pissed, honey," Susan denied. "I think we just have to process."

"I get that," she sighed as she turned to look down at the waterfall. "I've been processing a lot."

"Hence the traveling."

"Yeah…" Meredith breathed as she felt the butterfly wings again. "Dad?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you think…nature versus nurture…can I be better than Mom?"

"Oh, sweetheart…" Dad breathed, his voice breaking slightly. "I think nurture will win out on this one."

"I really hope so," she sighed heavily. "I…I should probably go. I need to call Lexie and Hillary and then go rent this house and…figure out moving."

"Is there anything you need from us, honey?" Susan asked.

"No, I think I'm okay," she insisted. "I'm using my inheritance from Mom to set this all up and…I should be okay."

"Can you call us later once you have some more information about where you'll be living?" Dad asked. "And look up doctors in the area."

"I will," Meredith promised. "I know there's a doctor in town but I doubt he's an OBGYN. I'll probably have to go to Syracuse but…I'll look."

"Good," Susan sighed. "We love you, honey. Just…keep us in the loop, okay?"

"I love you guys, too," Meredith sighed as she hung up the call and rubbed her hand over her sore sides. The butterfly wings had stopped and she was pretty sure she was going crazy. She was just deciding to stay in a town she had barely been in for twelve hours, it was ridiculous and impulsive and possibly stupid. But this felt right. She didn't know what else she could possibly do right now. So this was her first really big decision. It was crazy but she had butterfly wings inside her and she was almost halfway through and it just felt like time. It felt like it was time for her to take a step in any direction that resembled forward.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket again and then took another deep breath. She would go back into town and look at the house and then probably drive back to Manhattan tonight. If everything went to plan, then she could be moved in by the end of her nineteenth week. And then she could start making other important steps. She opened her iMessage and typed out a text, suddenly surprised by how her fingers weren't shaking at all. _Hey, guys, I need your help._

_And then she'll get stuck_

_And be scared of the life that's inside her_

_Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her_

_To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes_


	5. Flashbacks I Don't Want to Remember

**Chapter 5- Flashbacks I Don't Want to Remember**

Over the years, every Shepherd kid had heard the story of how their childhood home had come to exist on Long Island. They knew that their father had built the home for their mom soon after their marriage, when she had been pregnant with Kathleen, and had surprised her with it just before Kathy had been born. They knew their parents had dreamed of filling it with children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and that Ma considered her garden her space for just her. It was common knowledge that the changes they had had to make after Dad had been shot had just made the house even more special. The fact was, Derek's childhood home was something of out of a legend, and he hated that every time he came, he felt like he had lost the magic.

It was still the same house and he knew now, as an adult, that his parents were part of the magic. His mom's quiet strength and his dad's larger than life personality somehow combined to create the perfect home, and he didn't think that magic was lost. His parents were incredible people and probably the healthiest married couple ever, and definitely the best parents. There was no challenge that was ever too big for them and they were always ready to help out their kids. From the second he had driven up to the house the Sunday before, his parents had been all about helping him and making sure he was comfortable. It had been amazing and he had really appreciated it, but after six days, he was starting to realize that he just wanted to go home.

His childhood house had always been one of his most favorite places on earth. The tire swing that Dad had hung when he was five was still there and the back porch that faced Mom's garden and the tiny pond had always been his favorite place to relax. But now, all he saw was the way it would have been decorated, the time and care that Ma had put into making their house look like some kind of fairy tale. He had never gotten a chance to see it, but he had heard all about it, and nothing felt worse than knowing how it all had ended. Thinking about it made him want to run away back to Oakbrook Falls and just beg his parents to come visit him. But every time he came to Long Island, he tried to tell himself that it would be better, that it wouldn't hurt as much this time around.

But he felt panicky and on edge and he hated that he couldn't have his routine here. He tried to go for a run in the mornings but traffic into the city was a mess and he had been for the symposium on the first day. Even his back up plan didn't feel right, if only because this wasn't his normal place to run. He didn't have the same streets, he couldn't stop for coffee and sit at his table, and he couldn't just walk to work. The whole week had been a mess and he knew the only way he'd be able to get back on track was to get home as soon as possible, away from his parents' worried gazes.

He hated that they still looked at him like that. It had been eighteen years and every time he tried to show them that he was doing better, that Oakbrook Falls had been good for him, something happened to make them look at him and each other like they had eighteen years earlier. And after snapping at his mom when she had asked him to stay another day so that he could be at a family dinner, he wasn't sure if he wanted the back patio to swallow him whole or if he just wanted to go home. If he was honest with himself, he knew he was itching to get back in his car to drive back home and start his routine back over. He wanted to be away from the busy streets here and the noise and the sad looks and he wanted to be Dr. Shepherd, who everyone loved.

But tonight his brother and his sister were coming over and it seemed important to see them. Mark had been out to Oakbrook Falls a few times and had liked it, but he was more of a city person. And Sophie was always either pregnant or just had a ton of kids and the four hour drive was hard for her. So he did want to see them. He had gone over to his sister, Emily's, house earlier in the week so he could play with his sick niece. Kids made things easier a lot of the time and he had loved playing with the little girl who had no idea how hard her life was. It had been the lightest he had felt all week and now he was hoping he could find that with Sophie's kids or maybe even with Mark, who never looked at him like he might break again.

He ran his hand over his face and stared at his mom's garden as he gripped his beer bottle. Fairy lights. They had talked a lot about fairy lights. Derek hadn't even been sure what fairy lights were until Sophie had showed him, and even then he had figured they were just Christmas lights. But there would have been fairy lights woven through the trees and Mom's garden, playing off the fall colors. He thought they had agreed on red for the tablecloths and while his brain kept conjuring up blood, he was pretty sure it had been a darker red, maybe a burgundy. But blood red seemed more realistic as his breath caught in his throat and his hands began to shake. He hadn't seen the backyard, he hadn't gotten a chance to see it, but he could see it now in front of him, coming to life and he was suddenly freezing. He could hear music starting to play and the fairy lights seemed to move along the blood and he closed his eyes quickly as his chest tightened painfully.

It wasn't real. It wasn't real and his brain was playing tricks on him. It was just Ma's garden and the back patio and the tire swing. None of it was real and when he opened his eyes, it would all be gone and he could go home tomorrow morning. His hand moved from the neck of the beer bottle to his back pocket, reflexively checking for his wallet, and then he opened his eyes. The back yard was empty, the wind was feeling crisp, and he could hear the neighbor's cat by the small pond. Everything was okay. He was okay and tomorrow he could go home.

Tomorrow morning, he would drive home and get ready for the week. He could gather his patient files, look into some of the programs the symposium had talked about, and then check his emails to see if Patty had booked anything else for him while he had been gone. At five-thirty, he would go for a run and then warm up the leftovers Ma had been gathering for him all week before taking a shower and going to bed at eleven. And then Monday would feel right. Everything would be okay and his bran would stop playing tricks on him and he could be himself again. He was just overly tired and wasn't used to being around this many people and everything would be okay.

He stood up from the back patio and turned to walk back into the house, intent on at least apologizing to his parents for snapping at them earlier. He understood why they wanted him to stay for the family dinner, he really did, but Mom had been pressuring him when his mind had been on other things and he just hadn't communicated what he had wanted very well. It really wasn't okay and he needed to be less of an asshole for the last few hours he was here and just show her that he really was doing okay. He didn't want to leave with his mom thinking there was a problem and he forced his breathing to calm and his hands to stop shaking as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen.

"I think you guys might be overreacting a little bit," Sophie's voice drifted from the kitchen and Derek frowned slightly as he leaned against the wall. He hadn't heard her come in, and usually his sister came running to say hi to him. "You called him one day and his routine was off and then he called you the exact same day and said he was going to come spend a whole week here. That sounds like the exact of a problem, really."

"Sophie, you are choosing what to listen to," Mom sighed heavily as he heard the sounds of plates being taken down from the cupboard. "He's been moody, distracted, and combative. He takes the long way into the city so that he has to wake up even earlier…"

"Ma, the anniversary is coming up," Sophie pointed out. "Twenty years is kind of a big deal. I think he gets to be a little weird about things."

"He's not being a little weird," Ma insisted and Derek shook his head as he took a deep breath. "This is more than a little weird."

"I think what your ma is trying to say, princess," Dad interrupted as the sound of the wheels of his wheelchair filled Derek's ears, "is that after twenty years, we would expect him to at least talk about it. We thought…well, we all love Oakbrook Falls and I do think Derek is doing well there."

"So then what are we talking about?" Sophie sighed. "Because you sent Cam to the playroom like you were about to tell me that Derek was really bad off and shouldn't be around him."

"Dad and I have been wondering if we should ask him if he wants to come home and maybe talk to a therapist again," Mom stated and Derek felt his heart drop at the concern in his mom's voice.

"Do you want my honest opinion?"

"After dinner, yes," Mom answered.

"No, I meant now," Sophie insisted. "And my opinion is that Derek loves Oakbrook Falls and he loves being a doctor there and if you talk to him about that instead of trying to force him to talk about something that happened twenty years ago, then he's almost like his normal self. And Em told me he was amazing with Amber. And I also think that it's our job as his family to accept that this is Derek now instead of waiting for him to get better."

"Sophie, no one is waiting.."

"You're either waiting for him to get worse or to get better, Ma," Sophie sighed. "This is just him now. So I think worrying about him constantly just makes him feel worse."

"We wouldn't want him to come home permanently," Dad said quickly. "Just for the next couple of months."

"I think taking him out of Oakbrook Falls would be a disaster," Sophie stated and Derek sent out a silent thank you to his baby sister before turning to walk down the hallway towards the playroom. He hated this. He hated that his parents spent every second they were with him worrying and watching for signs. He had never meant to do that to them, and it was warranted, but after eighteen years he just wanted them to see that he wasn't in that place anymore. Their backyard might freak him out and he did take all the long way, but Oakbrook Falls has changed him for the better. He had his routines and his patients and none of that was actually bad. The anniversary would make things weird but that happened every year and he really didn't understand why his parents couldn't look at the good things in his life. Especially because, for the most part, he was doing really well.

"Uncle Derek!" Cameron, his six year old nephew, shouted before running towards him. Derek immediately leaned down and opened his arms to the mischievous little boy.

"Cam-man!" He grinned, bracing for the impact of Cam tackling him. "I've been waiting all day for you! Where were you?"

"At my house," Cameron laughed as he kissed his cheek. "It's been three million years since you was here!"

"Three million years?" Derek gasped. "Are you sure?"

"Huh huh," Cam nodded eagerly, pulling back from him as his bright blue eyes sparkled. "I went to Disney World and met Mickey Mouse."

"You did?" Derek grinned. "Well, then it must have been three million years because the last time I saw you, you definitely didn't know Mickey Mouse."

"Do you know Mickey Mouse?"

"I don't," Derek shook his head sadly. "What was he like?"

"He was real tall," Cameron reported as he lifted his hand far above his head. "And he shook my hand and he laughed cause I said he should fly on a plane with me back home cause then he'd see Santa when it's snowing. Daddy said it don't snow in Florida."

"It doesn't," Derek agreed as Cam jumped out of his arms and back towards the play room. "Who else did you see at Disney?"

"Um…Mickey and Minnie and Buzz and Woody," Cameron listed. "And Captain America. He was real cool."

"That sounds like an awesome vacation, Cam-man," Derek grinned, watching as his nephew fell down on the ground by a stack of legos. "What are we building?"

"A big building like my dad builds," Cameron reported. "Did you know I'm gonna be a chef, Uncle Derek? Nana said she would teach me about cooking and I think that's pretty good because she has the yummiest food."

"I think so too," Derek agreed as he sat down next to the little boy and picked up Legos. His nieces and nephews never really noticed when things weren't good with him, and if they did, they generally wanted to just play. Cameron was precocious, hilarious, and was always getting into trouble which never failed to make Derek laugh. Sophie always texted him about whatever Cameron got himself into and it just felt right to be sitting with him now, listening to him ramble on about what he wanted to be when he grew up and stacking Legos together. It was relaxing and almost made him forget about Mom and Dad watching him for any sign of a breakdown that they could think of. At least Sophie was on his side, which was at least on track for his little sister. She had never thought he was as broken as everyone else did, and when she did come to Oakbrook Falls, she always told him how perfect it was for him.

"Cam?" Dad's voice called, accompanied by the sound of his wheels on the hardwood floor. "Derek?"

"We're building, Grandpa!" Cameron called back.

"Oh we are?" Dad laughed as he opened the door and grinned down at them. "What are we building?"

"A big building," Derek answered his dad. "Like Brian makes."

"it's gonna be giant," Cameron announced as he handed Derek a blue Lego.

"We thought you were on the patio, Derek," Dad stated.

"I was and then I came to find Cam," Derek shrugged before smiling at his dad, who was usually his hero. His dad was larger than life and hilarious and had recovered from being shot and becoming paralyzed to become the best dad he could be. He volunteered with other paraplegics and he helped Ma to volunteer at the church sometimes, but more than anything, he was madly in love with Ma still. It was amazing to watch, but right now, and maybe ever since what had happened, things had just been different. He hated it and when Dad called him in the morning, he tried to keep it light and tried to get it back to normal. Most of the time he thought he did a pretty good job, but judging by the conversation he had overheard in the kitchen, he wasn't doing a great job. "What's up, Dad?"

"Just coming to tell you Sophie is here and Mark should be here any minute."

"And I'm here," Cam smirked.

"And you're here," Derek laughed at his nephew and tousled his hair. "Did you hear about Mickey Mouse, Dad?"

"Yeah I did," Dad nodded. "We'll have to show Uncle Derek the picture, Cam-man."

"Oh yeah!" Cameron nodded quickly. "It's a real good picture."

"I can't wait to see it."

"When can I come see you, Uncle Derek? So we can go fishing on the waterfall?"

"Any time you want, Cam-man," Derek nodded as he stacked the blocks. "Just ask your mommy to ask me and then we'll figure it out."

"I think that sounds pretty cool," Dad grinned at Cameron before checking his watch. "Cam-man, I think it's time to wash your hands so we can have dinner."

"Kay," Cameron sighed as he handed Derek another Lego and then ran out of the room. Derek turned to stack it on top of the tower, desperately trying to avoid his Dad's careful gaze. He could feel it on the back of his neck and he fought the sudden thought of how his dad had looked at him in the hospital twenty years ago, sad and scared mixed with gratefulness.

"Dad, you don't have to stare," he tried to be blunt.

"I'm not staring, bud," Dad shook his head. "I was actually just thinking of when you were a kid playing with your blocks."

"Getting nostalgic in your old age?" He teased.

"Hey, you're not exactly a spring chicken anymore," Dad laughed softly. "You used to build the tower as high as it would go and the second we'd clap for you, you'd knock it down."

"I thought that's what all kids would do."

"It pretty much is," Dad agreed as he ran his hand over his wheels. "But the thing is, the second you knocked it down, you sat down and tried to figure out how to build it even better so it wouldn't fall down again. You would sit in that pile of rubble for hours and refused to move."

"That might have been the first hint that I would become a doctor," Derek pointed out as he smiled slightly. "That sounds like what I do at the practice when I can't figure out a case."

"That's probably a good point," Dad nodded slowly. "How's the practice going?"

"Great," Derek felt his grin widen because if Sophie was right about anything, it was that talking about his little town and his patients made everything feel better. "We're busier than ever and now that the kids are all back in school…well, I was thinking about opening in the mornings on Saturday. Patty seemed to like the idea, too, even though she pointed out that even if we don't do it, I'll just do house calls."

"That town must be lost without you this week," Dad shook his head.

"Probably," Derek agreed as he stood from the Lego tower. "Dad?"

"Yeah, bud?"

"I'm really doing okay," he insisted. "I know…I want to apologize to Mom because I shouldn't have yelled at her. It's never easy…and the symposium was a lot but I'm really doing okay."

"And if I say we know you are, are you going to roll your eyes at me and try to pretend you didn't hear us?" Dad asked as he looked at Derek over the rim of his glasses.

"How…"

"You're not as quiet as you think," Dad laughed and then shook his head. "And you left your beer bottle on the table in the hallway."

"Sorry," Derek groaned, shaking his head just as Mom walked into the room. "Hey, Ma."

"I was coming to see where you two were," Mom smiled at him as her hand immediately found Dad's. "Cameron's setting the table and Mark just got here."

"So I guess I need to go socialize," Derek nodded before walking towards his mom. "I…sorry. About earlier."

"Derek…"

"I am, Ma," he insisted, running his fingers through his hair. "It's hard for me to be away from the town and my patients. And sometimes…but I shouldn't snap at you when you just want me to see everyone. It's been a long time since I saw them and…I'm sorry."

"Oh, sweetheart," Mom breathed as she reached out tentatively towards him. That was an old habit and one that he had really hoped she would break. "It's okay. We just…we want to be sure you're okay."

"I am, Mom," he promised, letting himself lean into her touch. "But I shouldn't yell."

"You have your patients to get back to," Dad shook his head. "Your life in Oakbrook Falls."

"Just promise just that if you don't feel okay…" Mom started and then trailed off as Dad squeezed her hand.

"We should go eat dinner," Dad stated. "Your Ma's pot roast is always a favorite."

"You definitely didn't have to do pot roast, Ma," Derek shook his head as he turned to walked out of the playroom. He could hear his mom answer him but he could feel his brain going to that different place it always went right before he saw his brother. To the phone call, to his brother laughing about him forgetting to pay the bartender in advance. It wasn't a big deal but he always had to take a few deep breaths before he could see his brother, even though none of it had been his fault.

"Shep!" Mark greeted him with a huge grin and then immediately walked forward in the dining room to pull him into a tight hug.

"Hey, Mark," he smiled at his brother whose hair was now almost completely gray. Mark had started graying twenty-five years ago and had somehow managed to make it look distinguished and he swore it helped him get laid, which was actually Mark's favorite past time.

"Good to see you, buddy," he grinned, clapping him on the back. "I got you a beer."

"Thanks, Mark," Derek grinned at him before turning to his little sister and pulling her into a tight hug. "Hi, Sophbug."

"Hi, Derbear," Sophie whispered as she rubbed her back. "It's so good to see you. Even if I hate you for seeing Em first."

"Hey, Amber's been sick and needed some Derbear hugs," Derek shrugged at her before sitting down at the table. Fairy lights. Sophie had been the one to show him the fairy lights first, bouncing at fourteen at getting to contribute to the whole thing. He swallowed heavily and reached to move his glass slightly to the right of his plate before taking a deep breath.

"I still can't believe you didn't bring Lexie, sweetheart," Mom was saying to Mark as she served Dad some pot roast.

"She's coming tomorrow, Ma," Mark laughed, shaking his head. "She does have to work, you know, especially since she was out earlier this week."

"Right, helping her sister move," Dad nodded. "How'd that go?"

"Well, she's moved," Mark shrugged. "Some tiny town upstate. I told her we had that in common."

"Wait…who are we talking about?" Derek frowned.

"Markie's girlfriend, Lexie," Sophie grinned. "They've been dating for the last couple of months. We love her."

"Mark…Mark has a girlfriend?" Derek turned to his brother. "How did I not know that?"

"It's relatively new," Mark shrugged as he sipped at his beer. "But yeah…I have a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend who has met the family."

"Not a big deal, Shep," Mark insisted even as he grinned.

"A pretty big deal," Sophie laughed as she cut Cameron's pot roast.

"Be nice, Sophbug," Mark warned.

"What? You're actually dating an amazing human woman who we all love and that is a big deal," Sophie shrugged. "You're probably going to marry her and have babies. I think that's a huge deal."

"Mark doesn't…that's not…" Derek shook his head as he glanced at his brother.

"Times change when you're off in small towns, buddy," Mark shrugged.

"Mark's turned over a new leaf," Sophie laughed and Derek shifted in his chair as he reached for his beer.

"And we love her," Mom smiled warmly at Mark.

"She loves you guys, too," Mark nodded before glancing at Derek. "So what's new, buddy?"

"I…nothing really," Derek shrugged. "A lot of new patients at the center…and I ran the camp's first aide over the summer. And a symposium on pediatrics in rural areas."

"Any new hot single women in Oakbrook Falls?" Mark smirked as Sophie groaned, shaking her head at him. "What?"

"Honestly, Mark," Sophie shook her head.

"I just…I want to hear about you guys," Derek shook his head as he swallowed back against the weird surge of panic that rose up in him. "Soph, Cam said you guys went to Disney World."

"Mommy, I told him about Mickey Mouse," Cameron reported as Derek listened to his sister start talking. Or at least kind of listened because his brother who never changed was changing and that felt like a break in a routine he didn't even know he needed. Twenty years ago, his brother had been a manwhore who his parents had worried about. Now, his parents were talking about a woman that they loved, a woman that was already part of the family. It just felt like a lot of change and he ran his hand along the table cloth as he nodded at Sophie's story about the parks. All he wanted was to get home right now. He just wanted to know that when he got home, nothing would have changed, and no one would ask him if anything had changed with him. And more than anything, he didn't want to look at his baby sister and see fairy light, or his brother and hear a laughing phone call, or his parents and remember the sad, worried looks of twenty years ago. He just wanted to go back to a world where those things were in the past.

_I have been waiting_

_Always waiting for something new_

_Happiness has always ended_

_In the blink of an eye_


	6. There You Are

**Chapter 6- There You Are**

There was something that was almost fun about decorating a house instead of an apartment. Since she had first moved out on her own, she had always had tiny spaces to decorate, and it had always been all about functionality. Really, if she was being honest, she wasn't sure she really had a sense of style when it came to her homes. But now she had a two bedroom house with a cute little living room with a fireplace and a newly renovated kitchen that she actually loved. The house was older, apparently one of the older homes in Oakbrook Falls, but the newest owners had done an amazing job renovating. They were renting out the home for now, but they had told her there was a chance they would sell it and Meredith was really trying not to think about that right now.

She had been in Oakbrook Falls for two weeks now, and she was falling madly in love with the little life she was building and the house she was decorating. Lexie and Hillary had come into town for the first few days but now the rest of it was all up to her. The living room felt warm and comfortable, and she really did like her new bedroom. It had her furniture from her apartment but it felt different somehow. She couldn't really put it into words, but she really was starting to feel at home in the little house, even if it wasn't completely done. She had ordered a lot of things from Amazon and it was all finally starting to get here, which meant she could focus on putting the finishing touches on the place she had decided would be home for at least the next few months.

The second bedroom was at the far end of the hallway, facing a fenced in backyard, and she wasn't sure what to do with it yet. If she stayed here after the baby came, then it would have to be a nursery, at least until she went back to Manhattan. It was a choice she was going to have to make at some point, but right now she was just enjoying setting up her own place to live. Today was all about setting up her bathroom and finishing off her kitchen and then probably getting started on the piece she had been assigned by a small online outlet that celebrated women. It wasn't exactly what she had dreamed of writing while she was here, but she was getting paid and a little bit of extra money wasn't a bad thing.

After she finished her house, she needed to order maternity clothes, if only because the only thing she could really wear right now was leggings and oversized sweaters, which she didn't actually hate. She didn't know a lot about small towns, but she did know that they would probably gossip about the pregnant single woman who had just rented a house and she wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She really didn't go out very much and when she did, it was usually to run to get something quick. She kept telling herself it was just because she was trying to build up her house first, but she was twenty-one weeks pregnant and she wasn't sure how well her sweaters were going to hide it right now. She knew at some point she would have to be more open about it, she wasn't stupid, but she just…she wasn't actually sure what it mattered if the town knew but she wasn't ready.

The little butterfly wings were getting stronger every day, still not actual kicks, but still insistent enough that she couldn't really ignore that her baby was really growing inside her. She was planning on going to Syracuse next week for her first appointment since her first one and she was pretty sure they were going to lecture her for being the worst mom ever. She really didn't want them to think that, not at all, but this was all so scary. She was pregnant, she was going to be a single mom, and while she still had a lot to figure out, she was really trying to be better. She was still terrified, but the little butterfly wings were sometimes really soothing. She was pretty sure it meant she was doing a good job, even if it wasn't great.

She grabbed the shower caddy she had ordered from Amazon and walked back to her bathroom, humming slightly under her breath. Once she was done with the house set up, she would feel more at home and things would start to settle into place. She loved how peaceful Oakbrook Falls was, and she didn't think she would ever get tired of the waterfalls. Right now, every inch of the town was decorated for Halloween and it all just seemed so…perfect somehow. She climbed up onto the edge the tub, trying to balance herself against the wall as she leaned towards the shower head to hang up the caddy. She almost had it, it was so close, but her head suddenly spun and before she could pull back, she felt herself falling as her hands flailed out. The fall probably only took a couple seconds, but it felt like it took an eternity before she sat up slowly in the tub, vaguely aware of her throbbing wrist and smarting ankle. "Crap," she breathed as she started to stand, balancing herself against the wall. 'Crap. Crap…oh god…" She whispered as her hand fell to her curved stomach, where she could feel tiny butterfly wings fluttering intensely.

She had fallen. She had actually fallen and she didn't know a lot about pregnancy but she knew something like this could be really bad. She had no idea if she had actually hit her stomach or if that even mattered but she had actually fallen and suddenly the pain in her ankle didn't matter. "Shit," she whimpered as she climbed out of the tub and reached for her phone. Everything in her told her to call 911 but she wasn't in New York and the nearest hospital was an hour away. But she had fallen and she had a tiny baby inside her who moved and now something could be wrong and it would be her fault. "Fuck," she gasped, cradling her tiny bump for a second. There was another few flutters and maybe it was in her head but she really wondered if they were weaker somehow. "Please be okay," she whispered. "Please please be okay."

There was a doctor in town, she knew that. She hadn't seen him yet, but she knew there was a doctor in town and his office wasn't very far from her new house. He probably wasn't an OBGYN, but maybe he could at least call someone in an emergency if something was wrong, or at least tell her if anything was wrong. She grabbed her wallet and began limping out of her house and then down the street, trying to just keep breathing. It had to be okay. Her whole life had been turned upside down by this pregnancy and she really hadn't been sure she had wanted it but it was starting to feel like a good thing. She was starting to get used to her growing belly and to the little flutters, and she was actually starting to think of the curve as a real baby. So it just had to be okay because she could already feel the panic and sadness growing inside her as she fought through the pain in her ankle.

It was going to be okay. She had to believe that one stupid mistake wouldn't ruin something actually reasonably good in her life. Nothing about the pregnancy or the baby had seemed good at first but it was and she had to believe life wouldn't fuck her over like this. She was unemployed and unemployable and she didn't want to lose her baby just because she had been stupid enough to try to hang up a shower caddy. She hadn't even thought about falling or losing her balance and now it was….she shook her head, struggling to take a deep breath as she tried to limp faster towards the Oakbrook Falls Medical Center.

It wasn't a huge building and she wasn't even sure it should be called a medical center, but it was the best she had and she just had to get seen by a doctor. There were a ton of people in the waiting room, a few kids playing with toys in a giant toy box, and Meredith took a deep breath as she walked towards the receptionist desk. "Good morning," the receptionist smiled at her. "Did you make an appointment?"

"No," Meredith swallowed heavily as she looked around the busy waiting room. "But I need to see the doctor."

"If you want to sign in here, I can put you on the walk in appointment list," the receptionist smiled as she tapped a sign in sheet.

"No," she repeated. "I…I fell in the shower and I really need to see the doctor."

"Did you hit your head?" The receptionist asked as she typed into her computer. "Blurred vision, vomiting…"

"I didn't…I'm pregnant," Meredith whispered. "I'm pregnant and I fell in the shower and I need to see a doctor, please."

"Oh…" the receptionist paused as she looked up at Meredith. "How far along are you?"

"Twenty-one weeks," she answered.

"Okay," the receptionist stood up quickly. "Stay right there and I'll be right back with Patty, our head nurse."

"Okay," Meredith whispered, shifting her weight slightly from her ankle. Her wrist was killing her too but all she could think about was the little butterfly wings that she hadn't felt in a few minutes. It made her eyes burn and she took a slow breath just as the office door opened and a tall, dark-skinned woman came out in bright pink scrubs.

"Hi, honey, I'm Patty," the nurse came forward to shake her hand. "What's your name?"

"Meredith," she answered, her voice shaking slightly. "Meredith Grey."

"And you're twenty-one weeks pregnant?" Patty asked as Meredith nodded in confirmation. "You fell in the shower? When?"

"Just a few minutes ago," Meredith whispered. "I was trying to hang up my shower caddy and I…I don't know…I think I got dizzy and I fell."

"Okay," Patty nodded as she rubbed Meredith's arm. "Come on back and let's take a look at you and baby to make sure you're both okay."

"Patty," a woman sitting by the door groaned as the nurse grabbed Meredith's arm to lead her back to the exam area, "I've been waiting for two hours and I really would like to see Dr. Shepherd today."

"Pamela, if you needed to see the doctor, that would be one thing," Patty stated, "but thinking you take the place of an emergency when you just want to flirt with him is a whole other. You know very well he won't close the office until he's seen everyone so you can just be patient."

"I…sorry," Meredith whispered to the nurse. "I didn't know how busy you guys would be and I just…I couldn't call 911."

"There is nothing to apologize for," Patty shook her head. "Do we need to call your husband?"

"I…I don't have a husband," she whispered.

"Boyfriend?'

"No…I…there's no one," she said, glancing down at the curve that was hidden underneath her sweater.

"Okay, that's all right," Patty assured her. "Any cramping or bleeding?"

"No," she shook her head quickly.

"Is Baby moving?"

"I…I don't know," Meredith breathed as tears gathered in her eyes. "I haven't actually…I mean, butterfly wings. There are a lot of butterfly wings but not kicking or…there were flutters right after but not recently or…"

"Take a deep breath, honey," Patty squeezed her hand.. "Baby might just be napping and there's no reason to panic. Was everything okay during your last check up?"

"Oh...I...I haven't been...I mean, everything was good when I went at ten weeks," Meredith whispered as she felt her cheeks heat. "And I know that makes me a terrible mom but I swear I can explain."

"That doesn't make you anything," Patty frowned as she looked up from the chart. "Honey, I've been a nurse for a long time and all I ever think about my patients is that they're doing the best they can with what the Lord has given them. That's it. You're doing the best you can. Anything else, we can deal with."

"Okay..." Meredith took a deep breath as she wiped her cheeks.

"Now, what we're going to do today is make sure you two are in perfect shape," Patty stated. "The first step of that is you stepping on that scale so we can start a chart for you and Baby."

"I can do that," Meredith agreed as she stepped on the scale, her ankle protesting. Patty played with it slightly and Meredith's eyes widened when she realized she had actually gained twelve pounds already. Her pants weren't fitting and she had noticed her hips were bigger but she really had hadn't known how it would all translate in terms of weight gain.

"Okay, step down," Patty smiled before gently grabbing her arm. "We're going to go into the room just behind me. Still no cramps?"

"No cramps," she replied, glancing down at her stomach.

"Good," the nurse smiled warmly as she opened the door and Meredith limped into a small but strangely cozy exam room. "There's a gown on the chair there for you to change into. Dr. Shepherd is going to do a full exam today so I'm afraid the gown is mandatory. You can just step behind the screen there."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered as she grabbed the gown from the chair and limped to the privacy screen that was up. Her mind was racing and she was just trying to stay calm. There wasn't any cramping, which had to be a good sign and there wasn't any blood on her underwear. That had to mean good things for the baby.

"How old are you, honey?" Patty called.

"Thirty eight," Meredith replied as she gently ran her hand over the curve of her stomach. It was rounder now, still small but rounder, and she almost wished she could actually look at it now instead of trying to hide it.

"And you're twenty-one weeks, which puts you due sometime in late February."

"February twenty-third," she nodded, clutching the robe around her as she limped back towards the exam table.

"And your last appointment confirmed a single baby with a heartbeat?" Patty asked as she helped her onto the table.

"Yeah," Meredith breathed.

"Okay," Patty murmured as she gently rubbed Meredith's back. "When did you move here, honey?"

"Two weeks ago," Meredith whispered. "From Manhattan."

"Well, welcome to Oakbrook Falls," Patty grinned before she turned to grab a blood pressure cuff. "Now, here's what I think is going to happen today, which can absolutely change based on the doctor's findings. But, he'll come in, examine you and Baby for any injuries from the fall. Once he's satisfied everything is ok, he'll order a whole round of tests for you. So we'll be getting blood and urine from you today until Dr. Shepherd is happy that you and Baby are both healthy."

"Is Dr. Shepherd an OBGYN?" Meredith asked softly as the blood pressure cuff closed around her upper arm and Patty went silent for a moment before taking the cuff off.

"He's a bit of everything in this town," Patty laughed softly. "He's a damn fine doctor and he usually takes care of the pregnant women in town before sending them out to Syracuse when the time gets closer. As long as their pregnancies are uncomplicated, of course. He knows what he's looking for and he'll take good of you two."

"Us two," Meredith breathed, resting her hand on the small curve of her stomach that could not be hidden by the paper gown as it seemed to frame the bump, pulling across it.

"I'll be right back with him," Patty assured her. "Sit tight. It should only be a minute or two."

"Thanks, Patty," Meredith sighed heavily before falling back against the table, her hand still resting on the tiny bump. She was an idiot and she wasn't even sure she had been doing her best. She was five months pregnant, she definitely shouldn't have been trying to hang a stupid shower caddy by herself, especially by balancing on the tub. Patty was probably telling the doctor that she didn't even care about the baby and there was a lot of judging going on, which she deserved. She should have gone to the doctor months ago, she should have gone every month, but now there was a chance it was going to be gone before she ever really came around to it. She took a deep breath, fighting the hot tears in her eyes, and then sat up as there was a knock on the door, it opened, and Meredith's jaw dropped.

Of all the things she had assumed about Oakbrook Falls, the idea that their doctor was an old man had been pretty high on her list. Instead, the man standing in front of her in jeans, a button down, and a white lab coat was...he was gorgeous. He wasn't really tall, but he was lean and muscular and...his hair. His hair was a gorgeous dark brown that was beginning to go gray which was especially noticeable when he walked closer to her, the light catching the specks of gray in his barely managed curls. And then there were his bright blue eyes, a little too close together in his face but the blue was so clear that for a minute, Meredith couldn't focus on anything else. "Hi, Meredith," he smiled at her and she swore her body was melting under his gaze, "I'm Derek Shepherd."

"Derek...Dr. Shepherd," she breathed as she shook his offered hand. A shiver went through every inch of her body and she looked up at him just as he cocked his head to the side, his lips opening slightly as his brow furrowed. "Hi."

"Hi," Dr. Shepherd whispered back before shaking his head and dropping her hand. "And Derek is fine."

"Derek, right," she nodded as she took a deep breath. She could not fuck the town doctor. She was five months pregnant and she could not have sex with the town's doctor no matter how gorgeous he was.

"Patty tells me you fell in the shower," Derek stated as he turned to wash his hands at the sink. "And that you're worried about your baby."

"I did," she sighed heavily. "I...falling can be bad for pregnancy, right?"

"It can be," Derek agreed before turning back to her. "How did you fall?"

"I um...it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it. I mean, I'm not even...but I was trying to hang my shower caddy and I was balancing on the tub and I just got dizzy," she explained, trying desperately to look anywhere but Derek's blue eyes because she was pretty sure she could drown in them or something.

"Well, the dizziness was probably from your blood pressure," Derek explained as the door opened again and Patty wheeled in an ultrasound machine. "It's a little low, which is pretty common at this point in the second trimester. Your blood vessels are a little constricted and your blood is working to support the baby. Unfortunately, it can lead to falls."

"Oh," she breathed.

"Did you land on your stomach?"

"I...I don't think so," she shook her head. "Maybe? It happened really fast."

"No bleeding or cramping?" He asked as he shined a light in her eyes.

"None," she confirmed. "I just…I want to know everything is okay."

"I know you do," he smiled at her in a way that made her heart pound slightly. Hormones. It had to be hormones that was making her want to have sex with this man right now because her brain was going to really inappropriate thoughts and that was really bad when she was wondering if her baby had survived a stupid mistake. "We're going to take a look and everything will be okay."

"Lay back, honey," Patty advised her as she adjust the back of the exam table so that Meredith was lying back on an angle. The nurse draped a blanket over her lap and knees and then pushed the gown up to just under her breasts, exposing her rounded abdomen. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to take a deep breath and then opened them, glancing down at her changing body just as Patty squeezed her arm.

"I want to do a pelvic first," Derek explained to her as he pulled a stool forward. "I just want to make sure your cervix isn't dilating or thinning out and then we'll take a look at the baby. Are you okay?"

"Yeah…yeah…" she breathed even as she felt hot tears fill her eyes again. "Sorry, I just…this is…"

"Take a deep breath and let it out slowly," Derek advised as he made eye contact with Patty who immediately grabbed Meredith's hand and squeezed tight. "I'm going to tell you everything I'm doing and everything I see, okay?"

"Okay," she breathed as she closed her eyes.

"Okay," he echoed as he gently placed her feet into the stirrups. He was wearing gloves now but his touch was somehow a weird combination of light and firm and she really wasn't sure why she was noticing that right now. "Cervix looks good. No dilation or effacement. I'm not seeing any blood at all." Meredith shifted slightly at the uncomfortable feeling of his fingers inside her and he smiled at her before taking off his gloves. "Worst part is over, breathe."

"I mean, what if the ultrasound…"

"Breathe, honey, let's take this one step at a time," Patty whispered to her as she squeezed her hand. "I'm right here."

"I'm going to measure your uterus now," Derek said as he gently spread a measuring tape over her belly. "Fundal height is just shy of twenty-two centimeters, which is perfect for twenty-one weeks, Meredith."

"Baby is growing nice and big," Patty smiled at her. "Good job, mama."

"Oh…" Meredith gasped, a hot tear falling down her cheek. Mama. She was a mama and her baby was growing well and her brain was starting to do that swimming thing it did every time she actually took a second to think about the baby.

"Have you felt any movement yet?" Derek asked as he stood up to bring the ultrasound closer.

"Yeah…I…butterfly wings," she answered. "It feels like fluttering wings."

"That's a good start," he smiled at her. "I'm going to spread some gel over your belly, it will be cold at first. The first thing I'm going to do is listen for your baby's heartbeat."

"To make sure it's…I mean, that it didn't…" Meredith swallowed heavily.

"Let's listen in," Derek murmured, squeezing her shoulder. "Right now, there's more amniotic fluid than baby in your uterus, which protects your baby." He turned to the machine, blocking the screen from view, which really was unnecessary because Meredith's eyes were closed and all she could focus on was Patty's dry hand in hers as Derek pressed the wand against her belly. It took a second, the longest second of all time, but then suddenly she heard the sound of the baby's heartbeat, loud and fast. "Hey there, Baby Grey," Derek's voice joined the sound and Meredith felt her shoulders shake for a second.

"That…it's okay? It's alive and it's okay and…" she sucked in a deep breath.

"A strong heartbeat at one hundred and fifty two beats a minute," Derek replied, a grin growing on his face, which only made the lines around his blue eyes crinkle. "Do you want to see?"

"See…see the baby?" She whispered as she stared at him. "I mean, when they…the baby was small and it had…I mean a head and legs and arms but it was small and…"

"Your baby has grown a bit since ten weeks, honey," Patty laughed softly. "Just take a look."

"Take a look," Meredith whispered as Derek stepped aside, closer to her but at least letting her focus on the ultrasound screen. It was a profile shot, a profile shot of the baby growing inside her, and Meredith gasped at how much bigger the baby had actually gotten. Before, it had been a blurry picture that she had really had to focus on. But now, the baby looked bigger and longer and its little feet were moving and her eyes watched as the baby lifted its little hand to its lips and then moved it back down.

"Looks like baby is blowing kisses at mama," Patty whispered and Meredith choked on a sob that rocked her entire body. She hadn't expected this, she really hadn't known what this would be like but she was staring at the little person inside her and it seemed weird that all she felt were butterfly wings when its little feet were kicking like that. "Take a deep breath, honey."

Meredith tried to follow the nurse's order but she didn't think she could. It just all felt so overwhelming and big and she didn't know how to put any of that into words. Then she felt Derek's hand on her arm and she looked up at him through her tears, her chest heaving slightly. "Take a deep breath," he murmured as he gently rubbed her skin. "Listen to my voice and take a deep breath, okay?" His voice was really calming, she couldn't deny that as she sucked in a shaky breath. "Good. You're okay. Everything is okay. Just focus on your breathing for a second and then I'll tell you about your baby."

"My…my baby," Meredith whimpered as Derek's hand closed around her wrist and he squeezed gently. His fingers were slightly callused but his touch was gentle and soothing and she found herself breathing easier as he massaged her wrist.

"Better?" He smiled at her.

"I…yeah…I…" she nodded quickly, turning to look back at the machine. It was a grainy black and white image but she could practically trace the lines of her baby's body, from its cute little round head down to its tiny little toes and she didn't know how to describe the feeling that was rushing through her right now.

"I'm going to do an anatomy scan," Derek explained softly to her, his hand still putting just the slightest bit of pressure on her wrist. "Patty said you haven't had a prenatal check up since ten weeks so I just want to do a full scan of the baby's body to make sure everything is developing on track. I'll keep talking you through every step, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered as she took another slow breath. "I don't…I can explain…"

"No one is blaming you or needing you to explain anything,' Derek shook his head as he smiled at her. "I do have a really important question for you though."

"You do?" She whispered.

"Do you want to know if you're having a boy or a girl?"

"You can tell that?" She asked as her eyes went wide.

"Well, if baby is cooperating, then yeah I can," Derek grinned. "Sometimes people want to be surprised."

"No, no," Meredith shook her head. "This…my whole life has been one big surprise the last five months and I just…no more surprises. I want to know."

"Okay, then," Derek nodded as he turned back to the screen and moved the wand a little. If Meredith was being honest with herself, she would have to admit that she really hadn't thought of the baby as being any specific gender. For the last few months, it had just been the baby and that was it. And even right now, things felt too big for her to focus on the thought of what she actually wanted. "So first, we have your baby's head. The skull and brain are perfectly developed, no abnormalities that I can see."

"That's really, really good," Meredith whispered, watching Derek's finger move along the screen. He was pointing as he talked, running his finger along the baby's tiny spine that looked like a string of pearls, circling the baby's heart and the four chambers, and then directing her attention to each organ. The baby, her baby, looked so small but so like a little person that it made her head swim. For the last five months, her body had done this. It had grown this little tiny person, this person who hadn't been wanted or expected, and now it had a brain, spine, heart, stomach, lungs…and fingers and toes. Derek counted each finger and toe for her and her vision was really starting to blur as Patty squeezed her hand.

"And now…" Derek finally smiled after he had gone over what seemed like every organ in her baby's body, "let's see here…" He moved the probe slightly, exerting just the slightest bit of pressure on her belly and the baby suddenly stretched on the screen, its little fingers going up and over its eyes. "There we go. Baby Girl Grey was trying to be shy for a second."

"Baby…baby girl?" Meredith gasped as she stared at the screen. "Baby…are you…you're sure? You're sure it's a girl?"

"I am," Derek murmured. "You're having a very healthy, nearly eleven inches and a little under thirteen ounces baby girl. Though, she'll definitely get bigger before you meet her."

"I…a girl," Meredith breathed as her brain swirled and her chest tightened. A girl. She was growing a little baby girl, a tiny little baby girl. The baby wasn't an it, she was a she and that was…a girl. She was having a baby girl. A baby girl whose father wanted nothing to do with her and whose mom had been too freaked out to actually take good care of her and no matter what she did, Meredith couldn't stop the sobs that wracked her body. A girl. She was having a baby girl.

"Oh, honey," Patty whispered next to her before pulling her into a quick hug. Meredith hung onto the nurse as she cried for the first time in she wasn't even sure how long. She was pregnant with a tiny little baby girl who needed her, who would depend on her, and she wasn't sure what she could even remotely offer the baby right now. She had done this all wrong and her daughter deserved more. Her daughter had to have more.

She felt Derek lift the probe from her belly and she shook her head desperately, her eyes wide and wet as she turned towards him. "No…no…I want…"

"It's okay," Derek assured her. "I'm printing some pictures for you."

"Is…is…she…" Meredith heaved as Patty rubbed her back.

"She's doing great," Derek murmured. "She's healthy and strong and she's going to have a lot more growing to do."

"Y-yeah?"

"Yeah," he nodded as he sat down on his stool next to her. "I guarantee you that very soon she's going to give you a nice big kick just to say hi."

"Right now…right now she's just…butterfly," she hiccuped as she wiped her eyes. Derek seemed to glance over her head and Meredith felt Patty shift away from her.

"I'm going to get you some water, honey," Patty whispered in her hair. "And maybe a cookie or two to eat. Just keep breathing, okay?"

"Okay," she confirmed as the nurse left the room. She wiped her eyes frantically and tried to calm her breathing, but the words Baby Girl Grey were all she could really process and it just made her want to cry all over again. She didn't want her daughter to ever feel even an ounce of the pain she had felt growing up, but she honestly wasn't sure if there was any way to prevent it when things were still messy. Her breath stuttered in her chest and she tried to breathe again, tried to calm her heart just as she felt a tissue being pressed into her hand.

"You're okay," Derek whispered to her, his eyes dark with concern. "You're okay."

"S-sorry, I don't usually…I'm not a crier," she insisted as she wiped her eyes.

"It's okay," he shrugged. "Hormones and babies have a tendency to do that. You're not the first person to cry in here."

"I know but…" she sucked in a deep breath.

"It's okay," he repeated as he reached behind him for an ultrasound picture and handed it to her. "Patty said you just moved here two weeks ago."

"I…yeah," she whispered as her eyes immediately went to the picture of her daughter. "From Manhattan."

"She also said you're alone," he said gently.

"Oh," she breathed as panic settled right in her chest. "I…the father…yeah, I'm…I'm alone."

"Keep breathing," he ordered, scooting closer to her so that all she could smell was a woodsy scent that had to be him. "I'm guessing Baby Girl Grey wasn't in the plans?"

"Not…not at all," she laughed harshly. "I'm a journalist. Or was. I was…I mean, I still am but I don't have an actual job or…and now she's…"

"Look at me," he ordered gently as he grabbed her hand. A shock seemed to go through them and she looked up at him just in time to see his eyes darken and his face go blank for the shortest of seconds. His hand dropped from hers but he kept eye contact as they both took a slow and steady breath together. "Good," he whispered in a voice that sounded almost strained. "Just focus on your breathing."

"I don't know what to do," she whispered as she stared into his blue eyes. "I haven't…I don't know how to do this."

"It's…it's easy to avoid when big things happen without you planning them," he stated as he ran a shaking hand through his hair. "But, Meredith, this is happening. Your baby girl is growing inside in you. She's healthy and she's strong so you've been doing something right. You're over halfway through this pregnancy and the changes are going to keep happening. There's going to be a growth spurt pretty soon, a big one, and I really don't think she's going to keep feeling like butterfly wings for much longer. Your baby girl is going to make sure you know she's coming."

"I know," she whispered as she swallowed against the feelings of guilt and shame that rushed through her.

"I don't know what happened before you came here," he shook his head. "You did your best and that's pretty obvious. But now…now you can stop avoiding, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed softly, her hand falling to the spot where her daughter was growing. "She's really okay?"

"She's perfect," the doctor smiled at her as he pointed to the picture in her hand. "That's a very healthy baby."

"Good," she whispered, staring at the tiny fingers and toes in the picture.

"Do you have any questions about what's been going on?" Derek asked as he scooted back from her and stood.

"I don't think so," she shook her head. "I…my sister was pregnant a couple of years ago and I feel like this is going a lot like hers did."

"Well, you have a couple of options here," he started as he leaned against the sink, "you can use me as your doctor for the rest of your pregnancy and I can suggest an OB in Syracuse around thirty-four weeks or I can make a call to that OB now."

"Patty said you take care of most women in town with uncomplicated pregnancies," she nodded as she sat up more, scooting forward to the end of the exam table.

"I do," he nodded as his hand moved through his hair again. "I even deliver a few of them when they decide to do a home birth or forget that Syracuse is an hour away.'

"So my pregnancy is uncomplicated?" She asked.

"For now," he assured her. "I'm going to send your blood and urine to a lab in Syracuse and once we get the all clear there, we'll just keep an eye on you."

"I…okay," she took a deep breath. "I want to stay here in Oakbrook Falls."

"We can make that the plan," he murmured, picking up her chart and making a note. "For now, I want to get back to the fall. Does anything else hurt?"

"Oh," Meredith blinked as the pain in her ankle and wrist suddenly registered in her mind again. "My wrist and ankle. I think I landed on my wrist."

"Let's take a look," he nodded as he stepped forward again and picked up her offered right hand. The shock thing happened again and Derek's fingers seemed to pause against her skin, his head cocking to the side as he froze. It lasted a second but Meredith couldn't help but wonder if he was feeling it too, or if she was just experiencing a weird hormonal surge around the first man she had been attracted to in months. "I think this is just sprained," he murmured as Patty walked in with a bottle of water and some cookies.

"Okay," she whispered just as the sound of an alarm filled the room and Derek froze for a second, his eyes flying to his watch.

"Your lunch is in your office for when you're done here, Derek," Patty told him, her voice light as she unscrewed the lid of the water and turned to Meredith. "Take slow sips of this, honey. Let me know how they sit and then you can have these chocolate chip cookies."

"Lunch, okay," Derek murmured under his breath and then leaned down to lift Meredith's ankle. He turned it in a couple of directions and she winced at the feeling before deciding to focus on his dark hair. It really was amazing and messy in a way that looked purposeful. She had no idea what he was doing here in this tiny town, but she wasn't going to question it right now. "Twisted," he concluded as he looked at Patty. "We'll wrap both for six weeks and then it's just all about RICE."

"RICE?" Meredith asked.

"Rest, ice, compress, and elevate," Patty answered as she turned to grab a couple of ACE bandages out of the cabinet. "You'll be slowed down for a couple of weeks and I wouldn't recommend any hikes to go up to the falls, but you'll be good as new soon."

"Oh," Meredith sighed heavily. "I've really enjoyed hiking up to the falls."

"It's an incredible hike," Derek smiled gently. "I go every Saturday."

"The guy who owns the coffee shop…I…Chris?" Meredith glanced at him for confirmation before he nodded. "He told me about Watkins's Trail. It was actually…that's where she first moved."

"Hmmm…" Derek smiled. "Chris loves it up there. He proposed to his wife there."

"Really?"

"Yeah,' Derek nodded as he wrapped her wrist in the ACE bandage. "He tells everyone to go there, he swear it's magical."

"Do you go there?" She asked.

"Sometimes," he replied. "I'm not sure about magic but…it's beautiful."

"Yeah, it is," she agreed, wincing slightly as he moved back to her ankle. "You're the Doc."

"Sorry?" He looked up at her, his brow furrowed.

"The doc. Doc's table. He never lets me sit there but I've never seen you and I was starting…but you're the doc."

"Oh," Derek laughed softly, shaking his head. "It's the best table."

"I figured it had to be," she grinned, wiggling her toes against his palm. "I thought maybe it was magical or something."

"Not magical," he shook his head as his cheeks turned pink. "I just…that's where I sit."

"Okay,' she whispered as he smoothed his hand over her bandaged ankle and then stood slowly.

"You're all set," he told her as he turned to grab a pad of paper off the counter top. "This is my personal number. If you start feeling any contractions or start bleeding or notice the baby isn't moving, then call me at any time. That goes for any blurred vision or headaches or vomiting, too."

"Any time?" She frowned as she took the piece of paper from him.

"Benefits of a small town," he smiled at her. "The doctor makes house calls."

"Oh," she whispered, her free hand creeping over her stomach. "Should I…I mean, she was okay."

"It's a precaution, Meredith," he assured her softly as he reached out to squeeze the hand that was resting over her baby. "You're both doing great. And we're going to keep it that way. Just…no more hanging up shower caddies. And definitely no ladders or step stools."

"Okay," she agreed softly as her fingers suddenly became laced with his. It was only a second, probably not even a whole second, but Derek's eyes met hers and she could swear he looked so confused that it almost broke her heart.

"It was nice meeting you," Derek murmured as he pulled his hand back. "And Baby Girl Grey."

"You, too," she whispered. "Thank you."

"Hmmm…" he smiled before turning to walk out of the room, his hand flexing slightly by his side. Meredith took another deep breath and looked down at her own hand against her belly. It was shaking slightly and she honestly wasn't sure if it was from the adrenaline of her afternoon or from the way Derek's skin seemed to just make her shake.

"Okay, honey," Patty smiled widely, "I'm going to need a urine sample and we're going to take some blood. You can get dressed first, I know those gowns aren't comfortable."

"Oh, okay," Meredith nodded as she eased off the table.

"I'll be just outside, take your time," the nurse murmured and Meredith nodded again before turning to her clothes that were folded on the chair. She put the ultrasound picture down on top of them and then let the paper gown drop to the floor before pausing. She was standing naked in the exam room now and for the first time in months, she really let herself look down at her changing body. Her boobs were bigger, her hips were rounder, but she just wanted to examine her belly for a second. It didn't even seem that big. It was going to get bigger, but somehow, inside of that curve, was a tiny little girl who moved and kicked and had ten fingers and ten toes.

She brushed her fingernails over the curve before cupping the bottom of the swell, her thumb lightly resting against the stretched skin. Her daughter. Her daughter was inside her right now. She was going to be a mama in a few months and her little girl was growing and moving. "Hey, baby girl," she whispered as her other hand moved to the top of the curve. "It's me. I'm…well, I'm your mom. And I know I haven't done…I don't know if you've heard me or noticed but…I'm going to do better. I'm going to do better and you just have to keep doing your thing, okay? You just have to grow and kick and just…do whatever fetuses do. Not that…I mean, fetuses sounds technical but you get what I mean. Just keep doing whatever you need to do and I'll figure everything out on this end. I swear I will." She meant it, too. No matter what, Meredith had to do better for her tiny little girl with ten fingers and ten toes. And probably the first step of that was not thinking about the town doctor in sexy terms. It was time for her to turn over a new leaf and start thinking of her future with her tiny baby girl.

_Gimme something that'll haunt me when you're not around_

_'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile_


	7. The Necessity of Atonement

**Chapter 7- The Necessity of Atonement**

If there was anything about his life in Oakbrook Falls that really concerned Derek's family, it was the fact he hadn't really touched a woman in twenty years. He was a doctor so of course he had touched his patients, but it had always been in the clinical sense. He hadn't dated and he hadn't had sex and really hadn't felt the desire to do either since that night. His sister had told him a hundred times that choosing to become celibate at twenty-five wasn't a healthy response to grief or trauma, but Derek had always figured it was part of his punishment. Two years after that night, his mom had brought a priest to see him, a priest who had talked to him about atonement and forgiveness, and while Derek pretty much thought the whole God thing was bullshit, his exhausted brain had latched onto that. And so, for twenty years, he hadn't even thought about another woman in terms of being beautiful or sexy.

There were patients who flirted with him, but they were harmless. Pamela Covington came to his office at least twice a week to flirt and a couple of the moms who had recently moved to town couldn't seem to help it. But all of it was harmless and he didn't really pay attention to it. Sophie and Emily claimed that he wasn't that bad looking, which probably translated from sister speak into handsome or something, and Mark had begrudgingly admitted he had grown into his looks. But none of that really mattered when it came to his own forced celibacy. He was sure any therapist would have a field day with it, it would probably be some sign that he wasn't doing better, but he had never really cared. It just wasn't part of his life or his routine. At least, it hadn't been until he had shaken Meredith Grey's hand.

The world had shifted on its axis. It was probably a little crazy to think that, but so far, it was the only way Derek could think of to describe what had happened when he had met his newest patient. When Patty had grabbed him out of the end of an appointment with nine year old Alex, who had stuffed a marble up his nose after a fight with his mom, all she had told him was that they had a thirty-eight year old pregnant woman who was alone and had fallen in the shower. His advice had been to support her as much as possible, in case the news was bad. He hadn't known what to expect, but he had had to quickly prepare himself to tell someone the worst news imaginable. Instead, his entire world had done a weird flip when he walked in and saw her for the first time.

She was small, with wavy blonde hair and golden green eyes that had been filled with tears when he had first smiled at her. His first urge was to comfort her, but then he had touched her hand and he had felt everything shift, he really had. He probably would have dismissed it as static electricity, except it had kept happening. Every single time he had touched her wrist to try to get her to calm down, the shock had rocked every inch of him. She had been so scared, even after he had heard the comforting sound of the baby girl's heartbeat, and all he had wanted was to make her feel better, to see her smile.

He wanted it to be that he was a big brother and hated the idea of her being upset. She was pregnant and alone in a new town and had clearly struggled to accept what was happening to her. So he wanted to believe there was some brotherly protective instinct that was taking over him. But then she had started talking about hiking and it had taken everything in him not to ask her to go with him once her ankle was healed. It was insane and he didn't know that voice inside him. No one went hiking with him on Saturdays and he liked the quiet. He liked how quiet and orderly his life was and now it felt upside down. He didn't have a back up plan for this because he had never needed it. Never once had he looked at a woman and thought she was pretty or that her eyes looked golden. He hadn't spent any time in the past staring at his hand and wondering why it was still tingling even hours after he had squeezed her hand. He didn't want this feeling. He couldn't have this feeling. He didn't know how long it would take to atone for what he had done, but he figured it was several lifetimes. He didn't want to do this and it didn't make sense.

She was his patient, his pregnant patient. That alone meant he couldn't be feeling this way, outside of everything else. There were rules about doctors and patients and even beyond that...she was pregnant. She had a tiny rounded stomach and he was pretty sure her soft curves were from her changing body. Not that he had noticed the soft curves, but the paper gowns really didn't leave much to the imagination. In a few months, she would have a newborn and that was probably what she was most concerned about. It was what he needed to be concerned about, too. He was her doctor and the world turning on its axis was not part of his routine.

It was actually making him feel a little breathless and his chest feel a bit tight as he signed off on a couple of charts. It was ten minutes to seven, when he usually closed the office and headed home. He had to do that today, had to leave at seven, warm up dinner, and maybe get some reading done. He had wanted to follow up on some things from the symposium anyway so tonight sounded like a good night to do that. Just because the world had done some strange turning thing didn't mean he needed to change anything about his life. He was Dr. Derek Shepherd, the town doctor and he had responsibilities and routines. Those things meant everything to him and how well he was doing here in Oakbrook Falls. A petite blonde pregnant woman wasn't going to change any of that.

"Derek?" Patty knocked on his door before sticking her head in.

"Hey, Patty," he smiled at his nurse.

"All paperwork is wrapped up and all labs were sent to Syracuse," Patty stated. "I forwarded you the results we got back, too."

"Great, thanks," he nodded as he turned to his laptop. "Anything else from today?"

"I put in a supply order. Feel free to sign it after the fact," Patty laughed. "Other than that, I think it was a pretty successful day."

"So do I," he agreed. "Remind me tomorrow to call Tony to walk him through his burn treatment. I'll probably stop by, too."

"He'll love that," Patty shook her head.

"Hmmm..." Derek breathed, staring at the pile of charts on the edge of his desk. "I...the pregnant patient...Grey? Has she called with any concerns?"

"No," Patty frowned slightly. "Everything looked good when that poor girl left though. She limped herself home to rest, I think."

"That's good," Derek nodded. He had seen her limping out of the office after her blood work, munching on a couple of cookies as her wounded hand rested on her stomach. He had just pretended to not see her because the second he had, his world had felt both bigger and smaller all at once. "I might call to check on her."

"You're still worried about the fall?" Patty asked. "Or more worried that the poor thing was obviously trying to hide her pregnancy and hadn't come to terms with it?"

"Don't be judgmental, Patty," he frowned at his nurse.

"I'm never judgmental and you know it, Derek Shepherd," she denied. "I found it sad."

"So did I," he admitted as he flexed his tingling hand. "I talked to her after and I think...anyway, I'm going to call her and check on her before I close up."

"It never hurts," Patty smiled at him. "Do you mind if I head out?"

"Of course not," he sighed, shaking his head. "Go home and I'll see you in the morning."

"See you in the morning, Derek," Patty returned before she walked out of his office. Derek took a deep breath and stared at his phone. He did do follow ups occasionally, though usually not the day of unless something life changing had happened. And for Meredith...well, she had found out she was having a healthy baby girl and that had seemed pretty life changing. She might just need someone to talk to now that things had settled and he did want to make sure there weren't any consequences from the fall. He sighed and opened her chart before reaching for his phone.

"Hello?" Her soft voice answered and Derek did his best to ignore the way his chest seemed to almost immediately relax.

"Meredith, hi," he said, "it's Derek Shepherd. I just wanted to call to check in before I went home for the evening."

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd," she giggled. "Is this another perk of a small town doctor?"

"Derek," he corrected. "And yes, it is."

"Derek," she echoed.

"Yeah," he ran his hand through his hair. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay," she answered. "Ankle is elevated and there's ice on my wrist."

"Excellent first steps," he smiled. "And Baby Girl Grey?"

"She's good, too," Meredith laughed. "She's fluttering around. And wants mac and cheese."

"No contractions or bleeding?"

"None," she confirmed.

"Good," he murmured as he stared at her file, of the ultrasound photo that was paper clipped to her paper work. "And how are you feeling? I know today was a lot."

"Are you the town shrink, too?"

"I listen a lot," he shrugged. "You don't have to talk if it makes you uncomfortable."

"No," she denied as she took a deep breath. "I mean, it's been a lot lately and I guess...I really don't know how to explain this."

"You weren't ready for her to be real yet?"

"I guess not," she sighed. "And I've been through the morning sickness and the heartburn and the peeing and the weird pain in my side-"

"Round ligament pain," Derek offered. "It's the ligaments stretching to accommodate your uterus as it grows."

"Oh," she breathed. "Right. Round ligament pain."

"You'll keep feeling them as she gets bigger," he smiled into the phone.

"I just..." Meredith paused for a second. "I was climbing Watkins's Trail the first day I was here and she fluttered. And I thought...well, she seemed like she was going to get real. And then today happened."

"Now she feels real?" He asked softly.

"Now I think I might actually love her," she whispered, her voice sounding a little choked. "I...sorry. I don't want you thinking I'm always crying because I'm really not someone who does."

"Scientifically, it's your hormones if that makes you feel any better," he offered.

"It does actually," she giggled and he shifted in his office chair at the shiver ran up and down his body. "I've actually been looking at baby stuff while I chill out on my couch. I haven't done that yet."

"Well, no painting or ladders," he reminded her.

"I promise," she agreed.

"Good," he breathed as he stared at his computer. He had called to check on her and he had. Now would actually be the time to tell her to have a good night and hang up.

"Can I ask a question?" Meredith asked.

"A medical question?"

"I...no," she admitted. "I was just...I'm a journalist."

"You said that," he nodded as he sat back in his office chair.

"Right, well I'm a journalist and I'm not currently really being a journalist but I'm naturally...my dad says I'm inquisitive," she said quickly. "The point is...are you from Oakbrook Falls?"

"Oh," he whispered and then cleared his throat. "No, I'm originally from Long Island."

"I thought I heard an accent," she laughed victoriously.

"I think it's mostly faded at this point," he shrugged. "My parents still live on Long Island and i just visited them a couple weeks ago. Maybe my trip refreshed it."

"I looked you up on the Oakbrook Falls website," she admitted. "It didn't say where you were from but it said you got your neuroscience degree at Bowdoin in Maine and your medical degree at Columbia. I wasn't stalking you. I just…Patty said you do everything and I was curious."

"Oh," he breathed. He hadn't even known there was an Oakbrook Falls website or that he was on it. In the long run, it probably didn't even matter. No one in town knew what had happened twenty years ago and he really didn't think anyone had cared until now. "I um…yeah…I came to Oakbrook Falls on a fishing trip and…the old doctor was a guy named Dave Shetland. He was an amazing doctor and he kind of got me with the idea of helping a whole town instead of selling my soul to a huge hospital." It was the story he had told for eighteen years now and he wasn't going to change it now. It was easier and he could actually say it.

"Is that what Oakbrook Falls does?" Meredith asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You come here and suddenly you can't leave," she pointed out. "I didn't…it never occurred to me to move upstate. I didn't want to go home yet but…and then I came here and hiked and had this crazy idea to move here."

"Maybe," he sighed, glancing at the picture of his family on his desk. "It's still simple here. It's simple and quiet and I think a lot of people still crave that."

"That makes sense," she murmured. "I needed simple for once."

"See? My theory was right," he nodded.

"I wasn't arguing it," she giggled.

"Good," he nodded firmly, a weird warm feeling moving over him at the sound of her giggle. He didn't know what he was doing right now. This wasn't checking in with a patient. This was a phone conversation and he was enjoying it a lot. It was completely out of his routine and he really didn't know what to do about it.

"Is it weird to do everything?" Meredith asked. "I mean, is it weird to go from examining a pregnant woman to helping a kid to diagnosing someone's cancer?"

"Are you interviewing me for a piece, journalist Grey?" Derek raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know, maybe," she admitted as she laughed. "I'm trying to figure out what how to be an unemployed journalist. Maybe an article on the popular small town doctor would sell."

"I don't think anyone will be interested in my day," he shook his head. "And it's not weird. It's challenging, but in the best of ways. I love what I do."

"Apparently since you call patients at seven o'clock at night and let them talk to you because they're sad and lonely and injured on the couch," she pointed out.

"I called to check up on you," Derek pointed out. "You fell today, you're twenty-one weeks pregnant, and you were pretty shocked by the ultrasound. My job is to make sure you're okay."

"I really am doing okay," she promised. "Pink for girls is super cliched, right? I should go for something more original."

"I…yeah, probably," he agreed as he checked his watch and then quickly sat up. It was ten past seven and he needed to be home. He closed the office at seven, walked home, and usually had dinner in the microwave by now. Any difference in the routine was usually bad and he had just shifted it so he could talk to his patient.

"I think so, too," Meredith was saying.

"I…you said you were craving macaroni and cheese," he said quickly as he stood and started gathering his things. "Are you making it?"

"I should actually check to make sure the water isn't boiling yet," Meredith said. "Are you going to yell at me if I walk to the kitchen?"

"You're not on bed rest, Meredith," he laughed slightly. "You just need to rest your ankle as much as possible."

"Okay, well, I'm going to limp to the kitchen then," she giggled.

"Good," he breathed. "I um…I'm actually going to close up the office."

"Oh god…I'm sorry,' Meredith said quickly. "You called to check on me and I turned it into a thing."

"You didn't, Meredith," he murmured. "You can call me whenever. Loneliness is included for a lot of my patients."

"Today was just a lot but you have your own life," she sighed.

"I don't…or…I do," Derek corrected himself as he ran his fingers through his hair. "But the offer still stands…call me if you need anything. And I'll let you know what your lab work says."

"Thanks, Derek," she murmured. "Have a good night."

"You, too, Meredith," Derek sighed before hanging up his phone and turning off his light. He had no idea what had just happened or why it had happened or how he had let it happen. He was calling to check on her and had ended up having a conversation with her that had felt…it had felt different. He wasn't even sure if he still had the word for what the conversation had felt like. But nothing had warned him that he was crossing any lines or ruining his routine. For the last eighteen years, he had started to depend on that voice that made his heart race and his breath come in short gasps. That voice knew when he was doing something that could ruin things and he didn't understand where it had gone tonight.

Talking to Meredith had been fun, even if he was a little worried that she was digging. She was a journalist and she was curious and he got that but he liked that no one in town knew about that night. He liked that no one cared to look up what had happened in 1999, when he had been young and so sure of what the new millennium would look like for him. Dr. Shetland had never looked it up, and Derek didn't think anyone else had either. He was just the small town doctor who had stumbled into Oakbrook Falls in April of 2001 and never left.

But he couldn't worry about something so stupid, especially when she hadn't said anything about how he had ended up here. The point was, he liked talking to her. She was funny and curious and she had a giggle that wasn't annoying but actually…well, he wasn't sure what word would describe her giggle. Honestly, there were a lot of words he thought he might be missing now, or maybe words he just couldn't use again. None of this was making much sense to him right now and it was making his head spin. The warm, comfortable feeling he had had when he was speaking to her was starting to go away and that voice was starting to scream at him as he walked down the street towards his house.

There was so much going on here that wasn't good. She was his patient, she was pregnant with someone else's kid, but more than any of that, he could not do this. He could not try to remember words he had used to describe someone else, he could not laugh on the phone with Meredith, and he could not feel comfortable or warm or safe with someone else. He had worked really hard to get better. He had found Oakbrook Falls, he had gotten a job he loved, and he had taken the therapist's advice to find a routine that made him feel safe. There were times, like when he was back home, that things didn't look as good as they did here. But he was doing better. He just…he had certain rules and he couldn't break them.

Meredith was…he didn't have words for it. But the word beautiful kept popping up, maybe even the word enchanting. But twenty years ago, he had made a promise to himself that this was just…it wasn't going to be a part of his life again. It actually couldn't be a part of his life. He had a lot to make up for and he didn't think laughing with his pregnant patient was good enough. That Derek Shepherd had existed twenty years ago, and as he walked into his house and his brain started telling him what each step needed to be for getting his night going, he fought the urge to open his desk drawer. He had already realized he couldn't do this, he didn't need any other kind of reminder. Even if his hand was tingling and he didn't think he could get Meredith's giggle out of his head, he didn't need a picture to remind him of what his atonement needed to look like.

_Give me the burden, give me the blame_

_I'll shoulder the load, and I'll swallow the shame_

_Give me the burden, give me the blame_

_How many, how many Hail Marys is it gonna take?_


	8. Building the New

**Chapter 8- Building the New**

After a week and a half of trying to stay off her ankle, Meredith was getting annoyed. She knew she wasn't on bed rest, and she knew she could do some limping around, but she really was missing her hikes to explore the waterfalls that her new town was known for. Before, the hikes had been soothing and helped her to focus her crazy brain. But now that she wasn't hiking, she had plenty of time to think and order things on the internet. She had ordered some maternity clothes, which had seemed most important, and was even starting to look really closely at what she would need for her little girl. Being trapped in bed or on the couch was leading to an Amazon addiction, which wasn't great considering her current employment status, and really, she was just bored.

But she did want to be careful as she got further into her pregnancy. According to the app she had downloaded, she was now officially twenty-three weeks pregnant and her daughter was the size of a coconut and she really didn't want to take the chance of hiking on a twisted ankle and then falling again. She had gotten lucky on the first fall and she didn't want to risk anything. Her little daughter was growing and healthy, and that was all that really mattered to her any more. Well, not all that really mattered but it seemed to be the thing that got all of her attention anymore. Baby Girl Grey wasn't so much as fluttering anymore, but she wasn't really kicking yet either. She was moving around, gentle little movements that made Meredith smile a lot, and she just wanted to know that her little girl was going to be okay. So she just had to put up with the boredom for a little bit longer.

She hadn't moved from bed yet, if only because it was a little chilly and she had had to sleep in a pair of exercise shorts the night before because her leggings were all in the wash. She needed to get up and get her day started, especially because today was the day she was going to tell Lexie, Hillary, and her parents about Baby Girl Grey. She really couldn't wait for them to see the ultrasound picture, but first she needed something to eat and her one cup of coffee she allowed herself every day. Usually, she walked down to the coffee shop and sat with the people of Oakbrook Falls, but with the whole leggings in the wash situation, she was pretty sure she was going to have to just make coffee here and just…make some toast or something.

It could just be another quiet morning at home, bored out of her mind while resting her ankle. She stretched in bed and moved her hand to her belly just as she felt the lazy movements of her daughter. Her t-shirt had rolled up sometime in the middle of the night and as she ran her fingers over the tightening skin, she suddenly realized that the curve that had been so tiny over the last few weeks was suddenly…not. She had been having the round ligament pains that Derek had told her about for a couple of days, but now the reason why was more than obvious. She sat up quickly and threw her blanket off before smiling down at her stomach.

It wasn't small or slight at all. It was this pronounced bump or whatever people called it and she couldn't help but grin as she splayed her fingers over the skin. "Look at you," she breathed softly. She knew it wasn't all baby, that it was actually her uterus growing, but she couldn't help but imagine her little baby girl working so hard to get bigger. "Good morning, baby girl." The baby stretched again inside her and Meredith shook her head slightly, feeling her smile grow. She was really showing. She was pretty sure that if she put on her clothes, people would actually know that she was pregnant. She hadn't actually experienced that yet but it seemed liked something that was really good. Her daughter was growing and was ready to show off to the world and that couldn't be anything but amazing, especially after the whole fall in the shower thing.

She reached for her laptop and immediately turned it on, one hand still resting on her stomach. Her little girl was definitely awake and Meredith was actually kind of craving some French toast, which meant she needed to look up how to actually make French toast. But first, she really wanted to show Hillary and Lexie how Baby Girl Grey was doing. And maybe try to figure out a name because Baby Girl Grey was kind of a mouthful and it would be nice to have a name for her. She opened FaceTime on her laptop and then leaned forward just as both Lexie and Hillary answered. "Hey, guys," she greeted.

"Meredith!" Hillary gasped.

"Hey, Hills," Meredith giggled softly. "I think this is a miracle."

"What's a miracle?" Lexie asked as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She was in her scrubs, obviously in an on call room, and Meredith paused for a moment.

"Am I interrupting sex?" She frowned.

"I…no, no!" Lexie gasped as her eyes went wide. "I mean…no, of course not. I just…we just…he got paged away but there was…I mean, there was sex but we finished and he went to operate and…no!"

"Oh my god, we're definitely on the phone with post-orgasm Lexie," Hillary laughed.

"I'm just happy I have good timing," Meredith grinned.

"I had to stay overnight with a patient and he was just…" Lexie shook her head quickly. "What's a miracle, Mer?"

"That I was able to get both of you at once," Meredith shrugged.

"Okay, I'm a mom to a busy three year old whose whole life revolves around pre-k and Paw Patrol," Hillary shrugged as she grinned widely. "Which he's currently watching with his daddy and it's so cute. I swear they sit the exact same."

"How is pre-k going?"

"He loves it," her best friend stated. "Our entire fridge and Kev's office is just…covered in drawings. I think he's getting pretty good at it."

"That's great, Hills."

"I'm a busy surgeon," Lexie pointed out. "Saving lives. Cutting into brains. Busy busy surgeon."

"She's been getting laid," Hillary laughed. "Every day. Constantly."

"Oh my god, Hills," Lexie blushed.

"It is not my fault that you texted me that information when you were drunk the other night," Hillary shook her head. "I know almost as much about your boyfriend's dick and techniques as I do about my husband's. You're very chatty when you're drunk."

"It's not my fault Mark is a god with his tongue!" Lexie gasped, her eyes wide and her cheeks pink. "And he does this thing with his fingers…I…sorry, Mer."

"No, Lexie, it's okay," Meredith insisted as she fidgeted with the ultrasound picture in her hands. A few months ago, Lexie would have been texting her about all of her sexcapades with her boyfriend, but apparently her sister had decided not to tell her things anymore and it was more than a little hurtful. "I'm still your sister."

"My pregnant unemployed sister who ran off to the middle of nowhere to avoid the fact that she's pregnant and unemployed instead of letting me help her," Lexie said bluntly and then her eyes widened. "I…oh god, Mer, I didn't…I mean, I did but I didn't…that came out really wrong and I'm really, really sorry because I shouldn't have said that. I'm tired and I haven't had coffee and I just…I'm really, really sorry."

"Lex, you're right," Meredith murmured, resting her hand over her belly. "I did run off because it's scary and big and I just…being in the city was really hard and I wasn't ready to face things and I just…I feel really good here."

"I get that and obviously I want you to be happy but you still have to face things and you need people," Lexie pointed out.

"I…can I tell you guys why I called?" Meredith smiled at her friends as she heard Ryder and Kevin laugh and Hillary's grin widened.

"What's up, Mer?" Her best friend asked.

"I…I wanted to introduce you guys to Baby Girl Grey," she grinned before holding up the ultrasound picture in front of her face. For a second, there was silence and then suddenly she heard a lot of gasping and squealing. She grinned widely and lowered the picture slightly to see her best friend and sister laughing happily.

"It's a girl?" Hillary gasped.

"She's a girl," Meredith confirmed, glancing at the profile of her baby daughter.

"Oh my god, Mer!" Lexie. gasped, clapping her hands. "She's beautiful! And so cute. I love her little nose. And I am so happy she's a girl. I mean, I would have loved a nephew but…"

"No, I get what you're saying," she shook her head. "I'm glad I'm having a girl, too. It would have been too weird…but she's a girl and I think she's pretty cute."

"She's adorable," Hillary murmured. "Hold the picture closer again."

"Okay," she giggled, holding up the picture again. "The nurse said she was blowing kisses and I realize she does't actually know what that is so she can't do it but…she was super cute and moving a lot.'

"God, she's precious, Mer," Hillary breathed. "I can't believe she's already so big and so…god, she's so cute."

"She's going to look like you," Lexie insisted as she leaned closer to her phone. "Look at her little feet! My niece has really cute feet."

"She does have really cute feet,' Meredith agreed, rubbing her stomach slowly as she felt her daughter move.

"I'm so glad you finally went," Hillary sighed. "I thought your appointment was later this week?"

"I…it was," Meredith agreed before holding up the picture again. "Just remember that she's doing really well and she's a she and she's moving right now."

"Okay…" Lexie frowned.

"I fell in the shower last week ago," Meredith said quickly.

"Wait…you what?" Hillary gasped.

"I fell in the shower but I'm okay and she's okay."

"You fell, Mer!" Lexie shook her head. "How did you even fall? Did you hit your head? Have you felt any contractions? Because I get that she was doing okay a couple days ago but sometimes it takes some time for these things to pop up."

"She's moving right now, Lex," she insisted, shaking her head. "And it's a long story and I just…I sprained my wrist and twisted my ankle but I'm doing fine."

"How is falling in the shower a long story?" Hillary asked.

"I…I was trying to put up a shower caddy and I climbed on the edge of the tub…"

"Meredith!" Lexie gasped.

"You do not have to lecture me about the dangers of me climbing on things," she sighed heavily. "The doctor already did and I'm not going to do it again. Now I just have to stay off my ankle for a few weeks."

"Well, I'm glad he lectured you but, seriously, my niece is going to get bigger and you're not going to be able to see your feet and she's going to make your center of gravity all off and you really need to be careful."

"Lex, do not make me pull out my last resort of showing you my belly," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Okay, to you that sounds like a threat but I'm dying to see you with an actual bump," Hillary cut in.

"Me, too, actually," Lexie grinned, her concern apparently forgotten. "Are you showing showing or still kind of showing?"

"No, I'm definitely showing showing," she rolled her eyes before adjusting against her pillows until her belly came into view. She really did look big, at least compared to how she had looked in the last few weeks and judging by the squeals from her sister and best friend, they were noticing it too.

"You look amazing," Hillary squealed. "Seriously. You look completely amazing."

"Look how big she's getting!" Lexie grinned. "Oh my god, Mer, can I please buy her presents? I have been trying so hard not to buy her presents but now you seem all…excited so I think I should be able to buy her presents."

"What are you going to buy her?" Meredith asked as she rested her hand on her stomach.

"I don't know. Cute clothes or some toys or…maybe a towel with a hood that makes her look like an animal," Lexie nodded eagerly. "Would you say she's more of a bunny, a puppy, a unicorn, or a lion?"

"I…I don't know," she shook her head. "I don't really…I mean, maybe I'll know once she's born?"

"I'll think about this," Lexie nodded eagerly. "You're going to have to come home at some point to do apartment hunting so we can decorate her nursery, Mer."

"I…that's…we'll talk about that later, Lex," Meredith breathed just as Lexie's pager went off and her sister groaned. "You have to go."

"I have to go," Lexie agreed as she shrugged on her lab coat. "I'm going to call you later so we can talk about my niece and her nursery and all the fun things I'm going to buy her."

"And your boyfriend who is apparently giving you amazing sex?" Meredith raised an eyebrow at her little sister.

"Well, yeah, him too," Lexie blushed. "Tell my niece I love her and I can't wait to see her grow more."

"I will, Lex," Meredith giggled softly.

"And I love you too and please be careful," Lexie stated. "Bye, Hills."

"Bye, Lex, I'll talk to you later," Hillary laughed before Lexie ended the call. Hillary sipped at a cup of coffee and Meredith rubbed her stomach soothingly as her daughter did her gentle little flips or whatever was happening inside her. "You want to stay."

"What?" She gasped.

"You want to stay," Hillary stated as she shrugged. "I saw it in your eyes for a second. You have no intention of coming home before she's born."

"I don't know what I'm doing yet," Meredith denied. "I just…things feel good here so far. I like it here a lot and the doctor does have a plan."

"What kind of plan?"

"Since my pregnancy is uncomplicated so far, he'll keep an eye on it until the last month and then I'll go to a doctor in Syracuse," Meredith reported. "He isn't an OB but he's…I mean, he's really good and I liked him a lot."

"I get that, Mer," Hillary said carefully, "but I just want to be sure you weigh all your options. I mean, Syracuse is an hour away and you're alone. And you're due in winter. And pregnancy is unpredictable sometimes."

"I know it is," she murmured, looking down at her stomach. "I'm still thinking about everything. I'm just surprised by how much I love it here."

"So am I," her best friend agreed. "You did not strike me as a small town girl at all."

"Apparently waterfalls and hiking helps," Meredith giggled softly. "I…can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Mer, always," Hillary assured her.

"You've been pregnant," she stated and then shook her head. "I mean, obviously you've been pregnant. You have Ryder and…the point is…you've been pregnant. During your second trimester were you ever…I mean, did hormones make you…"

"Angry? Sad? Happy? All of the above in a fifteen second span?" Hillary laughed.

"Horny," Meredith admitted.

"Oh…" Hillary laughed as she nodded. "Oh yeah. Is your vibrator getting a work out?"

"Not yet," Meredith felt herself blush. "But I…I mean, there's…I might want to fuck the town doctor and I'm honestly trying to figure out if it's a hormone thing or just…an actual thing?"

"Wait, you want to fuck the town doctor?" Hillary gasped as her eyes widened. "Isn't he like…eighty?"

"Okay, I'm glad you had that thought, too, because I definitely did," Meredith agreed, shifting slightly as she felt her daughter wiggle. "But he's not. He's…I don't know…early forties? And gorgeous. Like…dark, messy, curly hair and five o'clock shadow and…his eyes, Hills. He has these amazing blue eyes that do this sparkly thing…"

"Sparkly thing?" Hillary raised an eyebrow.

"I can't describe it besides sparkly thing," she shook her head. "And listen, I was sitting there and I was worried about the baby but also imagining having sex with him which is really fucked up."

"I mean, hormones definitely make you horny during the second trimester," Hillary advised. "Kevin's tongue was exhausted by my twenty-sixth week. Which I realize is too much information but well…"

"So it might just be hormones?"

"It might be," her friend shrugged. "Or you have a thing for the town doctor."

"Yes, at five months pregnant, I have a chance with the sexy town doctor," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I just actually started showing and I'm sure that's what he's always wanted. A pregnant chick."

"Mer, you never know," Hillary pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure no one signs on for a pregnancy if they don't have to," she shrugged. "Or a newborn baby screaming all night."

"Please tell me you're not writing your whole life off just because you got pregnant," her best friend groaned before sipping at her coffee. "You're an amazing woman and a badass and your daughter is going to be a badass. And any guy with half a brain would be lucky to have you both in his life."

"I appreciate the moving speech, Hills, I do," Meredith murmured. "I just…listen, right now I just need to focus on her and figuring out what my steps are going to be when she's here. I just wanted to know if wanting to sex my doctor was problematic."

"I think it's problematic in that you're going to talk yourself out of trying to get what you want because I think you're going to keep punishing yourself for something you couldn't have predicted," Hillary shrugged. "And for being used by a complete and total douchebag."

"I'm not punishing myself," Meredith groaned. "Isn't this some mom thing?"

"I always promised not to be the mom who gave up a part of who I am to be a mommy," Hillary murmured as she turned to look towards her living room. "I love Ryder more than anything in the world and he is easily the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. But I love Kevin and I love that we can still be us even after a long day of having a busy kid."

"I…I hear what you're saying but this is…it's different," Meredith sighed. "And seriously…he's the town doctor. I swear the whole town worships the ground he walks on. Women were literally sitting in the waiting room to flirt with him and at the local coffee shop, he has his own table that no one else is allowed to sit at."

"Leave it to you to get horny for the town's celebrity doctor," Hillary laughed and then paused. "I am being called."

"You're going to watch the dog show, aren't you?" Meredith giggled softly.

"Paw Patrol and this is your future so no laughing," Hillary threatened. "She really is beautiful, Mer."

"I think so, too," she smiled widely. "Call me later. I have to rest this ankle and it's getting really boring."

"Just stop climbing up on the edge of tubs," Hillary rolled her eyes before the call ended and Meredith sat back against her pillows and wrapped her arm over her belly. If she was being honest, she did miss the crazy support of her best friend and her sister. She loved Oakbrook Falls and she really wasn't sure she'd ever want to leave, but she did miss being able to meet them for a cup of coffee or have Lexie come over and watch Property Brothers with her. But she was happy here, even if she was five months pregnant and horny for her doctor. Pregnancy was just weird.

She had to stop thinking about the whole Derek thing. He was her doctor and she had bigger things to worry about then the town doctor with the sparkly eyes who made her feel all calm. Even when he had called a couple of days earlier, she had immediately felt like she could breathe or something. It was just crazy to be thinking about that, especially when her hormones were clearly running the show right now and she was pregnant with a wiggly daughter who didn't need the complications of dating in a small town, but probably needed some breakfast. Meredith swung her legs over the side of the bed and then paused when she felt it, an insistent and powerful nudge that pushed against her belly. She looked down, her eyes wide, and she rested her fingers against the spot as it happened again, her skin rippling slightly. "Wow, baby girl," she grinned widely, pressing her fingers against her daughter's kick. "Good morning to you, too. You must have done a bunch of growing."

This was where her focus had to be. No matter how pretty Derek's eyes were and no matter how calm he made her feel, she just had to focus on her tiny baby girl who was growing and doing a lot of kicking. She would probably get past the horniness at some point anyway and then just be too uncomfortable to worry about sexing the town's hot doctor. There were a lot of things going on in her life and for once, she needed to not be taken in by a guy with nice eyes. Right now, all that mattered was the life she had to make a life for.

_The way I feel so obvious now_

_Cause I'm paper thin in love with you now_

_I'm bursting out_


	9. Hope for the Hopeless

**Chapter 9- Hope For the Hopeless**

It was probably time for him to turn off the lights and leave. The last trick or treater, little Olivia Connors, had come running up to his door an hour ago dressed as an astronaut princess and had nearly cleaned him out of his candy stash. As a doctor, he was pretty sure he was supposed to discourage an obsession with fun size Twix bars, especially if he didn't want to be treating sick stomachs all day tomorrow, but she had looked so cute and he really couldn't resist her hopeful little eyes. So he had just laughed and let her grab a couple of handfuls, and he hadn't seen any kids since. So it was probably time to shut down the office, go home, and start his Halloween night routine, which usually involved responding to the pictures of his nieces and nephews that his parents sent every year.

He wanted to like Halloween. The kids were so cute and excited and he loved seeing their creative little costumes. But Halloween meant Thanksgiving was coming, which meant Christmas was on its way and he couldn't really handle either of those holidays. Most of the time, he thought he was doing pretty well. He had his routines and he didn't find his mind wandering to what had happened too much. But the holidays meant routines were thrown out the window until New Year's. This was usually the time of year when he threw himself into his work, when he committed himself a little more to research or just going above and beyond for his little town. He was more likely to do home visits during the winter, to sit with patients who had the common cold until he had to go home. But it was Halloween, no one needed him now, and there wasn't any reason for him to be the last place open. That usually just led to sad looks the next day.

It didn't take long to shut down the office, especially since everyone else had left early to get their kids ready for trick or treating, and he made a mental note to put what was left of the candy in a bowl by the receptionist desk tomorrow morning before walking out onto the dark street. It had to be almost nine, the street was mostly empty, and he breathed in the crisp fall air as he turned to start his walk home. His Halloween routine meant a late night with leftovers, responding to texts, a little bit of reading, and then bed. It wasn't that different from his usual routine, but it happened later and he had had to remind himself of that a few times today. The good news was that he was hungry and leftovers sounded amazing.

He dug in his pocket for his keys, humming slightly under his breath as the wind picked up. There had been some talk of a late fall snowfall and just the smell of the wind made him think it was possible. He took a deep breath and then let it out quickly when he heard a thump and a string of soft curses from across the street. He had only met her once, but already he knew her voice and he grinned as he walked towards Meredith Grey, who was staring at the pile of groceries on the sidewalk in front of her. Her hair was down and curly around her rounded face and he found himself resisting the urge to tame the strands as the wind picked them up, whipping around her cheeks as she blew out a long sigh.

Her sweater was still big on her, but her baby daughter had apparently done some growing and there was no hiding the rounded stomach now. The whole town would probably be talking about it by next week, about their strange new citizen who had tried to hide a pregnancy, but Derek rarely listened to any kind of gossip. All that mattered right now was that she was healthy and staying relaxed, which probably didn't include kneeling down in the street to clean up a split bag of groceries while trying to balance another bag. "Meredith?" He called to her as he jogged across the street towards her.

"Wh-oh, Dr. Shepherd," the petite blonde smiled at him as she straightened, her hand immediately moving to her stomach. "Hi."

"Derek," he corrected softly as he bent down to rescue a tub of ice cream that was rolling to his feet. "Craving run?"

"Yeah," she blushed, her cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink. "I finished off my candy two hours ago and I'm starving."

"You finished it off? No trick or treaters?"

"I don't know if it's because I'm in the haunted house or because I'm new but…kids were avoiding my house like the plague," she shrugged and then shook her head. "Not that I actually believe in ghosts but is there any kind of possibility that the house is haunted? Or is the fact my electricity keeps flickering due to faulty wiring and not a poltergeist?

"I haven't heard about your house being haunted," he laughed softly as he gathered the ice cream, a bag of shredded cheese, and tortillas back into the bag and picked it up slowly, holding it close to his chest. There was a street light shining directly down on her and he was suddenly stricken by how her green eyes sparkled almost golden as she watched him.

"I might have been watching too much TV about ghosts," she admitted, shifting her own grocery bag. "Anyway, I was apparently more hungry than I had thought because what started out as a run for ice cream turned out to be a run for ice cream, tacos, tortilla chips, and pineapple."

"I know better than to make any kind of comment about a pregnant woman's cravings," he assured her. "Do you want some help?"

"I…you're probably headed home or…" Meredith ran her hand slowly over her stomach.

"It's fine," he insisted, shifting her groceries into the crook of his elbow. It was probably his protective big brother instinct kicking in, but he really did want to help her. She was alone and pregnant in a new town, and the fact he wanted to check her electrical box had nothing to do with the flowers he smelled whenever she was around and more to do with being a good doctor and neighbor. He had closed the office a few minutes earlier than he had been expecting anyway, so he could fit this in. "I can check your electrical box too and we can figure out if we're dealing with a poltergeist or not."

"I…okay, I don't think I can refuse that offer," she grinned at him. "I went down to look at it but had no idea what I was actually looking for."

"I can definitely take a look," he assured her as he held out his other hand. "Do you want me to take that bag? Or is your wrist feeling better?"

"It's still a little sore, though I didn't exactly rest it," she admitted as she handed him the grocery bag. "I had a deadline that took precedence and that wrap was…I mean, it was annoying and I realize you're about to lecture me but in my defense…I did keep my ankle elevated for a full week."

"I'm not going to lecture you," Derek laughed, shaking his head slightly. She was stubborn and dedicated to her job and there was something beyond charming about that, which he definitely couldn't admit. "Did you make your deadline?"

"Yeah, of course," Meredith nodded as she led him down the street.

"Any others coming up?"

"Not yet."

"Hmmm…" he nodded, speeding up to walk next to her. "Can I rewrap it for another week?"

"You're not actually asking, are you?" She glanced at him.

"Well, I can't exactly tie you down and force you to wear the wrap," he laughed before inwardly wincing at his choice of words. They were harmless, he knew that, but in his own head, an image was suddenly building of Meredith Grey tied in his bed, which was beyond inappropriate. She was his patient, she was nearly six months pregnant, and she was trusting him to be a decent human being. And there was the fact that he absolutely could not have that thought. He had sworn to not have those thoughts. "I just…I want to be sure it's fully healed."

"Fine," she sighed heavily.

"Thank you," he grinned at her, his eyes moving to her belly underneath her sweater. "How are you feeling otherwise?"

"Oh…" she glanced down at her stomach, both of her hands trailing over it. "Bigger. You weren't joking about that growth spurt. And she's officially kicking."

"She is?" He grinned.

"Yeah, she seemed to realize I was paying really close attention and she gave me a big kick," Meredith smiled slightly. "Like she was telling me I couldn't be in denial anymore."

"I think she was more assuring you that a fall in the shower didn't scare her," he assured her as her long fingers rested over her belly. He didn't know the full story, and he knew it wasn't his business, but he did know that Meredith had to have kept her accident baby for a reason, and he was hoping that being away from the city was giving her some peace about that choice. He barely knew her but he had the feeling she would be an amazing mom now that she was really accepting the pregnancy.

"Well, she's definitely kicking," she smiled before reaching to unlock her front door and opening it to let him in. She immediately kicked off her shoes and then started walking down a hallway and Derek quickly walked behind her. Her hair was a tangled mess, her cheeks were red from the wind, and he couldn't help but smile at her as he put the groceries down on the kitchen counter. It was a good sized kitchen for an older house and she was clearly starting to make herself at home as she opened the fridge door.

"Where's the box?" He asked her, handing her the groceries as he unpacked them.

"Downstairs in the laundry room," she answered. "I…can I get you anything to drink? I have water and some juice."

"Water is good," Derek nodded as he shrugged off his blazer and unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt to roll up the sleeves. "Do you have tools down there?"

"Yeah, the owner left his tool box," Meredith nodded and then sighed. "I…you really don't have to do this. I don't want you to think I'm some damsel in distress or whatever. I have to…I mean, I always lived in an apartment and this was the sup's job but now I live here and I have to…I can do this."

"You do, and you are," he assured her. "I would never describe you as a damsel in distress and I've only known you for about forty minutes. But asking for help isn't the same as being helpless, Meredith. Anything you need…this is a community and we're all going to want to help. And one day you can help us in return."

"I get that but…"

"No buts," he insisted, reaching across the counter to squeeze her wrist and that weird shock moved through his body again. "And anyway, it's better to figure out this box thing now before it's winter and you're nine months pregnant. I'll take a look and if it's something I can fix, I'll show you how so you don't have to ask next time."

"Oh…okay," she agreed softly. "That sounds good."

"And if it's a poltergeist, I'll call my Catholic parents and ask for the name of an exorcist," he smirked and was immediately rewarded with an eye roll and a giggle. "Get your tacos started and I'll be back up in a minute."

"Okay," Meredith grinned at him, her green eyes sparkling gold again. He squeezed her wrist again and then turned towards the basement door. His heart was pounding a little bit in his ears and he genuinely could not figure out why. Or why he was even here, doing this. Yes, he was the kind of guy who wanted to help people but Meredith was a stranger. Two weeks ago, he had met her and had eased her into the idea that her pregnancy was going to progress no matter how much she tried to hide from it, and now he was in her house and helping her, even after swearing that he was not going to do this with her.

Maybe it was the giggle. He had never noticed giggles from other women, but there was something about Meredith's giggle that made him want to hear it more and more. Then there were her eyes, the green-gold reminding him of a sleek and powerful cat. They were unique and beautiful, which definitely wasn't a word he had used to describe a woman in over twenty years. It hadn't even entered his head to use the word for other women, and that had always been okay. This was the life he had chosen and he didn't understand why he was throwing that all away whenever he was around Meredith except that she was strong and brave and he felt somehow both lost and found whenever he was with her.

It was all against his rules and he shook his head, reaching for the flashlight that sat on top of the laundry machine. His brain was clearly in some weird space right now and there was no reason for him to be thinking anything like what he was thinking right now. Meredith clearly had her own baggage and she didn't need someone complicating her life any more than it already was. And really, he didn't need it either. His life was boring and quiet, but it was settled in a way that he liked. He had built this life for himself and he wasn't about to take a wrecking ball to it, no matter how much he wanted to listen to Meredith giggle for hours on end.

He shook his head again and took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart as he shined the flashlight into the box. He immediately saw the issue and reached to fiddle with the switch, which seemed to be stuck somewhere between on and off, and then dropped his hand. Meredith wanted to know how to fix it, and he did want to be sure that she felt like she had some power over this crazy life she had somehow thrown herself into. Things had to be feeling too big right now, especially with the father refusing to be in the picture, and he wanted to be sure to help her get some control back.

Once she knew how to fix the breaker, he could just head home and go back to his Halloween routine. He could warm up the left overs Ma had left and just…be quiet. He turned off the flashlight and started up the steps again, pausing at the top when he heard a man's voice. It took his ears a second, but he was able to pick up the instructions on how to cook ground beef and he choked back a laugh as he opened the laundry door. Meredith was standing at the stove, her eyes glued to the phone screen as the ground beef sizzled in a skillet. "What are you doing?" He laughed softly.

"Oh crap!" Meredith gasped, nearly dropping her spatula as she turned quickly to look at him. "You scared me!"

"Sorry," Derek shook his head. "But the question still stands…what are you doing?"

"Oh…" she blushed, chewing on her lower lip for a second as she turned back to her phone. "Okay, so I come from New York, where you can get any food delivered. No matter what you're craving, you can get it delivered. But now I'm here and there's no taco delivery and I was desperately craving tacos but once I got all the ingredients out I might have realized…I mean…I don't actually know how to make them. Maybe."

"Maybe?" He raised an eyebrow at her adorable rambling.

"Definitely," she admitted softly. "But the internet knows."

"The internet does know," he agreed as he walked towards her. "And so do I. I also make a killer pineapple salsa."

"You…pineapple salsa is a thing that exists?" She asked, her eyes wide.

"I figured that was why you got the pineapple," he shrugged.

"I just…it sounded good," she shrugged.

"Hmmm…" Derek breathed, reaching for the spatula out of her hand. "Turn off the video and you can watch me. My nieces and nephews love my tacos."

"And your pineapple salsa?" She asked as she closed the video.

'Oh, they love that," he nodded, stirring the ground beef. "Do you have red onions, peppers, jalapeño, and lime juice?"

"I…yeah, because I was going to put those in the taco meat," she explained as she walked towards her fridge.

"Let's try it in a salsa instead," he grinned down at her. She had pulled her hair into a ponytail and he found himself suddenly wondering if the pregnancy had made her cheeks round or if she had always had the round face. Her skin wasn't as red now that she was in from out of the wind and he could suddenly see freckles across the bridge of her nose. He took a deep breath, trying to remind himself that he could not do this with her, and emptied the packet of taco seasoning into the ground beef before turning to the counter to cut up the ingredients for the salsa.

"Did you figure out if I have a poltergeist?" She asked, sipping at a glass of water.

"You don't," he laughed. "I found the problem and once you eat, I'll show you how to fix it."

"Well, at least it isn't a poltergeist," she giggled quietly.

"No poltergeists," he promised her as he opened a drawer and pulled out a knife. "Do you know how to dice and chop?"

"I should probably say yes."

"Not if you don't know how," he shook his head. "Come here."

"Why?" She asked, walking back towards him.

"I'm going to show you how so that when this craving hits a hundred times over the next few weeks, you'll know what to do," he nodding, reaching to pull her until she was in front of him and settled against his chest. It was impossible to miss that she fit perfectly against him and he swallowed as the smell of flowers surrounded him. It was her hair. She was petite enough that her head fit perfectly underneath his chin and with every breath he took, the flowers filled every single one of his senses. He forced himself to relax, forced his body to concentrate on the task on hand, and made a soft promise to himself that he wouldn't put himself into this kind of situation with Meredith Grey ever again. "Pick up the knife and grab the pineapple," he ordered, hoping his voice didn't sound strangled or too breathless.

"Okay," she nodded, her own voice sounding soft in the kitchen. He gently put his hand over hers and guided her as she began to chop and dice the ingredients. It was rough at first and he was hit with more than one piece of pineapple, but once she understood that the slight squeeze on her wrist meant she should slow down, she seemed to get it. Her pieces were uneven, but they would work, and he could sense her relaxing as she moved on to the red peppers. All he could smell was the taco meat, pineapple, and flowers, and it took all he had to keep his free hand on top of the counter instead of giving into the urge of touching her. It was an insane urge and he hated himself for it, hated that he would be thinking of that right now.

"Have you tried to cut any onions since you got pregnant?" He asked softly as she put the red peppers in with the pineapple.

"I don't think I've ever actually cut any onions," she giggled, her body shaking against his.

"Right, delivery service," he nodded as he closed his eyes for a second, trying to breathe or remind himself that he was atoning, that he couldn't be the person he was being right now. "Step back for a minute. Onions can really bother people's eyes and with your senses being heightened…"

"Oh…" she breathed, her hand falling to her rounded stomach. "I…I can come back for the rest of the salsa, right?"

"Of course," he assured her. "You have to learn how to do this."

"Right, in case she becomes addicted to tacos and pineapple salsa," Meredith nodded as he dropped his arms and she slid away from him.

"Or you do," he laughed, looking over his shoulder at her. Her cheeks were pink again, her eyes were sparkling a fiery gold, and his eyes were immediately drawn to the way she licked her lips. It had to be the lighting in the kitchen but she looked like she was glowing or…pregnant women didn't glow. He knew that from his sisters who all rolled their eyes when people told them that, but in the light of the kitchen, Meredith looked like she was glowing and he didn't know how to think anything else. She reached for a glass of water and he cocked his head to the side when he noticed her hand shaking. "You okay?"

"Oh…yeah," she nodded quickly.

"Are you sure?" He put the knife down and took a step towards her. "Are the smells bothering you?"

"No…no…" she shook her head as she put the glass back down on the counter. Her breath hitched slightly and Derek took a step towards her just as she took a step forward and suddenly, somehow, she was pressing her hand against his chest as she stood on her tip toes to press her lips against his.

He would look back on the minute later and still not be able to place the correct order of things. He was pretty sure Meredith had kissed him first, her lips soft and insistent, but he had immediately deepened it as he wrapped an arm around her. He wouldn't be sure about who had moaned or how her hair had fallen out of its ponytail, tumbling into his waiting fingers to be wrapped and pulled. He would remember feeling a soft nudge against his belly but before he could register it, he would remember Meredith pulling at his hair, demanding that he kiss her harder as everything else blurred around him. It was an amazing kiss, surprising and powerful, and he would recount later how he had found a way to pick her up like the sleek cat she was and put her on top of the counter, making it easier for him to taste her lips.

The sounds of panting and kissing filled the kitchen along with the sizzling of the of the taco meat in the skillet, and nowhere in Derek's mind did a demand to stop pop up. Meredith wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him closer to her and he nipped at her lower lip as his hand trailed along her body. Her sweater was rough under his fingers, but he could feel the curve of her breast, heavy and round in his hand and he squeezed it gently as their tongues stroked and dueled each other. A satisfied purr came from deep inside her and Derek smiled against her lips, swallowing the sound just as he felt another nudge against his belly. "Oh…." He laughed breathlessly as his hand fell to her belly, surprised by the strength of her baby girl. "Baby Girl Grey."

"Derek…" Meredith panted as she pulled back slightly, her own hand moving over the spot as her chest heaved. "I…Derek…"

"Breathe," he whispered as much to himself as to her. Their lips moved lazily against each other but Derek's voice of reason, the one that told him he couldn't do this, that he had to atone, was nowhere to be found.

"I…I could…I could blame hormones for that," she whispered against his lips.

"You…you could," he agreed, his fingers grazing over her stomach before he moved his hand to cup her cheek. "You…hormones can…"

"No," she shook her head as she looked at him through her lashes. "I said I could but…I just…you…"

"Breathe," he whispered again. "We don't…we can finish your pineapple salsa and I'll go and this just…hormones."

"Hormones," she echoed softly as he felt her baby move again.

"Sorry for disrupting you, Baby Girl Grey," he murmured before forcing himself to pull away from her. Hormones. She was nearly six months pregnant and her hormones were all over the place and he…well, he wasn't sure what to blame. Twenty years of forced celibacy maybe. But Meredith was hormonal and he had been there and he just had to take a deep breath. He had to remind himself that he could not do this with her. There were rules to his life, important rules, and he could not let his brain process his first kiss in twenty years. That would just be a bad path to go on and he wasn't willing to go there right now.

He chopped the onions quickly, choosing to believe that the tears in his eyes were from them and not his own panicked thinking. The thing was, the voice wasn't there. Meredith was getting out tortillas, it was quiet in her kitchen, and he couldn't hear the voice that punished him for what had happened. It wasn't reminding him of broken glass, red and blue lights, or blood. It wasn't urging him to go home and pull out the picture or telling him he needed to get back to a routine before it all fell apart. The voice had been his constant companion for twenty years and he had no idea why it was gone now or what he needed to do to get it back, but he suddenly felt like he was able to breathe for at least a few seconds.

He cleared his throat and then turned to look at her before putting his knife down. "Onions are chopped," he announced. "And I chopped more in case you get this craving again."

"Thanks," she smiled softly at him. "I…the ground beef is done, I think. It looks good."

"Good," he nodded slowly. "I didn't see any cilantro."

"I hate it," she shrugged. "I think it tastes like soap."

"Oh," he smiled slightly before turning back to the salsa. "So now you're just going to squeeze lime juice and add some salt and you should be all set."

"Derek…" Meredith took a step towards him.

"We can go to the basement and I can show you how to fix your lights," he stated.

"Okay, you need to stop for a second," Meredith ordered, holding up her hand. "I'm sorry I freaked you out. I'm sorry I…well, I'm not sorry I kissed you because it was an amazing kiss and you're…really really good at it."

"Meredith," Derek sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"No, I'm still talking," she said firmly. "The point is, I'm sorry I freaked you out. And I'm not going to blame hormones because that sounds like an easy out but I shouldn't have just done that. That was not okay. But you can't…tacos. You should stay and eat tacos and we can just…not kiss again."

Derek took another deep breath as he stared at her, at the way her eyes seemed to glow and how her hair framed her still pink cheeks, and he ran his hand through his hair again. He couldn't do it. He never should have kissed her and he couldn't…he shouldn't even be here. The voice still wasn't back but he knew it would come back when he was home and he would deserve the sleepless night that was ahead of him. He had made himself a promise and he could't actually break it. He wasn't in any kind of position to sit here and eat tacos with a woman he desperately wanted to kiss again. "Your breaker switch is somehow stuck between on and off," he heard himself say. "Grab some pliers and force it over to on and you should be good."

"First of all, you're assuming I know what you're talking about," she rolled her eyes as she took another step towards him, one of her hands resting on her rounded stomach. "Second, I really want you to stay and eat tacos. It's late and you're not going to have time to make anything. So just stay for tacos. Please?"

It was tempting. He couldn't actually deny that it was tempting to stay with her for a bit and eat tacos. But he didn't know what would happen if that voice was on vacation and he was going out for Halloween as a person who didn't fuck up lives irreparably. She already had so much going on in her life with her pregnancy, but there was something about the please that almost broke his heart. She was probably lonely in a new town and lonely and scared weren't the best mixes for a healthy pregnancy. "I…come downstairs with me," he nodded as he turned towards her basement door.

"What?" She frowned.

"Let's fix your lights before we eat," he shrugged as he did a quick mental calculation of his time. It wouldn't take long to eat tacos and he could still be in bed by eleven and maybe get some reading done. It was probably going to be a sleepless night and he had a feeling he would be pulling the picture out at some point, but he had time. He just had to readjust the rest of his night.

"Oh, okay," she breathed as she followed him to her basement door. His hand slid over the light switch and then he moved aside to let her go first. He had no idea how her balance was, but based on the fall in the shower a couple weeks earlier, he wasn't taking any chances. If she lost her balance, he would be right behind her to catch her. But she took the stairs with ease and Derek paused next to her as they came up to her breaker box.

"See that?" He asked her as he pointed to the switch. "It should be all the way over to on, but for some reason it's caught in the middle."

"I see it," she nodded, her hand rubbing a spot on her belly.

"Are you okay?" He frowned.

"Yeah, she just moves a lot whenever you talk," Meredith shrugged, a smile growing on her lips. "You're a new voice so I think she's just…curious."

"Oh…" Derek nodded, glancing down at her belly. His fingers twitched slightly at his side as a strange urge to feel the baby move washed over him. He shook his head and then reached into the tool box for the pliers and handed them to her. "Grip the switch and then just move it onto the on position."

"Okay," Meredith nodded, taking the pliers for him and leaning towards the box. "Right here?"

"Right there," he confirmed as he watched her grip the button with the pliers and then she moved the switch, her hand shaking slightly. "There you go. Poltergeist gone."

"You don't have to tease me," she rolled her eyes even as she grinned. "This means tacos now, right?"

"I know better than to stand in the way of a pregnant woman and her cravings," Derek shook his head as Meredith turned to go back up the stairs. She definitely took them slower and he swallowed heavily when he felt his eyes moving over her curves. It wasn't exactly obvious that she was pregnant from behind, but she was beautiful and he really had no idea why his brain kept going back to that word.

"How do you know?" She asked, moving to her cabinets to pull out a couple of plates.

"Oh…four sisters," Derek nodded. "Really girly, tons of kids."

"Tons of kids?" Meredith smiled at him.

"Fifteen," he grinned, watching her put her tacos together. She put shredded cheese over her ground beef, some sour cream, and then the pineapple salsa over three tacos before taking it to the island in the middle of the kitchen. He quickly put together his two tacos and then followed her. "I have fifteen nieces and nephews."

"Wow," she breathed, her eyes wide. "Your poor sisters have done this that many times?"

"In total, yeah," he laughed before pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I um…they've been sending me pictures of my nieces and nephews all night."

"That's cute," she grinned, scooting closer to him as he opened the group text. It was filled with pictures of his nieces and nephews, dressed like various super heroes and princesses and a couple costumes he couldn't exactly place. Meredith ran her hand over her stomach as he showed her the pictures, which was another thing he couldn't really explain. He didn't usually show off his private life to anyone in town. They all knew his parents, but that was pretty much it. "They're really cute."

"They are," he agreed before tucking his phone back into his pocket.

"It's crazy," she started as she bit into a taco, "this time next year, I'll be dressing her up as a…I don't know…pumpkin? I think a lot of people dress babies up as pumpkins."

"I don't see you going the traditional route for Baby Girl Grey," he shrugged. "I see you going for a unicorn or something."

"A unicorn?" She giggled softly before taking another bite of her taco. "This pineapple salsa is amazing."

"I'm glad you like it," he nodded, taking a bite of his own taco. "Do you have any nieces or nephews?"

"One niece," she smiled. "Laura. And I think my little sister wants another baby. My other sister is a neurosurgeon and kind of focused on work right now."

"A neurosurgeon?" Derek raised an eyebrow as he felt his chest start to tighten.

"Yeah," she nodded, licking sour cream off her fingers. "She's an amazing surgeon but…she'll want babies at some point. She's already plotting how to spoil my daughter, including animal towels. I'm supposed to figure out what kind of animal she's going to be."

"That's…that's a tough call," he nodded as he took another bite of his taco.

"I know,' she agreed before glancing at him. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You tend to say that before asking me a personal question," he pointed out.

"I know but…I mean, this whole town loves you," she started. "You have your own table at the coffee shop and women flirt with you at the office and…the whole town loves you but you just seem…"

"Seem?" He frowned.

"I don't…never mind," she shook her head quickly. "It's too personal and I shouldn't ask."

"Too personal," he ran his hand over his hair. "You've heard rumors abut the doctor who is always single."

"I heard it called the town curse," she offered. "The old doctor was single, too?"

"The old doctor was gay," Derek laughed. "He died with his partner by his side."

"Oh," Meredith giggled softly. "So the small town wasn't ready to talk about that?"

"They thought they were old college friends," Derek shrugged as he took a deep breath. "I…yes, I'm single. And I don't…I'd prefer not to talk about it."

"Too personal," she nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he murmured as he checked his watch. "I should go."

"Oh," she breathed. "I…thanks for fixing my lights. And the tacos."

"Of course," he smiled at her before glancing down at her wrist. "Do you still have the wrap?"

"It's fine, Dr. Shepherd," she rolled her eyes as she stood from her bar stool and walked to a drawer before returning with the wrap for her wrist.

"Just let me wrap it for a few more days and I'll leave it alone," Derek laughed softly before reaching for her wrist. The spark moved through him and he looked up at her just in time to realize it must have rocked her too when her eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly. His own breath seemed to get trapped somewhere in his chest and his eyes flickered down to her lips. He wrapped her wrist slowly with shaking fingers, trying to ignore each spark that moved through him.

"Derek…" she whispered softly. He looked up into her golden eyes and felt his word shift all over again. None of this made sense, none of it matched with what the world he had been trying to build for himself for twenty years. He took a deep breath and felt himself moving towards her just as her fingers entwined with his. And then suddenly, he heard the voice roaring in his ears, screaming a name that definitely wasn't hers. "Derek?"

"Sorry," he breathed as he pulled back. "I have to go."

"Right," she nodded before looking down at her wrist. "Thanks. For everything tonight."

"Of course," he whispered as he stood and reached for his blazer. "Like I said…small town doctor perks."

"Lucky me," she giggled, resting her hand on her stomach.

"Still moving?" Derek asked.

"Every time you talk," she shrugged. "You can feel if you want."

"Oh…" he whispered as he glanced down at her belly and then shook his head. "I'll see you later."

"Happy Halloween," she grinned at him and he forced a smile back at her before walking out of her house. His breath felt like it was trapped in his chest and the voice had apparently decided to make a come back. He had been doing so well today, almost better than he had in a long time, and now it all just felt so big. Every time he talked to Meredith, something shifted, and he didn't know if he could get it back this time. He had kissed her, he hadn't just kissed her, he had enjoyed kissing her. It had been the first time he had kissed anyone but Alison and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to take it. Meredith was just a reminder of the ghosts in his past of what could or should have been if it hadn't been for that night, and he felt almost stupid even thinking about ghosts. The past was done. He wasn't a neurosurgeon. What had happened had happened and he couldn't make himself think past anything but her name. And he wanted it to stop before everything and everyone else came flooding back.

He would need to get home, need to look at the picture to remind himself why he couldn't be kissing beautiful women, but right now he wasn't sure if he wanted to turn around and kiss Meredith again or go home and hate himself for the urge. He didn't know how to explain what he was feeling, but he wasn't sure how many more times he could take his world shifting before it just completely collapsed around him. And if that happened, Derek wasn't sure he could get it back, or if he would even be able to.

_There's an albatross around your neck,_

_All the things you've said,_

_And the things you've done,_

_Can you carry it with no regrets,_

_Can you stand the person you've become,_

_Ooh there's a light_


	10. A Puzzle Unsolved

**Chapter 10- A Puzzle Unsolved**

Meredith didn't like mysteries. Actually, that was probably wrong. She loved mysteries, and she always had, but she didn't like when she couldn't figure them out. She hated when things didn't make sense or track. It was probably why she had become a journalist: she could put puzzle pieces together to form a whole picture of a person or an event. And right now, Meredith really felt like she was missing about half of the pieces when it came to Derek Shepherd. He was gorgeous, smart, single, a doctor, and from Long Island. With that information, she was pretty sure the picture should be forming to make a guy that wouldn't freak out after kissing her. He was a good guy who talked to her growing daughter and showed her pictures of his nieces and nephews and even suggested she dress Baby Girl Grey up as a unicorn next year. That really didn't suggest that it was her pregnancy that was freaking him out.

Of course, there was probably a huge difference between talking about her daughter and actually wanting to date someone who was only three weeks away from her third trimester and taking on a baby and a single mom who might move away when this was all over. Not that Derek knew that she might not stay in Oakbrook Falls, but there was still the fact that she was pregnant and throwing herself at him and maybe that did freak him out. Maybe that was the piece of the puzzle she was missing, but she didn't think so. There were other things that she really couldn't figure out like why a guy who went to Columbia for medical school ended up in a small town for the last eighteen years or why he didn't want to talk about being single. The small town talked a lot about how Derek had never dated, not once. But he didn't want to talk about it and he had really and completely freaked out after their kiss.

And then there had been the almost kiss. She hadn't misread that, she knew that much. After the first amazing kiss, when he had somehow lifted her onto the counter like she weighed nothing and made her desperate for sex on the counter, after that kiss, there had been the almost kiss. He had clearly freaked out after the first kiss and had freaked out for some other reason while they were eating tacos, but when he had been wrapping her wrist again, there had been an almost kiss. There had been sparks and his eyes had softened and she had sworn there would be a kiss that she was pretty sure would have led to her bedroom. But instead, he had left and for the last day, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about that.

It was just that there were puzzle pieces missing and she didn't know what they were. Derek wanted to kiss her, he wanted to touch her, and she wasn't sure what was missing and she was tired of obsessing over it. She had bigger issues to deal with but pregnancy was pregnancy and it was stupid to focus on it every single day. Her article for the women's site had been received well but otherwise, she didn't have a whole lot going on. So she had more to worry about than why the town doctor freaked out when they kissed or tightened up when she asked him personal questions. Of course, she should probably also worry about why she was so worried about this. She was going to have a baby in February and she didn't need to be thinking about getting naked with the town doctor.

She didn't have the best of luck with men which was obvious judging by her current life. Derek was going to be her doctor and that had to be it. She didn't need to be thinking about being with him or dating him or anything else. He was her doctor and she wasn't going to be looking for anything for awhile. Her first priority had to be her daughter and raising her in a few months. So maybe she just needed to stop trying to figure out the puzzle of Derek Shepherd and just focus on the puzzle of her life. Maybe that puzzle would be less stressful than trying to figure out the hot doctor who was taking up all of her thoughts.

So today seemed like a good day to get out of her house and stop finding ways to add Derek's amazing pineapple salsa to everything she ate. The taco craving was gone but she really couldn't stop thinking about the amazing pineapple salsa. But she had tried it with eggs and she wasn't sure that had been a really good idea. Now she was on her way to the coffee shop before going out for a hike. Her ankle was mostly cured at this point and she figured it was more than time to get another hike in before she got huge and it snowed. Her maternity clothes had finally come in the mail so now she actually looked kind of cute in jeans and a t-shirt that hugged her belly underneath the puffy vest that didn't hide her belly at all. The oversized sweaters had been comfortable but she actually really did think she liked how she looked right now.

Soon, she'd be huge and probably would go back to the oversized look, but right now she felt really good and she liked the idea of being a cute pregnant person. Her body had changed a lot, but she didn't really feel huge, just a little different. So she could be a cute pregnant person who went to the local coffee shop before hiking for a little bit. She definitely wasn't going to be the cute pregnant person who worried about the town doctor and his amazing blue eyes. That would be pathetic. And if Meredith Grey was anything, it definitely wasn't the pathetic girl who kept obsessing over a guy who didn't want her, even if the whole putting her on the counter and massaging her boob sent a whole other kind of message. But she wasn't thinking about that message.

"Good morning, Meredith," Chris greeted her as she walked up to the counter.

"Good morning, Chris," she replied with a smile as she looked up at the chalkboard with the written specials. Her brain was picking up on some weird new craving and she took a deep breath, resting her hand on her belly. "I might have a strange request."

"Strange request?" Chris laughed as he looked at her stomach. "Those were my speciality back in the day. Even my girl Tegan comes to me whenever something pops up in her head."

"Can I have a sausage breakfast sandwich but instead of a biscuit…can it be on a chocolate croissant?" Meredith asked hopefully.

"I think I can make that work," Chris chuckled softly, running his hand over his white beard. "Small latte?"

"Small vanilla latte," she nodded. "And seriously, thank you for the whole strange request thing."

"Any time," he smiled at her. "Going for a hike?"

"I was thinking about it, yeah," she nodded as she slid some cash across the counter to him. "Any other trails I should take besides Watkins's?"

"Well, it's been an age since I went up there," Chris laughed as he tapped his heart. "Not the greatest of tickers, you know. The doc got me a pace maker but not sure he'd necessarily sign on to me hiking."

"I have a feeling the doc would sign on to more exercise," Derek's voice came from behind her and Meredith turned quickly. He was dressed down in jeans and a henley, a light blue jacket that was open on over his outfit. He was a little scruffy, his eyes looked a little puffy, but he still looking amazing.

"I walked right into that, didn't I?" Chris shook his head.

"Exercise, Chris," Derek advised as he handed Chris some cash. "I'm pretty sure we talked about it at the appointment. Exercise is good for the heart."

"Yeah, yeah," the old man rolled his eyes before handing Meredith her latte. "You hear how he talks to his elders?"

"I think it's how he talks to his patients," Meredith giggled as she glanced at Derek as he quickly turned his head.

"Of course she takes your side, Doc," Chris shook his head. "Help her choose a trail?"

"Oh…" Derek nodded slowly as he swallowed. "Yeah, I can do that. As long as you swear to exercise."

"I already told you I would, Derek," Chris pointed out.

"And then you told someone you couldn't go hiking because of your heart," he laughed, shaking his head.

"Got it, Doc," the old man snorted before smiling at Meredith. "Take a seat. I'll bring you your breakfast sandwich."

"Thanks, Chris," Meredith smiled softly as she sipped at her coffee. Derek grabbed his bagel and started towards his table before pausing for a second, his shoulders moving up and down slowly in a long inhale and exhale.

"You…do you want to sit?" He asked her as he turned back around, his eyes moving up and down her body. "It's busy and I…I have a table."

"Oh," she breathed as she looked around the crowded room. He was right, it was mostly standing room, and standing while drinking her coffee didn't sound all that fun. "Yeah, sure, if you don't mind."

"I offered, Meredith," he shrugged as he walked back to his table. He moved the second chair over to the right slightly before sitting down in the chair against the back of the wall. He paused for a second and then shifted it to the left before nodding. "Go ahead and sit."

"Thanks," she grinned as she sat down across from him.

"Did you order food?" He asked, smearing some cream cheese on his bagel.

"Yeah, but it was kind of a random thing and I think Chris is actually making it for me from scratch or something," she shrugged before wrapping her hands around her mug. She was not going to stare at him. He looked amazing but she was not going to stare at him because staring at him just confused her.

"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly. "A new craving?"

"I don't even know if it's a craving or if Baby Girl Grey just came up with something really weird to punish me for the pineapple salsa and eggs debacle," she shrugged, rubbing her stomach slowly.

"Pineapple salsa?" Derek smiled slightly.

"You've started something and you really should feel bad about that," she sighed as she finally looked up at him and felt the room immediately heat. "I've literally put pineapple salsa on everything since the other night and I'm already almost out."

"Then I definitely apologize," he nodded as he took a bite of his bagel. His eyes were sparkling though and she already hated that her brain was doing that thing where she wanted to run her fingers through his dark curls.

"Here we go, Meredith," Chris grinned as he came from behind Meredith to stand against the wall instead of actually walking up to the table. "Sausage breakfast sandwich on a chocolate croissant."

"Thanks, Chris," she grinned widely.

"Strange requests can be my specialty for the next little bit," Chris looked down at her stomach before glancing at Derek. "You heading out for a hike, Doc?"

"It's Saturday," Derek looked up from his bagel, a slight frown on his face. "You know I am."

"Right," Chris nodded as a smile pulled at his lips. "Meredith wants to go on a hike, too."

"Hmmm…" Derek breathed before his frown deepened. "On that ankle?"

"It's better," she insisted as she took a bite of her breakfast sandwich and moaned. "Chris…you're my favorite person right now. This is amazing."

"I'm glad to hear that, Meredith," Chris grinned. "Anyway, Doc, I was thinking you could show Meredith whatever trail you're going on. Always good to be neighborly."

"He doesn't have to," she shook her head quickly as she looked up at Derek, who now looked a little pale. "Derek, you don't have to. I just…I wanted to try a new trail and thought a local could tell me which one is good."

"And the Doc is the expert on that after eighteen years of hiking every Saturday," Chris shrugged. "Enjoy the hike, you two." The old man turned and walked away and Meredith took a deep breath before sipping at her coffee. It was like the universe wanted her to be around Derek, or at least to figure out the puzzle of him. Not that she actually had to go hiking with him, but she wanted to.

"Are you sure your ankle is up for a hike?" Derek asked softly as he ran his hand through his hair.

"It really doesn't hurt anymore," she insisted and then shook her head. "And you don't have to take me. I don't know why Chris…you don't have to take me."

"I…" Derek shook his head before looking down at his coffee. His fingers twitched slightly and he looked up at her with his puffy blue eyes before picking up his bagel. "I'd rather take you and know that if your ankle does give out, you have someone who can help you."

"It really is okay, Derek," she insisted.

"Meredith," he shook his head. "I…every Saturday I go hiking for two hours. It's relaxing and it helps me clear my mind and…I do know all of the best trails. So if you want to know the good trails, then I'll take you. And if I didn't take you, then Chris will torture me for the next week."

"So you're taking me because you don't want your coffee guy to torture you?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. No," he said quickly. "I want to be sure you're okay and you enjoy hiking so I think you'll get it."

"I'll get it?" Meredith asked, taking the last bite of her sandwich.

"I've taken my brother before and he talked the whole time," Derek shrugged. "And then bitched."

"I won't bitch," she offered. "And I use hiking to clear my mind, too."

"Good," he whispered before standing. "Ready to go?"

"Ready," Meredith nodded, following behind him. The baby was moving again, just like she always did when Derek was around and Meredith wrapped her hand over her stomach as she fell into step next to Derek. He seemed different somehow and she could only figure it was the other night. It was that stupid puzzle piece that was missing and she didn't know how to find it. He was funny and nice until he got awkward and she just didn't get why. And she didn't know why he had put himself in this situation when he had freaked out so much the other night. It would have been so easy for him to say no, that he wanted to be alone, and she would have completely okay with that. But instead they were walking down the street together, Derek's hands in his pockets as he looked down at his feet.

It was just so awkward and she didn't know what to say. Ever since she had met Derek, it had seemed so easy to talk to him. Even after the awkwardness after the kiss, they had had easy conversation. Maybe it would have been better for her to say her ankle or her back was hurting and just get out of it. The back thing wasn't necessarily a lie, but she had read that exercise might help it and that's really what she was going for.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked softly.

"What?" She looked up at him.

"You're just quiet,'' he shrugged.

"You just said that you preferred quiet on your hikes,' she pointed out. "And you seem like you need to clear your mind."

"I…I did say that," he sighed as they walked down the main street together. This was horrible. It was horrible and a part of her almost wanted to cry. She didn't know a lot of people in Oakbrook Falls yet but Derek had at least been friendly and not at all judgey. Maybe it had been stupid, but past all of the feelings of desperately wanting to jump him, she had kind of liked the idea of just having someone to talk to. Of course, she also had this thing where she destructed all the good things in her life without even trying. Hopefully her daughter didn't have the same tendency, though judging by the fact her hormones had made her jump Derek…well, it didn't bode well for the Grey girls.

Except it hadn't been hormones. She knew that was what she should be blaming, but she thought Derek was attractive and…she wasn't thinking about this. She was going to hike and she was going to clear her mind and he could clear his mind and then they could go their separate ways. She would stay quiet because that was apparently what he wanted and that had to be enough to get through this weirdness. "You can tell me if you don't want me to come," she murmured.

"I invited you," he pointed out.

"You didn't invite me. Chris invited me," she argued.

"He did but I could have…" Derek shook his head, his jaw tightening.

"Okay, I think…this is about the other night," Meredith said firmly as she followed Derek to the base of the trail. "So I'm going to say somethings and you tell me if any of those things are right and…or you can just tell me to go because you don't like to be around me and you're just my doctor."

"That's not…" he took another deep breath and looked up the trail. "It's not the hardest trail. It's pretty well defined but we might have to climb over some smaller rocks."

"I can do that," she nodded as she rested her hand on her belly.

"If you can't, it's okay, another trail veers off this one and it's actually easier," he said softly as his eyes fell to her stomach. "Both are really good trails. They just take a little longer to get the falls."

"That's okay, Derek," she insisted. "But if we're about to go on a hike and you're about to be weird, can I say some stuff? And then you can decide if you just don't want me on the hike."

"I want you on the hike, Meredith," Derek whispered, looking down at his hiking boots. "I don't know why I want you on the hike, but I do."

"Okay, well, you don't seem like you want me on the hike," she pointed out. Derek turned to go up the trail and she quickly followed behind him. The ground was mostly covered with leaves and there was something really satisfying about the crunch beneath her boots. "It wasn't hormones."

"Sorry?" He asked, looking over his shoulder at her.

"It wasn't hormones," she repeated because she was just going to say all of it and then maybe turn and run back home. "Hormones are a cop out and I'm not going to blame them. I mean, my friend Hillary said hormones are an actual thing and her husband…the point is, I know hormones are a thing but it wasn't hormones. I didn't kiss you because of hormones. I kissed you because I wanted to. I kissed you because your eyes do this thing and you have really, really nice hair. Has anyone ever told you about the hair?"

"I…it's my dad's hair," Derek shook his head, a curl falling over his forehead. "And I'm actually getting a hair cut after this."

"Okay, well…my point is, that's why I kissed you," she stated. "And I've been trying to figure out why you kissed me. Because you did kiss me, Derek. I didn't dream you kissing me. You actually…I was on the counter. You lifted me on the counter and I still can't figure out how you managed to do that because of the whole…but you did kiss me, Derek."

"I did kiss you," he agreed as he gently took her elbow to help her around a log.

"But apparently that kiss was really bad," she frowned up at him. "Oh maybe it was the almost kiss after? Was it that one? Because I was pretty sure that kiss was going to happen."

"It was," he nodded.

"And then it didn't happen," she said slowly. "So I have some theories."

"Meredith," he sighed.

"No, I'm going to list my theories and then we can go back to clearing our minds or whatever," she shook her head as she stopped by a huge oak tree. "So my first theory is that you're my doctor and you want to separate your professional and personal lives."

"I…I live in a very small town,' he pointed out to her. "Nothing is separated here, even if I want to."

"Right, okay, so that theory is dead," she nodded slowly. "So next theory…it's the pregnant thing. You don't want some big fat pregnant woman kissing you and you don't want…I mean, pregnancy means a baby and a baby is a huge responsibility and I'm not saying she would be your responsibility because she wouldn't be. She's my responsibility but if you wanted to…babies are a responsibility and maybe you just…so the theory is that the baby thing is freaking you out and the pregnant thing is really only okay if I'm your patient⏤"

"Meredith," Derek groaned and suddenly she was pinned against the tree as his lips landed on hers. She felt her hands move into his dark curls, pulling on them as his tongue brushed along hers. It was another amazing kiss and it made her brain swirl and then stop as she focused on the feeling of Derek's strong body covered hers as his hand fell to her stomach. "You ramble," he whispered into her mouth, his other hand cupping her cheek.

"I…I know, it's genetic or whatever," she breathed before nipping at his bottom lip. His thumb brushed over her cheek and he closed his eyes for a second, his chest rising and falling quickly. "Derek?"

"This…I can't…" he shook his head but he wasn't moving as his strong fingers brushed over her stomach as the baby wiggled.

"Okay? See, this is…" she pulled back from him, even if his body still covered hers. "You can't kiss someone and say you can't. It's confusing and weird and I feel like…there's this piece of you I don't have and nothing makes sense."

"Don't start rambling again," he shook his head before turning to walk up the trail.

"Don't start freaking out again," Meredith countered, trying to ignore her shaking legs as she walked after him. "You kissed me this time. It wasn't my fault. So no blaming hormones."

"I'm not blaming hormones," Derek shook his head. "I kissed you."

"I'm suddenly understanding the need for hiking to clear your mind," she mumbled under her breath. Frustrating. He was frustrating and sexy and he apparently wasn't bothered by the pregnancy thing or…she didn't know what his problem was. He just kept hiking instead of talking, his back was straight and she heard him take deep intakes of sharp breaths. It just didn't make sense and she didn't know what to do anymore.

"You don't make sense," he suddenly said as he lifted a branch for her to walk under.

"What?" Meredith breathed.

"You don't make sense," he whispered, staring at his feet. "I know you think I don't make sense but you don't make sense. You're my patient so automatically I shouldn't be kissing you. But it's not that. It's you. It's you when you ramble or your how your green eyes look golden. I have a life here and it works very well, Meredith. I have a routine and it works and it's how my life is supposed to be. And then you come in and suddenly I'm eating tacos at nine-thirty at night and going hiking with you on a Saturday and…kissing you.'

"Okay,' she nodded slowly. At least he was talking. "You like routines."

"I don't…it's not about…" he trailed off as he shook his head. "Routines help."

"They help?" Meredith asked.

"Hmmm…" he breathed. "You don't fit into routines. Any of them."

"I'm getting really confused, Derek,' she looked up at him. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were dark and she reached for his hand to squeeze it.

"You're beautiful," he murmured as he turned to look at her. She didn't know how to describe the look in his eyes but it almost looked like fear or regret or something. "You are beautiful and you make it easier to breathe and none of that makes sense for me. I wanted to hike so that I could either forget that or figure it out. Because you can't be beautiful to me, Meredith."

"Okay…stop talking in riddles,' she ordered, squeezing his hand tightly. "Just…I don't do well with being confused or with missing puzzle pieces. And you're like one giant puzzle with a million pieces."

"That actually might feel right," Derek laughed slightly. "Watch that rock."

"Derek."

"You had a twisted ankle, Meredith," he pointed out as his hand moved to her lower back and then quickly pulled back.

"No, I want you to keep talking," she shook her head, reaching for his hand again. "I want you to explain this to me because I honestly can't tell if you like kissing me or hate kissing me but can't help yourself. Like maybe you have an impulse control issue or something."

"I've never had a problem before," he shook his head quickly and then looked down at their hands. "I like kissing you and that's the problem."

"Why is that a problem?" She pressed.

"It's just…" Derek closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath as his body shook and then he nodded. "You asked the other night about me being single."

"I did," Meredith agreed softly as she reached up to run her fingers through his hair. He almost immediately flinched and she tried not to take it personally, she really did, but something about it made her feel even worse.

"I am single," he whispered. "But I don't…the reason I don't…I was engaged."

"Okay…" she said slowly. "When? Because no one in town talks about it."

"Because they don't know," Derek opened his dark blue eyes and stared at her. "I don't talk about it because I don't need to talk about it. It was before I moved here and that's…they don't need to know."

"Before you moved here," she nodded, digging deep into her mind for the contents of the Oakbrook Falls website. "You moved here eighteen years ago, Derek. I don't…"

"She died," he whispered in the most strangled voice she had ever heard. "Alison died."

"Oh," Meredith felt every ounce of air whoosh out of her lungs. "Oh."

"Alison died in a car accident twenty years ago," Derek whispered. "No one here knows that and I don't know why I'm telling you except that I need you to understand…you don't fit. I can't let you…"

"Fit," she finished, running her hand over her stomach as she took a step back from him. "You can't let me fit."

"I can't…I can't talk about it," he said quickly as his breath came almost too fast. "I can't…she died and I haven't…I'm fine now and I live here but I can't…it's not…"

"Breathe," she ordered, reaching quickly for his wrist again and giving it a tight squeeze. "You have to breathe because I can't carry you down this trail and you need to breathe. You don't have to talk about it." She kept a little bit of pressure on his inner wrist as his eyes widened and then turned back to her, his breathing starting to slow. "Just breathe. It's…it's okay. You don't have to…just breathe."

"Sorry," he whispered, his body calming with each breath he took. "Sorry. I just…I don't tell people."

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she insisted again.

"Okay," he whispered before squeezing her hand tightly. "I don't want to."

"Okay," she echoed before entwining her fingers with his. His eyes darted down to her hands and she thought for a second he would pull his hand away but he didn't. He pulled slightly at it and then they were hiking again, moving up the trail with their fingers entwined. It was a puzzle piece, but a small one. If anything, she felt like she had picked up a piece to a hundred piece puzzle only to find out she was actually working on a thousand pieces. "I'm sorry."

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry," she repeated as she looked up at him. "That's…about Alison. I'm sorry."

"Oh,' Derek nodded as he winced. "Thanks."

"Yeah," she whispered, rubbing her stomach gently as the baby wiggled. It was still a weird feeling, even weirder when it came after a few minutes of her daughter not moving. But she seemed to be stretching now and Meredith ran her hand gently along the fabric of her vest. Maybe it was just better for her to stay quiet on this hike, to focus on her wiggly daughter, and not ask anymore questions even if she felt like Derek was just hiding all the pieces from her. Which was actually totally okay because it was his life, but she wanted to know more. She wanted to understand why his fiancee dying twenty years ago meant she wasn't allowed to fit. Which actually made her feel like a really bad person.

She didn't have the right to question how he felt about his fiancee. She didn't have the right to tell him that he should move on or move on with her. Besides the fact that he barely knew her, it was just…she couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now. It was hard for him to talk about and it obviously still hurt, so she didn't need to get involved in that. They were just hiking and he was showing her a new path, and that had be it for now.

"You make me forget sometimes," Derek suddenly said, quickly ducking from a branch and then reaching to hold it for her again before pulling her forward.

"What?" Meredith frowned.

"You make me forget," he smiled down at her. "Not about her. Just...that I'm not...that I can't let you fit."

"Is...is that a good thing?"

"I don't know," he murmured as his eyes darkened. "It shouldn't be. I keep thinking I won't keep putting myself in these situations with you because I can't figure out why or how...but at your house and now...it feels really good to be able to breathe sometimes."

"Oh," she whispered as she squeezed his hand. "So you're saying..."

"I don't know that either. Just that..." he shook his head. "I don't know. But it isn't about you or...I kissed you. I kissed you and it feels good to kiss you. But I can't."

"You can't," she nodded. "So do you want me to go on the other trail…"

"No," he shook his head as he pulled her closer to him. "Breathing feels good."

"Okay," she murmured as she let her own body relax against his. "So we hike."

"So we hike," Derek echoed before turning to go up the path again. He was a mystery. That was all Meredith could really think. Her doctor was a mystery and maybe more than a little dark and twisty. She couldn't push, she couldn't ask the thousands of questions that were going through her journalist mind. She had learned a long time ago that some stories had to be told in their own time and in their own way, and it took a lot of patience until those two things came together. And maybe that was what she had to do now.

Obviously she was attracted to him and that was more than a little bit of a problem. But it was just an attraction and she could go back to the original plan of just being in Oakbrook Falls and getting through her pregnancy and figuring out what the rest of her life was going to look like with a little baby girl. She just needed to let go of the whole solving a mystery thing and stop giving into distractions. The mystery of Dr. Derek Shepherd could not take the place of the Property Brothers.

_Are you uncertain?_

_Or just scared to drop your guard?_

_Have you been broken?_

_Are you afraid to show your heart?_


	11. The Pain Underneath

**Chapter 11- The Pain Underneath (TW- Suicide)**

His runs were starting to get longer. Without even realizing it, Derek was starting to run farther than he usually did in the morning. It happened in November, when his brain started to go too fast and his breathing always felt like it was trapped somewhere between the ache in his heart and the tightness of his chest wall. He ran farther and faster so that the routine wasn't too thrown off and so that he could try not to think. When he ran, he tried to focus on the feel of the pavement beneath his tennis shoes, the rhythmic motion of his body, and the panting of his breath. He wanted to be aware of nothing except for the sweat that built on his skin and the way his clothes felt against it. All of that had to feel better than what was going through his mind now.

The hike with Meredith had been…it had been too much. He had been thrilled to find out the twentieth anniversary of his proposal to Alison had fallen on a Saturday, when he could hike all day and just be sad. He had expected the flashbacks and the nightmares, but he hadn't expected to be all but forced into taking his pregnant patient for a hike. More specifically, he hadn't expected her quiet strength to make it easier for him to breathe for a couple of hours. He had never actually thought he had trouble breathing, but Meredith made him feel different somehow. Actually, she made him feel different in a lot of ways and absolutely none of them made him feel like he was atoning for what had happened.

He was supposed to remember. He was supposed to remember what Alison had sounded like or how she had taken her coffee. He was supposed to remember what color her dress had been the night of the proposal and how she had kissed him or if she had even said yes or just screamed happily. But those memories were fading so far out of his reach that sometimes he felt like he was drowning and desperately trying to reach the safety of a lifeboat. Those memories had been replaced by sickening crunches, red and blue lights, blood on a green dress that almost made it black, and the feeling of glass underneath his palms. When his routine was thrown off, those memories took over everything and made his runs longer and harder.

Meredith threw off his routines. After their hike, on which she had been quiet unless he asked her questions, he had wanted to walk her back to her place and make sure she was warm and comfortable. Her back had been hurting a bit and it had taken everything he had not to offer up a massage. Before her, he had never even considered changing his daily routines. They worked for him and he needed them desperately right now. But the more time he spent with her, the more he craved the feeling of just being able to breathe. He knew he was confusing her and that it wasn't fair to her. Kissing her was wrong and he really needed to stop, but he had no idea how. He didn't know how to stop any of this and he didn't know if he wanted to. Or he did want to stop, but he just…it was all too confusing for him to process right now.

He would be seeing her again today, for her twenty-four week appointment. He loved that she was clearly embracing her pregnancy now, and that she seemed much more at peace with her life. He was sure it had to be hard for her to be doing this alone, but at least she wasn't living in denial. Not that she could with the way the baby was moving these days, which led right back to the kiss while they had been hiking. It had somehow been the most natural thing in the world to rest his hand on her stomach and feel the little girl wiggle and kick while he kissed Meredith, letting his stressed body relax against hers, at least for a few minutes. But he couldn't keep doing it and he sucked in a deep breath as he ran into his house and leaned against the wall for a second, trying to catch his breath.

Shower. He needed to shower but he found himself walking towards his desk and pulling out the drawer, his eyes immediately falling to the picture inside. Light brown hair that couldn't hold a curl. They had joked about whether or not their babies would have curly hair or stick straight like hers. Her eyes had been brown and she had smiled a lot, mainly because she hadn't ever been able to think of many reasons not to smile. And her dress had been pink with little blue flowers on it the night of their engagement. She had looked so beautiful and Derek ran his fingers over the picture as he tried desperately hard to conjure up her voice in his head. But that was what had gone away and trying to force it made him want to cry. He at least needed to remember her like this over the next month. Once it was over, he could try to hide her back into the box he had put her in, the one he closed up tightly over the rest of the year, because he didn't want to think about that night. He didn't want to think about the other pictures in his desk drawer. He just needed to keep his routine tight over the next month and try not to disappear into it.

His phone rang in his hoodie pocket and he immediately pulled it out as he slammed the drawer shut. "Hey, Ma," he greeted as he walked back to his kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

"Hi, sweetheart," Mom's voice filled his ears and he let himself breathe for a second. "Just got back from your run?"

"Yeah," he nodded before guzzling some water. "It was a great run."

"I'm glad," she replied. "Any snow yet up there?"

"Not yet," he shrugged. "I keep thinking any day but I guess we're not there yet. I'm guessing you guys haven't gotten any?"

"Not yet, no, thank goodness," Mom laughed softly. "Your dad gets like a caged lion when there's snow."

"Imagine if you guys decided to become snowbirds and lived in Florida."

"As if we could ever leave our kids and grandkids," Mom admonished. "Anything new with you?"

"Not really," he shrugged because there was no way he could tell her about the pregnant woman he couldn't stop kissing. He couldn't really explain what was happening there and he wasn't sure how he could explain how bad and good it made him feel at once. Mom would never understand it, especially since he didn't, and he just didn't think it was a good idea to talk about something that couldn't keep happening anyway. "How about with you guys?"

"Dad's just getting over a cold," Mom reported and Derek felt his heart drop and then suddenly speed up.

"A cold?" He asked. "How bad was it? Are you sure he's getting over it?" His dad's injury meant that a cold could turn into a lot more and while Derek knew that his mom knew the signs of pneumonia and wouldn't let something happen to Dad, he also knew that the only way the next month could be any worse was if something did happen to either of his parents.

"He's fine, sweetheart," Mom stated, her voice soft in the way he had come all too familiar with over the years. "It's just a slight cold, probably from one of the grandkids. He rested in bed yesterday and now he's doing much better. He's reading while I make breakfast."

"Okay, good," he sighed as he ran his hand through his sweaty hair. "Just keep an eye on his breathing and his temperature."

"Yes, sweetheart, as a nurse I'm well aware of what to watch for when it comes to pneumonia," his mom said gently and he swallowed before leaning against his counter. "How was Saturday?"

"Oh…" he breathed. "I…I went for a hike and got my hair cut. I um…I had some leftovers for dinner."

"And how did you sleep?"

"I didn't," he admitted softly. "It was…but that's normal, Ma. Don't worry about that."

"No one is worrying, dear," she murmured. "I just want to be sure."

"It's never that day that's bad, Ma," he reminded her before walking back towards his bedroom. "It's never…I'm okay."

"I know, I know," she sighed and the line went silent for a second. "Dad and I can come up in a couple weeks."

"Mom," he groaned.

"It's just an offer," she said quickly. "We can come up for a couple of days and then come back in December. Just so…being alone won't help you, sweetheart."

"Mom, I really don't want to talk about this," he sighed heavily. "I know you and Dad are worried about me but…"

"But it's the twenty year anniversary and we have the right to worry," Mom interrupted. "We saw how you were when you were here."

"I was fine, it was one bad moment," Derek snapped before taking a deep breath. He needed to just count to ten and not give his mom a reason to freak out. His routines made sure that his snapping stayed in check and if Mom thought he was unraveling, then she would be here tomorrow. "Ma, I love you and I know you're worried. But I'm…I have to work. I'm going to be working that day and then I'll probably just…I'll be okay. Just like I am every other year."

"You're never okay," Mom pointed out. "And you never end up going into work. Dad and I are just offering to be in town if you need us."

"Ma, it's been eighteen years since I gave you a reason to be worried," he pointed out, trying to keep the edge out of his voice even as his chest tightened. "At some point you have to realize I'm not going to kill myself." The line went quiet and Derek paused in the middle of his bedroom, realizing that it was absolutely the wrong thing to say. His parents had been through a lot in the first year or two after the accident and the simple fact was, he had given them more than enough reason to worry. "Ma?"

"Derek, there are somethings that are just better not to…" Mom paused and her voice broke. "None of us thought it before."

"I know, Mom," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"You probably want to get ready for the day."

"Ma, no, I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I'm…that was an insensitive thing to say. I know it was. I'm just…I shouldn't have said it."

"It's all right, sweetheart," she stated as he heard Dad's soft murmur. "Breakfast is ready so I have to let you go anyway. Can I call you tonight?"

"You can call whenever, Ma," Derek whispered as he felt guilt rise in his chest. "I love you. And Dad."

"We love you, too, dear," Ma murmured before hanging up. Derek let out a long breath as he sat down on his bed, fighting the sudden urge to cry. He hated doing this to his parents, hated that they still had that worry even after eighteen years. Kathleen had wanted them to go to therapy at some point, because it had been traumatic for them, but his parents had stubbornly refused and Derek sometimes wondered if he had stayed in the city if they would have gotten over it. But instead he had run off to Oakbrook Falls and that had been one of those out of character moments his therapist had always talked about. But really, Derek wasn't sure if his parents were still looking for the in character aspects of who he had been twenty years ago, without realizing that person was gone.

He just hated that they still worried, and that he gave them reason to worry. He shouldn't have said what he said to his mom and he was sure his dad would be comforting her all morning. There was probably even a text message in his future and he didn't know how he could possibly explain. Of course it frustrated him that his parents couldn't let it go, of course it annoyed him that his mom was constantly on egg shells around him, but she had been the one to rush him to the hospital nineteen years earlier. It had been a moment of weakness, a moment of doubt that he could keep living this new life.

But he had been fine ever since. Never once had it even entered his head again and he wished his mom could understand that. Either way, snapping about it and bringing it up to his parents probably wasn't the best idea and he hated that he had done it. It was going to be a rough enough month, and they didn't need him being like this. No matter how hard things felt, or how confused his brain was, he needed to show them that he really was doing okay, or at least better.

He showered quickly, dressed, and then left his house to go get his morning coffee and bagel. Mornings were like this were his favorite, especially when his routine went perfectly. Of course, his chest was tight and he was still wondering what he could do to make his mom feel a bit better about everything that was going on in his life. She was right that he usually didn't end up working on the anniversary but this year he was determined to make it different. Oakbrook Falls was booming, he had gained about fifteen new patients so far and that meant the town needed him. And once the snow hit, he usually ended up doing a lot more house calls so it would be fine. He was not going to let his parents worry about him.

"Good morning, Chris," he greeted the coffee shop owner who immediately smiled at him.

"Morning, Doc," the old man greeted him. "Good run this morning?"

"Great run," Derek agreed, sliding his money over to the old man. "Busy morning?"

"Busy enough," Chris shrugged as he looked around the coffee shop. "Tegan's coming into town. I think she might be making that final call to move here."

"That's great," Derek grinned at him. "It means you can finally take a breather.'

"Breathers are for the weak," the older man laughed, handing Derek his coffee. "And you better not tell her I need one. I control your coffee intake."

"I think I'll be okay, Chris," Derek rolled his eyes, though his breath suddenly hitched when he saw a familiar blonde sitting at his table. "I…Meredith's sitting at the table."

"I know," Chris smirked. "I told her she could wait for you there. She's not in your seat, right?"

"No. I just…" Derek took a deep breath and then raised his cup in salute at the older man. "Thanks, Chris." He shook his head and walked over to his table slowly. It was his table and it gave him exactly what he needed when he sat in the coffee shop every morning. Other people joined him sometimes, but usually it was brief. He didn't think anyone had just sat there before, and he really wasn't sure what to think of it. No matter what Meredith did, she always seemed to manage to confuse him at least a little. "Meredith?"

"Derek!' The blonde journalist turned to him, her smile wide as she rested her hand over her belly. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were bright, and Derek felt his eyes moving over her body before he could even register why. She really was beautiful with her blonde waves and her curvy body. He wasn't sure why his mind kept thinking that about his pregnant patient, but it was usually the first thing he noticed about her.

"Hi," he nodded slowly as he sat down in his chair. Somehow, she didn't block his view at all and he let out a soft breath before turning to his bagel. "Don't we have an appointment today?"

"We do," she nodded eagerly. "Twenty-four weeks appointment. I just…I woke up really excited and I thought about going to hang out outside the office but that seemed kind of weird so I figured I'd wait for you here and we could walk over."

"You woke up excited?" He asked.

"To see her."

"Oh," Derek nodded, glancing at her belly underneath the light fall jacket she was wearing. "We don't generally do another ultrasound until the third trimester."

"You don't?" Meredith asked as her face fell and her hand moved over the bump. "I mean…she's growing. I can tell she's grown because she feels bigger and her kicks are getting really strong and…don't you have to see how she's grown?"

"I can tell that by an exam," he explained.

"Okay but…" she sighed, her teeth catching her lower lip before she looked up at him. "Can you make an exception? Because I really…I can't explain it but I really want to see her. I want to see her and not freak out. I freaked out last time and the first time so I just really want to see her and just…be excited about her."

"She knows you're excited, Meredith," he assured her as he reached out to lightly touch her wrist. The spark that always accompanied their touches rushed through him and without any kind of thought that he should, Derek felt him lace his fingers with hers for a second.

"I know she does," she whispered, her fingers squeezing his. The coffee shop seemed smaller for a second and Derek felt the pain in his chest start to give as his eyes moved to hers, holding her gaze. Her green eyes were sparkling, but filled with a kind of want he didn't think he could ever understand, and he nodded slowly at her.

"Okay," he breathed. "We'll take another look at her today.'

"Thank you," she whispered and it suddenly hit him that he didn't want to move his hand. Her skin was soft and the light pressure from her fingers made his body seem to stop shaking. None of it made sense and it was so entirely against every rule of his atonement but when he was with her, he didn't know how not to break those rules. It was all second nature and so right that he didn't think he could just stop. It didn't make any sense how a petite and pregnant journalist from Manhattan made him forget how he had wronged so many people in his life, but she did. And the worst part was, he didn't know what he could do about it. If he were anyone else in the world, he would ask her out on a date. He would take her out and kiss her good night and it would be…but he couldn't do that. There was just no way he could do that.

"Hey," she whispered as she squeezed his wrist and he shook his head slightly. "Are you okay?"

"Oh," he breathed and took a deep breath. "Yeah, sorry. It's been…the last couple of nights…I'm okay."

"Okay," she murmured, her head cocked to the side slightly as she looked at him.

"Can I ask you a question?" He smiled at her.

"Isn't that my line?" Meredith giggled.

"It's my turn," he pointed out. "You always get to ask questions."

"Because you're a puzzle and I want to figure you out," she shrugged nonchalantly as she sipped at her coffee.

"Okay, well, you're not exactly an open book," Derek countered. It all felt so easy with her. He hadn't bantered with a woman in twenty years but this felt as easy as if he had been doing it his whole life with her.

"It doesn't go with my persona," she giggled.

"Your persona?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her.

"Strange new person who tried to hide her pregnancy," Meredith pointed out. "What was yours when you first moved here?"

"Oh…" Derek frowned slightly. "I…Dr. Shetland's new doctor? I don't know really. I didn't pay a lot of attention back then."

"You had to have a persona," she shook her head. "I mean, you were new and young and I'm guessing there wasn't a lot of population growth eighteen years ago."

"Definitely not," he shook his head. "The town was actually on a down swing then. And then the recession hit and things got really bad. Our mayor just got really smart in the last few years and made sure we became the answer to big city over stimulation."

"Okay, see, this is why I think I should be blogging about this town or something," she stated. "It has a story. Like a real, twenty-first century story."

"Which actually circles back around to my question," he smiled at her over the rim of his coffee cup.

"I was kind of hoping you had forgotten."

"A real open book," he shook his head. "You're a journalist."

"Is that a question?" She frowned. "Because I already told you that."

"You're a journalist who doesn't currently seem to be actually…journaling anything," he pointed out.

"Reporting," she corrected. "I was actually a reporter which is…I mean, journalist is the catch all term and we all go to school for journalism but…the point is, I was technically a reporter."

"Was? Or is?" He asked softly as she shifted in her seat, her hand moving over her stomach.

"I…it's a really complicated answer," she sighed. "It's not even a good story, just a stupid one. A stupid, brainless mistake that…it's complicated."

"And you clearly don't want to tell me the story," he nodded before checking his watch. "Come on. Patty's about to open the office."

"It's not that I don't want to tell you,' she shook her head quickly. "That's not…talking about it means I have to think about it and that's…I'm excited about my daughter right now. That's all I know and it seems like a really good step forward. So I don't want to start thinking about the fact I'm not currently reporting or why I'm not currently reporting."

"You don't have to tell me, Meredith," he assured her, offering her his hand so that he could help her stand from her chair. "I have my own…I'm not going to pry. I was just wondering."

"It's okay," she whispered as she rubbed her stomach. "But I really do think I might take this time to write a book. Or a blog or something about Oakbrook Falls. I feel like it has a story to tell."

"I think most small towns do,' he agreed as they walked out of the coffee shop together.

"Do you really like living here?" She asked him.

"I love it," he smiled widely. "It's…I needed peace and quiet when I moved here, I needed a change of pace. But it's more than that now. It's…I guess, it's just home. I can't imagine living anywhere else."

"It seems like it suits you," she shrugged.

"I think it does," he agreed and then frowned. "How did you do that?"

"Do what?" She grinned up at him.

"I asked you a question and somehow you ended up questioning me," he pointed out.

"Journalism powers," she laughed.

"I'm serious," he shook his head. "I know you say I'm a puzzle you can't figure out but I can't even get past the first page with you."

"You know I'm a journalist who isn't currently working," she pointed out. "And you know I'm pregnant with a baby girl and the dad isn't in the picture. And that I didn't handle the whole pregnancy thing well."

"I do, yeah," he agreed.

"And the rest…" she shrugged as she looked up at him, her green eyes serious. "I mean, slowly or whatever."

"Slowly," he echoed before looking up to see Patty standing at the door of the office. "Good morning, Patty."

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd," Patty nodded, her eyes flickering down. Derek followed her gaze and almost gasped when he saw his hand still holding Meredith's, their fingers entwined as they stood next to each other. "Good morning, Meredith."

"Meredith wanted to know if we could fit her in early," Derek explained as he quickly dropped Meredith's hand and reached into his pocket for his keys. He hadn't even noticed. Somehow, he had just walked through town holding Meredith's hand and he hadn't even noticed and he wasn't sure how to feel. "She wanted to see Baby Girl Grey again and I told her that shouldn't be a problem.'

"No, it shouldn't be," Patty smiled warmly at Meredith. "Come on back with me, honey. We'll get you weighed and changed before Dr. Shepherd comes in. It sure looks like your baby girl has been doing some growing."

"She definitely has," Meredith grinned proudly as she rested both of her hands on her belly. "She's moving like crazy now."

"Well, of course she is, she has a wonderful mommy," Patty nodded as she led Meredith through the dark office towards the exam rooms. Derek swallowed heavily as he reached to turn on the lights, his hand still tingling slightly. He didn't know how it had happened, he definitely hadn't meant to happen, and holding hands around town with Meredith was just going to get a lot of rumors started that he didn't want to deal with. He knew he had helped her out of her chair, but he had just figured he had dropped her hand. Except he clearly hadn't and his mind was starting to race as he dropped his briefcase in his office and tried to take a steadying breath.

It had been a rough morning. Before the coffee shop, he would have thought that his morning wasn't at all good and that he wasn't at his best today. But after one conversation with Meredith, he all but forgot about the talk with his mom or even looking at Alison's picture. Without even trying, Meredith had made him forget a hellish morning but he didn't actually know if he liked that. He liked being able to breathe, that felt amazing, but openly forgetting just felt…wrong. Or maybe it felt right and the fact it felt right felt wrong. He wasn't sure but he did know that he couldn't keep doing this, no matter how much he wanted to.

It was like there were two parts of him at war with each other and he didn't know which one to listen to. He had sworn to himself twenty years ago that he would atone for everything that had happened that night and it seemed more than logical to think that even thinking about being happy with Meredith fell in line with that atonement. But there was another voice, a voice he hadn't heard in two decades, telling him that she made him forget and she made it easier to breathe and she was beautiful, and that he should give in to all of the good things about her. And if he kept doing this thing where he accidentally held hands with her or kissed her, he had a feeling he would listen to the voice instead of his own common sense.

"Derek?" Patty knocked on his door before poking her head in. "Meredith's all set for you in exam room two. I also gave her the glucose for her screening."

"Thanks, Patty," he nodded as he reached for Meredith's chart. "Anything to be concerned about?"

"No," his nurse shook her head. "Blood pressure is normal and she's gained about five and a quarter pounds since her last appointment. No temperature and no dizziness or unusual swelling reported. She says she feels great."

"Good," he nodded. "Let's get the ultrasound machine in there. She really wants to see the baby and after last appointment, I can't say no."

"She mentioned she can't wait to see her," Patty stated as she moved in front of the door. "Did you know her before she came into this office, Derek?"

"What?" Derek frowned at her.

"Now you know I don't judge, but that woman is alone and she's going to need support and the daddy…"

"Patty, I had never met her before and I'm definitely not the daddy," Derek groaned as he rolled his eyes. "And that's all I'm saying about that so I'd like to see my patient now, if that's okay with you."

"Derek, there's no reason to get a tone with me," Patty scolded.

"There is when you think you can ask a question like that."

"No, there isn't," Patty stated. "I knew a lot of secrets about Dave, secrets he didn't want the rest of the town to know and I kept every last one of them. But he told me because he respected me enough to know that when we work like this, there can't be a lot of secrets. Now, he always told me you had your secrets and to let you have them, so I've done that much. But when it comes to my patients…"

"Patty, please," Derek sighed heavily. "I've had a rough morning and I just…she's alone in town and we have some similar interests. That's it. I just want to help her."

"Okay…" His nurse said carefully before stepping aside. "Let's do that exam then."

"Thank you," he mumbled as he brushed past her. His brain was about to go into panic mode, he could tell that much, but he couldn't let it happen. Meredith was here and she was here as his patient, which meant she deserved him at his best. He took a deep breath and forced a smile to form before he knocked on the door and then walked into the exam room. She was sitting up on the table, a gown pushed up over her growing belly and a paper sheet draped over her lower half. Her legs were swinging slightly and her fingers were trailing over her bump as she looked up and smiled at him.

"Patty says we're doing great so far," Meredith stated. "And I looked it up on my app, she's the size of a cantaloupe, which is kind of crazy."

"She is," Derek laughed softly as he felt his smile turn from a forced one to the real thing. "How was the glucose?"

"Disgusting," she wrinkled her nose. "You could have warned me."

"Where's the fun in that?" He shook his head as he washed his hands. "I'll examine you first and then we'll take a look at her, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith nodded eagerly before she rested back against the exam table. Derek sat down on his stool and nodded as her legs fell open.

"Cervix is good, no signs of preterm labor," he announced to Patty, who was taking notes in Meredith's chart. "No bleeding or cramping, right, Meredith?"

"I obviously would have told you about that," she rolled her eyes and he smirked slightly. "The biggest thing is my back. It's starting to get sore and the only thing that seems to help it is hiking at this point, which really sounds counter-intuitive."

"Your back hurts because of your growing uterus and baby," he informed her. "It's curving to support the weight. And staying active will help the aches and pains for now. I'd actually prefer it if you kept hiking."

"Okay," she breathed as he rolled back his stool and stood up. "Patty, can you go grab the ultrasound machine?"

"Yes, of course," Patty smiled warmly before she left the room. Derek turned back to Meredith and placed his hands on her belly, feeling her uterus and the baby's positioning as she watched his movements. He pressed slightly at her uterus, trying to get a feel for the placenta, and was immediately rewarded with a swift and hard kick from the little girl growing inside her.

"Hey, baby girl," Meredith admonished as her hand fell just next to his. "Don't be mean to Derek."

"She…she's getting strong," Derek murmured as the baby's head seemed to bump against his palm. He had felt his nieces and nephews move inside his sisters before and he had certainly felt the babies inside his patients. But just like he got a shock whenever he touched Meredith, there was something similar happening now. Maybe not a shock or a spark but something warmer and both incredibly familiar and strange all at once. "Hi, Baby Girl Grey," he heard himself whisper as he spread his palm over Meredith's belly.

"Now you're going to get her going," Meredith giggled as she sat up on her elbows to stare at her stomach. "Every time I'm around you, she goes crazy."

"You've said that before," he nodded, staring at her belly as the baby's little wiggles and kicks made the skin move. "Baby Girl Grey, can I ask why that is? Is my voice annoying?" The baby seemed to answer him with a gentle roll and he moved his hand slowly, following the lazy movements as a warmth he couldn't describe filled him. "I…sorry…I shouldn't…"

"Derek, it's okay," Meredith murmured, her fingers closing over his wrist and moving his hand slightly to where the baby seemed to be kicking her tiny feet, or maybe punching her tiny wrists. "She likes your voice, I think."

"Well, that's a pretty big compliment, Baby Girl Grey," he grinned. This was insane and definitely inappropriate, but he couldn't stop himself. Usually, he would have just laughed at the movement and let his patient enjoy it for a minute, but instead, he wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to let himself enjoy the pressure of Meredith's fingers on his wrist and the feel of the little girl growing inside her bumping against this hand. And the strangest part was that he not only felt like he could breathe, he felt like he wanted to. There wasn't a voice in his head screaming about atoning, but there was a new voice. It was quiet and unsure and he cocked his head to listen to it as he let Meredith move his hand again. But as quickly as the voice appeared it was gone when he heard Patty open the door and he quickly dropped his hand.

"Are you okay to manage by yourself, Derek?" Patty asked as she wheeled the machine inside. "The phone's ringing off the hook and Meg is running late. Her kiddo has that bug that's going around."

"That's been a nasty bug," Derek frowned as he grabbed the machine from her. "Call her and tell her to stay home with him. I'll bring by some Motrin for her later. And then call Mrs. Henderson and ask if she can take over for the day."

"Can do," Patty smiled at Meredith. "I'll see you in a bit for that blood draw, honey."

"Thanks, Patty," Meredith nodded, rubbing her stomach soothingly.

"I'll be done in here soon, Patty, if you want to tell patients to start coming now," Derek called after his nurse before turning his attention to the ultrasound machine.

"Does that bother you?" Meredith asked softly.

"Does what bother me?"

"The changes," she shrugged.

"Oh," he frowned slightly. "No. Things happen. I'm on call pretty much twenty-four seven here. It's just part of my job."

"No, I know. I just thought…" she trailed off and shrugged. "Maybe it's nothing."

"Routines are good and I have them," he recited as he put some gel on her stomach. "In my personal life."

"Okay," Meredith murmured as she turned her head to glance at the screen. Her green eyes were sparkling and a smile was pulling at the corner of her lips and Derek felt himself smile before turning on the machine. Her uterus immediately came into view and Derek moved the wand just as her tumbling baby girl filled the screen. "Hey there, baby girl," she immediately breathed.

"She says hi, mommy," Derek murmured as he shifted slightly so that they could see the baby in profile. She was curled up, a lot more than she had been at the last ultrasound, but her little feet were kicking and she was moving her head back and forth.

"She's really cute, isn't she?" She whispered, one of her hands moving along her belly as the other reached out to the screen. "Like really really cute."

"I think she's beautiful," Derek answered honestly, watching the tiny baby as the warmth moved through him again. "She's kind of making me wish I had splurged on a 3D ultrasound."

"Really? You've never wished it before?" Meredith giggled softly.

"Hmmm…" he shook his head. "I think she has your nose and I'd like to know if I'm right."

"Really?" Meredith gasped, sitting up slightly to get closer to the machine. "You can't tell that yet, can you?"

"I mean, just by looking at her profile," Derek shrugged as he pointed to the baby's tiny little nose. "I think that's your nose. And she has long fingers. So do you."

"You've noticed my fingers?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hmmm…" he shrugged, swallowing the guilt that rose up in him for a second. "Professional opinion is that she is beautiful."

"You said I was beautiful on the hike," she pointed out softly.

"I…yeah," he breathed the word, his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn't take his eyes off the baby on the screen and he almost jumped when he felt Meredith's fingers close around his wrist. She lifted his hand and rested it on her stomach as the baby turned and he closed his eyes for a second. There was the warmth and that strange familiar feeling, but then there were the flashing blue and red lights that made him pull his hand back quickly. "I…I'll print pictures for you."

"Okay," she nodded slowly, looking up at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I…" he took a deep breath as he printed off the pictures of Baby Girl Grey's profile. "She's doing really well, Meredith. Really, really well."

"She's beautiful," she smiled at him.

"She is," he agreed, handing her a towel. "Patty will be in soon to get your blood for the test and then I'll call you when we have the results."

"Derek…slow down," she ordered as she grabbed his wrist. She was frowning slightly and he felt the weirdest urge to make the frown go away somehow. "What is this?"

"I think I'm about to get busy here," he shrugged.

"No, that's not it," she shook her head quickly and then sighed. "I can't fit."

"I…neither of you can fit," he whispered softly as his eyes moved over her stomach, her skin rippling with the baby's movements. "Neither of you…" He trailed off and turned to her chart, swallowing back against the panic that was rising in his throat. "Are you good to chill out for an hour?"

"Yeah, of course," Meredith nodded, even if her voice sounded a little different, sad almost. "Can I come say goodbye?"

"Oh…" he nodded as he looked over his shoulder at her. "Yeah, of course. I might be busy…but yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay," Derek echoed before turning to walk out of the room that was feeling a little too small. He hated this. He hated that all he could see was the blue and red lights. He hated that he had swallowed a bottle of painkillers one day and made his mom worry that he would do it again every single day. He hated that he couldn't let Meredith fit into his life in any kind of way that would probably help him. And really, more than anything, he hated that he was mad about any of it. This was his punishment. It was his punishment for being late, for being forgetful. Twenty years ago, he had destroyed more lives than he could even stand to think about and he deserved everything that had happened afterwards. He shouldn't be mad about it, he shouldn't be fighting the urge to punch a wall or maybe turn around and kiss Meredith. Right now, all he should be doing was walking away and trying to ignore the surge of pain he had refused to allow back into his life for the last eighteen years. He didn't have to face it again, he didn't have to acknowledge it. For years, he had found a barrier to it, and he couldn't just knock it down in the search of a kind of absolution he didn't deserve.

_Life takes it's toll_

_You push and it pulls_

_You're losing control_

**_Author's Note: When I first came up with the idea for this fic, I asked a couple people whether or not they thought Derek could ever attempt suicide. As those people answered with "I don't think so, I don't think he could hurt his parents like that", it hit me that I was asking a question that society sets up for us. We're taught that only the weak attempt suicide, or that there's something inherently bad or selfish about suicide. The fact is, anyone can get to that point in their lives. There is no one kind of person or character who could attempt suicide. In the end, it's the final symptom of a mental illness that has beaten up the person. And so, I ultimately went with my gut. Derek suffers from PTSD and survivor's guilt and the first couple of years of that would have been incredibly overwhelming. I do want to say, as a person who has also been there, if you are feeling this way, remind yourself that your depression is not telling you the truth, and that people do care. Reach out to those people, if you can. And if you know anyone who you think might be at that point, please reach out to them. And never, ever be afraid to talk about your mental health._**


	12. The First Snow

**Chapter 12- The First Snow**

In the last week, his nightmares had started coming almost constantly. Whatever defenses he had against his own brain weren't enough at this time of the year, and no amount of routine could stop the almost constant replay in his brain. During the day, he tried to fight the flashbacks, and he was usually successful. Not always since the town had been decorated with fairy lights for the holidays, but he was usually able to bring himself back from the daze he would fall into if he heard honking or his cell phone rang. But there was nothing he could do at night except go through it until he woke up panting. Or screaming. The screaming had started the night before and he hated that his throat was feeling a little sore.

He was starting to hope for middle of the night house calls. It was fall, the weather was getting colder as they prepared for the first snow, and a bad virus was going around town. Parents had been calling him all week, at all hours, and he had actually enjoyed it. There was a possibility he was running on fumes but it was better than laying in bed all night, terrified to sleep. He was helping his community and that seemed like a good trade off, even if he had heard a few rumors about him working too hard. Though really, the town was used to this and they actually didn't seem to have much of a problem with how much he worked when they needed him. So every night, he just prayed that he would get a phone call or a text asking him to come.

But for the last two nights, his phone had been quiet and his throat was almost raw from screaming. Patty had made him tea all day in concern that he was getting sick, and he hated to think how bad he must look at this point. Every year, he swore it wouldn't be this bad. He figured sooner or later it would get easier and his brain would stop torturing him. But that wasn't happening and he didn't want to go back to sleep after the last nightmare. He could still feel the glass in his hand, could hear the beeping of an unbuckled seat belt, and he swore he could smell gasoline. None of it was real. He knew none of it was real. He was in Oakbrook Falls, it was two o'clock in the morning, and he was safe. That's what it all came down to. He was safe here.

He took a slow deep breath and then moved out of his bed, running his fingers through his hair. Twenty years. Tomorrow would be twenty years since the accident and his brain was just messing with him. The slight ache in his ribs and right leg was completely imaginary and happened every year. But it wasn't even that pain that made this as bad as it was. His chest hurt tonight, it was tight and he felt like he couldn't get a good breath in, but it was even more than that. It all felt so fresh tonight, like he was just waking up in the hospital, his parents crowding him with sadness written all over their faces, just before they told him what was happening. He didn't think he could ever forget that horrifying moment and he felt like if he slept, he would have that nightmare. He would hear what he had done, the pain he had caused.

So instead he was just going to try not to sleep. His mom had been right, he wasn't going to go to work tomorrow, and with any luck, he would be able to go out for a hike and just be alone for the day. It was usually what he did and judging from the peek he had taken at the appointment calendar, Patty had already figured as much. No sleep was his best approach, but he wasn't sure what to do after that. He could try to watch TV, but he would he would more than likely fall asleep in front of it. He could try to catch up on some reading but that seemed likely to knock him out too. There wasn't much he could do at two o'clock in the morning in Oakbrook Falls and before he knew it, he found himself in front of his desk, his shaking hand opening the drawer.

There were six pictures inside the drawer. Six pictures that would remind him of everything that had been destroyed that night and torturing himself seemed like something he should be doing on the twentieth anniversary. If he was ever going to atone for that night, he needed to be sure he actually remembered it. Not that he had ever really let himself forget it but today of all days…he shook his head as his fingers brushed over a couple of the pictures and then he quickly closed the drawer. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but he didn't know how to do it tonight when he was trying so hard to just not drown in the past. And if he was being honest with himself, he was getting tired of all of it. He was tired of the flashbacks and the moments of panic and while he knew he deserved it, he just wanted things to not hurt.

He had been craving normalcy more and more lately, and it made guilt spread through him like a wildfire. A month ago, he hadn't thought his life was all that abnormal. He knew he had his routines and his quirks, but they worked for him. He had thought he was happy and satisfied here in Oakbrook Falls, and he had been fine with working towards atonement for what had happened twenty years ago. But then at the worst possible time, an adorable pregnant journalist had fallen quite literally into his ordered life and now all his brain did was argue about whether or not to get to know her more. He wasn't even sure he wanted to date her, he just wanted to be able to explore whatever the hell was there without feeling guilty about it.

But it really was the worst possible time and he hated himself for even thinking about it, especially right now. He was exhausted, his whole body ached with it, and he shouldn't even be wishing for more. Twenty years ago, he had destroyed lives and he should be thinking about that right now. That was what mattered and he had no idea why he couldn't get his brain to realize that. He should have been looking at the pictures, reminding himself of what had been decimated that night. He deserved the nightmares that bordered on night terrors. But there was still the voice in his head, the one that had appeared during Meredith's last appointment that was getting louder by the day, insisting that it would be okay for him to not punish himself every day for the next forty years.

His breath was starting to come in short gasps and he shook his head as he walked back into his room to change from his pajamas into jeans and a heavy sweater. He could walk. It would be insane to go for a hike at this time of the night but he could at least go for a walk around the town and just try to clear his head. The house just felt too small and the pictures were too tempting when it came to self-flagellation. It would be so easy to lose himself in that tonight and his hands were shaking and his chest was tight and he just needed to get out. He grabbed his jacket and tied up his boots before walking out his front door, right into a classic Oakbrook Falls winter wonderland.

Apparently it had started snowing at some point, and now the town was covered as snowflakes fell in a thick blanket around him. He loved snow, he genuinely loved how the town looked when it was covered in snow, and now there was something soothing about the way it fell around him now. He could barely see ten feet in front of him which was the perfect distraction from the town's fairy light decorations that lit up the snowy night. If he let himself see the fairy lights, he would think about what his parents' backyard had probably looked like that night, when Alison had been so excited about their party. But thinking about that just led to a panic attack and he needed to clear his head.

He shoved his hands into the pocket of his jacket as he walked down the street, focusing on his feet crunching through the gathering snow. His breathing was coming easier now and the cold seemed to have worked its way into his brain enough that he didn't want to think about anything else. He had lived in Oakbrook Falls for eighteen years now, and it always surprised him how quiet it was at night. He had seen the town fall and then rise again, had seen it at its very worst, but his favorite part was at night, when the rest of the town was sleeping and he could just breathe. He usually saw it on his way home from a house call, but tonight seemed different somehow. It probably had something to do with where his mind was right now, but he was sure he had never felt more comfortable in any place than he did here.

Moving to Oakbrook Falls had been his last ditch effort to start a new chapter of his life. Sometimes he felt like he had actually burned the previous book that was his life and this had been the start of a new book entirely. He kind of figured he had done a good job with the writing of this book, even if too much of the past book had bled into his life here. But on most days, he was a successful town doctor who was well-respected and his life felt…well, he wasn't sure how it felt. He had thought this book was going well until…he took a deep breath and looked up, frowning slightly when he saw a figure on the other side of the street. It was too late and too cold for anyone to be out, but especially for a petite pregnant woman with blonde hair.

Of course she would be out and about right now. He wanted peace and quiet, he wanted to avoid everything having to do with his twisted brain right now, but she was here. He could avoid her, it was possible for him to keep walking in the snow, but the magnetic force that always seemed to exist somewhere between them was pulling him and he sighed heavily as he crossed the snow-covered street. "Meredith?" He called.

"Derek?" She turned in the snowflake blanket, her hand resting over her swollen stomach. She was bundled in a winter coat that was belted over the spot her baby was growing and he had the brief thought that she looked adorable in her purple winter hat.

"What are you doing out here?" Derek frowned as he gently grasped her elbow. "It's two in the morning and it's freezing out here."

"My calves are cramping and she kicks like crazy whenever I lay down," Meredith shrugged. "So I thought I'd take a walk and…I don't know…rock her to sleep or something?"

"Is it working?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I think she's starting to relax a bit," she rubbed her belly. "What about you? House call?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just…couldn't sleep."

"So you decided to take a walk in the middle of a snow storm?"

"It's just some snow," he shrugged as a snowflake hit her nose. "TV wasn't helping so…a walk sounded good."

"Do you mind if we keep walking?" She asked. "Now that she's heard your voice, she's back full force."

"I swear I'm not doing it on purpose," he laughed softly, glancing down at her belly. "You don't have to get so excited every time I'm around, Baby Girl Grey."

"I've tried to explain it to her but…" Meredith shrugged as she ran a gloved hand over her stomach. His own hand flexed slightly against her elbow and he tried to ignore the urge to feel the baby move again. It had been a thrill at his office last week, but he couldn't keep doing it. "Walking?"

"Definitely walking," Derek agreed, squeezing her elbow as they both started walking again on the snowy side walk. He was pretty sure her stomach had gotten bigger in the last week, at least it looked like it from the side. Right now, she just sounded and looked a little exhausted, which was probably normal for a woman who was twenty-five weeks pregnant.

"Why can't you sleep?" She asked, looking up at him. There were snowflakes in her blond waves, her green eyes were dark with concern, and he could feel his lungs expanding with the first real breath he had taken all day.

"Oh," he breathed. "It's not…I…tomorrow is the twentieth anniversary."

"Twentieth…" Meredith frowned and then she stopped in the middle of the side walk, her hand immediately reaching for his. "Of Alison's death?"

"Of the accident, yeah," he whispered, ducking his head down. If he looked at her, he would be able to breathe, or he would be tempted to kiss her, and he was sure doing that tonight would make him a worse person than he actually thought he was.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, squeezing his hand tightly.

"Thanks," he sighed, running his free hand through his hair. "I just don't sleep well."

"I think that makes sense," she nodded before turning to walk back down the street, their fingers still entwined. "I was actually just thinking…the town looks amazing at night."

"Doesn't it?" He agreed.

"I mean, the snow definitely adds a nice touch, but just how…sometimes quiet places can be creepy and you really don't get a lot of quiet in Manhattan but this…" she took a deep breath, a smile growing on her face.

"It's peaceful," he supplied.

"Exactly," she grinned up at him. "Maybe I should have started taking late night walks when I first got here. It might have helped with the whole clearing of the mind thing."

"I think the snow helps," he nodded, squeezing her hand slightly. "So you're trying to clear your mind on top of getting her to sleep?"

"I'm pretty much constantly trying to work through everything in my brain," she admitted, her free hand working over her belly soothingly. "She's just a reminder that I can't keep pretending I have things worked out when I don't."

"What do you need to work out?"

"Oh…I…" Meredith trailed off, chewing on her lip. The snow was getting heavier now and he was starting to get the feeling it was surrounding them as they walked. It felt like they were inside a snow globe and instead of feeling claustrophobic at that thought, it actually made Derek's hands finally stop shaking. "I slept with my boss."

"What?" Derek frowned.

"You asked last week why I'm not reporting," she pointed out. "Actually you said journaling. You said I'm a journalist and I'm not journaling anything which is…is that an actual verb? I think it's like…a new verb that therapists came up with to suggest to people to write down their crazy but…journalists don't do journaling or whatever."

"Meredith…" He squeezed her hand. "Rambling."

"Right. Sorry," she breathed as she shook her head. "I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. It's not…I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to say anything but it's two in the morning and you asked and my brain is full."

"Hey, take a deep breath," he whispered as he stopped in the sidewalk again and turned her so that she was facing him. "You're kind of freaking out and…take a deep breath."

"Sorry," she repeated, taking a slow deep breath before she glanced down at her belly. "I slept with my boss. Three times. It was three times and then a couple of other…the point is, I slept with my boss. Which was so incredibly stupid on so many levels. It was just…he's gorgeous in this…sophisticated bad boy kind of way? I had worked with him for years and had always thought he was…and then one day I got up the courage and we had sex in his office."

"Okay…" he said carefully and then felt a thought coming through the fog in his brain. "He's her dad."

"He's the sperm donor," she corrected as she laughed harshly. "He's…he doesn't want anything to do with her. He called her a bunch of DNA and offered me six hundred dollars for an abortion with his own private guy who he had on speed dial. So obviously I wasn't the first idiot to decide I should fuck him."

"Shit," Derek whispered, pulling on her hand slightly so that he could pull her into his arms for a tight hug. "He…did he fire you for getting pregnant? For deciding to keep her?"

"He has no idea that I decided to go through with it," she whispered into his neck, her breath hot against his skin as he ran his hand up and down her curving back. She stayed for a second in his arms, snow gathering on her purple cap, and then she pulled back. "And no, he didn't fire me because I got pregnant. He…officially, I was laid off, you know, part of cuts."

"What's the unofficial story?"

"He found out I had started looking elsewhere after our last…after we conceived her," she explained. "People starting calling him and…he got me blacklisted. There's not a magazine or newspaper outlet in the world that wants me right now. So after he had successfully blacklisted me, he decided he didn't want a disloyal person on his team."

"That's…" Derek trailed off as he shook his head.

"Diabolical?" Meredith offered. "It's just…pure evil. And my sister and best friend told me to go to HR but even he knows this wasn't some Me Too thing. I had sex with my boss three times because I really wanted to and then he found out I was looking. It's not…of course, neither of us could have predicted her."

"Is he going to help you?" He asked softly, reaching to gently brush some tears off her cheeks with the pad of his thumb.

"I haven't heard from him since that day," she answered as she leaned into his touch. "My whole life turned upside down and then I freaked out and moved here because I couldn't stand to be in Manhattan anymore. And my sister keeps asking me when I'm coming back because I need to find a new place and start a nursery and…I don't know if I want to go back. I don't think I want to go back. So I keep thinking I could just write a book or start something of my own that could pay me or something. But starting on my own…I'm about to have a newborn. I kind of have to provide for her."

"Hence the working things out," he nodded slowly as he pulled back from her and took a deep breath. He didn't know what to do. He had the urge to hug her, to pull her into his arms and promise that everything would be okay, but he couldn't do that. Tonight, especially, he could not give into the urge to comfort her. "I…can I ask a question?"

"You're stealing my line again," she smiled tightly and then nodded.

"Why did you decide to keep her?"

"Oh…" she breathed as both of her hands moved to her belly, almost cradling the soccer ball sized bump. "I don't…I'm thirty-eight? I vaguely knew I wanted kids but then she was there and…I'm thirty-eight and I didn't really have any good daddy prospects so I figured this might be my only shot."

"That makes sense," he nodded slowly.

"And now I love her," she grinned. "I feel her move and I just…I have this little person growing inside me and she's going to be a little person who is mine in a few months. I honestly can't imagine not having her now."

"Hmmm…" he breathed, looking down at her. Her cheeks were a rosy pink from the cold, there were snowflakes gathered on her eyelashes, and no matter what the part of Derek who reminded him that he needed to atone for what he had done said, he couldn't stop himself from moving his hand over one of hers that rested on her stomach. "Baby Girl Grey, you are really lucky to have such an amazing mom."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, her eyes sparkling as she squeezed his fingers. "I…will you be her pediatrician if I stay?"

"Happily," Derek assured her softly.

"Good," she breathed as her other hand moved to her lower back, which she arched slightly.

"Sore?" He frowned.

"A little."

"Do you want to head back home?" He asked, dropping her hand.

"No," she shook her head and then pointed at bench by the park. "Sitting for a few minutes might be good. Unless…I mean, if you want to be alone…"

"I…Meredith, I've been alone all night and all it's done is made my brain…being with you helps," he finished, reaching for her elbow to lead her through the snow towards the bench. He knew he had to stop using her like this, he knew it was wrong. She was pregnant and alone after being used by an asshole who had also ruined her professional life. The last thing she needed was to be used as some sort of emotional crutch by an asshole who ruined people's lives. But she did help, and if he was going to handle tomorrow at all, he needed to be able to breathe for at least a little bit longer. He reached down to brush snow off the bench and then watched her sit down slowly before loosening the belt of her jacket so that it fell open a little bit. "Are you good?"

"Really good," Meredith confirmed as she snuck her hand under her sweater. He sat down next to her, stretching his legs out in front of him as a soft breeze blew snowflakes sideways. She didn't shiver or turn away from it, she just sat there in a soft silence and he turned his attention from her to take in the park. It was covered in fairy lights and he waited for the sirens, for the flashing lights, and the sharp stench of fresh blood. But it didn't come and leaned his head back to feel the snowflakes against his skin.

He hadn't really felt comfortable with people since the accident. Everyone in his life reminded him of what had happened somehow, and he always felt like he was missing the vital part of a person that made them able to connect with other people. But right now he was sitting in silence with Meredith and it felt like some kind of new experience. He wasn't scared right now or panicky and he almost felt tired, but in the best of ways. His eyes opened again and he looked around the park before reaching for Meredith's hand. "I proposed to her on November 3, 1999."

"What?" Meredith turned to look at him.

"Alison," he whispered, swallowing hard. He didn't talk about it and he didn't think he could say everything, that he could even access the worst parts of what had happened that night. "I proposed to her at a party her best friend was throwing. We…her best friend had known I was going to do it and…Alison was wearing a pink dress with blue flowers. I have a picture of us at the party in my desk drawer."

"Okay," Meredith whispered as she turned on the bench to grasp his hand with both of hers.

"When we told our parents…my mom's really big into the holidays," he explained quietly. "She wanted to throw us an engagement party but she wanted to do it before the craziness of Thanksgiving and Christmas. So they all got really into planning it. My mom, her mom, my sisters…my fourteen year old sister, Sophie, she got really into it and demanded our backyard be decorated in fairy lights. Alison thought it would be pretty, something about candles…I don't know."

"Fairy lights," she whispered as she looked out at the park.

"I was an intern, neurosurgery," he told her as he closed his eyes. "The day of the engagement party…it was ten days later. Everyone had been running around like crazy that day but I had a shift. I had a shift and I scrubbed into a surgery that ran late." He took a deep breath, opening his eyes as he turned to look into Meredith's green-gold eyes. "When we…we were in the car when my brother called to ask if I had paid the bartender. I hadn't, and even worse, I realized I had forgotten my wallet at the hospital."

"Derek…breathe," she told him and he smiled sadly at her as he took a deep breath, fighting the flashback that was starting to come over him.

"When…the car…it was just going to be a u-turn," he whispered, sucking in a deep breath again, shaking his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't describe what he had seen that night, what he had woken up to in the wreckage. Meredith trusted him and she wanted to be around him, and selfishly, he wasn't ready to lose that. He didn't want her to know just how many lives he had ruined that night, or since. "I…I woke up in the hospital with a concussion, a broken wrist, and a couple of broken ribs."

"And Alison was…" she whispered.

"In a coma," he answered in a strained voice. "Subdural hematoma with a midline shift, a broken pelvis…there wasn't much of her that wasn't…the doctors were never hopeful but her parents…" There was nothing else he could say about Alison's parents. He couldn't detail what they had gone through, what kind of news they had gotten that day. Right now, all he could remember was Alison's dad refusing him entry into her ICU room, and he couldn't even blame him for it. "She died on December ninth."

"Derek, I'm so sorry," she whispered and suddenly her arms were around him, squeezing him tightly. The hug was forceful and powerful and he pulled her as close as he could, gripping her as he fought the flashbacks of the weeks and months afterwards. She kept them away, she kept him right here in Oakbrook Falls in 2019 instead of Manhattan in 1999. Sometimes he felt like a balloon that would float away, back through time and to that moment when his dad had gripped his hand and told him about Alison. Or back to the day of her funeral, when he had made his dad drive him to the cemetery so that he could at least see it from afar. But Meredith kept him here, far away from the sirens and blood.

"I…I don't know why I told you,' he whispered as he pulled back from her and rubbed his cheeks. "I blame the fairy lights."

"Do you tell most people?" She asked softly.

"No one here knows," he shook his head.

"Thank you for telling me," she murmured. "You…do you miss her?"

"Hmmm…" he shrugged, looking down at his boots. "I try…I can't remember what she sounded like or how she took her coffee. I still…I look at her picture and I know I still love her, in some way. But it's not enough."

"Not enough?" Meredith frowned.

"It's…" Derek shook his head, his chest tightening slightly. He didn't know how to explain to Meredith about atonement. He didn't know how to explain that letting Alison disappear slowly from his life had made it all so much worse, or even that he had been desperately trying to make her come alive in his mind again. It was too complicated and too big and it made his brain race at the mere idea of how she would react to it all.

"Hey," she whispered as she reached for his hand and squeezed tightly.

"Hey," he smiled back at her.

"Do you like hot cocoa?"

"What?" He laughed, the sound almost getting trapped in his throat as he wiped his eyes.

"It's cold," she pointed out, rubbing his hand. "It's cold and it's two thirty in the morning and you…I mean, there are fairy lights everywhere so I was just thinking that maybe…I mean, I have hot cocoa at my place."

"Oh…" he breathed. It was probably innocent and she was obviously cold and didn't need to be out here right now. It would be ridiculous for him to say no, especially when he was terrified to get back to his house and take out the photos, which would only lead to more nightmares and screaming. He took a deep breath and then nodded before he stood. "Hot cocoa sounds great."

"Good," she grinned as she held out her hand. "Help me up?"

"Of course," Derek nodded, grasping her hands to pull her up slowly. The second she was standing, her arms wrapped around him and she held on tightly, rubbing his back as he curved his body around her growing stomach and rested his hands on her back. He took a slow deep breath, letting the smell of flowers and snow fill his senses as every inch of his body seemed to relax. His hands moved lazily up her back until his fingers found her long blonde waves and he pulled gently at the strands as he breathed.

"Better?" She whispered.

"Hmmm…" he whispered as he pulled back from her. "Let's get you inside and warm. I think this is going to be more than a little bit of snow and you and Baby Girl Grey should be warm."

"I really need to choose a name," she laughed as he grabbed her hand and led her out of the park. "Baby Girl Grey is such a mouthful."

"Do you have any ideas?" He asked.

"I love Rory, Abigail, Ariana, and Hailey," she listed. "And I have a few more names on the maybe list that could become loves."

"What about a middle name?"

"Either Alexandra or Hillary," she answered, curling into his side as they walked, their hands squished between them. "After my sister or best friend."

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Well, if it's Hailey, you probably can't do Hillary. And if it's Abigail or Ariana, it can't be Alexandra."

"I know," she nodded. "Right now I'm leaning towards Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"That's pretty," he smiled down at her. "My sister, Emily, would always say the name and if the baby reacted a certain way, then she knew it was the right name."

"I don't know if I'll go that route," Meredith giggled softly. "But I may try each name out over the next couple of days and see which one sounds right."

"I think that sounds reasonable," Derek murmured as they walked together towards her house. He wasn't going to think about what was happening tonight. He knew what he should be doing, he knew what he would be doing tomorrow, but he was so tired of thinking and hurting and being with Meredith just made sense right now. He could sit with her and drink hot cocoa and talk abut baby names and maybe just…be normal for a few hours. It sounded so tempting, so freeing, and he absolutely refused to let himself feel anything else.

"I'll start with Hailey," she grinned as she looked down at her stomach. "Hailey Alexandra Grey, it would be really nice of you to actually sleep like the app swears you do."

"How did that sound?" Derek laughed.

"I like it," she laughed and then looked up at him. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" He asked.

"I…if you want to talk about it or…"

"No," he shook his head. "I just…I don't want to talk about it right now. You…you know about it and that's fine but I can't…I just want to not feel like I'm drowning."

"Drowning," Meredith echoed.

"It's how I've felt every day since," he explained softly. "And then you come along and…at least for a few hours, give me a break and let me come up for air."

"But…" she started and then squeezed his hand tightly. "I'm glad."

"But?" He asked.

"Nothing…it's…" she shook her head. "We're going to drink hot cocoa and warm up."

"Okay," he whispered. He had a feeling he knew what the but had been about but he couldn't think about it. He didn't want to use her, didn't want her to feel used, but his brain and body were exhausted at this point. He pulled at her hand slightly and then dropped it as he wrapped his arm around her. She had to be tired and she was definitely sore, but she didn't pause as they walked up to her house. "How's our poltergeist?"

"We definitely got rid of him," she laughed softly, kicking off her boots and then taking off her jacket. Her heater had to be on full blast and he took off his own jacket as she walked down the hallway towards her kitchen and he quickly followed her.

"I'm glad we did," he nodded. "Do you need any help?"

"I'm good, Derek," she giggled as she got milk out of her fridge. For the first time, he realized she was in fleece leggings and a fleece hoodie that she had unzipped to reveal a t-shirt that hugged her soccer ball stomach tightly. The purple cap was still on her head and he shook his head slightly as he sat on one of the barstools. He wasn't sure how a woman could be beautiful and adorable at once, but Meredith was and he was too tired to even try to censor his thoughts right now. "So besides hiking, what else makes you happy?"

"What?" He looked up at her.

"Besides hiking and being a surgeon, what else do you like to do?"

"I…fishing," he offered. "Camping. Anything in nature, really."

"Then Oakbrook Falls definitely makes sense for you," she grinned as she put two mugs of milk in the microwave. "Your turn."

"My turn?" He cocked his head to the side.

"To ask a question."

"Oh…I didn't realize we were doing the question game," he laughed, shaking his head. "I…guilty pleasure?"

"Property Brothers," she announced immediately.

"What are the property brothers?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"The Property Brothers are two brothers from Canada who help people find new houses that they completely remodel," she explained. "First of all, they're hot. Second, the people on any and all HGTV shows are so stupid and shouldn't be together and say the stupidest things. Seriously, every time someone complains about paint colors, I'm convinced a kitten dies."

"They do know they can just repaint, right?" He asked.

"Stupid people apparently don't realize that," she laughed, opening the microwave and pouring instant hot cocoa mix into the steaming mugs. "Come on."

"Come on?"

"We're going to the living room," she explained before handing him his mug. "I have the HGTV app on my Roku and I can literally watch these shows for hours."

"So we're going to watch it now?" He laughed, shaking his head as he followed her back towards her living room.

"It's the best distraction in the world," she stated as she grabbed a remote, turned on her TV and then slipped off her hoodie before falling back onto the couch against a pile of pillows. She shifted slightly and then seemed to relax against the pillows, one hand draped draped over her stomach as the other held her mug.

"Comfy?" He asked as he sat down next to her.

"Relatively speaking," she shrugged before smiling at him. "She's moving again because you're here and I'm sitting down."

"Sorry," he laughed softly, shaking his head before leaning over. "Hailey, give your Mom a break."

"That really does sound good," Meredith grinned, looking down at her belly.

"Happy to help," he smiled at her before turning his attention to the TV. Two guys who liked twins were on the TV and they were talking to a young family with two kids who wanted to move out of their parents' basement. Meredith was making little side comments and he kept waiting to go off into the world where there was broken glass and Alison's broken body. But it was just quiet and peaceful and comfortable.

"I didn't ask," she turned to him as she cradled her mug. "Do you have a guilty pleasure?"

"I…not really, no," he shook his head as he turned on the couch to face her. "I should probably get one but…not really."

"That's sad," she shook her head. "Everyone should have a guilty pleasure."

"Does Scotch count?" He asked.

"I don't think so," she giggled softly as she shifted against her pillows.

"Hey," he reached for her hand. "Back or Hailey?"

"Hailey," she answered, a smile growing on her lips. She lifted his hand and put it on her belly and he paused for a moment, holding his breath until he felt the baby's insistent wiggles. If he hadn't been warmed up from the walk in the snow already, he would be now. It was a warmth the started deep inside him and spread almost immediately. His fingers twitched and before he even registered his moments, he bent down closer to her stomach, smiling at the quick punch from Baby Girl Grey.

"Hey, Hailey," he said softly. "You might know me as Dr. Shepherd. Or Derek. Your mom has called me both and she says you move when I'm around. So, as your mom's doctor and your future doctor, I think we need to have a talk about this. I'm flattered that you want to say hi whenever I'm here but…maybe give your mom a break, okay? Just…rest. It's really late and I'm pretty sure your mom is going to give you a bed time one day so…just go to sleep."

"Derek…" Meredith and he turned his head to look up at her. She was still wearing the purple cap, but her eyes were shining that amazing green-gold color and he felt his heart stop for a second. It was the only way he could realistically describe it and he took a deep breath as he sat up, his hand still resting on her stomach as his other reached up to slip the cap off her head. She looked adorable and beautiful and so unlike anyone he could have ever imagined. He ran his fingers through her hair and then slid them along her jawline before shifting to press his lips gently along hers. "Oh…"

Her sigh was breathy and encouraging and he pulled at her hair slightly before trailing his tongue along hers. It felt right and perfect and he felt like he had just jumped out of the deepest ocean, like he finally had enough breath in his lungs to actually function again. They pressed small kisses along each other's lips as they both moved, shifting their bodies along each other until Meredith was practically sitting on his lap. Her rounded body seemed to settle against his and he moved his hand away from her belly so that he could run his hands along her thighs, balancing her as their lips found each other again.

"Derek," she whispered, resting her forehead against his. "Hey."

"Hey," he smiled, running his hand up and down her side.

"Stop for a second," she whispered as she closed her eyes and then opened them again. They were soft and dark and he reached his hands up to cup her cheeks. "I want this. I really, really, really want this."

"I know," he murmured.

"But tomorrow is the anniversary," she murmured, her own hands moving to his cheeks. "And I don't want to be…I don't want you to run out of here, regretting something or never wanting to talk to me again or…"

"Meredith," he sighed.

"No, I know, I'm beautiful and I make you forget and I make it easy for you to breathe," she said quickly, taking one of his hands and placing it on her belly. "But I have Hailey and I really, really need to stop making mistakes with men if I'm going to be a mom. I need to…and I'm not saying you would be a mistake because…the point is, I really want this to happen and I don't know if you do or if you're trying to hide your pain in kissing the pregnant journalist who won't leave you alone."

"Mer…" he shook his head, shortening her name in a way that felt all too familiar.

"Tell me if we keep kissing, you won't freak out and everything will be okay," she ordered.

"I can't say that," he whispered, swallowing heavily as he spread his fingers over her belly. "I can't…I haven't…I don't know what I'm doing right now."

"Okay," she whispered as she nodded, kissed him lightly, and then climbed off his lap. "Do…you can stay the night if you want. You can stay here, on the couch, if you want and watch Property Brothers or…"

"Mer, you don't have to offer that," he shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," she insisted. "Please don't…don't think you did something to me because you didn't. The only reason I stopped kissing you is Hailey."

"Hmmm…" he glanced down at her stomach. "You have the best mommy ever, Hailey."

"I'm trying," Meredith smiled softly and Derek took a deep breath as he stood. "You really don't have to leave."

"Yes, I do," he smiled at her. "You and Hailey need sleep and I…it's the twentieth anniversary."

"It is," she nodded.

"I'll be hiking tomorrow," he explained as he reached for his jacket.

"In the snow?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Definitely in the snow," he nodded, zipping up his jacket and then turned to look at her. Her cheeks were pink, her hair was messy, and he took another deep breath. "Have a good night, Meredith."

"Thanks," she smiled, rubbing her stomach. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Call me if you…I mean, I can listen if you want," she offered quietly.

"Thanks, Mer," he breathed. "Get some rest."

"You, too," she whispered as she reached for a light purple blanket. Derek walked out of her house into the blanket of snow and took what would probably be his last breath for the next month. He wasn't sure what was happening in his brain, or why he would think it was okay to kiss Meredith tonight. Even if he weren't trying to make up for what he had done, he had just told her about his dead fiancee and that had to be fresh on her mind. He just…he didn't know how to describe what happened in his brain whenever he was around Meredith. He didn't know why he wanted to feel her baby move or why he had been so desperate to kiss her. All he knew was that with every step he took to go home, he felt like the water was rising over his head again. It would be so easy to turn around and go back to Meredith, but he needed to just go home. He didn't need to ruin her or Hailey's lives, too.

_I need to know just how you feel, _

_To comfort you; _

_I need to find the key let me in, _

_Into your heart, _

_To find your soul._


	13. A Decision Made

**Chapter 13- A Decision Made**

She was not going to call him. No matter how much she wanted to call in to check on her doctor and the guy that she was obviously attracted to, she was not going to call or text or really do anything at all to be in his business or space or whatever. She desperately wanted to, there was no point in denying it, but it had been two days since she and Derek had met up in the middle of a snowy night, and she could not be the one to make the first move here. He was depressed and going through a lot, and she could not be the person who just decided to cut into that. She had found the missing puzzle piece and it was more devastating than she had ever imagined. Not only was his fiancee dead, but he had blamed himself for her death and the last twenty years of his life had been…she couldn't even imagine what they had been like. She had a million more questions but she couldn't be that person. She couldn't just call him up and go back to where they started.

Not that she really understood where they had started. She had no idea how the night had gone from him opening up to her about the death of his fiancee to them making out on her couch, but it had. Her brain had been going a mile a minute at that point, trying to sort through the information of Alison's injury and eventual death and then the sensations that had been rushing through her body as they kissed. And then her baby daughter had moved inside her and Meredith had felt an overwhelming urge to protect her little girl. They hadn't been in any kind of danger and it was clear that Derek cared about little Hailey Grey, but he was damaged enough to send out the kind of alarm bells that had made her make the horrible decision to climb off his lap and just…go to bed.

Derek didn't date. He didn't date and he was perpetually single and he was obviously still grieving Alison. None of that was exactly the recipe for any kind of successful relationship and if Meredith was going to be a good mom, that was what she had to be looking for. Her days of one night stands and short-lived affairs had to be over because her daughter deserved more than that. She wasn't sure she really wanted a relationship, but she did know that she couldn't do anything that could negatively affect her little girl. She had been wondering if she would be a good mom and apparently choosing her little girl over the incredibly sexy doctor who kissed like a devil or something. Old Meredith would have ridden that wave right into her bedroom, but this was new Meredith and she didn't want to be the girl Derek avoided his pain with.

The really shitty thing about this was that she was pretty sure she could actually really like Derek Shepherd. He was funny when he let himself be and he obviously cared about every single person in the town. He was kind and understanding and he could cook and there was just…this really long list of all the things she liked about him. Derek was the guy her parents had always wanted for her, and it killed her to know that it would probably never happen. She didn't completely understand why he was still grieving Alison so strongly, but questioning it was just wrong. He had loved her, he had wanted to marry her, and she had no right to ask him to move on. It had to be his choice and really, if he hadn't done it by now, there was no way she could ask him to. She didn't know a lot about grieving, but she knew it was about what Derek needed right now. And he had clearly needed his day to grieve.

So she wasn't going to call him to make sure he was doing okay. Chris had mentioned that Derek had already stopped by when she had gone to the coffee shop and she could only figure he had probably gone into work early. The town didn't operate very well when Derek wasn't readily available to them so she was sure it would be a crazy day for him. And really, she had bigger things to worry about than Derek Shepherd. The kiss had made her horny as hell but she was pregnant and close to her third trimester and that meant actually getting things ready for her baby girl. Nothing else took precedence right now. Her daughter was active and kicking all the time and really only seemed to calm when Meredith took walks, which she kind of loved, but going home to browse the internet for baby gear was probably much more productive.

If she was being honest with herself, she would have to admit that she was strongly considering staying in Oakbrook Falls. She could freelance from here if she wanted to, it was only a few hours drive to Manhattan, and it seemed like the kind of place a kid would love. She felt safe here, like big bad things couldn't happen, and she wanted to have that for her daughter. She had been doing her research and the schools were apparently amazing and there were things like summer camp and ice skating lessons and all kinds of things for Hailey to enjoy one day. She could see herself chasing after her little girl, running through the park before getting some hot cocoa at Chris's and then coming home to their tiny house. So right now, she was strongly considering emailing the owners and asking if they were willing to sell, and then she could start building a home for her new family.

Sometimes it really was overwhelming how much her life had changed in the last few months but she couldn't dwell on that craziness. It was time to brush herself off and move on and decide what she actually wanted. She had started toying with the idea of a collection of essays about this time in her life, about losing her dream job and getting pregnant and finding an unexpected new home, and while she wasn't sure she would definitely do it, she had started the first one and was considering sending it in under a pen name. She had no idea if it would work or if people would even want to read it, and it really seemed so small compared to what she had been working on, but it was all she could think of to do right now. Writing about all this change might make it easier and she needed a bit of easy.

She had no idea how she was going to be a single mom but she had to believe she could do it. It wouldn't be easy, she wasn't even going to pretend that, but getting all of these big feelings out onto the proverbial page might actually make it easier to breathe and face her future. If her daughter was already making her feel like she needed to be better, she could only imagine what it would be like once Hailey was actually here, in her arms, all new and red and tiny and defenseless. She ran her hand over her stomach at the thought, smiling at the feeling of her daughter gently moving inside her. It was better than the forceful kicks and punches and she rubbed her belly as she walked up the snowy sidewalk to the house that she hoped would be theirs soon.

"Oh my god, there you are!"

Meredith turned quickly at the sound of her sister's voice, wondering for a second if she was imagining it. Lexie was supposed to be in New York, working and having amazing sex with her boyfriend, but instead, her sister was here, standing on the side walk with Hillary. "What…what are you guys doing here?" She asked.

"We hadn't heard from you in a bit so we thought we'd come say hi," Hillary grinned, her eyes falling to her stomach. "Oh my god, Mer, she's gotten so big!"

"I…yeah, she has," Meredith smiled, glancing down at her belly and then back up at her sister and best friend. "Is this an ambush or a surprise?"

"Ambush is a really, really harsh word, Mer," Lexie insisted even as her cheeks turned bright red. "We just…wanted to see you and Baby Girl Grey."

"Hailey," Meredith corrected, her smile immediately growing. "Her name is Hailey."

"You…you named her?" Lexie gasped, her hand immediately going to her stomach. "Hi, Hailey, I'm your Aunt Lexie."

"It really is a beautiful name, Mer," Hillary grinned at her. "Hailey Grey. It fits."

"I tried a couple others but I kept coming back to Hailey," Meredith shrugged, which was partly true. She had told Derek her list of names and she had intended to try one a day, but after hearing how Hailey had rolled off his tongue, she had had a hard time really trying with the other names. Her daughter was Hailey, and no matter how hard she tried to think of anything else, she just kept coming back to it. It felt right somehow. She smiled down at her sister's hand on her stomach and then took a deep breath, trying to ignore the feeling that her sister and her best friend were ambushing her. "Do you guys want to come in?"

"It is kind of cold out here and we've been waiting," Lexie agreed. "Where were you anyway?"

"I went out for a cup of coffee and then walked around town for a bit," she explained before opening her door and kicking off her boots. "Hailey moves a lot and when I'm walking around, she chills out a bit." She took off her winter jacket as she spoke, her mind quickly trying to come up with some kind of plan for the ambush. She wanted to believe it wasn't happening, that they really did want to visit her, but people didn't just show up randomly if they weren't planning something. One of her hands crept to her back and she took a steady breath in before turning towards her living room.

"You look amazing, Mer," Hillary said from behind her. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Meredith admitted as she sat down on her couch. She shifted her body until her back was gently nestled in between her pillows and then rested her hand over her stomach as her daughter gave an experimental wiggle. "She's getting big and my back is definitely responding to that. But still pretty okay. We're both doing really well."

"You've been going to appointments now, right?" Lexie asked as she sat on the edge of the couch. "Because you're about to be in the third trimester, Mer, and a lot of things can happen."

"I've been going to my appointments," Meredith rolled her eyes. "We're doing great, Lex. That's not my personal opinion."

"But it's still the town doctor? I mean, you're not actually seeing someone who specializes in this?"

"This meaning my non-complicated pregnancy?" She raised an eyebrow. "Derek knows what he's doing. He literally does everything. He can go from cardiologist to neurologist to OBGYN to pediatrician in a heart beat."

"Okay, I get it, but I just think you should start talking to an obstetrician," Lexie shrugged and then jumped slightly when Hillary's hand rested on her arm. It was coming. They hadn't even been here for five minutes and Meredith could already feel the ambush coming and she didn't really feel like dealing with it right now.

"I think we should just be happy they're both doing really well, Lexie," Hillary said calmly, in that irritating voice she used for Ryder. "Do you have any more pictures of her, Mer?"

"I do," Meredith nodded. "But how about I show them to you after you guys actually tell me why you're here?" Lexie opened her mouth and she shook her head quickly. "Don't tell me you just wanted to say hi. It's not like you were in the neighborhood or whatever. You could have called and you didn't because you were afraid I'd tell you not to come or something."

"I just want to say in advance that I tried to talk her out of this,' Hillary said quickly.

"Oh my god, Hills!" Lexie gasped. "Support! You said you would support me!"

"I said I would come for moral support, but I didn't say who I was giving moral support to," Hillary shrugged. "Kev and I told you our concerns from the second you suggested this."

"Well, I don't know why you're okay with your pregnant best friend running off to live in the middle of nowhere," Lexie groaned. "But I'm definitely not okay with my pregnant sister disappearing off the face of the earth and shutting us all out of her life."

"I'm not shutting you guys out of my life," Meredith insisted. "I text you guys all the time."

"We had no idea you had named her," Lexie pointed out.

"That literally happened two days ago, Lexie," she shook her head. She wasn't going to snap or lose her temper, no matter how much she wanted to. It wouldn't help and whatever the point of all this was would probably be worse than her sister feeling neglected.

"That's not the point, Mer!" Her baby sister gasped. "We've done practically everything together and I really thought…I mean, I thought we'd at least get ready for her together. I figured since he's a total jackass that you would actually ask for help for once and instead you ran off to some town no one's ever heard of and barely call Mom and Dad and just…disappear from your whole life in New York."

"Are you seriously here because you feel left out of my pregnancy?" Meredith stared at her.

"I'm here because it's time for you to stop running and actually come home," Lexie groaned. "You're like six months pregnant and you can't have her in a one bedroom apartment, Mer. You need to come home and find a new apartment, go to an OB, and actually fight back against all the bullshit. You can't keep hiding here."

"I'm not hiding, first of all," Meredith pointed out as she rubbed her belly. "You can't hide when literally no one wants to see you, Lex. If I go back to New York right now and try to find a decent two bedroom apartment, no one will ever approve me because I have no income right now. And even though Scott told me a year, there's no guarantee that anyone will actually want to hire me in a few months, especially once they find out I'm a single mom to a newborn. So please don't tell me that I need to fight because you really don't know what I'm facing right now."

"Mer, that's not even the least of my worries right now."

"I know she's your niece and I'm your sister, Lex, but I don't need to be on your list of worries," she stated, feeling her daughter turn roughly inside her. Her cheeks felt flushed and she could feel her temper rising in a way she wasn't really all that familiar with. "I want you to be in our lives but I don't want you dictating what our lives are going to look like."

"I'm not…that makes me sound like…I mean, dictating is a bad sounding word, Mer," Lexie frowned. "I'm not trying to be like some bad guy in your life. I just think you can't…I mean, are you just going to stay here forever?"

"Maybe, yeah," she shrugged and Hillary gasped slightly. "I'm…I might just buy this house and stay here and freelance or something. I've been…I could paint the second bedroom and make it into her room and…I mean, Derek said he would be her pediatrician and the schools are amazing."

"You…Mer…" Hills took a deep breath. "I totally respect whatever you choose and I want you to make your own decisions because I seriously love you and I know this is huge. But are you sure you want to do this by yourself?"

"I'm not sure of anything yet, Hills," she admitted. "I just know that I really like it here and it feels like a really good place for a little girl to grow up."

"I don't doubt that, Kevin and I have been talking about moving out of the city so that Ryder can have more space," Hillary nodded. "But this isn't…you'll be four hours away."

"Which is totally crazy," Lexie shook her head. "I just want to be here for you and Hailey, Mer. And Mom does, too."

"I'm not saying you guys won't be," Meredith frowned. "All I'm saying is that I might want to stay here. I'm working on a collection of essays and I can freelance or…I can figure this out. I want to figure this out for her."

"Okay, I'm going to ask the question even though you're probably going to get mad at me," Hillary said carefully. "Does this have to do with your thing with the doctor?"

"Hillary!" Meredith gasped as Lexie's jaw dropped.

"What thing with the doctor?" Lexie asked, turning between the two of them. "Oh my god, Mer, please don't tell me you're sleeping with your doctor."

"I am not sleeping with him!" Meredith gasped, hoping her cheeks didn't turn bright red as she had a flashback of crawling into Derek's lap on this very couch.

"But you have a thing with him?" Lexie stared at her. "Mer…you can't…how…why did Hillary know about this and I didn't? How long has it been going on?"

"It hasn't been going on," she shook her head. "There's nothing…I find him attractive and he's funny and….we've kissed a couple times, that's it."

"Wait, you guys kissed?" Hillary cut in.

"Seriously, it's all been in the last couple of weeks," she shook her head. "We first kissed on Halloween and there's been a couple times since but…it's nothing. And it has nothing to do with me staying here, Hillary. I'm not going to turn my daughter's life upside down for a boy."

"Okay, stop," Lexie ordered, holding up her hand. "You're here in some small town that literally no one has ever heard of, six months pregnant and unemployed and you're making out with some small town doctor who is probably a hundred years old?"

"He's not a hundred years old," Meredith rolled her eyes. "He's in his forties."

"You're making out with him, Mer!"

"It happened three times and it probably won't happen again," she shook her head.

"You're six months pregnant!" Lexie pointed out. "You…okay…who is this guy? What do you know about him?"

"Lexie…" Meredith sighed heavily.

"Do not make me google him, Mer, because I totally will."

"Your brain focuses on really strange things," Meredith shook her head as she arched her back slightly. Hailey was starting to get rough again and she had the weirdest craving for chocolate and pineapple salsa, but she wasn't going to think about it right now. Or about the fact that she really wanted to see Derek as soon as possible, to feel the same comfort she felt whenever he touched her. "His name is Derek Shepherd."

"What?" Lexie breathed, her eyes going wide and her skin turning a really pale shade of white. "He's…his name is what?"

"Derek Shepherd," Meredith repeated. "He was training to be a neurosurgeon but then…some things happened and he moved here. That was twenty years ago."

"His fiancee died," Lexie whispered. "His fiancee died in a car crash."

"I…how did you know that?" She frowned.

"I…because Derek Shepherd is Mark's weird recluse brother I've never met," Lexie explained softly as she stared down at her hands. "I don't know all of the details, the Shepherds really have a hard time talking about it, but there was an accident and his fiancee died and Derek had this huge breakdown that led to him just picking up and moving. He and Mark were really close and now they barely see each other because Derek has completely shut himself off."

"I…hold on a second," Meredith shook her head because now her reporter brain was working overtime and she wasn't sure what she needed to ask first. "So you're dating Derek's brother? That…I mean, how can the world possibly be that small?"

"I don't know, Mer, but based on what Mark has said…he's really messed up."

"I think he has his moments," she said carefully because that protective streak she had felt a couple days ago when Derek had been kissing her was now surging through her, but not towards her daughter. "But he's…god, Lex, they really love him here. He's so popular and everyone loves him. And he loves them, too. He has his quirks and I know he's…but he hasn't completely shut himself off."

"He has from his family," Lexie pointed out.

"I…it doesn't matter," she insisted. "It doesn't…I'm not staying for Derek and I'm not…I'd really rather you didn't tell his brother about me or…it's honestly nothing. We've kissed and we always stop it and it's just…it's not a thing."

"Then why not just come home and spend the rest of your pregnancy with me?" Lexie offered.

"There is literally no way that is happening," Meredith stated firmly. "I promise I'll call more and maybe I'll have you and Susan come a couple weeks before the due date but I'm not…I want to stay here, I think."

"This just feels crazy, Mer."

"I'm six months pregnant with my ex-boss's baby and I'm blacklisted," Meredith pointed out as she rubbed her stomach slowly. "Crazy is kind of the name of the game right now and I just…I feel less crazy here. Things feel better here and I just want Hailey to come into a world where things are calm and happy."

"You're going to be an amazing mom, Mer," Hillary breathed, reaching forward to rest her hand on her stomach. "I was worried about how you were processing all of this but you are going to be such a great mom."

"I'm actually really excited," she smiled softly. "I mean, a month and a half ago I was definitely freaking out but since I got here and I saw her and then…she's moving and she responds to dogs barking and D-people talking and I just can't wait to meet her."

"That's a pretty normal feeling at this point," Hillary smiled softly. "They just become so real and the excitement is insane."

"I'm ready to start building a life for her," Meredith murmured before turning to her sister. "You're her aunt and you'll always be her aunt, Lex. But I really need you to understand that I need to build the kind of life for her that feels good for both of us. I need…she's my baby girl and I don't want her to grow up in some small shoebox apartment in Manhattan. I want her to have space and I want her to feel safe. And when I think about that life, all I can think about is doing it right here, in Oakbrook Falls."

"I get that, Mer, I really do," Lexie sighed. "I just…and I realize I can drive up to see you guys or you can drive down once she's older but…what's the plan now? Where will you give birth? Are you going to have any help?"

"I'll work on a plan," she promised. "I just really need my sister to support me, and to get our parents to support me because I know they think this is crazy, too."

"Oh, they definitely do," her sister agreed. "What about Thanksgiving?"

"What about it?"

"Are you going to fly out to Seattle with me?"

"I…" Meredith took a deep breath as she looked down at her belly. She hadn't been planning on it. She knew it was wrong but she really hadn't been planning to go to Seattle to see her family. It wasn't that she was afraid to face them, because she really wasn't, it was more that she wasn't ready. She liked the cocoon she had here, she loved that it was just her and Hailey and she didn't want the countless questions about who the dad was. Her plan had really been to just spend the day here, curled up on her couch and watching movies or something.

"A plane ride across the country might be really uncomfortable at that point, Lexie," Hillary pointed out as her hand moved over Meredith's stomach. "I mean, that's the third trimester and it's not exactly…fun. I know she can travel up to thirty-two weeks but the last place I wanted to be when I was that pregnant was on a plane."

"Oh…yeah, that makes sense," Lexie murmured.

"Tell Susan and Dad to come for Christmas," Meredith offered. "I'll drive to Manhattan and we can spend it at your apartment."

"God you're going to be huge by Christmas," Lexie giggled.

"Oh, thanks, Lex, that's exactly what every pregnant person wants to hear," she rolled her eyes. "And here I was about to tell you her middle name."

"She has a middle name?" Lexie immediately perked up. "You actually full on named her?"

"She has a full name," Meredith nodded as she cradled her bump, smiling at Hailey's gentle stretch. "Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"Hailey…she…that's my name," Lexie grinned as her eyes filled with tears. Hillary pulled her hand back from Meredith's stomach just as Lexie lunged towards her. "She…she has my name as her middle name?"

"She's definitely named after her Aunt Lexie," Meredith smiled softly.

"That's…wow…wow," Lexie breathed, leaning close to her belly. "Hi, Hailey, this is your Aunt Lexie. I am going to spoil you so much. Like your mom is going to hate me because you're going to have everything you want. Literally everything. If you want it, you come to me first."

"Lexie…" Meredith warned.

"Mer, I have to because she has my name and I'm assuming her godmother," her sister shrugged as she rubbed her belly and then grinned as Hailey kicked. "Hailey, you're so strong! Are you saying hi to me and agreeing that you have to be the most loved baby of all time?"

"I think she's going to be at this for awhile," Meredith giggled to Hillary over Lexie's baby talk to her stomach. "Are you guys staying or…"

"I kind of figured it would depend on how this all went," Hillary shrugged. "I really can't stay the night. Kevin's getting over something and Ryder is starting to sound a little congested so they obviously need me there."

"Kevin's okay?"

"He's good, Mer," Hillary assured her.

"Have you started thinking about her nursery yet?" Lexie asked. "Is there going to be a theme?"

"Oh," Meredith smiled widely. "I still have to get the approval from the owners to paint, or to buy really but…I was thinking mint green. And stars. I really want stars."

"I love that," Hillary grinned. "I saw in a magazine when I was pregnant with Ryder…mint green with blush furniture and I've always been in love with that idea."

"Blush furniture?" Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Like pink furniture?"

"It's a super pale pink, Mer," Lexie said quickly. "And I think it would be really, really cute. You would just paint her crib and changing table. Maybe some blush curtains or something. I think that sounds amazing."

"I…I'll think about the blush," Meredith gave in, shaking her head slightly. "I promise to let you guys know what I decide."

"You have to," Lexie insisted as she rubbed her stomach where Hailey was kicking. "Hailey, tell Mommy that you're still a princess and deserve some pink."

"Hailey, tell Aunt Lexie that you're not going to give into years old gender stereotypes," she teased her sister.

"Okay, that's just mean and uncalled for," Lexie frowned.

"Don't be weird," Meredith rolled her eyes, rubbing the side of her stomach slowly as Hailey stretched and then seemed to relax. "And now that you've gotten the intervention or whatever out of the way…what are you guys up to?"

"Nothing's really changed for us," Hillary laughed. "I run after my three year old and try to get him to be good by reminding him that Santa is coming while Kevin plans the most ridiculous gifts in the world for his son. And Lexie is madly in love with her hot plastic surgeon boyfriend and sexes him in between surgeries."

"He wants me to move in with him," Lexie announced as her cheeks turned pink. "I never thought…but god, he's amazing. He's smart and funny and I love his family so much. And I really think this might be it."

"Like…married it?" Meredith asked.

"I think so, yeah," Lexie admitted. "You have to meet him, Mer. He's so…god, he's so Mark and he's amazing and this is it. This is the whole happily ever after thing, I can feel it.'

"Wow, Lex."

"I'm just beyond happy," Lexie murmured as she smiled. "And work is so amazing, too. And my big sister is having an adorable baby girl."

"Two seconds ago you were ready to drag me out of Oakbrook Falls," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Because I miss and love my big sister," Lexie grinned. "What was your plan for today?"

"I didn't really have a set plan. Probably just figuring out everything for Hailey, online shopping, and whatever else I needed to get done," Meredith shrugged.

"So you have some time for a bad movie on Netflix?"

"I'm not exactly doing anything, Lex," Meredith laughed as she stood from the couch. "I'm going to pee while you guys choose a movie. Hills, I have popcorn in the kitchen."

"Sounds great," Hillary nodded and Meredith turned to walk back towards her bathroom. She was staying in Oakbrook Falls. She had been pretty sure about it, but actually saying it out loud to her sister and best friend made it seem like the only option at this point. Hailey would come home to Oakbrook Falls and grow up here, and Meredith's whole life would change again here. And the weirdest thing was that she desperately wanted to tell Derek that she was staying. They had talked about it a little the other night, but now she was sure and she really wanted him to know. It was stupid, especially since she wasn't staying for him or their…whatever kind of friendship they had going. She just wanted to stay in Oakbrook Falls and she would feel that way even if she had never met Derek.

She wasn't going to think too much about what Lexie had said about Derek's breakdown and how he had shut him off from his entire family. Her reporter senses were trying to go into overdrive but she was determined to just leave it alone. She wasn't going to text him or call him or anything else. She had made a huge, life changing decision, and the next couple of months had to be about making that decision work so that her daughter came into a world that didn't feel messy. All she had to do was stop thinking about Derek. It really had to be that simple.

_Starting over_

_Is a beautiful thing_

_You find out who you are through the pain_


	14. Small Steps Towards Living

**Chapter 14- Small Steps Towards Living**

At this point, there was no pretending that Derek had been able to follow any sort of routine over the week. He had tried, every morning he had woken up with the intention of getting back on track, but it all just fell apart somewhere between getting coffee and lunch. It had led to him feeling on edge and almost breathless as he tried to kick himself to the surface. He wanted to blame the anniversary for this feeling, he wanted to think that he had been thrown by the thirteenth and what it meant for the next three weeks. And while he had spent the thirteenth hiking and thinking of Alison, his brain hadn't done a lot of focusing on her in the days afterwards. The guilt he felt about that was tremendous, but his sometimes-obsessive brain had focused on the tiny, pregnant blonde journalist he had opened up to on the snowy night before and would not think about anything else.

He hadn't told anyone in Oakbrook Falls about what had happened to him, and he had never thought he would. There were parts of the story he had held back and he knew that, but no one else knew about Alison and now Meredith did. She had listened to him, she had let him grieve Alison, and she had even stopped the incredible kiss that would have led to something he would have regretted. He hadn't known what telling someone about Alison would be like, but the fact was, he felt he could breathe a little better. It had been so long since he had said anything about her, since he had talked about the engagement or that night, and it had opened up a box of memories about his dead fiancee that had made the day of the thirteenth an incredibly hard day. But then his brain had started thinking of all the things he missed about having someone in his life, and now, no matter what he did, he couldn't bring his brain back to where it was supposed to be.

His routines were supposed to keep him on track, they were supposed to make sure he didn't think of broken glass, flashing lights, or the blood spattered across his suit. The therapist the hospital had forced him to see had told him that routines would prevent the obsessive thoughts and the flashbacks, and they had worked, for the most part. It was only when he broke his routine that they really came back. But those weren't the obsessive thoughts he was having now. Now his brain was focused on the flowery smell that surrounded Meredith, the feel of her baby girl moving underneath his palm, the sound of Meredith's giggle, the taste of her desperate kiss, and the sight of her on his lap, her blonde waves falling around her rounded face as she told him they couldn't kiss. She had taken over every single one of his senses and his brain wasn't going to let her relinquish that control apparently.

It was too much. He had rules and those rules had worked for him for the last twenty years. He knew he wasn't necessarily happy, but he had figured that happiness was a fleeting thing, something he had had for a few years with Alison but that was gone now. In some ways, he at least had contentment in Oakbrook Falls. He had a great job and he loved his patients almost as much as he loved the small town that didn't let its growth change it. The fact that there wasn't a train or a Walmart there made him think it would always be the perfect small town that he had found eighteen years earlier. Contentment seemed like it had been enough and he was pretty sure it had been until now.

And then a pregnant journalist had fallen into his life and he couldn't get his brain to just accept that he was content. She had disrupted everything and he wasn't sure what to think about it. He should feel out of control, because that's what a disruption to his routine generally meant, and when he wasn't around her, that was how he felt. He had gone back to work but things had felt vaguely hazy and like he was moving in some kind of dream. When he wasn't working, he thought about Meredith and Alison in some kind of weird and vicious circle he couldn't stop. He wasn't going to compare them, he couldn't, but he found himself wondering what Alison would think of her, which was insane. There was nothing for Alison to think. He had sworn he wouldn't do this, that dedicating his life to anything but ever being in love again was the best way for him to make up for the destruction he had brought on her family.

But he couldn't help it. His brain was going rogue and all day on his hike the day before, he had wondered why Meredith hadn't reached out to him. Not that she had any reason to, they didn't exactly text, but he hadn't seen her around town and he was starting to wonder if she was just avoiding him. It had been a heavy night for her and maybe she had taken some time to think about it and had realized that he had been at fault that night and now she didn't want to talk to him. He wouldn't blame her if that was the case, but the idea of not seeing her again made him almost as panicky as taking the time to think about the weeks after the crash, when Alison's parents had actually thought there was a chance. It was all starting to be a huge jumbled mess in his head and he just wanted some calm.

Sundays were usually the day when he planned his week, when he read up on any conditions his patients were presenting with or caught up on medical journals. It was his day to really focus on what his town needed from him as their doctor, and to focus his own thoughts. It had been his routine for years and it had always worked. Saturday was his hiking or fishing day and then Sunday was the day he put his focus back on the town. But he couldn't sit still today and his brain was determined to focus on Meredith and he didn't know what to do. These routines were supposed to make it easier for him to live with his thoughts and that wasn't happening now. He felt restless and terrified and panicked and for the first time since November 13, 1999, it had nothing to do with a u-turn that had destroyed his life.

So he was walking. Or he had been walking. Fifteen minutes ago he had left his house with the intention of walking around the snow-covered town before going home and getting his Sunday routine back on track. He had walked through the park where he had been stopped by Explorer Ryan and heard all about the snow mountain adventure the little boy was planning before he had sat down on the bench he had sat on with Meredith and tried to replicate the feeling of peace and safety he had felt that night. But that hadn't happened and he had tried to walk some more before finding himself in front of Meredith's house, debating what the hell to do.

He couldn't keep doing this to her. She had stopped their kiss because she wanted what was right for her daughter and he admired that more than he could say. She had been so afraid to actually be a mom and now she was this amazing mother who worried about her unborn baby having steady people in her life. It was honestly why he felt so bad at this point; he couldn't keep coming to her looking for peace, safety, or just a few hours of easy breathing. It would be like using her and she deserved so much more than that. It sounded like her old boss had used her and then thrown her out the second she hadn't provided him with what he wanted, and Derek didn't want to be another asshole in her life. He had a dead fiancee he couldn't get over, he still struggled to even deal with the accident, and he didn't think he could drag her into it all.

He didn't know how to describe what he was feeling, besides maybe a sense of missing her. It had been days since he had seen her and his brain was screaming at him to ask her to go on a hike. Hikes weren't supposed to happen on Sundays, but neither were walks through town and he had already done that. He wasn't looking for peace right now, he just wanted to see her. Later, he could let himself sort through the guilt of thinking about another woman, but in this moment, he was just going to ask her if she wanted to go for a hike. The trails would still be slippery from the snow and he could keep an eye on her or help her if she needed it. And after a hike and probably listening to her giggle a few times, he could go home and figure out exactly how to keep his routine in the upcoming week.

Derek took a deep breath as he walked towards her front door, his heart pounding. If she didn't want to see him, then he would understand and that would be that. He had probably opened up too much with her and if she was bothered, then he would go back home and get his life back together, to what it had been before she had fallen in her shower and disrupted everything. He rang her doorbell and then held his breath, willing his hands to stop shaking. It would be okay. He was just going on his third hike that week but it had been a weird week. He was about to ring the doorbell again when the door opened and Derek felt an emotion he didn't think he remembered how to describe rush through him as Meredith appeared. She looked adorable in a pair of dark denim overalls that were unbuttoned at the sides and accentuated her belly and and her still thin legs over a purple tank top. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, some tendrils escaping around her face as she smiled at him. "Derek. Hey," she greeted him.

"Hey," he replied as his hands suddenly stopped shaking. He had seen her in the paper gowns at the clinic and her own over sized clothes here, but the tank top didn't cover much, including the way her breasts swelled against the fabric. He shouldn't be noticing it, and he knew that, but he couldn't help it. "I um…I wanted to know if you maybe wanted to go on a hike."

"A hike?" Meredith asked as both of her hands moved over her stomach. It probably meant the baby was moving and it took all Derek had not to reach out to feel.

"If you're not busy," he shook his head quickly. "I just thought…you don't have to."

"A hike actually sounds amazing," she smiled. "But I am busy today. I need to paint her room."

"You…you what?" Derek frowned. "Meredith, you…I thought we discussed the no painting rule."

"I know we did," she sighed, her brow furrowed and her green eyes dark. "But I wanted to get this done before the third trimester and that's...I mean, my second trimester finishes a week from today and I don't exactly have someone who can do this."

"You have a whole town that would be more than willing to help," he shook his head. "You can't be around paint fumes and you on a ladder right now..." He took a deep breath in to fight the surge of panic that came from deep inside him and then looked at her. "Can I come in?"

"You...I thought you were going on a hike," she asked.

"I was only going to go if you wanted to go," he admitted softly. His fingers moved through his hair and he looked down at her stomach before back up at her dark green eyes. "Let me help, Mer."

"You really want to help?" Meredith asked as she stepped aside and opened the door wider to let him in. "Because you don't have to, Derek."

"I really do," he promised. "As your doctor, the thought of you on a ladder right now is giving me a panic attack. As a friend…it's okay to ask for help."

"Do you know a lot about painting?" She asked as he walked into her house. "I don't know anything and I've been doing some googling but…yeah, it will require me on a ladder."

"When I was a teenager I did a lot of odd jobs around my neighborhood, including painting," he laughed softly. Her back seemed more curved today, but there was a chance that it just seemed that way because her purple tank top was riding up on her stomach, leaving a wide swath of skin visible. He had no idea why she was dressed like it was summer, except that the house was boiling. "Meredith?

"Yeah?"

"Is the heater broken?" He asked.

"No," she shook her head and then rolled her eyes, her cheeks pink. "When I dress in sweaters, I melt, so I turned down the heater and I was freezing. But the more sweaters I put on, the more I melted and I couldn't find a happy medium so now…well, if I dress like this and keep the heater going, then I'm actually comfortable. And I know it must suck for anyone who comes in so…sorry."

"It's okay, Mer," he assured her as he took off his jacket and then slipped off his sweater until he was in his undershirt and jeans. "Pregnancy comfort is the priority."

"Thanks," she smiled at him. There was something in her eyes that he couldn't place and he had a feeling it would drive him crazy. It was an odd mix of the pitying, worried look he had gotten used to back home after the accident and something else, something softer. And confused. She looked slightly confused.

"So what color is Baby Girl Grey's room going to be?" He asked her.

"Hailey," she corrected, her hand moving along the denim of her overalls to cradle the underside of her growing stomach. "She's officially Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"The other names didn't stick?"

'I don't think they stood a chance after…" she trailed off, shaking her head slightly. "And Hailey's room is going to be mint green. With stars. I have this whole starry theme stuck in my head."

"That sounds amazing," he nodded eagerly. "The glow in the dark stars or just some stenciling?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out," she explained. "Maybe both? I don't know. I ordered some star bedding."

"Well, I can at least help with the paint," Derek murmured, glancing down at her just as her stomach seemed to shift shapes and bulged slightly on the right side, pushing against the denim of her overalls. "Is she trying to say hi again?"

"What?" Meredith frowned and then looked down at her stomach. "God, that's so weird that you can see that. She…she's liked my right side a lot lately. She kind of curls up over there and then my belly is all weird and all the kicking is there. She was napping, I think, but now you're here and we know how that goes."

"Can I…" he asked softly and then put his hand gently over the spot that was rippling with Hailey's movements. The denim scratched against his palm, but his fingers rested against the tight, soft skin of the side of Meredith's stomach and he felt a strange shift somewhere deep inside him. He didn't know what it was or even how to describe it, but he felt it in a way that made him a little breathless. Meredith shifted slightly and he brushed his fingers against her skin before letting out a breath. "Hi, Hailey, it's Derek again. I'm going to paint your room today."

"Derek…" Meredith sighed as she moved her hand over his. Her long fingers tightened over his wrist and she took a slow deep breath. "Are you okay?"

"What?" He looked up into her eyes.

"Are you okay?" She repeated, her thumb brushing over his wrist. "You came to ask me to go on a hike and now you're here to paint my daughter's room and you're talking to her and…I mean, it was the twentieth anniversary just a few days ago."

"Meredith…" Derek sighed as he glanced down at her shifting stomach. He didn't know how to explain this to her, especially when he wasn't even sure what it was. None of this made sense today, absolutely nothing had made sense to him all week, but standing here with Meredith and her wiggling baby girl somehow did. Every time he was here, in the moment, he didn't feel confused or scared or guilty. And while he had heard her when she had insisted he couldn't use her for those things and that Hailey would need stability in her life, he wasn't sure that he couldn't be stable. He had been thinking of them both all week and now he was here and he was speechless. "I don't know."

"Derek," Meredith shook her head and took a step back, her hand releasing his wrist.

"No, no," he insisted soothingly, taking a step forward and resting his hand on her curved lower back. He pushed her closer to him again and he took a deep breath, trying to sort through his racing thoughts. "I know you have Hailey to think about and I don't want to hurt either of you. I have…it's been twenty years. It's been twenty years since I kissed another woman or had sex or even thought about being attracted to someone other than Alison. I don't hide my pain by kissing women every year and I don't know why…you make it easier to breathe and I don't know why. You make me want to kiss you and I don't know why. I missed you the last couple of days and I don't know why. It's…you confuse me too. You confuse me and I'm trying to figure this all out because today wasn't about trying to breathe. I just wanted to see you."

"I have Hailey to worry about," she pointed out in a whisper that made his chest tighten. "I told you the other night…I'd kiss you all day if it weren't for her."

"Hailey deserves to fit somewhere," Derek murmured, resting his fingers against her stomach again before looking into her eyes. "So do you, Meredith. I said neither of you could fit and I…God, this isn't easy for me. I don't know what to feel or why I feel this right now. A lot of people have been hurt by me and the last thing I want to do is to hurt you or Hailey. I don't know how or if it will…I just know I want to be here. Right now."

"You're really not making this easy," she breathed as she looked up at him. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were glowing, and it took every ounce of strength he had not to kiss her.

"If you want me to stop…I'll stop," he whispered. He ran his hand up and down the curve of her spine, his fingers brushing over the skin that was exposed and he noted her slight shiver before dropping his hand. "I'll just paint her room because I really don't want you doing it, and then I'll go. You don't…you have Hailey and I'm not…you don't have to take pity on me or…"

"I'm not taking pity on you," she groaned. "This isn't pity, Derek. I just don't know how to…every time I see you, I want to kiss you. I want to do more than kiss you which is…well, it's not good. And I should be telling you no because there are…you have suitcases and I have suitcases but you have a big suitcase that you don't put down. And as Hailey's mom, I need to know that you can put it down or away or…this is a weird metaphor."

"I put it down today," he offered. "I don't know if…I just wanted to see you, Mer. There's nothing else in my brain right now and it's confusing the hell out of me but I put it down today. And I swear I won't pick it up again until I get home."

"And then you'll pick it up again and regret not carrying it when you were with me," she pointed out.

"I don't regret kissing you," he shook his head, fighting through his swirling brain. "I'm terrified, I feel guilty but I don't regret it. I don't regret…it confuses me. I don't…I've never had to work through the suitcases, Mer. I just…I don't regret you."

"Oh," she breathed.

"I…just think…" Derek shook his head as he dropped his hand from her stomach. "I know I'm not…how about I just paint Hailey's room?"

"Okay," Meredith nodded before turning to walk down the hall. He really wasn't sure what was going on and he hated this confusion. It should be easy to just…be her doctor and nothing else, just like it had been easy over the last twenty years. But he didn't know how to explain what he was feeling to her or how to be what she and Hailey needed and it was making his brain race in a completely new way. He wasn't thinking of atonement right now, he wasn't thinking of guilt or fault, he just wanted to know how to go forward.

"So…they're letting you paint?" He asked from behind her.

"What?" She asked as she looked over her shoulder.

"The Hendersons? They're letting you paint?"

"Oh," she paused in the hallway, just in front of a closed door and she smiled slightly. "I…they were going to let me paint anyway, they were okay with a nursery. But um…they had been talking about selling and I asked them if that was still on the table and they said absolutely so…"

"You're buying?" Derek felt a grin pull at his lips.

"Yeah," she confirmed, her own smile transforming into a wide grin. "There's a backyard and kids…I mean, Hailey will need a backyard. There definitely aren't any backyards in Manhattan so I just…I'm going to stay here. I might freelance or write a book or…I don't know what I'm going to do yet but we're staying here."

"Wow," he breathed. "I…so I guess that makes me Hailey's pediatrician?"

"Well, you're my only option in town, so I guess so," she giggled slightly and then opened the door. There was already tarp on the hard wood floor that covered the baseboards with some painter's tape but it was clear he had interrupted her just before she had decided to get out the ladder. There were a couple cans of mint green paint by the wall, along with a can of primer, and he grinned as Meredith looked around the room, a soft look coming over her features.

"You got a good start," he smiled at her, watching as her fingers trailed over her stomach.

"Thanks, I actually started last night," she stated as her other hand went to her back. "All that crawling around on all fours wasn't exactly great for my sore back."

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Well, I'll finish taping up and then I'll get started. Is the ladder in the shed?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "How can I help?"

"You're not going to," he shook his head. "No ladders and no fumes."

"Okay, is the fumes thing actually true?" She groaned. "Because it's my daughter's room, Derek."

"I know it is and you'll be able to decorate it once it's all painted," he nodded as he looked around the room. "But for now, you're going to go write or watch those brothers and I'll paint. Do you want the ceiling painted, too?"

"No, just the walls," she answered as she sighed. "Are you sure I can't help? I'll wear a mask."

"A mask is not enough for me, sorry," he shrugged before putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her. "Living room, kitchen…where ever you want to go that's far away from this room."

"I'm starting to understand why Chris gets annoyed with you," Meredith mumbled as she walked out of Hailey's nursery and Derek shook his head at her annoyance. It was cute, but he could protect her while making sure the nursery was painted for her. He knew she was feeling a little iffy about things, about the way he was acting and he did understand it. In no way was he someone who had the right to be in people's lives like this, but he couldn't help himself. He had no idea what he was even doing here right now. He had wanted to spend some time with her, just to see her again, but now she would be in another room while he painted her baby daughter's room. It was crazy and didn't make sense and it would be so much easier to just…find someone to do it for her and then go home to his routines.

But his routine was probably part of the suitcases metaphor and he wanted to believe that his suitcases weren't too much for this. He wasn't sure he wanted to be with Meredith like that, but he also knew that he desperately wanted to be around her. It was confusing for him and he knew it had to be confusing for her. He just didn't know what to do besides paint her daughter's room while she took it easy in the living room. It felt personal and a little big but he couldn't let his brain go there. He had promised Meredith he would put down the suitcases today and that's what he was going to do. He wasn't going to think about Alison or the accident or what his parents would probably think of him getting close to someone like this. None of it mattered when he was trying to just find a way through this sudden change in his life.

He never could have predicted her. As he grabbed the ladder out of the shed in the backyard and then started taping around Hailey's window, he was beyond aware that he never could have planned for this. It had been twenty years and there had never been a moment where he thought he could kiss someone or want to spend time with them. He had thought his hikes were lonely or that his house was missing someone. When he was back in New York, he was acutely aware of the fact that Alison was gone, but in Oakbrook Falls, he had been able to keep living without thinking something or someone was missing. So there had never been a reason to think that he might meet someone and that his forced celibacy would suddenly feel hard. But now Meredith was here and nothing made sense, which made her confused and made him feel like an asshole.

He climbed off the ladder to pour the primer and forced his mind to just focus on his task. He could carry the suitcases when he got home. There was something comforting about the suitcases and he wondered if Meredith might understand that. His routines, his rules, his day to day life…it was all comforting. And maybe he had gone too far with it but the person he had been before he had found the routines had almost destroyed his family and he didn't want to do that. He was tired of hurting the people he cared about and he didn't want to do that to Meredith and Hailey.

"You haven't had sex in twenty years," Meredith's voice came from behind him and he jumped slightly, nearly dropping the can of primer.

"Meredith!" He shook his head as he put the primer down and turned to look at her. She was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her stomach, and her brow was furrowed in the most adorable way. "Fumes."

"Fuck the fumes," she shook her head quickly. "You haven't had sex in twenty years. You said it and I was listening but it didn't…and now it has and…you haven't had sex with anyone since Alison? Since 1999?"

"I haven't," he confirmed, suddenly feeling unbearably warm.

"You…I mean…you can, right?" She asked, flailing one hand in the general direction of his crotch. "I mean, you get turned on? An erection?"

"Mer…" he sighed. "Yes."

"So what do you do when that happens? I mean, are you like…you don't take care of it and you let yourself suffer or do you take care of it and all you've been doing is masturbating for the last twenty years?"

"Meredith," he groaned, running his fingers through his hair. "I…does it…does it really matter or is that a curious journalist thing?"

"Okay, I realize it's inappropriate but you're forty-five years old," she pointed out. "And you haven't slept with anyone or kissed anyone since 1999. Until me, anyway. You've kissed me."

"I've kissed you," he confirmed as he looked down at the pan with the primer. "Can I get the primer on the walls and I'll talk to you while it's drying?"

"I just…do you take care of it or…"

"It's a mix of both, Mer," he admitted, ducking his head down as he felt a blush color his cheeks. "But seriously, can we…let me just get the primer on the walls."

"Okay," she breathed, her eyes moving over his body. "Okay."

"Go back to your brothers and I'll be there in a second," he nodded, hoping his voice didn't sound as strangled as it felt in his throat. She backed out of the room slowly and then turned to walk back down the hallway and Derek took a slow breath in and out. He didn't know what it was about Meredith that made him want to tell her things. He was notorious for being secretive and he really didn't understand why he kept telling her things that he didn't want people to know. A lot of this was his own choice, his own attempts to make up for the destruction he had brought down on a family twenty years ago, and he didn't want to tell her about all of that yet. He actually didn't want to talk about it at all and his fingers closed around the roller brush as he felt himself start to mentally pick up the suitcase. It was easier to carry it around, easier to fend off everything with it clutched in his hands.

None of this made any damned sense and it was getting annoying. Meredith was a beautiful woman, he wanted to kiss her and he was beyond attracted to her, and it all felt so big and new that he didn't know what to do with these feelings. He didn't know how to tell her about how he used to torture himself once the depression had faded enough that he had found himself getting erections again, or about the lonely nights masturbating in his shower when it just felt like a chore he had to get done. He didn't know how to tell her that his morning runs were a great way to work off pent up energy or how sometimes, things got so dark that he didn't get a hard on for a few days. None of that was easy to discuss but he knew he would have to at some point. He wanted her to trust that he could be someone in her life who wouldn't hurt her but she didn't have all the information yet and that made him an asshole. He was painting her daughter's nursery while holding back from her and he didn't think it made much sense to her, or even to him.

He was supposed to be in mourning for the next three weeks. He was supposed to be opening his desk drawer and looking at the pictures while promising to himself that he wasn't going to stop trying to make amends for what he had done. Alison had been his fiancee, he was supposed to have married her and started a family with her, and instead, she was dead and after twenty years, he was spending the three weeks between the anniversary of the crash and her death plotting ways to spend time with a woman he found to be absolutely gorgeous. It was all wrong and but felt right and that's what was driving him crazy.

Meredith would be living in Oakbrook Falls now, permanently. She would become a mommy in this town, she would raise her little girl in the parks and on the hiking trails. He could already picture a little girl with her mom's blonde waves and bright green eyes, running around and causing mischief and he didn't think he could just walk away from that. He could try to fight this and it would probably be the right thing to do, but he didn't know if he would be able to fight it for the rest of his life. There was something about Meredith Grey that he couldn't get out of his mind, no matter how much he wanted to. And he really, really needed to. He sucked in a deep breath and then went back to the walls, pushing the primer along the light blue walls as he tried to get his brain back in some kind of reasonable order. He couldn't freak out right now, not when he had promised her that the suitcases were at home, and he didn't want to go home to them yet. Right now, he wanted to try his hand at being normal for a little bit, and that meant he couldn't freak out anymore. The primer was done anyway and that meant he needed to go talk to her until it dried, just like he had promised.

He left the door ajar slightly and then walked back down the hallway to the living room, stopping for just a second to look at her. She was sitting on the couch, her feet up on the coffee table as she rested a bowl of popcorn on her belly. The brothers were on and she was watching them, but she looked slightly distracted, her fingers up and down the curve under her overalls in a motion that was almost hypnotic. "Primer's done," he announced as he walked towards the couch.

"Oh," she turned to look at him. "I…that was inappropriate."

"Mer…"

"No, it was inappropriate," she said quickly. "I don't…I don't have a right to barge into whatever you do for her, Derek. I just…it's wrong and I shouldn't have asked it and it's really none of my business. So please don't try to answer it because I won't let you."

"Okay," he nodded slowly before gesturing to the couch. "Can I sit?"

"Yeah, of course," she smiled and he sat down next to her, immediately surrounded by that flowery scent that always calmed him. They were both quiet for a few minutes, their eyes glued to the TV as Meredith's hand crept underneath her overalls to rest against her belly. The room felt unbelievably small but it wasn't in a claustrophobic way and Derek found his brain starting to slow down before he turned to look at her. She was absolutely gorgeous in every way, and he desperately wished he could reach out to gently tug one of the strands of hair that had fallen out of her messy ponytail. Intimate. This felt intimate and he let his hand fall to her forearm, squeezing gently as she turned to look at him.

"Are you going to get annoyed with me if I tell you that you're beautiful again?" He asked softly.

"Maybe a little,' she answered with a smile.

"Sorry," he breathed, rubbing her arm gently. "I…I don't know what I'm doing here, Mer. And I know you're sick of hearing that. But can you just give me time to figure it out?"

"I'm starting to run a little short on time," she pointed to her belly as it bulged on the right again.

"Do you turn into a pumpkin when she comes?" He raised an eyebrow as he moved his hand to the bulge and smiled at Hailey's gymnastics.

"I think I'm arguably turning into a pumpkin now," she giggled and his heart soared at the sound.

"You're not turning into a pumpkin," he laughed softly. He turned his hand over to run his knuckles up and down the skin of her belly, even as Hailey kicked and punched furiously. "My point is…you're not going to become less beautiful when she comes. And your giggle is not going to go away."

"My giggle?"

"It might be my most favorite sound in the world," he admitted quietly. "And I'm not trying to confuse your or get your hopes up or…that's not why I'm here."

"You're here to paint Hailey's room," she said breathlessly.

"I came here to see you," he whispered. "I meant that. I just wanted to spend time with you. All day on my hike yesterday, I wanted to spend time with you. It's not as simple as I wish it were and I know it's not as simple as you deserve. I don't know what it means yet and I'm not even sure I'm someone you should have in your life but…I just need time. I need time to understand this."

"I know you do," she squeezed his thigh as she watched his hand move along her stomach. "I don't know what I want with you, either. I just know I shouldn't be the woman who jumps her doctor. I didn't want to be attracted to you either."

"Hmmm…" he breathed. "Let's just take time, okay? Let's figure out what the hell is happening and then make a call that will be good for you and Hailey."

"Okay," she agreed quietly, her hand moving from his thigh to his hand on her belly and lacing her fingers with him. "Hailey…Hailey's number one priority."

"Of course she is," he smiled. "Which probably means I need to get back to your nursery, Hailey. Your mom wants it done soon and I think that's a good idea so you two can rest a lot before you come."

"Fourteen weeks sounds like a lifetime away but I know it will probably go by really fast," Meredith agreed.

"It definitely will," Derek nodded as he stood from the couch and turned back towards the hallway. He wasn't sure what he had been asking for or what she had agreed to, but he figured time was good. Time meant he could keep going on hikes with her or helping her with stuff for the baby while he tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Derek," Her voice came from behind him just as he felt her hand on his wrist. He turned and then was suddenly against the wall, her lips crashing against his. It took him a few seconds to register what was happening, for his brain to catch up to the feeling of a petite pregnant woman pinning him to the wall as her mouth ravaged his, but then he immediately let his hands fall to her disappearing waist as he pulled her tongue into his mouth. There were nipping teeth and harsh breaths as they both tried to figure out where they wanted their hands to be and who was exactly in charge of this kiss, and eventually Meredith won out with a hard tug of his hair.

It was frustration and horniness and curiosity that fueled them and Derek pressed his hand into her lower back, pushing her into him as his other hand crept into her ponytail and pulled and tangled her hair around his fingers. She tasted amazing and felt even better as she stood on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss, the denim and buckles of her overalls catching against his t-shirt as her hand snaked around to his ass and squeezed. His moan was almost immediate and completely uncontrolled as it turned into a growl, his mouth falling from hers to press soft kisses along her long neck, her soft pants filling his ears as he pulled her head back, giving him better access.

She tasted better than anything he could have ever imagined, her skin sweet and salty all at once as he gently bit the side of her neck. His knees were bent now, Meredith's legs were shaking and he let his other hand fall to her waist again to turn them both until his body covered hers and her back was supported by the wall. It gave them both a moment to pause, their chests rising and falling violently as he looked down at her, her green eyes wild and dark and her lips an incredible red. "God, you're gorgeous," he whispered harshly.

"I…I just…wanted to see…" she panted as her hand fell between them and he gasped when she cupped his erection through his jeans. "Inappropriate…sorry…"

"Meredith…" he moaned. His hand braced against the wall, just by her head as his hips rocked, pressing himself into her palm as she rubbed experimentally. The friction from his jeans was incredible and he closed his eyes tightly, panting into her mouth. "You…fuck…" His brain was swimming, his body was so far out of his control that he wasn't sure he'd ever get it back and he opened his eyes to see Meredith staring up at him, a question in her eyes. "I…"

"I'll stop," she whispered as her finger trailed the zipper of his fly. "I just…you said it was…and I got curious and you say things and I…time…you want time."

"Stop?" He asked as he tried to connect his rational mind with the part of his brain that was telling his hips to gyrate against her hand. It had been twenty years. Twenty years since anyone had touched him and he could barely breathe or think past the feeling of Meredith's fingers against the crotch of his jeans or how tight they suddenly felt. He bent his head down to kiss her again, nipping at her bottom lip as his other hand traveled along her side, over the purple tank top that barely contained her breasts and along the smooth skin just above the waistband of the overalls. He should be grabbing her hand, should be telling her to stop, but he didn't think he could. The suitcase he had sworn he didn't have with him was long forgotten and he rolled his hips along her as she gasped and then immediately fumbled with his fly.

He was in a cloud, everything was fuzzy, but he was hyperaware of her. That flowery scent seemed to wrap around him like a blizzard, making any of his other senses fail. See. He wanted to see her but he couldn't open his eyes as he pressed urgent kisses along her mouth and cheeks. His chest was tight but in a bizarrely pleasant way and he braced himself around her as she slipped her hand into his pants and wrapped her warm fingers around him. It was really all it took, one gentle pull and Derek felt his hips buck as he emptied into Meredith's hand. "Fuck…fuck…" he gasped, his eyes flying open to look into hers. "Fuck."

"Breathe," she whispered, kissing him gently as they stood in her hallway, his hips still rocking slightly. His hands were shaking as they slid along her sides. His body was curved over hers, leaving room for her belly, and he wasn't sure what to do or say next. He still wanted to see her, wanted to see every inch of her but his cheeks were red and he looked down at her hand creeping out of his jeans.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm not…sorry."

"Don't apologize," she assured him gently, trailing her free hand along his curls. "It's been…don't apologize."

"I…." He swallowed heavily, closing his eyes at the feeling of her fingers in his hair.

"I should apologize," she whispered. "I kind of jumped you just because I was curious and that was…probably not okay."

"No apologies," Derek ordered before pressing a kiss to her forehead. He smoothed his hand over her stomach and then looked down at her. "You're…Meredith…"

"Still no suitcase?" She asked quietly.

"No suitcase," he promised because he wasn't going to pick it up now. His brain was too fuzzy to do it and he still had to paint Hailey's nursery. And he wanted to look at Meredith, really look at her, but he wasn't sure how to ask. He didn't know how to do this anymore and he shivered as she squeezed his hand. "Meredith."

"It's okay," she breathed. "Are you okay?"

"Fuzzy," he laughed before taking a deep breath. "I…Hailey's nursery."

"Right, painting," she nodded, squeezing his hand again. His brain was starting to clear, his breathing was starting to come back to normal, and he pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before backing up from her, unpinning her from the wall. "Stay here a second. I'm going to grab a tissue to clean up."

"Okay," he nodded as she went through a doorway just a bit further down from the hallway. He leaned back against the wall, letting his forehead fall against it as he took another deep breath. He wasn't going to pick up the suitcase. His mind was clearer, he should be freaking out about what had just happened, but he wasn't going to pick it up until he got home. It had felt too good to panic about this, and while Alison's name was floating on the surface of his brain, while the image of her parents aged by loss as they informed him he wasn't to go to the cemetery was starting to hit him, he didn't want to do this now. He just wanted to paint Hailey's nursery and then, maybe, at least for a few hours, pretend to be someone who could be normal for Meredith and her baby.

It probably didn't say a lot about his routine for the next week that he was trying so hard not to have one today. He didn't know what the ramifications would be or if he would have nightmares or how his brain would choose to punish him, but for now, he just wanted to enjoy this feeling. He wanted to be the kind of man who Meredith deserved, the kind of man who could worship her and never hurt her. If he could just be that man for a few more hours, then maybe this would all start to make sense to him. He needed it to make sense, and he wasn't sure if it was because he wanted his old life back or if he was wanting something more, something that resembled moving forward.

_Well, you have suffered enough_

_And warred with yourself_

_It's time that you won_


	15. The Quiet and Confusion of My Heart

**Chapter 15- The Quiet and Confusion of My Heart**

It had been a really strange day that hadn't gone at all the way he had thought this weird Sunday would go. It had already been so off the mark of his routine that he hadn't thought it could go anywhere else. For the first time in eighteen years, he was breaking routines and one small break seemed to be leading to many small breaks and he wasn't sure how to feel about those breaks. He had spent his afternoon painting a nursery for a baby that wasn't his so that he could help a woman he was desperately attracted to. These little breaks seemed to be leading to a bigger break that he wasn't sure he was ready for. He had done his best all day not to carry the suitcase or to even think about it and he thought he had done pretty well. But now that he was standing in the middle of a freshly painted nursery, eyeing his work, he could feel the weight of the suitcase starting to weigh on him.

Because of the fumes, he had been firm about Meredith not being allowed in the nursery, and it meant he had had a whole afternoon to be alone with his thoughts. He had never been uncomfortable with his thoughts, which was probably how he had managed to stay sane over the last eighteen years, living on his own in Oakbrook Falls. His years of fishing and hiking with his dad had taught him to just be silent with his own brain, and he had been fine with not turning on music while he had painted. It had given him the opportunity to think about Meredith Grey, Hailey Grey, and the magnetic pull he felt. He hadn't changed the way he lived, but Meredith had somehow found her way into his walled off life and he didn't quite understand how or why. Over the years, he hadn't felt the lack of much. He missed Alison, he wondered what his life would have been like if she had lived, but he had never felt like his life was empty beyond that. And now Meredith and her unborn baby had crashed into his life, demanding a space to fit when he hadn't thought he had that.

He had worked hard to build the life he had now, and maybe even harder to put up the wall that was around it. No one had told him to build a wall or to keep people out, but it had felt easier than talking about the accident or what he had destroyed that night in November. He had a lot to atone for and the idea of someone trying to talk him out of that by getting into his life made him almost angry. Meredith seemed to understand that he was still grieving, that he owed Alison more than just some timed, linear line of grief, but he didn't want her to jump in and change it all. And that was what she had been doing since the second she had fallen in the shower and limped into his office.

From the outside, she wasn't taking a sledgehammer to his life and knocking down his walls. She was afraid of the wall, of the suitcase he had been carrying for twenty years, but it was like neither of them could help themselves when they were around each other. From the first weird spark of electricity that had moved him when he had met her to the kiss in the hallway just a few hours earlier, he couldn't help himself around her. It was a new feeling and almost felt like a sledgehammer in some ways. He didn't know why he had to be around her or why he felt some kind of intense connection with her unborn baby. He didn't know why being around Meredith was enough to make him forget the giant suitcase he had been carrying with him for twenty years. Even now, just standing in her daughter's nursery with mint green spattered on his t-shirt, he felt like the suitcase was at least a little smaller. It would probably blow up in his face tonight at his own place, but right now, he didn't feel like he was struggling to breathe.

It was all so complicated right now and he didn't completely understand it. He had spent the last few hours really trying to pick apart what was happening but all that he came back to was that he hadn't needed this. He had thought the walls were strong enough to withstand this, but they apparently weren't, and now he was constantly going back and forth between spending time with Meredith and staying at home, fortifying what he had tried to build. At this point, he didn't know what would be best for him, and he didn't know how he would find the answer. He just knew he couldn't keep doing this without the answer.

He arched his back and then turned to walk out of the nursery, rolling his sore shoulders a bit. He probably needed to go home and really take some time to think about Alison and that horrific night. Meredith made it hard for him to focus on that and a part of him almost missed the flashes of lights that sometimes accompanied his panic. Tomorrow, he could start his week off right and he would do his best not to be sidetracked by Meredith and Hailey, but things were starting to feel a little out of his control, which was absolutely terrifying. The therapist had been firm that finding control again would help him, and he didn't want to slide back to where he had been before he had found Oakbrook Falls. "Meredith?" He called as he walked down the hallway where she had kissed him, where she had brought him to orgasm with just a slight touch. It had been far too long since a woman had touched him and just her soft, gentle touch had been enough to make at least a corner of the wall come crashing down.

"Kitchen!" She called back and he immediately turned towards her voice. He needed to ignore the suitcase for a little bit longer, which was usually pretty easy around her. She was fundamentally calming and that was one of the first things he had noticed about her, even before he had felt the sexual pull. He took another deep breath and then let it out slowly before walking into the kitchen, pausing when he saw her at the stove. Her blonde waves were piled up high on the top of her head, exposing her thin neck, and he took a small step forward. She was stirring something on the stove, but his eyes immediately went to the way her free hand rested on her curved lower back, her fingers rubbing slightly against the denim of her overalls.

"Hailey's nursery is all painted," he announced.

"Oh good," she grinned at him, turning slowly from the stove. Her cheeks were an adorable pink and he couldn't help but return the smile. "How does it look?"

"Well, I think it looks good enough for a princess but I think you're the one who can make the final call," Derek explained, peeking into the pot to see macaroni and cheese.

"Do I have to wait for it to dry?"

"You can take a minute or two to poke your head in," he laughed, watching as she put the spoon down and then lifted the pot off the burner. Her belly looked even bigger somehow and he frowned slightly as her now free hand moved to join the other on her back, rubbing it slowly. "Are you sore?"

"I always am at the end of the day," she shrugged. "And she's in a weird position right now."

"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly.

"Don't get the doctor look on your face," Meredith shook her head as she looked up at him. "You're not here as my doctor, and even if you are, you know backache is normal for someone who is so close to their third trimester."

"This is not my doctor look," he denied quickly. "I just...as...Derek, I can worry."

"Well, it's very hard to take Derek seriously when he has mint green paint in his hair," she giggled as she reached up to pick at his curls.

"Not a good look for me?"

"Not your color," she shrugged and then her hand dropped as her eyes turned a little dark. "I...the hallway..."

"Don't," he shook his hand. "Not again."

"I just...I don't want..."

"Meredith, please," he whispered, leaning close to her even as he felt the suit case start to weigh in his hand. "It was...I don't get it and I don't know what to think but please don't apologize. It was good."

"Good?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Great," he corrected as he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to kiss the tip of her nose. She was adorable and worried about him and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to lean down and press his lips lightly against her nose. It immediately wrinkled and he laughed as he ran his hand along her cheek. "It was great."

"Okay," she breathed, arching her back. "Let's see Hailey's nursery."

"I agree," he nodded. "And then you can get into bed and I'll bring your Mac and cheese to you there and you don't have to get up again."

"I'm fine," she rolled her eyes before brushing past him. His eyes immediately fell to her back and the way her gait seemed to shift and change as she walked down the hallway. It wasn't a full blown waddle, but it was definitely a change and he took a deep breath to walk closely behind her. He needed to go home, needed to take a deep deep breath, and try to figure out what to do with the suitcase and his cracked walls. But he wanted to make sure she was comfortable and happy before he went and tried to patch up the cracks. Tomorrow was a new week and he could do a lot of work on his wall, if he wanted to. Which he absolutely did, he couldn't make it an if situation. He had to work on his wall and try to figure out if it could still hold him and his suitcase. And maybe he needed to stop using Meredith's own metaphor for what was happening with him.

"Remember, just a peek today," he reminded her. "I left the window open slightly so it can be aired out. It will be cold in there so in the morning, go in dressed a little warmer. And give it a couple days before the smell goes away. I don't want you getting lightheaded or sick."

"I'll be fine, Derek," she laughed softly as she reached to open the door of her daughter's future nursery. He thought the mint green would be perfect for the little girl, and he could already imagine Meredith sitting in a rocking chair with a tiny baby, rocking her to sleep in the peace and quiet of Oakbrook Falls. "Oh wow."

"Is that a good wow?" Derek asked, coming to stand behind her. His hand immediately moved to her lower back, just under her own hands and he started to rub slowly, working at the tense muscles as she looked around the room.

"It's…god, that feels amazing," she breathed. Her eyes slid shut and he put a little more pressure at the base of her spine, massaging against the denim of her overalls. Her breath hitched as her body began to relax and he let her rest into his side. "Derek…"

"How's Hailey's nursery?" He asked softly. "Good enough for a princess?"

"It's beautiful," Meredith nodded as she opened her eyes. "Thank you. Seriously."

"You're welcome," he whispered, pressing his thumb along her spine.

"If you keep doing this, I'm not going to let you leave," she warned as she rubbed her stomach.

"I have to leave," Derek admitted softly. He moved his free hand to her belly, smiling at the feeling of Hailey making the front of Meredith's stomach bulge with her movements. "And I wasn't kidding about getting you into bed with your dinner before I leave."

"I really am fine, Derek," she insisted. "This is normal for me at this point and it's probably just going to get worse. She's getting bigger and I'm getting bigger and…it's okay."

"Great, it's normal," he agreed before shifting to reach for the door handle. "But I'm here. So let's let this paint dry and figure out how to make you more comfortable."

"You're not going to let me say no, are you?"

"Definitely not," he shook his head.

"Fine," Meredith groaned. She turned and waddled slightly back down the hallway before opening a door just down the hall from Hailey's nursery. The bed was unmade, the sheets tangled at the end of the bed where her laptop also rested. He almost felt like he was intruding, but he wanted her to get comfortable and he knew that meant he needed to help her. She reached across the bed for her pajamas and Derek bent down to pick up a few pillows that were on the floor. His sisters always wanted a million pillows when they were pregnant, and that seemed like the right idea now.

"Do you need any help?" He asked quietly, piling the pillows onto her bed. Her hands seemed to pause on the buckles of her overalls, almost like she had forgotten he was there. He needed to turn and walk away, but a part of him did wonder what she looked like underneath her clothes. The paper gowns at the hospital didn't exactly hide everything, but he wondered what it would be like to run his hands along her changing body. The thought alone made him feel panic rise in him, but he didn't want to give into it. He stared at the pale green sheets on the bed and then jumped when his phone rang in his pocket. "Sorry," he whispered as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, Chris's daughter's name coming across the screen. "I have to take this, I'll be right back."

"Okay," she nodded, her hands cradling her belly.

"I'll grab you dinner, get comfy," he ordered before slipping out of her room and answering the call. "Tegan?"

"Derek, hi," Chris's daughter replied. It had been a while since he had heard her voice shake, and he hated hearing it now. "I…are you…Dad's chest hurts and he's feeling short of breath. He says he just has a chest cold but it could be his pacemaker, right? This could be some kind of damage being done?"

"It could be," he said carefully. "The last time I checked his pacemaker everything was running perfectly but things can happen. Does his chest feel tight or is it more just that it's a little sore?"

"He just rubs it occasionally after he coughs," Tegan reported. "He swears it's a cold and maybe I'm overreacting but we lost Mommy a year ago and I just…I want to be sure he's okay. And you can call in Medevac if you need to like you did when he had his heart attack."

"I can but don't get ahead of yourself, Tegan," he soothed as he walked into Meredith's kitchen. He could at least bring her food before running over to Chris's. "Your dad is healthy and I'm saying that as his doctor. I'll be there as fast as I can, okay?"

"Okay," she breathed.

"Go sit with him and I'll be there soon," Derek ordered. "And don't tell him I'm coming or he'll be stubborn and get that attitude he gets whenever he doesn't want me around."

"Okay," Tegan repeated. "Thanks, Derek."

"There's never a reason to thank me, Tegan," he assured her before ending the call. Chris was probably fine and there was very little reason to panic. The old man was stubborn and refused to get a flu shot no matter how much Derek tried to pressure him into it. But Tegan was worried and that was more than enough reason for him to get over there as possible. It meant he wouldn't be able to get Meredith comfortable, but it at least seemed like a good idea to get her dinner to her with the offer to come back if she needed him. She probably wouldn't but the offer would be on the table and really, he was pretty sure he could rationalize it as a house call. She was technically his patient, and he wasn't going to think about the fact she was the only one of his patients he desperately wanted to kiss. "Mer?" He called before knocking on her door.

"You can come in," she called back and he opened the door to see her already in bed, resting back against the mountain of pillows he had been building before his phone had rang. Her tank top still didn't fit, but she looked more comfortable in the black yoga pants as she sat cross-legged, both of her hands resting on her naked belly. His eyes weren't sure if they wanted to be at her stomach or her breasts that were swelling out of the purple tank top and he swallowed as he walked forward, handing her a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

"I have to go," he murmured. "I just got an emergency house call."

"And here I was starting to think I was the only one who got house calls from Dr. Shepherd," she giggled.

"Trust me, you're not," he laughed, letting his fingers brush along her stomach as he sat down next to her. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine, Derek," she shook her head quickly. "You don't…I mean, I know you're my doctor and you're…but you don't have to worry."

"I know I don't," he sighed. He didn't know how to describe to her why he was here or even how he viewed her. They weren't friends; friends didn't make out in hall ways or jerk each other off. But he didn't know who she was to him or how he was supposed to just pretend that he didn't want to kiss her again. And worse, he could see the battle playing out in her eyes. She wanted to kiss him too, but she knew about the huge suitcase and while she didn't know about about what was in it, she knew enough to know kissing him probably wasn't the best idea. And he knew all of it which should have been enough reminder for him to walk away from a pregnant single mom who had been hurt.

"Hailey and I will be fine," she insisted as her long fingers trailed over the curve of her belly. "And she says thank you for painting her room today."

"You're very welcome, Hailey," Derek laughed softly, reaching out to rub her stomach. "If your mom tries to do anything on a ladder in your princess room, remind her to call me."

"Ignore him, baby girl," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Hmmm..." he stood up from her bed. "Try to relax. If you need anything, call me."

"I'll be fine," she stated as scooted underneath her blankets and then rested the bowl on top of the curve of her stomach. "Go help the person who actually needs help."

"I'm going," he nodded and then looked down at her. He couldn't do it. He wanted to kiss her, wanted to feel her body warm against his, but the suitcase was getting heavy and a part of him was wondering what would happen once he was home tonight. He had joked with her about turning into a pumpkin once Hailey came, but he felt like he was the one who was running out of time. He had taken one day to peek out from behind his cracked walls and once he was home, he was sure he could repair them and start his week out in the same way he had started it for eighteen years. His lungs expanded with the deep breath he took in and then he let out the sigh before leaning to press a soft kiss to the top of her head, taking in the flowery scent that surrounded him. "Take care of yourself."

"I will," she promised, though she didn't move a muscle as his hand moved along her neck and then to her stomach as Hailey kicked.

"You, too, Princess," he whispered and he rubbed the spot one more time before he turned and walked out of Meredith's room. He had no idea if that had been it, if that was the last thing he had done with his first day of freedom in twenty years, but it had to be enough. He pulled his sweater and jacket on and then walked out into the cold evening, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He just needed to grab his bag and then he could go see Chris, and try to clear his mind of all the thoughts racing right now. Thoughts about wanting Meredith, about needing her, and what exactly that meant for him, or what it couldn't mean.

With each snow-crunching step he took, he felt the suitcase starting to appear again. It started with the weight of it crushing his chest, making it harder to breathe, and then it started to overtake his brain: reminding him of why he couldn't want Meredith or what he had promised himself after he had come to Oakbrook Falls. He hated that the petite pregnant blonde had this kind of power over him and hated even more that he wanted to turn around and run back to her to hide the suitcase again. It had all the building blocks for the walls, and he didn't want it to be Meredith's responsibility to keep the wall from being rebuilt. She had enough going on and he didn't need to use her for this. But the fact she made the suitcase disappear for hours made it hard to tell why he wanted to be around her so much. The voice that had been apart of his life for years told him that it was just because Meredith made him forget, but there was that smaller voice that had been trying to drown out his usual voice that told him something else was happening here.

But for something to happen, he would have to put down his suitcase and he just felt like he couldn't do that. Meredith and her baby daughter deserved so much more and he hated that he couldn't give it to them. If he started to go down that path, he just didn't see himself coming back. Being normal sounded beyond nice, but he wasn't normal. He had chosen this life and that had never bothered him until he had met Meredith. It all just felt like some kind of bomb, ticking away at his life until it eventually exploded. He just wasn't sure how the pieces would fall after the explosion, or if he needed to be running in the opposite direction before it happened.

It only took him a minute to grab his bag and then he walked quickly down the street towards Chris's house, thankful at least for the break in his confusion. Chris had had a heart attack a couple months after his wife's death and had struggled with an arrhythmia ever since. The pacemaker had been a battle, but Derek had been sure it was the right choice and every appointment since the surgery had been beyond positive. But he could understand why Tegan would be concerned and he wasn't going to take any chances. This was his job and his life and it was the best part of it. He shifted his bag to his hand and leaned on Chris's door bell, letting his brain relax into doctor mode and far away from the craziness of his own life.

"Derek, thank you so much for coming," Tegan greeted him, her graying brown hair pulled back into a ponytail as she opened the door. "I got him into bed and he's been grumbling."

"That sounds like Chris," Derek laughed softly as he took his jacket off. "Is he running a fever?"

"I…oh god, I didn't think to check," she whispered, shaking her head. "I should think about these things. I'm moving my whole family here to take care of my elderly father and I didn't think to take his temperature."

"Tegan, whatever you do, don't tell your dad you're here to take care of him," he told her as he squeezed her arm. "I'll go check him out. Why don't you go make him a cup of tea with some honey for his throat?"

"What…what if it's not a cold?" Tegan breathed.

"Then we'll cross that bridge, but we're not there yet," he promised her. "Get that tea started and I'll see what we're dealing with."

"Okay," Chris's daughter nodded as she turned towards the kitchen and Derek made his way down the hallway to Chris's bedroom. A year earlier, he had walked the hall about a hundred times in a twenty-four hour period as he had sat with Chris and Amy in her last hours. It had been one of the hardest things to watch as Chris had said goodbye to the woman he had been married to since the age of eighteen and Derek had found himself curling up in his bed and crying for hours afterwards. Strangely, Amy's touches were still all over the house: her pictures were still up, the blanket she had made for Chris during her chemotherapy was still draped over his arm chair, and it just felt like Amy had stepped out for a day, even a year later.

"Chris?" Derek called, knocking at the door before opening it. The older man was in bed, his blanket pulled up to his neck as he rubbed his chest.

"I better be hallucinating you," Chris groaned before he coughed.

"I'm not sure if that would be more or less concerning," Derek shook his head as he stripped off his jacket and put his bag on the end of the bed. "Tegan says you're out of breath and your chest hurts."

"My daughter showed up tonight and couldn't figure out what else might cause that," the older man shook his head as he sat up slowly. "My head and throat hurt too."

"Sounds like a cold or the flu," Derek agreed, taking his stethoscope out of his bag. "Lift your shirt for me."

"That's what I told her," Chris winced as he lifted his shirt. Derek listened to his heart, taking note of the steady rhythm of his heart as Chris breathed. "She's paranoid."

"Your heart sounds good," Derek stated, leaning behind Chris to listen to his lungs. "Deep breaths for me."

"If you don't mind me coughing," Chris nodded, taking a deep breath in that immediately turned into a cough, but his lungs sounded clear and Derek nodded as he took he stethoscope out of his ears and reached for Chris's wrist. "You don't have that look you get on your face, Doc."

"What look?" Derek asked, glancing at his watch.

"The someone is dying look."

"Because no one is dying," he smiled at his friend before reaching for the thermometer.

"Good, tell my crazy daughter that."

"Stop talking for a minute and I'll decide what to tell her," Derek rolled his eyes as he slipped the thermometer under Chris's tongue and looked around the bedroom. Amy's nightstand hadn't changed at all since that night a year ago, except for the lack of orange medicine bottles now. The picture of her and Chris with their grandkids climbing all over them was still there, along with the lotion she had always loved. Her watch sat on the edge of the nightstand, like she had just taken it off, and Derek shifted slightly when he felt Chris's eyes follow his. He reached forward to take the thermometer and looked down as Chris coughed again. "You do have a slight fever. What was that I said about a flu shot?"

"Dave never should have you taught you to be a smart ass," Chris shook his head. "Am I dying?"

"Didn't I just say no one is dying?" Derek raised his eyebrows. "You have the beginnings of the flu that I want to keep an eye on so it doesn't turn into pneumonia. But your heart sounds good, though I will run back to the office to check the read outs."

"I keep telling Tegan not to overreact," Chris sighed heavily. "I'm not feeling it's time to join Amy yet."

"She lost her mom, Chris. I think she gets to be worried about losing her dad."

"I didn't say she didn't," he shrugged as he leaned back against his pillows again. "I don't necessarily think we lost Amy though."

"What?" Derek frowned.

"I know she's dead so don't get that look on your face, Doc," Chris laughed and then coughed roughly. "I just mean…I talk to her every single day. I'm not looking for her to answer, but I talk to her every single day. And I think about her every day. We were married for fifty-three years and I'm not sure why I'd kill her twice."

"Chris, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," Derek shook his head. "But I'm going to get you a cough suppressant."

"Hmmm…" Chris nodded slowly. "You painting the house?"

"Oh…" Derek ran his hand through hair as he turned to put his stethoscope back in his bag. "I was painting Meredith's baby's nursery. She's…well, she needed some help."

"I've been meaning to ask about the new journalist in town."

"There's nothing to ask."

"You have been spending a lot of time with her," Chris pointed out.

"One of those times was thanks to you, old man," Derek rolled his eyes. "It's nothing. It can't…she just needs some help."

"Of course not," Chris nodded slowly and then cocked his head to the side. "We've known each other a hell of a long time, Derek."

"Eighteen years," Derek agreed softly.

"Eighteen years and you know what I've been trying to figure out for all of them?"

"Why I'm such a pain in the ass?"

"No, though I still need to figure out that one too," Chris shook his head, his eyes meeting Derek's. "I'm still trying to figure out who the hell you're trying to kill twice. I figure you have to be trying, there's no other reason a young guy like you moves to this town, especially eighteen years ago."

"I still have no idea what you're talking about and I'm starting to get worried," Derek frowned, closing his bag and standing from the bed.

"There are two ways to kill someone, Doc. One is to out and out kill them, which I don't think you did. And the other is to try to forget a person you loved ever existed. And I'll tell you…one is way more painful than the other."

"And what if it's both?" Derek heard himself ask before he could stop himself.

"I don't buy it," Chris shook his head quickly. "You were a good kid when you came into town. Quiet and sad, but good. Whatever guilt you have gnawing at you…and I'm not saying I know that it is because hell if I can figure it out…but whatever it is, that's not helping anymore than forgetting her is."

"I think the fever is getting to you, Chris, I really do," Derek said quickly. "I'm going to run to the office, check your read outs, and then bring you a cough suppressant. Stay in bed for the next few days and I'll stop in before and after I go to the office. And let your daughter take care of you."

"You're a bossy little shit, you know that?" Chris groaned.

"So you've said for eighteen years," Derek laughed slightly as he turned towards the door where Tegan was standing with a mug of tea. "It's the beginnings of the flu. I'm prescribing a cough suppressant and bed rest."

"Oh thank god," Tegan breathed, shaking her head. "I know…Dad, don't look at me like that. You have a bad heart and I get to worry.'

"It's not that bad," Chris rolled his eyes. "Next time give it a couple hours before you call the Doc."

"She did the right thing by calling me," Derek insisted, squeezing Tegan's arm. "I'll be back in about half an hour. I just want to check the read outs from the pacemaker."

"Thanks, Derek," Tegan breathed as she moved towards her dad's bed.

"Just give what I said a thought, Doc," Chris offered. "I'm old but I'm sharp as a tack."

"I'm good, Chris," Derek sighed before turning to walk out of the bedroom. His brain was rushing again, loud waves crashing against each other as thoughts fought to come to the surface and he didn't know which one to focus on. His fingers itched to pull out his phone and check on Meredith, to see how her grilled cheese had been and his chest had the tight panicky feeling he had almost forgotten about today. It was easy to want the peace again, easy to walk out of Chris's house and desperately want to go back to Meredith, but he wasn't sure it would help. Actually, he was pretty sure it would help short-term but he needed to figure out a long-term fix.

He had spent the last eighteen years desperately hiding his past from everyone in town. He had tried to keep up the personality he needed to be a successful doctor and he had figured he had done a good job. He had put his suitcase behind a wall and he had been sure to keep people as far away from it as possible. For years, it had worked for him and he hadn't minded it. His family had hated it but that hadn't mattered to him. At least, it hadn't mattered until now. It hadn't mattered until he had spent his day painting a baby's nursery and being worried about a woman he couldn't fall for. And while he wasn't sure he really understood what Chris was saying, he did understand the guilt part. It was the biggest object in his suitcase and he had never been able to fold it down to a smaller size. So it just stayed in the suitcase, almost bursting out of it, and right now, his biggest fear was that the walls he had carefully erected around the danger of the guilt weren't going to be able to withstand Meredith Grey. And even more terrifying, he wasn't sure he wanted to still protect it.

_Remember those walls I built?_

_Well, baby they're tumbling down_

_And they didn't even put up a fight_

_They didn't even make a sound_


	16. An Act of Surrender

**Chapter 16- An Act of Surrender**

The pregnancy app hadn't said anything about impulsivity issues. She had gone through each week and read it all really carefully and nowhere had it said anything about a risk of impulsive behavior, specifically jacking off her doctor in her hallway after he offered to paint her daughter's nursery. It had been five days and she genuinely couldn't believe that she had actually done it, or that she had even put her guard down like that. She had sworn she wasn't going to keep doing this thing with Derek, but the second he walked into a room, it was all over. No matter how much she tried to remind herself that he was broken and had twenty years worth of baggage, she couldn't help but just want to be with him in any way she could be. And at this point, all she could figure was that her pregnancy was making her act out impulsively.

But then there was the other part of her that reminded her that when Derek wasn't feeling dark and twisty or guilty about Alison, he was probably the gentlest man she had ever met. He had no problem with touching her belly or feeling Hailey kick. He actually talked to her unborn daughter, which had to be unusual behavior for most men. Hailey wasn't his, but Derek acted like she was, and she absolutely loved that. More than once in the last five days, she had caught herself daydreaming about Derek tucking Hailey into her crib at the end of the day, softly murmuring to a fussy baby who didn't want sleep. It was stupid and she knew that, but she couldn't forget how gentle he had been with her before he had been called away. He was her doctor, there were probably a hundred reasons for him to be concerned about her being around paint fumes or climbing on step ladders, but he had stayed to make sure she was comfortable in bed. He had brought her food and all but tucked her in before leaving. It was just so unexpected.

She had dated before but never really with the intent of a forever kind of situation. It wasn't that she didn't believe in it, she just had been focused on other things until it had just felt too late. But now her brain was doing this crazy thing where she pictured Derek in her life, in her baby's life, and that had to be…stupid. It was stupid and crazy and she was really starting to hate hormones. She had been dedicated to raising her daughter by herself, and picturing a damaged doctor in her life just wasn't smart. It was clear he liked her, she was smart enough to see that he was attracted to her and he liked her and maybe even cared about her, but he wasn't looking for the life she had daydreamed about over the last few days. He wasn't looking for anything and she wanted to believe she would back away, but she knew what happened whenever she was around him.

A part of her was still horrified that she actually jerked him off in her hallway. He had let something big and scary slip and instead of just filing that information away, she had let her curiosity get the best of her. She had felt his erection a couple of different times when they kissed and it had never once occurred to her that Derek hadn't had sex in two decades. But when he had said it, she had just…she hadn't even been sure what she had wanted to know. She never would have done it if she had thought it would upset him, but he had felt amazing in her hand and his almost instant orgasm probably suggested that he was long overdue for sex. Every inch of her stupid body wanted to have sex with him, but that was just not going to happen. She was six months pregnant and that just seemed like…not the best of ideas, probably.

The whole thing was just weird and confusing and even worse, she had missed him in the last five days. The coffee shop had been open, but Chris was sick and it just hadn't felt the same without him, so she really hadn't gone in much, and even when she had, Derek hadn't been there. Apparently he was splitting his time between the office and getting the town through the first round of the flu, which meant making a lot of home visits. And while she loved the idea of Derek being the town's super doctor or whatever, she did miss him. She had spent her days writing or starting the work on Hailey's nursery and it had been hard not to text him and ask him to come over. He would be able to help with the gold foil stars she had had ordered to put on the walls, which she really wanted to do before she built her daughter's crib. But she had left him alone, if only to let him have his life without her bulldozing through whatever pain he was in.

And really, she was on a time crunch, even if she wasn't totally ready to admit it. She was about to start her third trimester, Thanksgiving was a week away, which meant Christmas was coming and Hailey was scheduled to make her appearance only a couple months after Christmas. She could swear her body was reminding her about the time crunch, especially after a random growth spurt had taken over her belly and her daughter had started moving even more. There was literally nothing her baby loved more than moving around and it usually led to her belly looking really weird as her now two pound daughter found new and interesting positions to practice moving in. It all just meant she was getting more uncomfortable and maybe waddling a little, but definitely feeling a sense of urgency. That mixed with her weird desire to constantly be around Derek was making her brain run in circles she couldn't stop.

Tonight though, she was going to actually take part in something her new hometown was doing. She was going to live here, she was going to raise her daughter here, and she kind of figured that she needed to get used to all of the weird small town things they did every year. Even though Thanksgiving was still six days away, the town apparently always put up the Christmas tree the week before and then lit it up in a big ceremony that consisted of a small festival, complete with hot cocoa booths and games for the kids. The town itself had been lit up by fairy lights since Halloween, but now they were officially starting the Christmas season and apparently people from all over the area came to see it. So she was abandoning her writing to see what it was like, and to maybe, possibly catch a glimpse of the town doctor.

It was just so stupid, but she had actually done her hair tonight and put on a little bit of make up and while her new purple sweater dress would actually be hidden under her winter coat, she was actually feeling pretty good about herself. Yes, she was pregnant but she wasn't feeling huge yet and she actually thought she looked kind of pretty. It was just another sign that her brain had gone completely haywire due to insane hormones, because dressing up to impress the town doctor who was struggling with his past was just the stupidest thing she could do. But she had done it and now she was walking through a sea of people as everyone crowded on Main Street.

It had been a warmer day, but a cold front was moving in and there were a few snow flurries dancing through the air before melting as they hit the ground. It all felt like a weird Christmas movie on Netflix but she was actually here and living it. She was going to bring her little daughter into this little town that felt like it was separate from the rest of the world, and she really couldn't wait. Next year, she'd bring her nine month old baby to this and watch her little eyes light up and that just…it felt right. Nothing in her life had gone the way she thought it would but she was really starting to like this turn a lot.

She rested her hand on her belly as Hailey moved inside her and tried to find her way to the edge of the boisterous crowd. The Christmas tree was huge but still unlit and she really wasn't sure she wanted to be in the thick of things right now. Hot cocoa wouldn't be a bad idea, but the tree was supposed to are lit any minute now and she just wanted to feel like she could breathe in the crowd. She had spent the majority of her adult life in New York City, but somehow this felt too constricting and she stood on her tiptoes in an effort to see over the crowd of people. It immediately shifted her center of gravity, which she was steadily losing anyway, and she teetered before a pair of strong hands closed around her arms. "Hey," Derek's soft voice came from behind her as he pulled her into his chest. "Careful."

"Derek," she smiled, turning slightly to look at him. He looked exhausted, there were dark circles under his blue eyes and there was what looked like the beginnings of a beard growing along his jawline. But his eyes were soft as he looked down at her and she felt her body relax. "I didn't expect so many people."

"People from all over come every year," he shrugged as he squeezed her arm gently before his hands fell back to his sides. "Feeling a little claustrophobic?"

"A little yeah," she admitted before resting her hand on her stomach again. "I feel like I might get in the way."

"You won't, especially once the crowd disperses after they light the tree," he assured her. He looked around the crowd and then reached for her free hand. He wasn't wearing gloves but his hand seemed strangely warm for the weather, even through her own gloves. "Come on."

"Okay," she agreed. He had pulled her close to him, their hands still tightly clasped together as they moved through the crowd and she hated that every reservation she had had about being with him again was already gone. This felt right, maybe too right, and she didn't want to just let go of his hand. His fingers seemed to flex gently around hers and she answered with a small squeeze of her own, thrilling at the shock that moved up and down her arm, and apparently his too if his glance down at her meant anything.

"I'm running first aid with Patty," he explained as he led her to a small tent that was set up on the curb, just far away enough from the crowd that she felt like she could breathe again, but close enough that she could still see the tree perfectly. "She'll watch them light the tree with her family and then meet me here."

"You don't want to watch them light the tree?" Meredith asked softly.

"I can see it from here," he shook his head after a second and then he turned to switch on a battery operated lantern. Its light was harsh and she winced at the shadows it created on Derek's angular face.

"You look…" she started and then stopped as he opened a folding chair for her.

"Like crap?" Derek smiled slightly. "You can say it. I…the whole town has been coming down with the flu and I think I got a touch of it, or a bad cold at least. It's…I was going to call you. After…I was going to call you. But I've been fighting this off and trying to take care of everyone else and I just…"

"You don't have to explain, Derek," she assured him.

"I do," he shook his head. The lantern light played off the grays in his dark curls and she fought the urge to reach out and run her fingers over his hair. "That night…I don't want you to think you jerked me off and I wouldn't call you again."

"It really is okay,' she stressed, reaching for his hand again. "You had a job to do and I would have seen you eventually. I have an appointment next week."

"You do," he agreed. "And every two weeks after that. Though I think at your thirty-fourth week we should take a trip to Syracuse so you can meet the obstetrician who would be delivering her."

"Oh…yeah, okay," Meredith agreed, brushing her hand along her stomach. She had probably gotten too used to the idea of Derek being her doctor, of having an excuse to be around him, but she had known the closer she got to her due date, she'd have to start seeing an actual obstetrician.

"Usually, he lets me keep up appointments with patients until their thirty-eighth week," Derek explained softly and she noticed for the first time that his voice sounded a little hoarse. "And if you want me at the hospital when you go into labor…"

"Can we talk about it later?" Meredith stopped him. "I know I'm on a time crunch but making birth plans and talking about Syracuse and the hospital makes me feel a little…I mean, it's a lot."

"Okay," he nodded before sitting down in his own folding chair. He just looked tired and spent and Meredith gave into her urge to run her fingers through his hair, smiling slightly as his eyes closed and his body relaxed slightly.

"Are you really okay?" She asked softly.

"I will be," her doctor whispered as he leaned towards her, almost resting his face against her stomach as she ran her gloved fingers through his hair. "I'm not a big…this is hard most of the time. It's hard and my routine has been…I'm not even sure I have one anymore."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"Hmmm…" he sighed but then didn't say anything. He just rested his head against her stomach, his hands clasped in his lap as he slouched in the chair. They were surrounded by people, she could hear them outside the tent, but it was like they were in their own little world and she could feel herself slipping into that daydream again. "How's the princess doing?" He suddenly asked and she looked down to see his hand gently slide up to her belly.

"She's good," she smiled, feeling her throat close slightly at the sight. This was what she kept thinking about, kept daydreaming about, and it was so stupid. He was doing it and she could tell he wanted to do it, but there was the unspoken fact that he wasn't a big fan of the tree lighting because of his past and because Alison was gone and she had died after Thanksgiving. It hung in the air like an oppressive smoke that she couldn't get away from, but she didn't want to anyway. "My app said this is prime moving time and she really is living up to it."

"Good for you, Hailey," Derek laughed quietly just as It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas filled the night air and he pulled away from her. "They're about to light the tree."

"Oh, yeah," she whispered, almost wondering if the sound of their bubble popping was just in her head or an actual thing she could hear. She stepped away from him with a soft sigh and looked out the flap of the tent to see the mayor up on stage as the song played. The whole street seemed to go quiet, like they were all holding their breath, and Meredith smiled widely as the tree suddenly lit up, twinkling in shades of red, green, blue, and white as the whole town clapped. "Have you ever watched a crappy Christmas movie on Netflix?" She turned to Derek, who was staring down at his hands.

"No," he shook his head. "My sisters love them though."

"Right now, in this very second, I genuinely feel like I'm living in one," she told him and then smiled as he laughed again. It was hoarse and it led to a soft cough but it still lit up his exhausted features almost more than the Christmas tree and she found herself sitting in the chair next to him, her hand immediately reaching for his. "I mean, don't get me wrong, that was really beautiful and I know Christmas tree lightings are always a big deal but…the snow flurries and the Christmas music and the whole town…it just feels very…cheesy Christmas movie."

"I know," he whispered, his eyes falling to her hand. "I'm so glad you decided to get the flu shot on your last visit."

"You are?"

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "The idea of getting you sick and then you and Hailey…"

"We're fine, Derek," Meredith reminded him with a soft squeeze of his hand. "And totally not professional opinion that I have no business giving…I think you're just exhausted."

"Maybe," he sighed as he shifted in his chair to be closer to her. "Are you leaving for Thanksgiving?"

"No, I'm staying here," she replied. "My sister is flying out to Seattle to be with my parents and the idea of being on a plane right now just didn't sound that great. I'll see them when they fly in for Christmas."

"That makes sense," he nodded.

"What about you?"

"Hmmm…" Derek shook his head. 'I'll stay here. My family…I don't really do Thanksgiving. They get it."

"Oh," she breathed, glancing at him before looking back out at the Christmas tree. Lexie had said her boyfriend claimed Derek was a hermit, that he had completely cut out his family and never saw them. It was sad to think of Derek all alone, but she also understood why his family would understand that this wasn't the time of year to see him. She just genuinely wondered if he would ever be a person who could celebrate the holidays with his family again, to actually take part in traditions and be happy again. He squeezed her hand and she glanced at him, smiling back at his own exhausted soft smile.

"Derek Shepherd, I swear I told you to take yourself home to bed," Patty exclaimed from the flap of the tent and Derek quickly dropped her hand before standing.

"I'm fine, Patty," he insisted.

"You are not fine and I won't take no for an answer," she insisted, crossing her arms over her chest. "You haven't slept in near a week and there is no point in you arguing with me. The worst we'll see tonight is a couple of tummy aches from too many cookies and you know it. There is no reason for you to be standing here."

"Patty, please," Derek sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair. "The town needs me."

"The town needs you at full strength," she pointed out. "What is it you told Dave when he was sick?"

"He had cancer," Derek pointed out.

"And you told him he wouldn't be any use to this town if he didn't take care of it," she nodded. "And neither will you. So, I repeat, go home."

"I don't think she's giving you much of a choice, Derek," Meredith stood slowly from the chair, trying to hide a wince as her back protested the movement. He immediately turned to look at her, his eyes softening, and she reached to squeeze his forearm. "Come on. I'll walk you home."

He shook his head slightly, his eyes suddenly downcast in a way that absolutely broke her heart. He probably buried himself in his work during this time of year and she understood that, she actually understood it in a way that made her chest ache. She had barely noticed her changing body because she had been so focused on just getting past the stupidity with Scott and finding a new job. And Derek…Derek had been carrying the last twenty years in a way that made him desperate to run away from it. She squeezed his arm again and he took a deep breath before nodding. "Fine," he sighed.

"Good," Patty nodded firmly. "And I've already told everyone in town that they are not to call you unless it's an actual emergency."

"Patty," he groaned.

"Go to bed, Derek, and I'll see you on Monday," Patty ordered and then smiled at Meredith. "You, too, honey."

"I'll see you Monday, Patty," Meredith giggled, rubbing her stomach before pulling on Derek's arm. "Let's go."

"You're bossy," Derek shook his head but he followed her out of the tent.

"I'm taking care of you like you take care of me so don't start grumbling," she rolled her eyes. "Where do you live?"

"Last house on the corner,' he yawned widely and then shook his head. His whole body seemed to droop under the exhaustion and she quickly wrapped her arm his waist, sliding into his side. She really wasn't sure if he was sick or just tired after taking care of the whole town all week, but she wanted to help him. He spent so much time taking care of everyone and living in his head, and she liked the idea that she could at least help him a little bit. She knew she helped him to breathe and get out of his head, he had been really clear about that, but she had never been sure if she was being used when he was with her. Right now, he wasn't saying much and it just really felt different for some reason.

His arm moved heavily to wrap around her disappearing waist, and she felt herself smile as he pulled her even closer to him. It was such a small thing and she really did want to kick herself, if she actually could because that wasn't going to work these days. She liked Derek a lot, she wanted to be around him more, but this wasn't what that was. They weren't talking a walk through the Netflix Christmas town, they were headed to his place so he could actually collapse in bed before she went back to her place and watched more Property Brothers and eat her weight in macaroni and cheese.

"I meant to call you," he stated.

"Derek, you don't have to…I already said it's fine."

"It isn't fine, Mer," he shook his head firmly. "Fine, I've been working non stop and I've barely had a minute to call but I could have texted at any point. And I didn't."

"We're not…you're not under any obligation to text or call," she insisted.

"That's not…god…" he murmured before stopping in the street and turning to face her. She had no idea how to interpret the exhaustion in his voice or the way his eyes softened as he looked at her. But it wasn't his usual expression, it looked like a weird mix of terrified and concerned and…wanting. He wanted something and it made her almost hopeful as he reached to run his fingers along her wavy hair. "You…my brain is trying to come up with words right now and for some reason all I can think of is adorable."

"I am not adorable," Meredith insisted as she wrinkled her nose. "Hailey will be adorable. Grown women are not adorable."

"You are," he whispered, tugging on a wave. "Sexy and beautiful and adorable and…I should have texted you."

"Don't, Derek," she murmured.

"Patty told me to go home and I didn't," he murmured as he leaned towards her. The only thing even remotely separating them right now was her belly and Derek seemed to instinctively curl himself around that as he ran his warm fingers over her cold cheeks. "I didn't…I hoped you would come. I really wanted you to be there and I'm a fucking coward who doesn't text so I just hoped that you would be there." He took a slow deep breath and then let it out slowly, his eyes drooping. "I wanted to see you."

"You're exhausted," she whispered, ignoring the way her brain spun over his words. "You're exhausted and you might be running a fever. Let's get you inside."

"Okay," Derek sighed heavily and she turned to follow him up the sidewalk towards his house. It looked like something he would want, like a little cabin that was just his little world, and a part of her worried that she was trespassing. While Alison had never lived here with him, this was probably where she existed the most now. She couldn't imagine that Derek could run away from her death when he was alone here, and she didn't want to intrude on that. This was his space, the space she and Hailey couldn't fit into, and walking into this felt like she was trying to force that. But Derek needed help tonight and she was going to be that for him. He had painted her daughter's nursery, so the least she could do was get him into bed for a good night's sleep.

He opened the door and fumbled for the light for a second before it illuminated the tiny space and he focused on getting his boots off. It gave her the opportunity to look around at the sparse emptiness of his house and she felt shock move through her body. There was a couch, armchair, and TV in the living room, but no pictures. Well, that was a lie, there was one picture on top of his mantle, but as she walked towards it, she could see that it was at least twenty years old, if not older. He looked younger and happier in the picture, his grin wide and his eyes sparkling as he sat with a group of girls who looked like him. It was his family and she smiled softly at the couple who sat in the forefront of the picture. He looked like his dad but had his mom's nose and open expression.

But it was the only picture in the living room and every worry she had had about this being Derek's place to mourn Alison disappeared in an almost breathless moment. There was nothing to suggest he had lost anything, but there wasn't anything around that suggested he had anything either. It was heartbreaking and she turned to look at him as he fell onto his couch and buried his head in his hands. "You okay?" She whispered quietly.

"Yeah, just exhausted," he murmured and then looked up at her. "You can take your jacket off."

"Okay," she nodded, unzipping her jacket. She had dressed up for him, had done her hair and make up for him, but now she was here and she felt like the suitcase she had been afraid of was even bigger than she could have ever imagined, especially if it was where he was hiding the last twenty years of his life.

"I was right about the adorable and sexy and beautiful mix," he whispered before breaking into a huge yawn.

"You need to get to bed," she rolled her eyes.

"I will," Derek sighed, holding out his hand. "Come here."

"Hmmm…" she shook her head as she looked around his house. It wasn't even really decorated. It was empty but felt full all at once and she turned back to him, resting her hand on her belly. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I…do you have a picture of her?" Meredith asked softly.

"Oh," he breathed, his eyes moving towards the desk in the corner before turning to look back at her. They were a dark, stormy blue now and she winced when she saw tears glisten in them. "I…not tonight."

"What?"

"Not tonight," he insisted. His shaking hand moved to his hair, pulling at the curls slightly as his shoulders shook. "I can't…not tonight."

"Not tonight," she echoed. Alison was clearly in the desk drawer, locked away from view, and while Meredith wasn't any kind of expert in grief, she wasn't sure locking his dead fiancee away was the best healing mechanism of all time. But Derek had spent the better part of twenty years hiding Alison and the tragic accident from the rest of the world and there was no point in bringing it all out now. "You really do need sleep, Derek. You look like hell."

"Thanks, Mer," he laughed before it turned into a cough. "Can you just come here a second?"

"Fine, but then I'm getting you some water," Meredith sighed as she walked towards the couch. "Or maybe tea. Do you have tea?"

"The second you leave me alone to go make it, I'm out," he shook his head as he ran his hand along his jaw line. "Shaving might have been a good idea tonight."

"You probably would have slit your own throat," she rolled her eyes, lowering herself onto the couch next to him. He immediately turned towards her, his eyes moving along her body in a way that made her skin almost instantly warm. She didn't know how he did it, but when he was like this, when he let himself just be for a second, it was all too easy to let herself live the day dream for a second. It was even easier when one of his hands moved to her stomach, trailing over the curve before cradling the underside of where Hailey was growing. She shivered slightly at his touch but let her own hand fall to a spot just next to his fingers and they sat in silence as Hailey's tiny feet kicked and pedaled against their palms.

An exhausted smile pulled at his lips and his thumb rubbed the fabric of her sweater dress, catching her skin every few seconds and she stayed as still as possible, letting him just feel Hailey move. It seemed to relax him as much as it relaxed her and she felt the day dream start, the hazy image of Derek's palm cupping a tiny blonde head, engulfing it as he whispered to a sleeping little girl. But the vision ended as soon as it started as Derek's other hand came up to her cheek before trailing along her jaw line and lips. Her breath was caught somewhere between her squished lungs and her throat and she swallowed heavily, waiting for him to say anything that would clue her in to what he was happening here.

"I should have texted you," he whispered hoarsely. "I should have texted you or called you or come over or…" He took a deep breath as he brushed his thumb over her lips gently. "I don't know…"

"It's okay, Derek," she whispered.

"Meredith, I…" He took a deep breath and then turned his head to cough. "Shit. Sorry."

"You really do need to get into bed," she shook her head.

"Stop being bossy for a second," he ordered. His hand slid along her neck and then pulled her back from her face as his eyes met hers. "I haven't had a routine all week. I haven't been on a run, I've barely been home to answer my parents' calls, and I don't think I've actually read a book all week. I'm supposed to have a routine. Routines are…but I haven't had one all week. Except for one. And it's not even a part of my normal routine."

"It's not?" She asked.

"Every day, every time I got a second to breathe or in between patients…I thought about you," he murmured. "About you and Hailey. About Hailey's nursery. About the hallway. Every single day. It was…it's a new routine."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered, scooting closer to him. His body exuded heat, she was pretty sure he was running a low grade fever, but she could understand what he was saying. No matter how much she fought it, she couldn't stop thinking about him either.

"No, I'm sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry about the suitcase. I'm sorry…I'm sorry that you can't…but god, you're carving this spot in my life that wasn't there. I said you and Hailey couldn't fit and suddenly you're fitting and I don't understand it. And I'm sorry I don't understand it." She swallowed heavily as he spoke, trying to calm her thoughts as her daughter moved roughly against their hands. She wanted to tell him that she understood why he didn't understand it, that he had this empty house with a drawer filled with his dead fiancee and of course he couldn't make space for her and Hailey. The suitcase had gotten bigger than him, bigger than any drawer could hold, and that she didn't want to be suffocated by it. But right now, all she wanted was to stay right here with him until the spot in his life got bigger and bigger for the Grey girls. "Mer…" he whispered, pulling slightly at her hair.

"I didn't mean to…I haven't been…" she started.

"I know you haven't," he shook his head and then leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers. Warm. It was definitely warm and she pulled back and pressed a kiss against it, letting her lips linger. "I might want you two to fit though."

"You…what?" She asked, pulling back from him.

"I think I want you two to fit," he murmured. "I don't know how. I don't…I just think I want it."

"Oh," she breathed as tears rushed to her eyes and her chest constricted. It was almost too much, too much to hope for or too much to believe in, but she did and she pressed another kiss to his forehead. His hand splayed over her belly, his fingers shaking slightly against it, and she wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around him, pulling him close as the shaking spread throughout his entire body and she heard a soft gasp come from somewhere deep within him. "It's okay. It's okay. Wanting…wanting is good."

"I just…I'm so fucking exhausted, Mer," he whimpered into her shoulder. "You have no idea…"

"I know, I know," she whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. "Let's get you in bed."

"No. I…" he shook his head.

"I know," she repeated, twisting the curls at the base of his skull around her fingers. "But you're running a fever and you are exhausted. Let's just…you can go to bed. You can go to bed and if you're feeling better tomorrow, we can go for a hike. That's what you do on Saturdays, right? That's your routine."

"Yeah, yeah," he nodded before pulling back from her. His eyes were puffy now and she reached forward to brush a tear off his cheek. "I…are you going?"

"Not right now," she promised him. "I'm going to get you some water and Advil. Where is it?"

"Kitchen," he nodded towards another room as he stood from the couch. He wavered for a second but then seemed to right himself, glancing over his shoulder at her for just a second. He somehow looked so small tonight and Meredith just smiled at him before he turned to walk down a hallway, his hand moving through his hair as he shuffled.

She took a deep breath, rubbing her stomach for a second before she stood up from his couch, her back protesting the movement slightly. Her brain was spinning and her chest was constricted and she really didn't know what to do. It would be so stupid to get involved with him like this, when she had a baby girl to worry about, a baby girl who deserved more than just a man who maybe wanted a spot for her. Derek's professional life was full and she had seen more than enough proof to know that the town loved him. But his private life, the sanctuary he had built for himself, was empty and a little scary. It just seemed like the kind of place someone would build to punish themselves for twenty years, and it broke her heart.

Right now, she didn't know what any of this meant. She didn't know if Derek was just exhausted or if he was really going to make steps to start opening a spot for her and Hailey. The spot would have to be huge, and she didn't know how ready he was for it, even if she really did want it. He was exhausted and frankly, she was too. She was tired of running from it, tired of trying to make it fit or make any sense. It was the craziest thing in the world and she was pretty sure Hillary and Lexie would kick her ass, but she wanted to stop fighting this thing with Derek. And if he was ready to stop fighting, then she would happily stop, too. She just wished she had some kind of reassurance that they wouldn't go down in the flames of his past.

She grabbed a bottle of water out of his fridge, which was at least well stocked, and then found the Advil sitting on the counter, still open from his last dosage probably. After shaking a couple into her hand, she walked down the same hallway he had shuffled down until she found a door that was ajar. She knocked, waited for a second, and then pushed it open, only to be greeted with the sight of Derek already in his pjs, lying face down on the right side of the mattress, his breaths soft and even. His phone was next to him on the bed and she reached for it, immediately pressing the side button and then sliding the screen to off. He looked small and a little frail, and she took a deep breath before putting the Advil and bottle of water down on his bedside table. "Derek," she murmured as she sat down on the bed next to him.

He snuffled a little, his legs moving across the comforter and she reached to rub his back in slow and steady circles. Every inch of him seemed to immediately relax into the mattress and she reached for the comforter at the end of the bed and pulled it over his prone body. There wasn't a sound anywhere in the house, not even outside on the street and she held her breath for a second, staring at him. The lines around his eyes were deeper tonight, but she didn't see them. She didn't see the deep frown line that graced his forehead from years of grief. All she saw was Derek and before she knew what she was doing, she kicked off her flats and let herself sink into his mattress next to him, her fingers barely grazing his hand as he slept.

_A bit anxious, a bit nervous_

_The moment's all that we can feel_


	17. Hope is a Waking Dream

**Chapter 17- Hope is a Waking Dream**

For the longest time, waking up had involved snapping awake in a rush of panic, his chest heaving and his heart pounding as he came almost instantly awake. Whether it had been from a nightmare or just a middle of the night panic attack, it had just been how Derek had woken up for the first ten years or so after the accident. But then his body had gotten used to the routine he had built and waking up had been immediate. His wake up time had always been six and usually he just opened his eyes, awake and ready to go for his jog. But something new was happening now and it seemed to be accompanied by the smell of flowers. It was almost a floating sensation, like when he had been a kid and he and Mark would throw something into the community pool and take turns trying to find it along the bottom. His lungs weren't desperate for air, he didn't feel like he was struggling, he just felt himself come up slowly in a blur before blinking slowly.

The sun was streaming through his window and he squinted against it, desperate to close his eyes again and fall back into the surreal world of sleep. His body had been feeling the effects of exhaustion for a couple days now but he had pushed through it in a desperate attempt to help everyone in town get through the first round of the flu. He refused to lose anyone to the disease and it had meant losing countless hours of sleep as he rushed from house to house. Chris had stabilized first and then the others had slowly followed, just in time for the Christmas tree lighting. And suddenly, the smell of flowers washed over him again as he remembered the night before.

He had been desperate to see Meredith again and while it was easy for Patty to run the first aid tent during the festival, he had known it was the easiest way for him to see the blonde journalist who had taken over his life. After five days of thinking almost constantly about her and debating whether or not he should text her, he had just wanted to see her, even if it was for a few minutes. He hadn't been sure of what he would say to her or how to explain why he didn't call or how badly he wanted to see her, but as the day had dragged on and exhaustion had clouded his brain, all he had known for sure was that he had to just be around her. By the time he had walked up behind her in the crowd, he had craved the calm she always brought with her, and now he could swear he could still smell her after she had made sure he got some sleep.

For the first time in five days, he didn't feel like his body was breaking from the weight of exhaustion. There was no doubt he was still tired but talking to Meredith the night before had soothed his brain enough to try to catch up on the deficit he created. He stretched his body along his mattress, turning slowly until his brain seemed to pick up that he wasn't just imagining Meredith's flowery scent. The pregnant blonde was curled up on top of his comforter, still in her purple sweater dress and black tights, with wild blonde waves that fell over her cheeks as she slept and Derek felt his entire body freeze as he watched her. He didn't remember her coming to bed with him, the last thing he actually remembered was something about Advil, but Meredith was in his bed and Derek genuinely had no idea what to do with this information. It had been twenty years since he had had a woman in his bed and while he had wanted Meredith to start fitting into his life, he hadn't expected this.

Panic should have been coursing through his body and the voice in his head that usually pushed that panic should have been screaming. But that voice usually shut up whenever Meredith was around and there wasn't any tightness in his chest or throat that told him he was on the edge of a panic attack. There was something else that was spreading through him, a feeling he couldn't really name, and the breathlessness he was feeling felt more pleasurable than anything else. He had never really gotten the chance to just look at Meredith. She was always moving or he was always trying to fight whatever he was feeling, but now he had the chance and his fingers itched to follow the path of his eyes. Meredith was beautiful, he already knew that much, but there was something about her wild hair partially shielding her rounded face that made him smile. He was pretty sure she had been pretty thin before she had gotten pregnant, she was mostly belly, but her hips had filled out and rounded more in the month she had been in Oakbrook Falls. Her nose was wrinkled softly as she slept, her hand was draped delicately over her stomach, and Derek had the sudden thought that he was okay with just watching her sleep today.

He reached forward with a shaking hand to lightly brush her waves off her face and his heart seemed to stutter at the sight of her day old mascara, smeared just a bit under her eyes and her pink lips, open every so slightly. She was gorgeous and she was here and he didn't know what to do next. He didn't know why she was here or if he should wake her, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. The purple sweater dress had ridden up slightly on her thighs and the fabric pulled across her rounded belly, framing the spot Hailey was growing. He had desperately wanted them both in his life, had wanted to start letting them in, and now that it was happening, his brain couldn't decide what to feel as Meredith's long, thin fingers moved slowly along her stomach. He didn't think she was awake yet, he was pretty sure it was instinctual but if Hailey was moving, it probably wouldn't be long. The problem was, he wanted time. He wanted time to enjoy her just like this before his brain tried to talk him out of it.

His trembling fingers moved along her hair with the lightest touch possible as he held his breath. She didn't move again, her breathing didn't change, and he paused at her shoulder as he watched her face, lit up just a bit by the winter sun outside. He didn't know what to do or say, he had no idea how long it would be until his brain reminded him that this wasn't part of the atonement. Then again, letting her fit into his life wasn't part of the atonement either, and he already knew he wanted to try that. It didn't totally make sense in his head and knew that if she ever found out the whole story about that night in November she might just run, but he did want her in his life. Of course, when he had made the decision, he had figured he might take her for a hike again. But this was good and he felt himself slide back onto his mattress, turning onto his side so that he could watch her, so that he could be sure she was really real.

The last woman who had been in his bed had been his fiancee and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't conjure up her face right now. For the first few years, he had done this almost every night, trying to pretend she was still next to him, but he hadn't done it in far too long. He had gotten used to sleeping alone, to waking up alone, but he couldn't stop himself from scooting closer to Meredith, his hand brushing gently against hers. It flexed slightly and he held his breath again before releasing it as her eyes opened, closed, and then opened again with a yawn. "Hey," he whispered to her as he watched confusion and surprise flicker in the golden green irises.

"I…crap," she whispered. "I…I fell asleep. I came in to check on you and I just wanted to make sure you were okay…I fell asleep."

"Hmmm…" he nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head. "I…this…I'm sorry, Derek." She sat up slowly, one of her hands still draped over her belly and he quickly reached for her other hand and squeezed tightly.

"Don't get up," he whispered and then swallowed. "I…it's okay, Meredith. This…it's okay."

"It's okay?" Meredith raised an eyebrow as she froze in spot.

"It's okay," he repeated. He took a slow deep breath in and then entwined his fingers around hers. "Are you comfortable? I…you fell asleep in your clothes and are you…"

"I'm fine, Derek," she shook her head. "Actually I have to pee."

"Oh," he laughed softly, releasing her hand. "The bathroom is through that door. Go pee. And then come back. I…if you want, I mean.'

"I can come back," Meredith nodded as she stood slowly from his bed, her hand moving to her curved back. He watched her move stiffly towards his bathroom and then fell back against his pillows, taking a deep breath in. He could still smell the flowers that surrounded her, and that had to help him stay calm. He wasn't going to freak out or start questioning what was going on. He was getting so tired of this back and forth with his feelings and his thought processes, and at this point, he figured if he just locked what had happened in a little box, far away from his time with Meredith, then he could just pull it out later. The suitcase didn't have any place here and he just had to learn to compartmentalize it. He wouldn't let it come in until Meredith went home, and that would open up space for her.

Over time, it would just fit around her and then Hailey, too. Meredith would be worried about her daughter having space too and he could figure that out. He wasn't sure yet how putting the suitcase in its new compartment would tie into atonement, but he would figure it out. It was just a matter of trying to find a balance because he was starting to learn that he wanted Meredith in his life. His brain had been a wreck for five days and now he just had to find a way to embrace that she had chiseled a hole in his wall.

"How are you feeling?" She asked as she walked back into the room. The mascara smears were gone from under her eyes and her hair was a little more tame, but she still looked absolutely gorgeous.

"Oh…" Derek nodded slowly. "Better. Still a little tired but not as exhausted. I know I was a little out of it yesterday."

"You looked like hell," Meredith nodded. She lowered herself onto his bed, her hand trailing over her belly as she settled back against his pillows before turning towards him. Her hand lifted and she rested it against his forehead for a second. "You don't feel warm at all anymore."

"I really think I was just run down," he sighed as he reached for her hand. "And after…I don't even know how many hours of sleep…I do feel more alive."

"Almost thirteen hours," she offered softly. "You passed out at seven-thirty. It's eight fifteen now."

"I…I slept for thirteen hours?" He breathed. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept that long, especially without waking up from a nightmare or having a middle of the night panic attack. "I didn't wake you up at all?"

"Derek, you were passed out," Meredith pointed out. "You had a low grade fever, your voice was in and out, and you could barely keep your eyes open. I don't know when I fell asleep but…you slept straight through."

"I…good, that's good," he said quickly before turning back to her. "I meant what I said last night."

"Which part?" She asked.

"All of it," he replied, letting his other hand gently stroke her jawline. Her skin was so soft against his own rough hands and he didn't think he could get enough of the way she immediately nuzzled his hand. "I should have called you after I painted Hailey's nursery but I was busy and I was scared. I've spent years thinking I had built a full life here, that I moved on and started the second phase of my life and that it has been going well. I've made choices about...Alison was supposed to be the last woman I ever loved. It's why I asked her to marry me." He swallowed against the lump in his throat and the panic in his chest and lifted her face so that she met his eyes. "I don't have a lot of free space in my life, Meredith, and that has been on purpose. But then you came in and...chiseled a Meredith sized hole in my world."

"I really didn't mean to," she said quickly.

"I know you didn't," he assured her. "I know I'm not...I have suitcases that drive you crazy and I know that. I'm going to work on the suitcase."

"It doesn't drive me crazy, Derek," Meredith denied as she frowned. "She was your fiancée and you loved her. You still love her, and that's okay. I just want to know that the suitcase won't crush us."

"It won't," he shook his head. "I want...god, Mer, for five days all I could think about was you. How you smelled, your giggle, your hands...the hallway. Usually I'm trying so hard not to think and this year, you're in my head and my life and I'm so tired of trying to run from it. I'm so tired..." He trailed off as his throat constricted again and he leaned his forehead against hers, taking a deep breath as her hands moved to the back of his neck. He could feel her fingers twisting in his hair and her breath fanned over his face in a way that immediately eased him. "I don't know if or how I can do this, Meredith. But I want to. I want you to fit."

"And Hailey?" She asked. "Because the hole is going to get bigger and bigger until there are two holes."

"Hmmmm..." he breathed as his hands moved down to her belly, searching for the unborn baby's insistent jabs. He was almost immediately rewarded with two tiny, pedaling feet near the bottom left-side of Meredith's stomach and he smiled softly. "Good morning, Princess." His eyes moved back up to Meredith's face and he nodded. "I can't imagine her not having space. She's...god, Mer, she's part of you."

"And a part of someone else," she reminded him.

"No," he shook his head as he splayed his hand over her belly. "He doesn't…she's yours. She's a part of you and she will have a place. However you want me in her life, I will be in it. And she'll be in mine."

'I just…you're sure?" She breathed and he saw the hope in her eyes almost immediately. "Because I want you too, Derek. It doesn't make sense to me because I didn't…I shouldn't even be thinking of this right now. I need to be focusing on building a life for her, a good life where she won't get hurt unnecessarily because her mom is focusing on a boy."

"I don't want to hurt either of you," Derek insisted. One of his hands stayed on her belly, feeling the little girl move, and his other moved to her blonde waves, pulling them back from her face. "I don't know what this is going to look like or how or…I have to try for you and Hailey. And before…I used to be the kind of person who made the things I tried actually happen. So if I can be that person again…I just need a chance, Meredith. And I need to know you'll understand there will be days that are harder than others."

"I know,' she whispered. "I…the ninth…"

"Will be a really hard day," he finished for her. "I'll take a step back. I'll…I just have to try because I want this. I want you two to fit." Meredith nodded slowly in response, one other hands creeping down to his on her belly and he immediately reached for it, entwining their fingers over Hailey's little nudges. It suddenly struck him that her hand fit into his like a puzzle piece and he gently took her other hand to hold it as tight as he could. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither one of them saying a word or barely breathing. Derek felt a little unsteady, like he was about to fall off the edge of a cliff, but he felt himself being pulled back as Meredith moved closer to him, their knees brushing.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Okay?"

"Okay,' she nodded slowly. "Let's…I want this. I want to fit. I want us to fit."

"Oh," Derek grinned widely as he felt something he hadn't felt in years rush through him. He couldn't remember exactly what it was, but he thought maybe it was hope. Hope that he could actually do this and be the man that Meredith and her baby deserved. He squeezed her hand again and then looked into her golden green eyes. "I don't usually ask but I…can I kiss you, Meredith?"

"That is definitely the kind of space I've been hoping for," she giggled softly and Derek immediately ducked his head down to gently brush his lips over hers. Most of their kisses were unexpected and passionate and intense, but Derek wanted to try something new. He wanted to ease them both into it, to tease and listen to her slowly become breathless. It had been twenty years since he had kissed someone like this but it seemed to be second nature, like riding a bike for the first time after falling off and breaking an arm. The kiss was tentative at first, almost more like just a brushing of lips, but then he pressed his lips against hers, trying to keep it gentle but finding himself leaning even closer to her as her mouth opened with a soft sigh. Her tongue darted out and he smiled and whispered to her, urging patience before deepening the kiss ever so slightly.

She was used to kissing, used to this feeling, but her body was beginning to warm against his and her hands were shaking. They both slowly turned to their sides, shifting along each other's bodies until they were almost flush against each other. He could feel her belly against him, could feel it bulge slightly with Hailey's movements and he marveled at the sensation. It was completely new, something he had never experienced, but instead of being weird, it made him want to kiss Meredith more. She was an amazing woman, smart and driven, but there was a gentleness about her that made her stay here in Oakbrook Falls to raise the little girl who was making her body and her life change forever. The mix of strength and gentleness was thrilling and he let go of one of her hands to run his along her back, along the exaggerated curve of her spine as their lips moved against each other.

"You're beautiful," Derek whispered into her mouth and then let his tongue stroke hers for just a second. He could feel her warm skin and hear her breathy sighs, but it was the feeling of her tongue capturing his that made him rise up on his elbow so that he could lean over her, to change the angle of the kiss. She immediately responded by sitting up slightly, eager to be closer to him, and his touch on her back turned into pressure, pressing her into him.

"Derek," she whimpered his name. He pulled back slightly, his lips inches from her as their eyes met. "I…god…"

"You okay?" He asked.

"Great," she giggled as she brushed her nose over his. "Just…catching my breath."

"And she probably doesn't make it easy," he laughed in response, cupping her belly. "Tell me when it's caught."

"More kissing?" Meredith asked.

"If you want," he offered before putting more pressure on her lower back. Her answering moan and fluttering eyelids told him all he needed to know and he let his knuckles knead the tight spot as Meredith curled closer to him. The baby inside her had to be nearly two and a half pounds at this point and she was so determined to do all she could, even as she got bigger. It probably meant she was in desperate need of a massage and he was more than happy to oblige.

"God…that…you…" she shook her head, her back arching slightly.

"Are you sleeping with more pillows at home now?" He asked.

"Hmmm…" she nodded. Her legs wrapped around his and he pressed into a particularly tight spot, eager to feel it relax under his touch. "Not that your bed is uncomfortable…"

"It's not exactly set up for a pregnant woman in her third trimester," Derek shrugged.

"Hey, that's tomorrow!" She insisted. "Give me my last second trimester day."

"Oh, sorry," he laughed before kissing her nose. "Do you want to do anything special to say goodbye to the second trimester?'

"Do people do that?"

"No, but you seem pretty into it," he teased softly.

"Hmmm…it's Saturday," she breathed. She ran her fingers through his hair, her eyes searching his for a second. "You go for hikes on Saturday. Do you feel up to one or still too tired?"

"I'm never too tired for a hike," he shook his head. "I'm more concerned with whether or not you're up for a hike."

"Exercise helps the aches and pains of pregnancy, my app says so," Meredith pointed out. "And with the way it's been snowing, I feel like I need to say goodbye to the harder trails soon."

"Maybe to hiking period,' he frowned slightly. "Especially by yourself."

"We'll see," she smiled at him before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "I…what other routines do you have on Saturdays?"

"Oh…" Derek breathed. "I…I mean, weekends are different from week days. Though I keep talking about opening the clinic for a few hours a day on Saturdays but…usually I get up at six, go for a run, shower, get breakfast at Chris's, and then go for my hike. That's usually…I like long hikes especially this time of year. After that, I usually call my parents and then read."

"Hmmm…" she nodded, running her fingers through his hair. "So the routine is a mess already."

"It has been all week," he sighed heavily. "I can get it back on track tomorrow."

"That's part of us fitting, right?" She whispered. "We'll have to fit into your routine."

"Don't worry about that," he assured her, running his hand along her hair. "I…I'll figure it out. I'm going to figure this out."

"I know, Derek," she murmured. "I just…do you want to go for a hike?'

"A hike doesn't sound like a bad idea," he agreed but leaned his head down to kiss her softly again. "Kissing sounds good, too. Can we do both?"

"We can definitely do both," she giggled. "I'm just thinking I should probably get home and change. And eat. We both need to eat."

"Food is definitely a good idea," he nodded as he pulled back from her. "And while I see the point in you changing, I do like the dress."

"Thanks," Meredith blushed. "But not exactly conducive to hiking."

"Not exactly, no," he agreed, running his hand gently along her side and the rough fabric of the sweater dress. "I can make eggs, if you want. I have cheese, which I know is a big thing for you right now."

"I'm half convinced Hailey Alexandra Grey is at least half mouse with how much she loves cheese," she giggled softly.

"Well, we can't have your little mouse starving, can we?" He asked. He kissed Meredith firmly on his lips and then slid down her body until his face was against her belly. Hailey seemed to have relaxed and he put his hands on either side of her stomach. "Hey, little mouse, are you hungry for a cheese omelet?"

"Derek," Meredith rolled her eyes but she was smiling and he rubbed her stomach slowly before pulling away. "Breakfast?"

"Breakfast," he confirmed as he got out of bed. She followed, albeit a little more slowly, and he turned to lead her down the hall towards his kitchen. His body still felt a little sore and maybe a little too tense, but the exhausted cobwebs had cleared and his throat didn't feel like he was coming down with something. He had worn himself down and then had somehow managed to sleep through thirteen hours without waking up once. It was almost too much to believe but it had happened and he wanted to go with this. He didn't know if it had been Meredith's presence or the exhaustion from a week of non stop work, but he wanted to believe that this was progress. He had promised Meredith progress and he was determined to make it, even if it meant shifting the suitcase from room to room until he was alone again with it. "You're still drinking coffee, right?"

"I let myself have one coffee a day," she nodded as she leaned against the counter, her arms crossed over her stomach. "The doctor in Manhattan said it was okay."

"It is," he agreed. He turned on his coffee machine and then moved to grab the eggs, cheese, and milk out of the fridge. On most days, he ate his bagel and had his coffee at the coffee shop, but he did like to cook at least one of his weekend days, and this felt right. He was bending down to grab a frying pan when he heard a grunting noise and he turned to see Meredith, trying to jump onto the counter, her face red and frustrated. "Mer…" He rushed over to her and his hands rested on her hips, staying her. "What are you doing?"

"I…usually…I mean," she waved to the counter top and he nodded before pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

"Let me help," he whispered to her and despite the baby growing inside her, he lifted her onto the counter and set her down gently.

"Thanks," she breathed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his on her sides, holding her in place as she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth. It had been nearly a month since he had kissed her on Halloween on her counter at home, when he had first lost all sense of reason with her, and he felt like everything had changed. She spread her legs until they wrapped around his thighs and he slid between them, pinning her in place before her lips captured his.

"I was going to make breakfast," he whispered into her mouth. "A cheese omelet."

"You're going to," she whispered back. "But now I want my kiss."

"Your kiss?" He raised an eyebrow as her hands slid down his arms and just under the hem of his t-shirt. Her fingernails gently brushed the skin above the waistband of his sleep pants and he sucked in a breath at the shiver that moved directly down through his hips and pelvis.

"You're beautiful, too, you know," she whispered as his eyes slid shut. He didn't think anyone had called him beautiful before and he wasn't even sure he would have expected it before the words had come out of her mouth. Her touch was so cautious, so unlike the firm and eager touch in her hallway nearly a week earlier, and he eagerly accepted her tongue into his mouth. She scooted forward on the countertop until she was at the very edge and he made sure to stabilize her with one hand to her back as they kissed. Maybe it was too much, too fast, and maybe he would face that later tonight, when she was home and he was alone with his memories and his routines, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now.

Meredith was so soft and pliable in his arms and he was fighting every urge in his body to push up her sweater dress so that he could feel more of her. The time would come for that and he knew that, but he wanted to know how her skin felt when he wasn't examining her, when he wasn't her doctor. And then there was the desire to make her feel as much as pleasure as he had felt a week ago and that desire was almost alien to him. Nothing about this life had been about pleasure over the last two decades but now Meredith seemed to pull it out of him with almost no effort at all. He brushed his fingers over the thick black tights she was wearing, working his way up her thigh as he swallowed an excited moan from her.

He knew pregnancy could make the sensations of sex and intimate touch even stronger and he wondered how she had dealt with being alone as those hormones surged through her. She had been responsive in her kitchen at home for their first kiss and now she seemed almost desperate for him, her hips rising off the counter as her tongue wrapped around his. It meant he had to curve around her stomach and he moved his hand from her back to her waist just as he felt Hailey give a very insistent kick that made both of them stop. "Okay, that…that one hurt," Meredith winced as Derek pressed his hand to the spot. It was like a flurry of kicks and he watched the surprise and winces move over Meredith's face quickly.

"Calm down, little mouse," he ordered, pressing back against the kicks. "Your cheese omelet is coming right up." He waited for a minute as the kicks seemed to answer back before Meredith's belly bulged to the right and then relaxed.

"I think she's trying to get in a different position," Meredith explained breathlessly.

"She might be starting to get into the head down position," he agreed, squeezing her waist before stepping back towards the food.

"I…I didn't think of that," she said as her hands moved to hold her bump. "That's…wow."

"Are you starting to worry about it?" He asked.

"I…I think I did enough worrying in the first five months," Meredith shook her head. "I think I just…she'll be here in February. Next week is December and she'll be here in February. It's gone by so fast."

"According to my sisters, the going by fast feeling goes away in the third trimester, when you start to think it's not going fast enough."

"My friend Hillary said that, too," she laughed.

"But you'll be okay," he assured her as he began to crack eggs into a bowl. "We'll figure out the birthing plan that works for you and you'll be okay."

"Hmmm…" she nodded slowly. "My parents want to come out before she's born. I just…I might have them come out a couple weeks before. I don't really know exactly how they're feeling about all this and I just…I like the quiet here."

"I get it, Mer. You don't have to explain it to me."

"I know you do," she breathed as he whisked the eggs. Her legs were kicking slightly against the cabinets and he turned to look at her with a soft smile. Her hands were still cradling her belly, but her brow was furrowed and he put down the whisk before walking towards her. He reached to turn on the stove and then put his hand down on her thigh, brushing his thumb against her. "What?"

"Are you okay?" He asked. "You look…"

"I…" she took a deep breath and then looked into his eyes. "Do you have a brother named Mark?"

"Oh…" he frowned slightly. "I…kind of? I mean, yes but…he's been my best friend since elementary school and my parents kind of…unofficially adopted him because his parents were horrible. Why?"

"Do you know who he's dating right now?"

Derek felt his frown deepen as he searched his brain for the name he had heard at his parents. He could practically hear Sophie saying it, but the word was lost somewhere in his brain, where he put most of the things that happened at his parents' home. "I…I know he's dating someone and he actually took her home to meet the family, which if you knew Mark, you'd know it was really unusual. My parents and sister liked her a lot."

"Lexie," Meredith whispered. "Her name is Lexie. Lexie Grey. She's my sister."

"Wh-what?" He gasped.

"I know, it's crazy and so out of this world…I don't even know the word for it," she shook her head quickly. "I just…she was here a couple weeks ago and I mentioned you to her…or really my friend Hillary mentioned you and Lexie wanted details and I said your name…anyway, the point is, she said you were a recluse. That you had cut yourself off from your family and now Mark and you aren't as close as you used to be."

"Oh," Derek ran his hand through his hair as he shook his head. He wasn't going to freak out. He could not freak out about the idea of Mark knowing about Meredith. That wasn't the point of the conversation and it would just make Meredith think he wasn't really ready for this. "It's complicated, Meredith. I…after the accident, I wasn't…things were really hard for a long time and my relationships with my family, including Mark, kind of went up in flames. I…I don't think I'm a recluse necessarily. I just…it's complicated."

"

"And you're not ready to talk about it?" She asked.

"I don't know how to talk about it," he insisted and then reached to cup her cheek. "I'll figure it out, okay? I'll figure it out and I'll tell you. I swear."

"I'm not trying to say I'm nervous about you hiding from your family or anything," she said quickly. "I'm obviously doing the same thing. I just wanted…I told her not to say anything to Mark because there wasn't anything to say at the time."

"Okay," he breathed. "I…the thing with Mark is…he doesn't know how to talk to me. Before, he was a manwhore idiot and I was his fed up wingman. Now…the accident changed a lot of things in my life and probably about me, too. And my family wants me to be the person I was before it. I'm not sure they see the man I became after it."

"I get it," she murmured as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm going to get to know that man though, right? No shutting me out?"

"No shutting you out," he nodded. Guilt rose in him in a powerful way at the thought of what he was holding back right now but he tamped it down as quickly as possible as he turned back to his eggs. "But I want to get to know the sexy journalist Meredith."

"You already know a lot about me," she giggled.

"I know you're obsessed with two brothers who help idiots find homes, I think I'm figuring out how you like to be kissed, and I know you don't take bullshit from anyone," he agreed. "But I think knowing more about you could be fun. What's your favorite food when you're not pregnant?"

"Oh," she laughed. "I love steak and pizza. Grilled cheese actually isn't that far off the mark. I hate Chinese food but I was eating a lot of it before I moved out of here."

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "I'll have to make you steak one night. Moving to a small town meant I had to get good at it."

"I love that idea."

"Good," he grinned at her.

"I…are there fun things to know about you post-accident?" She asked carefully.

"I have some embarrassing stories about being a new, young doctor in a small town when I first got here," he grinned. "Including the story of the first baby I delivered in town. He's now a senior in high school, by the way."

"Wow," she breathed. "So what happened?"

"She delivered in the stock room of the grocery store," he explained as he poured the eggs into the pan. "It was her fourth kid and she had gone to the store despite having contractions most of the morning. Her water broke in the frozen foods section and the bag boy came running down to the clinic. He wanted Dr. Shetland, but he was in the city for some symposium."

"So it was up to you."

"It was," he nodded. "I went to the stock room where they had tried to make her comfortable against boxes and spent twenty minutes arguing with her about getting to Syracuse. She kept telling me it wasn't going to be that long and that an hour's drive would be worthless if she was going to give birth in the back seat of my car."

"Could she at least get to the clinic?" Meredith asked as her hand held her belly.

"Not by the time I finally gave in about Syracuse," he laughed, shaking his head. "We tried to get her to stand, she told me she had to push, and twenty minutes later, her baby boy was in my arms."

"Wow," Meredith whispered as she looked down at her stomach. "Hailey, there better not be a grocery store delivery in my future, okay?"

"I wouldn't let you give birth there," he promised her. "Even if it was the most exhilarating moment of my life. I…it made me feel like I was finally a person here. Like I belonged here."

"That's amazing, Derek," she squeezed his hand gently.

"There are a lot of stories about being a small town doctor," he shook his head fondly. He turned to pour her a cup of coffee and then poured one for himself before leaning back against the counter next to her. The omelet would just be another minute and he liked being this close to her without fighting it. After breakfast, they could go hiking, where he assumed there would be more kissing and more talking. It was an interesting switch in his life, especially after years of not being comfortable spending a whole day with people, talking to them and letting them into his life. But it was different with Meredith and he wanted this with her.

Her hand slid up and down his back and he felt himself lean into her, his free hand wrapping around her waist as he sipped his coffee. Panic would come. He assumed it had to come, especially after a week of decimating his routines, but right now, he felt like he had a taste of normalcy that he hadn't had in far too long. He wasn't under any illusions that this would be easy or that he was just going to be better now. But right now, his breathing was easy and he felt like he had a life to look forward to, instead of lives to atone for. With Meredith sitting in his kitchen, her hand rubbing his spine as his own gently slid to the side of her stomach, he felt like he had something to live for.

_Even when I start to fade_

_There you are you radiate_


	18. Finding a Way to Exist

**Chapter 18- Finding a Way to Exist**

In general, Meredith really didn't think she was a holidayish kind of person. It wasn't that she didn't like the holidays, because she mostly did. Once she had started living with her dad and step mom, holidays had become something completely different. She had liked Susan's excitement and the inevitable decorating and cooking and wrapping. But it hadn't been something she had really thought about as she had gotten older. She usually tried to fly out to Seattle for Thanksgiving and then her parents would fly out to New York for Christmas, but that was the extent of excitement she usually put into it. Or at least, it probably would be until Hailey was in her life. Kids tended to love the whole holiday thing and Meredith had a feeling she would have to start loving it too.

Maybe not next year, but in the next couple of years, Hailey would be excited for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and especially Christmas. Her daughter would probably be spoiled and dressed up to go see Santa before eventually waking her up at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day to open presents. Meredith knew that was all in her future, but right now, she wasn't really thinking about the holidays, even if it was Thanksgiving and she was very technically alone on what had always been her favorite holiday. She just felt like she had bigger things to be worrying about right now, and being alone during the holidays had to rate somewhere pretty low on her list.

Lexie was in Seattle with their parents and Hillary was celebrating what sounded like a potentially hellish Thanksgiving with her family while playing referee with her parents and Kevin. And Meredith was…well, Meredith was in Oakbrook Falls, growing a very wiggly baby who was now two pounds and feeling heavier by the day. Her appointment on Monday had been great, Hailey was healthy, and she had scheduled her next appointment with Derek for two weeks later. But really, it was more than just little Hailey Grey that was on Meredith's mind, and she wasn't quite sure how to explain to her sister and best friend that she was happy to have the holiday to sort through her feelings about Derek Shepherd.

When she had woken up in his bed a few days earlier, she hadn't been sure what to expect. Actually, she had been pretty sure he would completely freak out on her and kick her out of his house. But that hadn't been what had happened and now she was actually pretty sure she was kind of dating Derek. She wasn't sure if that was actually the right term for what they were doing or how people even dated in Oakbrook Falls when there were only a couple restaurants, but now they were texting a lot and she was eating breakfast with him almost every morning at the coffee shop. He was still busy with the town's flu outbreak, but he wanted to be around her and that seemed like an amazing step. She didn't completely understand how it had happened or what would happen in the future, but she was trying really hard not to put too much energy into the quiet voice in her brain that kept reminding her Derek was still mourning his fiancee even twenty years later and that pain wouldn't just go away because he was dating her.

She hated thinking like that, but she couldn't help it. Derek was an amazing guy and kissing him was definitely becoming her new favorite activity, but he was in a lot of pain and he wasn't totally open about how he felt about things. Right now, he seemed happy and lighthearted, but he had texted her the night before to have a good Thanksgiving and that had pretty much been it. She hadn't heard from him all day today and she could only figure it was a hard day for him, even all these years later. Which only made her worry that Thanksgiving and Christmas might always be hard for him and he wouldn't be able to handle the over the top excitement of a toddler in a couple of years. And she knew it was nuts to be thinking longterm like that, but she couldn't help it. Hailey was going to be apart of her life and if Derek was going to be more than the baby's pediatrician, then she had to worry about how he would handle all of this.

Of course, she hated that she only had all these thoughts and worries when Derek wasn't around. When she was with him, every single last one of her fears kind of melted away and she forgot to worry about anything. He actually had an amazing sense of humor, which always seemed to surprise him, and she loved the way he looked at her right before he kissed her. It was a weird, soft sparkly eye thing that always made her body heat up and shake at just the idea of his lips against hers. Sometimes she couldn't believe how out of control her hormones were right now, but she didn't feel like this thing with Derek was hormonal. There was some kind of pull that she couldn't fight and she really did love that he had apparently decided to give them a chance, especially since it didn't seem like either of them were exactly capable of keeping this on friendly terms.

She just didn't know where this was going to lead. He needed time and space, and she knew that, but she didn't know how much time and space. Derek wanted to be involved in Hailey's life if any way he could, but she didn't know if he was capable of that. It just drove her really crazy that Derek still seemed like some weird puzzle she still couldn't figure out. It was almost like he had responded to his fiancee's death by becoming two people. One was the confident and caring man who embraced the world of Oakbrook Falls and the other was the sad and lost man who had actively shut himself away from his family and friends. It just didn't make sense and she really did wonder what part of his life she was missing that would help her understand more. Maybe if she understood then she would be able to figure out what part of her life he was going to fit in. And then there was the fact that a part of her didn't care about all of that, and she just wanted to enjoy having him in her life.

All in all, it was beyond obvious that actually being Derek's first datey person in twenty years hadn't made any of it any easier to deal with. Her brain was constantly swirling between her pregnancy, the prospect of being a mom, her career, and her hopes for her relationship with Derek and she didn't know what to focus on. She kept hoping things would clarify somehow, but that never seemed to actually happen for her. So instead of celebrating Thanksgiving like a normal person, she was waiting for a frozen pizza to cook while trying to figure out how to build her daughter's crib. It wasn't at all what she had pictured her Thanksgiving being but it worked. A few months ago her method of avoidance had been watching Property Brothers and pretending her life wasn't dissolving into a complete disaster. Now, she was sitting in her overalls in her daughter's nursery and staring at the pile of pieces that the box swore would end up being a crib and hoping the confusion of that would take the place of her confusion over Derek.

"Okay, Hailey, I'm a smart woman," she stated as she reached for the instructions. "And I'm pretty sure you're going to be smart. So neither of us are going to be caught out by the instructions for building a crib. It can't be that hard." She rubbed the spot where her baby girl was wiggling and then reached forward for the first wooden piece. This was part of the whole doing this thing by herself deal and she could do it. She had no idea if Derek was actually going to be apart of her life forever or if they would somehow fall apart, but her record with men wasn't exactly great so she honestly didn't have a lot of hope on that aspect.

But she wasn't going to start worrying about it right now, especially since this was new and even in her head she knew she was sounding crazy. They had really just met and literally just started dating so it would be insane to start trying to figure out if this was going to last forever. Her biggest concern needed to be Hailey and while those thoughts were starting to feel really repetitive, she knew that was true. Her daughter kicked hard, almost catching her ribs and Meredith looked back down at the instructions. She hadn't spent the last few months of her life watching HGTV for nothing, and she was pretty sure she was just making this more complicated than it needed to be. She was going to build something from all these pieces for her active baby girl and that was all that mattered right now.

There had been a lot of googling to make sure she had all the pieces and she had been beyond grateful to her former landlords for leaving behind a great toolbox. By the end of today, she wouldn't be sitting in a completely empty nursery and she grinned at that thought as she reached for another piece. "My main goal is not to kill you, baby girl," she murmured as she picked up the screw driver. "That seems like something I should not do. And death by crib seems really…I don't know, that seems pretty bad, right? Like the least I could do is not build a death trap for you, you know?" She had started doing this a lot, just talking to Hailey like she was actually here and able to respond. Everything she read said her baby girl could actually hear her and she loved the idea of Hailey recognizing her voice the second she was born, but she did wonder if part of it was just the fact she was alone and didn't have a lot to do.

She screwed two parts of the crib together, resisting the urge to curse as her screwdriver slipped a couple of times and then looked back down at the instructions before sitting up on her knees to look at the piles she had tried to separate. Some parts were labeled as numbers and some were letters and she had tried to put them into their own piles but now she was just wondering if the manufacturers had just been completely crazy and evil. But she was going to figure this out. She was determined to at least figure out something in her life without making her brain obsess over it. Unlike so many other things going on, she actually had a set of instructions for this and she wasn't going to make this hard. She reached for another part and then groaned when she heard her doorbell ring.

Besides Derek, she honestly had no idea who it could be, but Derek had already told her was a hard day and she had pretty much figured he would be hiding out so she didn't think it would be him. And if her whole family had decided to surprise her, she wasn't sure if she would be pissed or not. She reached to stabilize herself on the box for the changing table and stood slowly, one of her hands moving to her lower back as it protested the movement. Maybe after she talked to whoever it was at the door, she could figure out a way to build the crib from a chair instead of the floor. She knew her daughter was doing a lot of growing right now and she knew that her third trimester meant she was going to get huge, but now she was realizing that meant she was going to have to make some changes to how she did things.

"Coming!" She yelled as the doorbell rang again and she walked down her hallway, pausing to grab her hoodie to slip on. While her house felt impossibly warm these days, the news had claimed Thanksgiving was going to bring record cold and snow squalls, which only made her question why anyone would be walking around Oakbrook Falls right now. "I'm here…" she announced as she opened her door and then paused when she saw Derek standing on her porch, his hands buried in the pockets of his winter jacket and snowflakes mixing into his graying curls. "Derek?"

"Hey," he breathed. A smile flickered over his lips but never reached his dark blue eyes and she reached forward to grab his wrist.

"What are you doing here?" She asked as she pulled him inside and quickly closed the door. His cheeks were red, he didn't have gloves on, and she closed her hands around his to rub them slowly. "It's freezing outside."

"I just…" Derek shook his head and then took a deep breath. She continued rubbing his hands, hoping he could at least warm up before she focused on anything else. He was quiet for a moment and she could feel his eyes on her, staring, and she was suddenly aware of the fact that she had taken to hanging out inside her house in nothing but her overalls over her nursing bra. It meant a lot of skin was on display and she swallowed heavily as Derek's breath seemed to hitch slightly. "You make things real."

"What?"

"You make things real," he repeated, flipping his hand to gently clasp one of hers. "Have you ever been alone and things just…stopped feeling real? You stop feeling real?"

"Oh," Meredith breathed. She tightened his grasp, letting her fingers press into his warming skin. "Sometimes, yeah."

"It's…I didn't even realize it," he shook his head as rapidly melting snowflakes fell from his curls. "I don't know when it became my normal or…but things have always felt a little blurry. And then when you're around…focus. It comes into focus. And I…I like the focus."

"Derek…" she whispered.

"I'm not using you," he said quickly. He shifted his weight slightly and then one of his hands moved to her stomach. "I'm not using you or Hailey and I'm not…you've made things feel really clear and real this week, Mer. Both of you have. And tonight I was at my house trying to read or watch TV or do anything but think and things started to go out of focus again."

"So you came here to get focus again?" She asked as she watched his face. Sometimes, he managed to close himself off so much that she couldn't read him, but right now, emotions were moving over his features so quickly that it almost took her breath away. Sadness seemed to melt into comfort as he pressed his body closer to hers and then wonder when Hailey started delivering her signature kicks before he looked down at her with that sparkly eye look that made her breath come out in a soft gasp.

"I'm not using you," he repeated softly. "It's…it can be a reciprocal thing, right? If you start to feel like things aren't real…I want to make you feel real. I just wanted…I'm not going to walk in here and let you make things feel real and leave. I'll…maybe it's not the best idea for me to be alone today. Or maybe I should be with you. I don't know what it is, Meredith. And I feel like I'm rambling, which I've clearly picked up from you."

"Derek," she giggled and then stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. It was a soft kiss, quick and directed towards silencing the man who constantly worried about what she had been afraid of, that he might be using her and Hailey for something instead of really being in this. Right now, she didn't think he was using her, she wasn't even sure he was capable of it, and she suddenly realized that things felt a little more real with him here in her hallway too. "Breathe. Take off your jacket."

"Okay," he agreed before his hands went to the zipper of his jacket. "This morning was…not warm but at least nice and a little windy. Now it's…"

"Derek, are you here to talk about the weather?" She raised an eyebrow just as the buzzer on her oven went off. "You came just in time."

"For what?"

"Pizza," she replied before turning towards her kitchen.

"Pizza?" Derek laughed. He caught up to her quickly and she smiled when she felt his arm slip around her waist. "You made pizza?"

"I…well, I put it in the oven," she shrugged. The magnet that seemed to exist between them immediately pulled her into his side and she rested her head against his shoulder as they walked down the hallway together. It felt so right, so real, and she shivered when she felt Derek's fingers trace along the bare and stretched skin that her overalls didn't cover.

"Hmmm…so not homemade," he murmured. "I should have brought over some steaks or something."

"It's okay," she insisted. "This is the anti-Thanksgiving meal. And day. Not that I'm necessarily anti the holiday, it's usually my favorite but…well…the point is, I'm building her crib and eating a frozen pizza."

"You're building her crib?" Derek raised his eyebrows as she pulled the pizza out of the oven. He stayed close to her, their bodies brushing against each other occasionally and she wondered if that was part of the being real thing. He had apparently lived in some kind of not real world for the last twenty years and if she was being honest with herself, she liked that she had managed to bring him back to something more real and solid.

"Well, I'm trying, but I'm pretty sure the manufacturers accidentally sent me pieces that don't go together. Or just hate babies and want their parents to potentially build a death trap for them," she shrugged. "Can you reach into that drawer and hand me the pizza cutter?"

"I should have known you were doing something for her," he chuckled before handing her the pizza cutter. "Are the overalls your uniform for doing something for her nursery?"

"No. I was actually just thinking that when I'm home and don't have to be anywhere, I live in them," she shrugged as she ran her hand over her growing stomach. "They're comfortable and when I feel huge at night or she's decided one side is more comfortable than the other, I can just unbutton the sides. They're not constricting."

"And you look great in them." His voice was soft and almost shaky and she held her breath as she felt him shift behind her. She felt his hands first, trailing along her sides, and she let herself lean back against his strong chest. The skin of his hands was rough but warm and familiar in the best of ways and neither of them said a word as his knuckles brushed against the sides of her bump, just along the very outer edge of the denim. "God, Mer."

"Hmmm?" She breathed.

"You're just…real," he whispered as his voice broke for a second and he nuzzled her ponytail. She could feel him take a deep breath and then let it out slowly before his fingers fell to the buttons on the sides of her overalls, gently unbuttoning them before the sides gapped and he could slip his hands to her front, cradling her belly. "You're real."

"I'm real," she squeezed his wrist. "You're real too."

"Oh."

"You're real, too, Derek," she assured him again. She knew the feeling he talked about, she had felt it a few times in her life, but she couldn't imagine feeling it for twenty years. It made her want to tell him he was real until he believed it, until he actually put himself back into the very real world he was living in. "You're real. I'm real. This is real."

"This is real," he echoed softly. His fingers were still playing along the stretched skin of her belly and she smiled softly when she felt his lips against her head.

"Better?" She whispered.

"Better," Derek confirmed into her hair. He didn't move for a second and she let him hold her even as her mouth salivated at the smell of the pizza. Sometimes feeling real again made her feel a little unsteady and she wondered if that's how he was feeling, if she made him feel just a little bit off. She would completely understand it if that was the case, but she just wanted him to know that he was real, that he had always been real. "Okay," he stated and then his warmth and solid body was suddenly gone as he took a couple steps back. "You wanted pizza."

"Have you eaten?" She asked.

"Hmmm…" he shook his head.

"Pizza," she ordered as she pointed to the bar stools that lined her island. "We are having dinner and you are eating pizza."

"Mer, I'm pretty sure you just used your mom voice on me," he laughed softly.

"What?" Meredith frowned.

"Your mom voice," he shrugged as he sat down. "I hadn't even argued with me but you just…you made it sound like I wasn't going to argue or I would be in big trouble. I had flashbacks of my mom taking my comic books away because I didn't listen to that exact voice."

"I have a mom voice?" She asked while she slid the pizza onto a serving plate.

"I've always wondered if it comes with pregnancy," he confirmed. "I guess that answers my question."

"Wow." She ran her hand along her stomach, shaking her head. "So the third trimester brings the mom voice. My app definitely didn't mention that."

"They dropped the ball," Derek teased softly.

"Apparently," she answered with a laugh. "I have juice and water. Maybe some Sprite."

"Water is fine."

She grabbed two bottles of water and then turned to sit slowly on the stool next to him, smiling gratefully at him as he turned to grab his water from her, his other hand gently grasping her elbow as she got comfortable. This didn't even come close to the plans she had had for tonight, but she was suddenly beyond happy he was here, especially since the crease in his forehead was now gone and his eyes were sparkling again. "I…do we say happy Thanksgiving or just…leave it?"

"Oh," he breathed, the end of his first slice of pizza hanging just in front of his lips as he cocked his head to the side. "I…with my family, we always went around saying what we were grateful for."

"Mine, too," she nodded.

"It got hard after…I haven't really…" he took a deep breath and then put his pizza down on his plate. "They don't usually make me do it if I do go."

"You have to be grateful for something," she insisted, reaching to squeeze his thigh. "The town?"

"Of course I'm grateful for somethings," he shook his head as he took a bite of his pizza. "I..I guess it always just sounded sad to my family that I would say Oakbrook Falls and my job."

"I don't think it's sad," she shrugged.

"I can add you onto the list this year," he smiled softly at her. "You and the little mouse."

"Oh," she blushed, rubbing her stomach as Hailey moved into her favorite spot on her right side. "The little mouse is loving the extra cheese pizza."

"She should," he laughed as he took another bite. "So…I'm thankful for Oakbrook Falls, my job, you, the little mouse, and Chris's coffee."

"If you had asked me if I had thought a seventy-something year old man with a pacemaker would make the best coffee I've ever had, I would have thought you were crazy," Meredith laughed. "I'm…my year has been kind of a shitshow. Being thankful…but I am thankful for Hailey and Oakbrook Falls. And you. And Watkins' Trail."

"Thankful for me?" Derek asked. His eyes were dark and maybe a little confused and she smiled as she leaned to kiss him softly. He tasted like pizza and him and she smiled against his lips as she reached to ruffle his curls.

"You're real," she reminded him again. "You're real and you're good and I'm thankful for you and you can't argue about what people are thankful for."

"Your mom voice is already perfect," he laughed and then nodded. "So we did the Thanksgiving thing."

"We did the Thanksgiving thing," she echoed. "Is it a big deal at your parents'?"

"A huge deal," he confirmed. "The whole family is there…including extended family. My mom loves the holidays and my dad can't wait for Thanksgiving to be over so that he can start decorating for Christmas. He'll probably have my brothers-in-law take down all the boxes from the attic tonight so they can decorate tomorrow."

"That's quick," she laughed. "None of your sisters are into Black Friday?"

"Hmmm…" he nodded. "Emily is. She's four years younger than me and she'll find any excuse to shop. She doesn't even care about the deals, she just wants to shop. And her husband can never say no to her so he usually ends up following her around while my parents watch their kids."

"It always sounded like torture to me," she shook her head. "Though I do have my eye on some things for her nursery on Amazon."

"But you're doing it online so that's okay," he assured her before he swallowed back some water. "I guess…I talked to my mom this morning. She said it was weird that neither of us boys were there. Mark…he went to Seattle with your sister?"

"Yeah, she's introducing him to the parents. She texted me earlier and said Dad liked him, which isn't easy."

"Mark's charming when he wants to be," Derek smiled slightly and then reached for her hand. "I haven't…have you told your parents…"

"About what?" She asked. "Me staying in Oakbrook Falls? Yes."

"No…me…us," Derek corrected.

"I'm not really sure what there is to tell yet," she shrugged as she squeezed his hand tightly. "I mean…we kiss a lot and go on hikes and have coffee in the morning. You're letting me carve out my spot in your life. But beyond that…I wasn't sure what to say."

"Me neither," he admitted softly. "I don't want…they've wanted me to date again. My mom used to say that my life didn't have to end just because Allison was gone. But I don't know how to tell them this. I don't want them to get their hopes up."

"In case you decide you can't do this?" Meredith asked.

"No…no," he shook his head. He turned in the bar stool and then reached to turn her towards him so that they were facing each other. One of his hands moved to her belly while the other cupped her cheek and he leaned close to her until he was on the edge of the bar stool, his eyes dark and concerned. "No, Mer. I want…god, I want you and Hailey in my life. I told you that. I just…you're about to be a new mom. I don't know how…if you decide you don't need me in your life…"

"Don't you dare do that, Derek Shepherd," she shook her head. "Don't put this on me. I don't know…I feel like there's a lot about you I don't know. You're a mystery to me and I don't like unsolved mysteries. I want to know you and I want you in my life as long as you want to be in it. If you think you can't do this, then you can tell me that now. But don't put it on me that I might not be able to handle your suitcases. I can as long as it's to help you, and not for it to crush me and Hailey."

"I wouldn't want it to," he whispered. "Not on purpose anyway."

"I…" she took a deep breath before leaning towards him. "You're real, okay? You're real and I'm real and Hailey is real…or will be when she's here. And this…whatever we're doing…it's real, too. And I know your fiancee was real. I know she still is to you. I'm not going to ask you to start acting like she wasn't. When you want to talk about her, I'll listen. But this is real, Derek. It's real and it's now. And you should enjoy the real and the now, okay?"

"I do," he assured her. "Our morning coffees are the most enjoyable parts of my week. And our hike last week. And this…sitting with you and eating extra cheese pizza because your daughter is a mouse…I'm enjoying this. It feels good to enjoy this."

"I'm glad," she smiled and then kissed him. "I need to pee."

"Go," he laughed softly. She moved carefully off the bar stool, smiling when Derek reached to help her down and then walked towards her bathroom. A part of her wasn't sure what to think about what Derek had said, about her not wanting him in her life. She knew she was about to be a new mom and she knew he had a lot of baggage for her to deal with, but she also knew that it seemed like some kind of ploy to take the pressure of of him and she didn't love that. If she didn't want to be in Derek's life, then she wouldn't be wasting her time right now. But she did want to and it just felt like another clue to the larger missing piece.

She was starting to get the idea that things were a lot darker in Derek's head than he had ever told her and she wasn't sure what to think of that. His family seemed loving and supportive, but he had pulled back from them in a pretty significant way for the last twenty years. And while she knew he blamed himself for Allison's death, it was starting to feel like there was something more. She knew it would be easy to find it out; even newspapers from twenty years ago would pop up in a search about a horrific deadly car accident that had killed a newly engaged woman right before her engagement party. But really, she wanted Derek to tell her himself. She wanted him to open up about his life more and she hoped he would eventually trust her enough to do that. The sad thing was that no one had really forced him to talk about it all before, at least not here in town, and it seemed to have given him permission to keep it all locked away, which had probably encouraged him to live in something that didn't feel real to him anymore.

Maybe tonight she would do some reading up on long-lasting grief and see what she could learn. She was dating Derek, she wanted him in her life, and that meant she had to understand what he was going through. And for now, she wasn't going to push him too much. It was a big enough step that he was here and that he was enjoying their time together and he wanted her to have that space in his life. This just…it had to happen slowly. And it wasn't like she had told him everything about her life. Things like that came out in bits and pieces, as trust grew or whatever.

She peed quickly and then turned to walk back to the kitchen, only pausing when she saw that the light in Hailey's nursery was on and the door was slightly ajar. "Derek?" She called and then poked her head into the room to find Derek sitting in the floor, his head bent over the instructions as he held two pieces of wood in his hand. "What are you doing?"

"I was curious about the death trap you were building for the little mouse," he shrugged, thought he didn't look up for the instructions. "Have you figured out why some are marked with numbers and some are marked with letters?"

"No," she shook her head. "Why? Have you?"

"God no,' he muttered, shaking his head. "My initial instinct was letters were things that would go vertical and numbers were things that would go horizontal but I might be completely off base."

"Remind me the next time I order furniture to pay for the assembly," she said, balancing herself on his shoulder as she sat down carefully next to him.

"I definitely will," he laughed, turning the page of the instructions. His brow was furrowed but in the way that she was sure everyone's brow furrowed when they were met with the challenge of building a newborn's bed and she smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder. He switched the two pieces of wood to his other hand and then rested his now free hand on her thigh, his thumb twitching against the denim slightly as he read.

She actually liked this. She liked that they could sit together in Hailey's nursery and just be with together. It felt strangely peaceful, like a hint of things that could be if they actually figured out how to work around each other's various suitcases. Maybe one day Hailey would be sleeping in the crib that wouldn't be a death trap and they could just sit together and enjoy the quiet that came when a baby finally fell asleep. The thought made her wrap her fingers around his as they rested on her thigh and she squeezed slightly as Derek's shoulders seemed to relax. "Tell me about Dr. Shetland."

"Hmmm?" He looked up at her. "Dave? You want to know about Dave?"

"I want to know about you," she countered. "And you love your job, which Dr. Shetland gave you."

"He did," Derek smiled softly before reaching for the screwdriver and box of screws. "Dave was…honestly, my first opinion of him was that he was an asshole. He was grumpy and judgmental and wasn't interested in my 'finding myself bullshit' as he called it when I walked into the clinic looking for a job. I was a young, twenty-seven year old kid and he didn't have a lot of time for me. He didn't like that I was from Long Island or that I had quit my residency at one of the top teaching hospitals in the country. I still don't know how I convinced him, but he was shorthanded and he said he would give me a year to prove myself."

"Was he originally from Oakbrook Falls?"

"Yeah," Derek nodded. "His family was pretty prominent before the town started to kind of fall apart, and he had been lucky enough to go to Harvard for both undergrad and medical school. His dad died when he was nineteen and left him a lot of money. And the second he graduated, he came back here and started a real, honest to god, full service medical clinic. One had never existed here before he did that."

"Wow," she breathed.

"Hand me the three plank," Derek murmured and then smiled. "The whole town loved Dave. He didn't put up with anyone's bullshit and he genuinely cared about all of his patients. He believed in home visits and making patients as comfortable as possible and he taught me all of it. I think he started to like me at some point because he actually started calling me by my name and let me start taking on my own patients. And every night before we shut down the office, he would pull out a couple of beers and we'd go over the day."

"Did he ever…did you tell him about Allison?" She asked softly.

"No, but he knew something. He never bothered me for details but he always…he understood my routines," he shrugged. His eyes were on the crib but she could see his body almost physically relaxing and he flashed a small smile at her. "Dave understood secrets. He was a gay man in a small town during the AIDS paranoia of the eighties and somehow managed not to be ostracized. He lived with his partner but they weren't really open about it. He separated his private and public life so I don't think it bothered him that I did it too."

"And then he kept you on."

"I think I might be getting somewhere with this and my theory might have been correct," he grinned before nodding. "I had a particularly hard case right towards the end of my first year. Half the elementary school had come down with strep and Dave was having a hell of a time dealing with it all. He was on a house call when the office got the call that a kid had been hit a school bus. It was foggy and the kid had leaned down to tie his shoe and the driver just hadn't seen him…it was bad." He swallowed as he screwed another plank together. "I ran as fast as I could. We just…we don't get these kinds of cases here and it was…an open book pelvic fracture, a head injury…Medevac was having a hard time landing because of the fog and we were really afraid the help wouldn't come. I…I went above and beyond and did burr holes…relieving the pressure in his brain right there on the ground. Dave came up just as I finished."

"Did…did he live?" Meredith breathed as she wrapped her arms over her belly.

"Hmmm…" Derek shook his head. "He died en route to the hospital. It was…god, it was horrible and tragic. That night Dave pulled Scotch out of his desk and told me there were some days that called for the harder stuff. And he let me drink until I had stopped crying. Then, he told me he had heard I had just bought the house and while he thought that was a damn fool thing to do considering the state of town, he was ready to give me the job."

"God…" she breathed, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Dave was an incredible doctor," he murmured. "He could have been a legend if he had gone to a huge hospital somewhere. Instead…he saw this town through so many ups and downs and he was so damn proud of it. It was an honor to work with him for fifteen years and when he left me the practice, I swore I would carry on his legacy."

"Do you miss him?"

"Every day," he confirmed as he worked. "I have his picture up in my office and I still talk to him sometimes when a hard case comes in. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that the clinic is mine. He…it was more than just him being a damn good doctor and my boss. He was my friend, and in some ways, another dad. Not that I need another dad, mine is incredible, but Dave just…he paid off my remaining loans and left me a successful practice. And he never doubted that I could figure out something here that could work for me. I miss him every day."

"I'm sorry," she breathed. She leaned over to press a quick kiss to his cheek which he quickly turned into a softer kiss to the lips as he turned his head. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he whispered and then smiled. "Me owning the clinic means I got to meet you and Hailey when you fell."

"Silver lining," she giggled softly and then winced as she felt the left side of her belly tighten.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked, his hands moving to her belly. Before she could say anything, she felt his hands beneath her arms and then pulled her up before pulling her into his chest. "Take a deep breath. It's a Braxton Hicks contraction. We'll just walk it off."

"Con-contraction?" She gasped.

"They're practice contractions," he soothed. His hand moved up and down her back, urging her to walk and she wrapped her arm tightly around his waist as they started walking around Hailey's nursery. "It should be stopping any second, changing positions helps it."

"I thought I had read about it in my book but I thought it would just be…I don't know…vaguely uncomfortable?"

"They usually are, but you might have been having them for a bit without really noticing," he explained. "Growing uterus and third trimester means you're going to feel them more."

"Oh," she breathed as she felt her belly start to relax. Derek led her out of the nursery and down her hall, his hand still rubbing her back as they walked together slowly. He didn't seem concerned, which was obviously a good thing, but he also didn't seem like he was about to let her go and get back to building the crib. He was so gentle with her and she wondered how he had just managed to fall for a pregnant woman after twenty years of not even looking at someone else, and if it ever freaked him out. It never seemed to, but she wasn't sure if he was starting to think like she was: that this pregnancy was starting to wind down and soon there would be a tiny baby girl in their world.

"Better?" He whispered.

"Hmmm…" she nodded, cradling her belly as Hailey kicked. His own hand followed hers and she smiled at the feeling of his hand against her. One day she wouldn't be pregnant and they could probably actually just be a semi-normal couple, if that was still what he wanted once Hailey was here, and it meant their days wouldn't evolve around her belly or changing body. Not that Derek ever seemed to mind it, because he didn't. He loved feeling Hailey's kicks and wiggles and right now he definitely seemed to love her overalls. His hands had barely been off her since he had showed up and he definitely seemed to like the direct contact that her lack of a shirt underneath them seemed to afford.

"Do you want some water?" He asked softly as his hand slid along her right side until it cupped the bulge of Hailey's favorite resting space. His thumb twitched, sliding along her skin, and she leaned back against the door of her bedroom as her body started to heat.

"I'm okay," she shook her head before looking up into his blue eyes. She would have expected them to be focused on her belly but they were on her and she felt like she could melt with the sheer intensity of how he studied her. His brow was creased a little and she reached up to smooth with it with her thumb until it disappeared. "This is real," she whispered, in case he needed to hear it again.

"Mer…" Derek shook his head slowly. "It should be freaking me out and maybe it will later but…nothing, in my whole life, has ever felt this real before this very minute.'

"Oh," she breathed but he quickly cut off the sound as he leaned in to kiss her. Her body, which was just filled with hormones that had minds of their own, immediately responded with an eagerness that surprised her. Derek was an amazing kisser for a man who had been on the bench for twenty years, and now that he was trying to fit her into his life, he didn't hold back. When she pressed her body into his, he immediately molded around her belly so that he was close to her as his tongue swept into her mouth. Even the pressure of that felt soothing somehow and she moaned as it stroked hers, in time with Derek's fingers brushing along her skin. The hormones were screaming that she needed him right now or she would explode, and when he reached behind her to open the door to her bedroom, stumbling in with him just seemed like the best possible course of action, even if it meant they broke apart for the briefest of seconds.

"Fuck, Mer," he whispered shakily. "I…fuck."

"Is that a bad fuck or a good fuck?" She asked as he immediately reached for her again. His hand spread across her lower back, stabilizing the curve of her spine as he pressed soft kisses to her nose and cheeks.

"A mixture of good and confused," he whispered against her skin. "I had no intention…maybe some intention…and then we were in the hall and I remembered you, in those overalls, jerking me off and I just…fuck."

"Fuck," she echoed with a giggle.

"Exactly," he shook his head slowly though there was a wide smile on his face as he stepped back slightly from her. It wasn't completely dark out yet and the shadows from the lights outside played across Derek's face as he stared at her. His eyes were doing that weird soft sparkly thing that she couldn't actually describe as anything but the sparkly eyes thing and she wasn't sure what was more of a turn on, the way he was looking at her or the way she knew he was about to kiss her. "Meredith?"

"Hmmm?" She breathed.

"Can I do something I've wanted to do since the first time I saw you in these overalls?"

"What?" She asked as he stepped towards her. "I mean…I guess…"

"I just…" he took a deep breath before reaching out with shaking fingers to unhook one buckle and gently letting it slide down her back with a soft clatter. She could feel herself holding her breath as her body heat radiated from head to toe and she licked her lips when Derek repeated the action with the other buckle. The bib of the overalls fell down to her pregnant belly, catching on the most exaggerated part of the curve and Derek gasped softly as she felt her chest rise to the sound of it. "I…hold on," he whispered before sliding to his knees, kneeling just in front of her belly. He peeled the bib down along the curve, displaying her belly completely, and Meredith felt her legs shake as he slide his hands along her naked stomach. "Okay, little mouse," he whispered against her skin, "now is the time to take a nap. I promise I'll get to know you a little more in a bit. But right now…I really want to know Mommy."

"Derek," she murmured breathlessly. "I…"

"So sleep, little mouse," he murmured and then pressed a kiss to her stomach before looking up at her. His eyes were sad for the briefest of seconds but then settled back into the sparkly eye thing that made her want to shake off the rest of the stupid overalls and fuck him for the rest of her life. "I don't know…can I just explore for a bit, Meredith? I really don't know if I'm ready for…but can I…"

"Y-yeah," she nodded eagerly as he stood again. He was still fully dressed in his jeans and dark blue henley and she really wasn't sure if she had ever felt more erotic in her life than she did at nearly seven months pregnant, in her bra and half-off overalls in front of a man who was fully dressed and intent on exploring her. His hand was shaking when he lifted it towards her cheek and she immediately nuzzled it, hoping she could at least stop the shaking as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. It should have been a let down but her body apparently didn't think so judging by the way she shivered.

"I need to start carrying a thesaurus," he whispered before sliding his lips to the tip of her nose. "You don't like when I call you beautiful."

"It was frustrating before," she insisted.

"Still…gorgeous," he decided, rubbing her nose with his before ducking his lips to hers. "You're gorgeous, Meredith Grey."

"Derek," Meredith felt herself blush at his words. She really couldn't remember the last time a man had said it to her. Hailey's stupid sperm donor had called her hot as fuck a few times but gorgeous had never been in his vocabulary. His language had been coarse and while that had been exciting as hell during their hook ups, there was something so much more erotic about the sound of Derek's voice as he tentatively explored her. One shaking hand was sliding along the side of her neck and down her shoulder as the other grazed the stretch skin of her right side before moving up her belly to just below her breasts. It had been six months since anyone had touched her like this and she was quickly starting to realize that every fantasy she had conjured up during her vibrator sessions weren't enough to make up for the real thing.

"If you get uncomfortable, tell me," Derek whispered. "I don't know…what's your…I've never done this with a pregnant woman before."

"I've never done this as a pregnant woman," she laughed breathlessly.

"New experiences for both of us," he smiled softly and then kissed her again. It was so gentle and feather-light that for a moment, she had thought he was taking a break from actually exploring her. But then the hand that had been just under her breast slid to her back, to the hook and eye enclosure of her bra strap and he deepened his kiss as his hands shook and fumbled slightly. "I…it's been…these are tougher than normal bras, right?"

"I think so," she nodded as she angled her arms back to help him. The bra strap was made of heavy duty material that was designed to give her growing boobs as much support as humanly possible and while it was mostly comfortable, she was suddenly grateful as it came undone and Derek slid the purple bra off of her, allowing her breasts to fall free. Her brain caught the dual sounds of Derek's soft, breathy growl and her bra falling to the floor and then she realized how fuzzy things were getting, but not in the not real way. Just in the way that told her she was going to lose control of herself the second Derek put his fingers or tongue anywhere near her sensitive boobs. And the second his hand cupped her right breast, she knew her hormones were in complete control and she was just along for the ride as he weighed it before gently tweaking her nipple. "Oh…oh god…"

"Does…does it hurt?" He whispered.

"No…no…again," she murmured and then her head fell back, allowing the fuzziness to take over her. One of Derek's fingers was gently rolling the hardened nub of her nipple while he ducked his head down to take the other into his mouth. Pleasure immediately exploded through her and she grasped his dark curls in her fingers, surprised by the way her hips rolled against him. It was almost too much but not enough all at once and a part of her wondered if she was about to wake up from a super erotic dream that would leave her reaching for her vibrator. But Derek felt real, his tongue felt real, and the way her body searched for release was too real for words. She wrapped an arm tightly around him, holding on as her legs shook and her chest heaved with soft gasps.

Her vibrator was good, but there was no way it could ever be this good. When she was at her horniest, it made her orgasm quickly and got the job done. But she hadn't even been horny until Derek had asked if he could explore her and now all she wanted was to orgasm. His thigh had slipped between her legs, almost holding her up as he sucked at her nipple while his hand massaged her breast with alternating pressures that made her start to ride his leg, her hips rolling. His breath was ragged against her hot skin and she thought she heard her name just seconds before he trailed his teeth along her. She stumbled slightly, but Derek caught her, his strong hand stabilizing her at her curved back and it was the last sensation she was really aware of before her body tightened and then rode her release with a breathy cry that couldn't have possibly been her.

"Mer…" he whispered as he released her nipple and moved his lips back to hers, swallowing each desperate moan that accompanied her orgasm. She was floating away on a wave but Derek kept her anchored, kept her right up against his body and it took her a few seconds to start kissing him back with a hunger she had never felt before. "Gorgeous. Incredible. Fuck."

"Was…was that…pay…back?" She panted into his mouth and her body shivered as he laughed.

"Maybe," he whispered before he reached between them. He was hard as hell, she could feel his insistent erection between them, but he just adjusted himself before leading her to the bed. "You are…thesaurus. I need a thesaurus."

"You're fucking amazing," she offered as she buried her swirling head in her pillow. "Best ever. They should name vibrators after you. Whole sex stores."

"Orgasms make you ridiculous," he nodded and she turned her head to watch him sink into bed next to her. "Noted for future reference."

"You…you wanted to do that since last time?" She whispered.

"Well, not that exactly but I wanted to explore you," he murmured, reaching forward to brush his fingers over the strands that had fallen out of her ponytail. "I still do. I just…maybe a little carried away."

"Not carried away," she shook her head. The floaty feeling was starting to go away and she was starting to come back to earth, to the way her sheets felt against her naked belly, which was moving with Hailey's movements, and to the way Derek was looking at her as he scooted closer to her. "You…you're not going to run now, are you?"

"Definitely not," he shook his head as he pressed another kiss to her nose. "It's freezing and snowing out there. You're warm."

"And real," she offered stupidly.

"And real," Derek echoed. His arm wrapped around her and pulled her close to him. Her still sensitive breasts rubbed against his henley and the smallest of aftershocks moved through her as Derek ducked his head down to kiss her again. Their legs tangled together naturally, like they had already been doing it their whole lives, and if she had the energy, she would roll on top of him and repay the favor. But this was a step, a great step, and she was beyond happy to make out with him as one of his fingers swirled over her popped belly button.

They could figure this out. It was the main thought coming through the swirl of the her hazy brain and she was happy to let it come to the forefront. He was a mystery, he didn't make total sense to her yet, but they could figure this out. Derek was a good man, a great man probably, and she doubted there was another man in the world who would so happily bring a pregnant woman into his life and his bed. It might have been twenty years since he had last done anything like this, but he had chosen her to start again. She didn't think it would always be as easy as this moment, but the safety and peacefulness that were washing her in waves as Derek's fingers laced with hers over her belly made her feel more real than she had ever felt in her whole life.

_This wasn't a part of the plan_

_The point of no return is getting closer_

_And I can't stand it how you're all I think about_

_This one's gonna force my hand_


	19. A Life Sentence

**Chapter 19- A Life Sentence**

Sometimes, Meredith felt like she was living in some very strange dream. It wasn't that things didn't feel real, it was just that she couldn't believe that she was twenty-nine weeks pregnant with a baby girl who would not stop moving, dating a small town doctor who was doing everything in his power to seem okay, or living in a small town that had some of the most amazing hiking trails she had ever seen. All of it was real, but sometimes things felt so real that she just couldn't believe it all. She didn't totally understand how she had ended up here, but she did know that she was happy she had. Especially on days like today, when she was hiking with the amazing small town doctor who seemed to really like her.

She wasn't stupid. She knew Derek was broken in a lot of ways, but she wasn't exactly coming into this dating thing with no suitcases. Neither of them were perfect and she couldn't expect that from him, especially when he really was trying his best. It had been twenty years since he had last dated and while that would probably intimidate most women, she found his sometimes shy attempts at romance to be kind of ridiculously cute. He texted her throughout the day, he had made her a steak the night before, and he was an amazing kisser. And really, she found herself feeling more comfortable with him than she had ever felt with anyone before. Whether they were hiking in silence, talking about Hailey, or just laughing over the antics of certain townspeople, she just felt like she could be herself around him, and she hoped he felt the same way about her.

Of course, there was the big black cloud hanging over them. It was just a few days until the twentieth anniversary of his fiancee's death and she really was trying to be understanding. He hadn't really said anything about it, but the hike had been mostly silent and she had let him have that. She had absolutely no idea what it would be like for him or how he was going to deal with it, but she wanted to be as supportive as humanly possible. Whatever happened over the next few days wouldn't be about her and she needed to remember not to take anything personally. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now so she was just going to hike with him today and enjoy how real he felt. She wondered if he realized how real he was, and how much of a good thing that really was. Right now, in this moment, the two things that felt the most real to her were her daughter kicking inside her and Derek's hand gently holding hers as they walked back down the path.

There were really wasn't any kind of plan today. Derek had wanted to go hiking and really she loved the idea of spending as much time as humanly possible on the trails until she couldn't. Hiking helped both of them clear their minds and she really didn't think there was anything better than clearing her head with the man who was quickly becoming so integral to her new life. It would have been easier and much less complicated to just come here and have her baby, write a series of essays about living in a small town on the brink of a real rebirth, and then move back to New York. But she was here and right now, she didn't care about less complicated. It would be impossible to explain all this to her family, but a little bit of hard actually seemed worth it. Derek was an amazing man who actually seemed to really care about both her and her unborn baby, and she was sure that had to be rare. He loved the small town he had found himself in after his life had fallen apart and if he came to love her and Hailey half as much as he loved Oakbrook Falls, then she would probably be the luckiest woman in the world.

His hand gently closed around hers and she smiled softly when she felt him squeeze her fingers three times. It was turning into some kind of code between them, some kind of silent reminder to both of them that this was something real. While Derek clearly needed it more than she did, it brought her right back to this moment, coming to the end of their weekly hike, and she curled into him before he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "Doing okay?" He whispered.

"I told you, hiking helps the aches and pains of pregnancy," she rolled her eyes before turning to look up at him. "Are you okay?"

"Hmmm..." he shrugged before wrapping his arm tightly around her. It had been his answer for the last couple of days and she couldn't help but notice that he hadn't shaved in a bit. His usual five o'clock shadow was thickening along his jaw line and the crease between his eyes looked deeper today. She hadn't slept over at his place since the tree lighting and Derek almost always came up with an excuse to keep from staying overnight with her. It all made her wonder if he was having nightmares and what she could do to help. But all she could do was ask him if he was okay and then be content with his shrug.

"What's the plan for the rest of today?" She asked instead.

"Lunch," Derek smiled at her. "It's been two hours since little mouse has had any cheese, so I'm sure she'll tell you soon how unhappy she is with that fact. After that, I figured you might want to come with me to watch them build the set for the elementary school's Christmas play."

"You...why exactly are you spending an afternoon watching a set be built?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"I realize how it sounds," he insisted, squeezing her closer. "But when something like forty men come together to build something, I usually get called in to stop bleeding. Last year, I had to remove a screwdriver from a man's arm."

"You...why?

"It's generally not advisable to live your life with a screwdriver in your arm, Mer."

"You know what I meant!" She gently swatted at his chest.

"Hmmm..." he nodded as he caught her hand. "There seemed to be some kind of disagreement about the angle of the roof of the manger. Words were exchanged, something about a man's wife being the town slut, punches were thrown and...well, not everyone's fists are as ineffectual as yours."

"But a screwdriver? Seriously?"

"Like I said...bloodshed," he nodded. "So I'm hopeful that if I'm actually there, they'll decide not to use weapons."

"You actually think there will be another fight this year?"

"For sure," he promised. "I treated two women for chlamydia last week. And one man. The other man called to make an appointment yesterday and he was pissed."

"I...holy crap," she breathed as she ran her hand over her belly. "Hailey, I swear I didn't know Oakbrook Falls was so crazy."

"Small towns usually are," Derek laughed softly. It sounded a little forced and his blue eyes widened slightly like he wasn't expecting the laugh and Meredith felt her chest constrict slightly.

"Then I guess I'll join you," she nodded before turning to face him. His gaze was soft but a little sad and she reached up to run her fingers through his wind blown curls, watching his head dip down slightly before nuzzling her wrist. Her other hand moved from her belly to his free hand and she squeezed three times, gently at first and then a little firmer as his body relaxed.

"Mer..." he whispered against her wrist. His lips brushed just over her pulse point and she stepped closer to him, suddenly desperate to just hear him talk about anything and everything going through his messy brain. "You...you won't regret it."

"I'm sure I won't," she agreed softly. "Derek."

"Let's get you warm and fed," Derek insisted before pulling back from her. It had been like this over the last couple of days. Sometimes it just seemed like the giant suitcase Derek carried wanted to crush him, but he somehow managed to push it away. She had no idea how he managed to do it or even why, but she tried not to be too bothered by it. A part of her wondered if it was her fault, if all of her talk about his suitcase had made him determined to hide it away instead of unpacking some of it. Either way, it wasn't her place, at least not yet, and she wasn't going to push him on it.

The simple fact was, Derek had made a lot of progress in the very little time she had known him. His routines were still important to him and he still tended to live in his head a lot, but the town hadn't exactly been quiet about how strange and reclusive their doctor was. He was with her now and he seemed committed to that right now. In the twenty years since Alison has died, he had never been able to take that step, so she wasn't going to force all the steps at once. It was more important for them to be sure of this, to know they were good together before Hailey came and got used to him, so other steps could wait.

"Are we thinking grilled cheese again or something else?" Derek asked as they walked together down the street towards his house. Another snow storm was threatening, the gray clouds were heavy with the promise of it, and Meredith couldn't help but imagine spending a cold snowy night with her boyfriend in front of his fireplace.

"Grilled cheese is good," she agreed. "Or a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich."

"A what?" He asked, a frown deepening the crease between his eyes as he looked down at her.

"I knew you were going to make that face," she giggled. "Lexie, who is supposed to love me, went out to dinner last night and had a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich from a food truck when the restaurant she went to first had baby portions. She sent me a picture and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"I...just to be sure I understand," Derek said slowly, "this is like a grilled cheese sandwich but instead of cheese you have macaroni and cheese?"

"Exactly," she nodded eagerly.

"Mer, they should call it a heart attack. Or a cardiologist's paycheck."

"One grilled mac and cheese sandwich won't clog your arteries immediately," she rolled her eyes.

"No, but the second the little mouse gets a taste of that, we know it won't be just one," he shook his head.

"Derek..." she pouted as they stopped in front of his house. She grabbed his hands, holding them tightly as she cocked her head to the side and let her shoulders turn slowly from side to side. "Please? Please?"

"Meredith, I practically raised my little sister and have taken on the role of pediatrician for eighteen years," he laughed softly, reaching out to tap her nose. "Puppy eyes don't work on me."

"Well, if puppy eyes don't work on you, I have other more fun things that might," she giggled before leaning in to kiss him. His arms immediately wrapped around her, pulling her close as his tongue gently trailed along her lips. This was something they could do, this felt natural and right in all the ways she had always wanted, and it was easy to forget his silences when he kissed her like this.

"Derek?" A gruff voice came from behind her and Derek's eyes popped open quickly before he pulled back from her.

"Dad?" Derek said quickly, his wide eyes trained over his shoulder. "Ma. I...what are you guys doing here?"

"We just wanted to be with you, sweetheart," An older woman stated as Meredith turned to look at the people who were apparently Derek's parents. She had seen a picture of them at Derek's office, but it had been a close up and clearly a couple of years old. Derek's mom was shorter than her, her curly hair was cut short, and Meredith didn't miss the way her eyes moved up and down Meredith's body. "I..."

"You didn't call, Ma," Derek groaned as he ran his hand through his hair. "You can't just show up...I have a life here."

"Buddy," the older man in the wheelchair sighed heavily, even as his eyes fell to her belly too and stayed there. It was like getting a look at Derek thirty years in the future. They had the same mouth, the same eyes, and even the same furrow between their eyebrows.

"No, Dad, you guys can't just show up," Derek snapped. "We talked yesterday and...nothing. You didn't say anything and you can't just.."

"Derek, please," Mrs. Shepherd murmured, her hands reaching out to her son, who was now shaking. "Just take a deep breath."

"I don't need to take a deep breath," he insisted. Every inch of his body was tight and Meredith had no idea if she was supposed to touch him or not right now. He had always talked about his parents with admiration, even if he did admit their relationship hadn't been great over the last twenty years. But this was anger and panic and Mr. Shepherd was still staring at her in a way that made her want to turn and run. "You can't just decide to see me and keep it a secret. You have to tell me. I...there are plans and routines and..."

"I think it's a little rich to be complaining about secrets right now, bud," Mr. Shepherd snorted. Meredith felt her hands creep over her belly, trying to protect her wiggly baby from whatever was about to happen.

"What..." Derek frowned and then turned to look at her, his eyes wide. "Jesus Christ, Dad, you don't...she moved here a couple months ago! I'm not...she's...this isn't the fucking point, and you know it!"

"Derek," Mrs. Shepherd said sharply. "I understand you're upset with us but that language and tone are not okay, not with us."

"Don't lecture me on my language, Ma," He snapped harshly. "I told you on the phone I was fine and now...you can't...this is..." He shook his head hard as his body trembled in the cool air. Meredith had seen Derek upset, she had seen him sad and struggling but this was different. It was a deep and terrifying anger that she couldn't figure out at all.

"Derek, that's enough," Mr. Shepherd ordered as he wheeled forward. His bright blue eyes were starting to get dark just like Derek's did when he was concerned, and she stepped aside as the older man reached for Derek's hand. "Take a deep breath and count to ten."

"I don't need to count to ten, Dad! I need to know why my parents have decided to treat me like I don't have choices! Didn't I say I would be okay? Didn't I say I didn't need you guys here?"

"You're not exactly open with us," Mrs. Shepherd pointed out. "We try to have conversations with you and it's on your terms. It's about your patients and your work and your hikes. You don't let us..." She held up her hands as she took a deep breath. "This is not a conversation to be having on the sidewalk. Let's go inside."

"No, Ma, I'll go inside," Derek shook his head as he started up his steps. "I said I didn't need you two here and I meant it." He stomped inside and slammed the door shut, making Meredith flinch slightly as she stood frozen on the side walk. He hadn't even looked back at her or grabbed her hand and she wasn't sure what to do. She was just standing here with Derek's parents who were probably amazing people, but also probably more than a little curious about the pregnant woman their son had been kissing.

"Well, that didn't go quite as well as we had hoped," Mr. Shepherd said as he ran his hands over the wheels of his chair. "Not as bad as I had feared though so all in all..."

"Not now, Michael," Mrs. Shepherd murmured as she took off her glasses and ran her fingers underneath her eyes.

"Yes, dear," the older man nodded and then glanced at Meredith with a raised eyebrow.

"I..." Meredith took a deep breath before holding out her hand to him. "I'm Meredith. Which...I mean, that probably doesn't mean anything to you. Derek hasn't...not that I'm surprised he hasn't because things are new and when things are new and hard to name...I mean, I haven't told my parents yet. I'm definitely going to but with my job and the baby...my point is, I'm Meredith."

"Hello, Meredith," Mr. Shepherd nodded, a slight smirk lifting the right corner of his mouth. He had a light accent that she couldn't place, but it was strangely comforting as he offered his own hand. "I'm Mike Shepherd, this is my wife Carolyn."

"I...it's nice to meet you," Meredith murmured.

"And who is this?" He nodded to her belly.

"Oh..." she breathed as she glanced down at her stomach. "Hailey. This is Hailey. She's...um...she's my daughter, obviously. I just...Derek isn't...he can't be...I really did meet him a couple months ago. And I'm in my third trimester so Derek isn't...you're not going to be grandparents in three months so that's good, I guess."

"Hmmm..." Mrs. Shepherd nodded slowly. "But you are dating my son. You said it was new."

"I...that's not...it's really new, Mrs. Shepherd," she whispered. "Derek isn't...I think he's trying to figure out how to do this after twenty years and I just...I really like your son. Maybe not right now but...I really like him. He just needs to decide...he's trying to do this."

"So he's told you then?" Mrs. Shepherd asked.

"About Alison?" Meredith nodded. "He told me."

"Just about Alison?" Mr. Shepherd raised an eyebrow. "Or about the accident?"

"He told me he and Alison were driving to the engagement party and there was an accident. Alison was in a coma for three weeks before she died."

"And that's all he's told you?" Mrs. Shepherd exchanged a glance with her husband that made Meredith's heart speed up. "He...not about Noah and Melanie? Or...what happened after?"

"Noah and..." Meredith trailed off, wrapping her arms around her belly as she glanced at Derek's door. "I...he said things were bad after and then he moved here. I don't..."

"Carolyn," Mr. Shepherd said sharply as Mrs. Shepherd opened her mouth. "It's not our story to tell, love."

"Of course it isn't but if she doesn't know what to look for..."

"What to look for?" Meredith echoed.

"Let's check into the bed and breakfast," Mr. Shepherd reached for his wife's hand. "It was nice to meet you, Meredith. I...well, I hope we get the opportunity to know you."

"Oh...okay..." Meredith breathed as the couple turned to go back to their car. Her brain was swirling and her chest felt tight as she tried to take a deep breath in. She had always figured there was more to Derek's story, but she hadn't actually come up with any theories in the interest of him letting her in. But instead, she was standing outside his house feeling like she had just survived several bombs. And the problem was, the bombs didn't actually answer any questions. She had no idea who Noah and Melanie were, she didn't understand what she had to watch for, and she didn't understand why the usually mild-mannered Derek had been so angry with his parents. None of it made any sense and she wasn't sure she could even move right now, much less go and ask Derek to clarify what the fuck was happening.

He had promised her he was going to let her in, that he wasn't going to hide anything. The smaller details would have come but a lot of this felt really big and scary. It felt like he had made the decision to let her into his world but then had kept up about a million walls that she would never be able to scale by herself. It would be easier to go home and just...be done with it. He could be her doctor and Hailey's pediatrician but that could be it. Except every inch of her was screaming that t was impossible for this to just end like this, and her journalist brain was screaming question after question. She was curious and scared and sad and putting one foot in front of the other just felt beyond hard.

But before she was even aware she was going to do it, she found herself inside Derek's house and she took a deep breath to steady herself. "Derek?" She called softly. She walked past the desk Derek never let her pause at and then down the hall towards his bedroom. "Derek?"

"Go away," he answered, his voice rough.

"That...that isn't an option right now," she insisted as she opened his bedroom door. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, his feet firmly planted on the floor as he sucked in a tight breath. His eyes were red but the shaking had mostly stopped and she took a tentative step towards him.

"Meredith, go away," he repeated as he stared at his trembling fingers.

"No," she shook her head. "You promised me I would get to know you, that you wouldn't hide. So no hiding."

"This...no," he shook his head as he stood. "Go home."

"I'm not going home, Derek."

"I said go home!" Derek shouted. "I left you out there for a reason. Take a fucking hint."

"You don't get to yell at me, Derek," Meredith insisted as she followed him down his hallway. His entire house felt too small but she wasn't leaving. No matter what he said, she wasn't leaving. "I don know why you yelled at your parents like that but I am not them and I didn't do anything wrong. So no, you don't get to yell at me. I don't deserve that and I don't deserve to be pushed away either so I am not leaving."

"I..." he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. His entire face looked different, like it was falling apart and all he could do was give into it. It was devastating to watch and she didn't know what to do besides reach out to try to squeeze his hand three times. He flinched at her touch, pulling back from her as he turned to walk towards his living room.

"Who are Noah and Melanie?" She asked from behind him. He froze immediately, his shoulders tensing as he sucked in a desperate breath.

"They...they told..."

"No," she shook her head. "But they thought I knew everything and they asked. And I have tried to be patient with you, Derek, I have. Neither of us are perfect and we both have big suitcases here. But your suitcase is twenty years old and you refuse to open it for anyone. So I thought...I thought you told me the big thing. I don't...I don't totally understand what you're doing after twenty years but I thought...and I was going to be patient."

"You need to leave," he whispered. "Now."

"Okay, well we both know that isn't happening so you can stop saying that," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"They...they're none of your business," Derek hissed, turning back to her. There were tears in his eyes, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, and he stumbled slightly as he took a step towards her.

"Bullshit," she shook her head. "I am dating you or whatever. You said you wanted me to have a place in your life well...this is me demanding my spot. I'm not carving it, Derek, I can bulldoze it instead. You...you want to be in my daughter's life and I am not going to have her be hurt by something I could have prevented. So. Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"I take it back," he shot back. "I take it back. This...Oakbrook Falls and being...this has been good for eighteen years. You're the one who came falling into my life. And you know what? You're right to protect Hailey from me, Meredith. I should have protected both of you but I...so protect her. Leave."

"I am not leaving," Meredith insisted, cradling her belly as she moved closer to him. "Who are Noah and Melanie?"

"Meredith! Leave!"

"Who are Noah and Melanie?" She demanded again. His body was tight with emotions she wasn't sure he would even be able to name if he wanted to, but right now it seemed like anger and sadness. She grabbed his arm and forced him to turn back to her as he struggled. "Who are they, Derek? What do they have to do with the accident and why did your mom say to your dad that I need to know what to watch for? What the hell is going on?"

"Stop," he pleaded. "Just go. Leave. Please."

"Don't make me dig," she threatened. "I can...even an accident from twenty years ago...there will be information. Don't make me..."

"Fuck!" Derek hissed as he suddenly grabbed her wrist. "You want to know who Noah and Melanie are? You really want to know...fuck, Meredith." He pulled on her wrist, practically dragging her to the desk as he opened it and pulled out a handful of pictures before slamming them down on the desk, making her jump. "Do you want to know?"

"Derek..." Meredith breathed as she glanced down at the photos. It was a family photograph, one of the cheesy ones people used to do at a Sears or whatever, but it wasn't the Shepherds. The man who was grinning proudly wasn't Mike Shepherd, but a man with thinning blonde hair, his arm wrapped tightly around a curvy woman with light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. And then there were three kids. A young man with a goofy grin, pulling at his sister's light brown hair while the younger sister, who looked like a teenager still, pulled a ridiculous face at the camera. "Who..."

"Noah," Derek pointed violently at the young man, "he was Alison's older brother. He was decapitated in the accident. They found his head outside the car."

"Oh god..." Meredith breathed, suddenly feeling sick.

"Melanie," he continued as his finger landed on the youngest girl. "The airbag crushed her face, pushing bone fragments into her brain. She died en route to the hospital and her parents barely recognized her when they went to identify her. They...they couldn't even recognize their baby girl."

"Derek, stop," she whispered as his fingers tightened around her wrist.

"Alison," his voice broke as he pointed to his fiancée. "The doctors told her parents there was nothing they could do. Her entire body...they wouldn't let me go into her room or go to her funeral. They..." He paused and took a deep breath before moving his shaking finger to the older man. "Ed. He died a year later from a heart attack. He ran every day, was a vegetarian...never smoked or drank. His doctors called it broken heart syndrome."

"That...Derek," she murmured as she swallowed back the vomit that rose in her throat.

"And Lori," Derek finished as he pointed to the woman. "Breast cancer three years later. She didn't even try to fight it. Her doctors gave her three months without treatment, she died a week later. She didn't even fucking try."

"That..."

"Do you get it now?" He asked as he lifted the photo and all but shoved it in her face. "Does it make sense now? Is that good enough scoop? The town doctor murdered an entire fucking family twenty years ago. An entire fucking family wiped out because I left my fucking wallet at work!"

"That wasn't your fault, Derek," she whispered through the nausea.

"Do not try to minimize this, Meredith," he shook his head as tears poured down his cheeks. "Do not...do not patronize me with platitudes. You wanted to know...now you know. Do you really want a murderer in your daughter's life?"

"But, Derek," she started, trying to find some kind of coherent thought as she stared at the photos on the desk. Noah and Alison on Christmas morning, wearing matching sweaters. Alison, Noah, and Melanie at the younger girl's graduation. Melanie and her big sister laughing at the camera. Even a torn photo of Alison and her sister and just the hint of Derek's arm wrapped around them.

"I murdered them," Derek insisted, slamming his hand down hard on the pictures. "I fucking murdered them twenty years ago."

"That's...god, Derek, it was...a horrible accident," she whispered as she felt a tear slip down her cheek.

"I need to go," he whispered. He pulled back from her, sucking in a breath. "I...just go, okay? Just...don't do this to yourself. Or her."

"You...Derek, don't," she whispered as he reached for his jacket. "Let's just...don't."

"I can't...Meredith, I can't add more lives to my list, okay?" He shook his head. "You got your information. Now you know what I did that night. What my actions did for years after. Just...go. Please. Go."

"Oh," she breathed as she stared down at the happy picture of the family that had been wiped out in one night. She couldn't imagine the pain Ed and Lori had experienced, how much it had broken them to know all three of their kids had died while Derek had lived. She felt Hailey kick inside her and she ran her fingers over her belly before nodding and turning to the door. She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't know how to make him feel less guilty or make him feel better. For twenty years, he had carried this deep inside himself. She had no idea how long it had taken until it was small enough to fit in a suitcase but now she felt like it had exploded again and she had no idea what her place was in all this. "Derek."

"Don't," he insisted. "This...it's too big of a suitcase. I knew it would be. Don't feel...it's okay. Just go."

"Okay," she whispered, turning to look at him just as he closed the door in her face. He didn't slam it, but it felt like he had and she sucked in a tight breath to try to clear her mind. There were more questions, a lot more, but all her brain could focus on was the details of the accident, of what Derek had carried. She hadn't understood his grief, not really, but there was more to this than grief. There was violence and trauma, the kind of trauma that destroyed a person and suddenly, it all made sense. Derek's desperation for routine was probably the only way he had ever learned to deal with seeing his decapitated future brother-in-law.

He hadn't been able to say goodbye, he hadn't been able to get the closure for that chapter of his life. It had been violently torn away from him and she understood the urgent hide from it all, if only because she wasn't sure she'd be able to face the world if it was her. Derek,# entire life had been destroyed in a minute, and he had blamed for the destruction wrought on everyone else involved. It was heartbreaking and tragic and it meant the suitcase was bigger than she could have ever imagined, and she wasn't sure if she and Hailey were going to be able to help him unpack it, or if it was better to just walk away and not look back, no matter how much it hurt.

_But all I see is a storm that you'll get lost in_

_**Author's Note: I am so so sorry for how long this update has taken. January was a really rough month for me physically and emotionally and I knew this update would take too much out of me when I had so little to give. Thank you all for your patience and support and I promise a month long hiatus won't be the norm! -KT**_


	20. An Anchor of Hopelessness

Chapter 20- An Anchor of Hopelessness (TW: Suicide)

If Derek had actually been smart, he would have prepared for the fantasy he had been building with Meredith to come crashing down. He had known he was hiding all the facts from her, had been all too aware that she didn't exactly know what he had been carrying in the suitcase she always talked about. He had also known that he would have to tell her everything at some point, so that she could really understand why he had decided to live this way for the last eighteen years. He should have prepared for that eventuality but he had been dreading it. He had been terrified of seeing the horror and pity in her eyes that he had seen today, and for awhile, he had just wanted to feel normal for once in his new life.

Every day when he woke up, he tried to remember why he lived the way he did. He ran, pushing himself until he could barely breathe, as memories of what exactly he had done assailed him. Coming to Oakbrook Falls had been his last ditch effort to escape the constant reminders of the family he had killed. He built routines to try to get control back from the guilt that sometimes overwhelmed him, he dodged any attempts at matchmaking to honor Alison, and he settled into a life of loneliness to atone for all of the things he had done wrong that night, the worst of which had to be surviving. But he hadn't expected Meredith Grey, and he was pretty sure what had happened today had to be punishment for trying for a sense of normalcy in the last few weeks.

Meredith was beautiful and smart and everything he had ever wanted in a woman twenty years ago, even though she didn't remind of Alison at all. Her independence and strength was so different from his fiancée's dependence on her family and more gentle attitude. But he never wanted to compare them, if only because the person he was now was so vastly different from the Derek Shepherd who had climbed into the back seat of Noah's brand new Ford Explorer. He wasn't even sure Alison would like the man who he had become, but the irony of that was simply that if she had lived, he wouldn't be here now, desperately seeking normalcy with a pregnant unemployed journalist.

It had all been an insane fantasy, the idea that he could keep the suitcase far away from Meredith and Hailey and build a place for them in his life. Besides the fact he never should have wanted it in the first place, it was just crazy to think it was even possible. He had been the sole survivor in an accident that never would have happened if he hadn't told Noah to turn around, if he had just taken Mark up on his offer to the bartender and Derek could pay him back later. His stupidity had led to a whole family dying, wiped off the face if the earth, and there was no way Meredith could ever look past that. She deserved so much more than everything he had stuffed into the biggest suitcase he could find, and her face when he had told her what had happened to the Springer family confirmed that.

But he hadn't expected his parents to come visit unexpectedly, which was his own fault. They worried about him the most every year on the anniversary of Alison's death and he should have known they would come out to see him this year. But he hadn't and they had been the ones to blow his suitcase wide open, to destroy the fantasy he had been enjoying so much. For the first time in twenty years, he had remembered what it felt like to be happy and eager to be with someone, and now it was all over. She had barely been able to get out the normal platitudes after he had told her and no matter what happened next, he wasn't stupid enough to think she would somehow choose to be in his life. It was over, and it barely surprised him how easy it was going to be to just slip back into the world he had lived in before Meredith Grey had slipped in the shower.

After he had told her, after he had seen the horror in her eyes, all he had wanted was to be alone. He had wanted his routines back in the most desperate of ways and he had immediately called Patty to check in on the manger building before he had gone to his office to get all of his paperwork in order. Before Meredith and her unborn daughter, his Saturday routine had been set in stone and he tried to find the same comfort in it now. He had checked lab work, got his files in order, and made a list of patients he wanted to bring back in. Usually, the monotony of the paperwork side of his job lulled him into a kind of mindless peace, but it wasn't happening today. His brain was spinning, picking up the worst memories of his life and spitting them out at random until his hands shook and his chest burned. Everything was fair game to the tornado, from his dad's injury to Meredith's tear-filled eyes and he wasn't sure how he would survive the onslaught today.

Maybe he deserved it. He had lied to Meredith, he hadn't been honest about what he had caused, and now some cosmic force was knocking him back for it. Even worse than the dishonesty, he had desperately tried to be happy for once and that had to be against every rule of atonement in the world. In just a few days, the twentieth anniversary of Alison's death would be here and he had no business trying to be happy or move on. Not a single member of the Springer family had been able to move on from that day, to find normalcy and he couldn't just take that chance. Noah had been newly married and he and his wife had been talking about having children. Melanie had been so young, so full of hope and dreams for which she had never gotten to reach. Ed and Lori had thought they had the rest of their lives with the promise of grandchildren and retirement. And Alison...Alison had dreamed of a life with him that he had happily promised her. He didn't get to dream of happiness when he had stolen it from so many people.

He took a deep shuddering breath and reached into his desk drawer for the bottle of Scotch Dave had left for him. He tried to only drink on the bad days, just like his mentor always had, but today felt like the kind of day that begged for Scotch. He poured some into a glass and took a long sip, his lips pulling into a grimace as it burned the back of his throat. It meant he was still alive, and not numb yet, but he could at least try to fix that. He was tired of thinking, of hearing gunshots and smelling blood and seeing flashing lights, and he didn't know what else to do besides reach for numbness. He poured a little more Scotch into his glass and then paused when he heard the door open from the front of the clinic. "Hello?" He called as he stood slowly, still gripping the glass. He had no idea what time it was but it seemed far too late for anyone to be coming to the clinic without trying to call him first. He gripped his drink tighter and then paused when he heard the all too familiar sound of his dad's wheelchair. "Mom, Dad," he sighed as he walked down the hallway towards them.

He knew his parents were getting older, time, stress, and illness had taken their toll, but tonight he was suddenly struck just by how old they both looked. Both of them were completely gray now, but there were deeper lines in his Mom's face than he had ever remembered and his dad's body was starting to stoop in the chair. They were both bundled against the cold, and he noted the snowflakes that fell from Ma's scarf as she unwound it. "I guess we should have figured you'd be here, bud," Dad stated as he took off his winter hat and let his gray curls shake loose.

"I...what are you guys doing here?" Derek asked before taking another long sip of his Scotch. He wasn't sure if he was angry at his parents for destroying the fantasy or thankful that they had reminded him of what he couldn't have, but he did know the urge to yell too often accompanied the need to be alone.

"I think that's pretty obvious, sweetheart," Ma stated as her eyes fell to his glass. He could see the question flash through her eyes and he shook his head before turning back towards his office. "Derek Christopher, that's not an option this time."

"I'm fine," he called over his shoulder as he walked back to his office. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to talk about Alison or the accident or even Meredith, who was bound to come up after they had seen him kissing her. It didn't matter anyway and he didn't want to talk about it anyway. He just wanted to drink and work on his paperwork until he could go home and try not to think.

"Derek Shepherd, you do not turn your back on your mother," Dad said in a tone Derek hadn't heard in years. He turned slowly to see his dad wheeling quickly down the hall, his blue eyes flashing. "We have given you twenty years, and you're going to stop and give us twenty minutes."

"I need to work," he said softly as an image of his dad from thirty-five years earlier filled his head, blood dripping from his lips as he struggled to speak. "I can't...I can't tonight. Please."

"When have you been able to, sweetheart?" Ma asked softly. "And do you think you ever will be able to?"

"I don't...you don't..." Derek shook his head before walking into his office and falling into his chair. He took a deep breath before pulling strength from his glass and then stared at the people he had once loved more than anything in the world, the people he had always gone to with his problems. "Why? Why did you...how could you...they don't..."

"Breathe, bud," Dad advised. "Take a deep breath."

"I don't need to take a deep breath," Derek growled but he took one anyway. "They don't belong here."

"Who?" Mom whispered.

"They!" Derek gasped. Tears were building in his eyes and his chest was burning as his throat started to fight the sob that was building. "They don't belong here. No one...Oakbrook Falls is where I am. It's...they're back...they're in Manhattan. They're on Long Island."

"The Springers?" Dad frowned. "Buddy, they're dead. They don't...they're not anywhere."

"You brought them here!" Derek insisted. "You couldn't leave well enough alone and you brought them here. They don't...this isn't where they belong, don't you see that?"

"Oh, Derek," Mom breathed as she walked around his desk. Her strong arms immediately wrapped around him and he turned towards her, just like he had in the hospital thirty-five years ago, just like he had twenty years ago, and just like he had eighteen years earlier when she had found him throwing up Dad's pain pills as his head had spun. "Listen to my voice, sweetheart," she whispered now. "Stay right here with me and listen to me. We didn't bring them here. We would never...they're here because they came with you. They're in your desk drawer at home and they're right here." She ran her hand gently over his hair, her fingers tapping at his scalp. "They don't go away just because you move away. Surely you know that by now."

"You don't...you don't understand," Derek whispered.

"Don't understand what?" Dad asked. "Grief? I sure as hell understand that. You don't think I used to spend every day wondering why my number didn't come up instead of my brother's for that shithole of a war? Or that we didn't grieve after the shooting?"

"That's not the same, Dad, and you know it," Derek shook his head as he pulled out of his mom's arms. "It's different and no one here knew what I had done."

"What you...first of all, sweetheart, you didn't do anything," Mom whispered softly. "And what are you talking about no one knew? Dr. Shetland knew."

"What?" Derek frowned as he looked between his parents. "That's...no, he didn't. I never...Dave never asked and I never...he couldn't have known."

"Derek, do you really think that grumpy old man would have hired you without any information?" Dad raised his eyebrows. "When you came asking for a job, he called the hospital to make sure you hadn't been fired for stealing drugs or something. And when they told him there had been some kind of accident and you had left, he reached out to us."

"You...you told him everything?" Derek breathed as he turned to look at the picture of his mentor on the wall.

"We told him it was your story to tell but he was stubborn," Mom smiled. "And we told him about Alison, Noah, and Melanie. We told him about the accident and your injuries. He asked how you were handling it and we...I told him you were having trouble finding your footing again. He thanked us and never said a word about it again."

"But...he never said anything to me," Derek whispered. "He just...he came to me and said I started that Monday and that was going to be it."

"I think Dave understood pain, sweetheart," Mom whispered. "And I think he understood the lengths people go to when they need to avoid pain. He...he was a good man. And I think he did what he could for you."

"I just can't believe he knew," Derek murmured. He looked down at his shaking hands, trying to pinpoint a moment when Dave had acted like he might have known, when he might have looked at Derek like he would have looked at a murderer. But there was nothing and he closed his eyes tightly for a moment. "Why did he...if he knew..."

"Because you didn't do anything, Derek," Dad said firmly. "You forgot your wallet. Noah made a u-turn, thinking the light was about to be red and that taxi driver blew the yellow light. You did not cause that accident."

"You don't get it, Dad," he insisted. "You don't...I should have..."

"Don't you dare say it," Dad said firmly as Mom rubbed Derek's back. "Don't you say that, buddy."

"Sweetheart..." Mom whispered. Her voice sounded choked and Derek thought he saw his dad's face start to crumble. He didn't know how to put this into words for them and really, he didn't want to. He didn't want to talk about the accident with his parents or how he had spent most of the years afterwards wondering why he had survived. They had spent far too many years worrying about their adult son and he had a feeling it had taken its toll on them. Right now, in this moment, it felt like he was killing his parents in slow motion and he didn't think he would survive adding their names to his list.

"Buddy, at some point, and I would hope twenty years is that point, you have to stop hiding from us," Dad sighed heavily. "You ran off and we've...I'm getting damned tired of tiptoeing around my own son only for him to pull further back."

"I'm not pulling back," Derek insisted softly.

"You moved here instead of letting us support you," Mom pointed out. Her hand squeezed his shoulder gently and he found himself fighting the sudden urge to grab it and hold on as tight as he could. "You fought every attempt at getting you help. The priest, the therapist, the doctors...you fought them all, Derek. You took the things they said that could validate the way you were feeling and refused anything else. And then you ran off here and have stayed frozen like some kind of half-finished statue. How is that not pulling away from us?"

"I-I'm sorry," Derek whispered through the tightness in his throat. "I know I'm not...I have been doing better. Things are good here. I'm good here."

"No, bud, you're not good here," Dad shook his head. "You've trapped yourself in your routines...a coping mechanism that was supposed to help short term, by the way. I know because the doctors suggested the same thing to me after the shooting. You can't survive off those routines forever."

"I really...I can't do this," Derek shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry I'm not the son you want me to be—"

"Who the hell said that?" Dad frowned before looking at Mom. "I didn't hear either of us say that, did you, Carolyn?"

"You guys don't get it," he continued as he stood from his office chair. "This isn't wrong place, wrong time like the shooting. This isn't...Noah and Bethany were going to try for a kid. He told us that in the car that night. They wanted...three kids, close together. So not only did my mistake kill a whole family...what about that? What about Bethany?"

"Last I heard, she's remarried and has two little ones and a step daughter she loves," Dad shrugged.

"Oh."

"It's okay to move forward, sweetheart," Mom whispered. "No one is saying to move on, but it's okay to move forward. Alison never would have wanted this life for you. She never would have wanted you to live in this cage you've built for yourself. Noah and Melanie wouldn't have wanted it either."

"I'm not...that's not the point," Derek insisted. "This is...who I am now. And it's working, okay? It's working and you guys don't have to keep expecting me to kill myself. I'm fine."

"You know, bud, for a second today, I thought that might actually be true," Dad nodded slowly. "We came up on you kissing that pretty blonde—"

"Meredith," Derek whispered. He ran a shaking hand over his hair as he felt his heart break in his chest. He hadn't known it would be their last kiss. He had always figures there would be one, but he hadn't known that would be it and he felt like he had been robbed of something he couldn't name.

"Meredith," Dad nodded again. "I saw you kissing her and I thought...well, I thought you had decided to forgive yourself."

"Stop," Derek ordered. "Stop."

"I think we both thought you had finally decided to have the life you deserve," Mom murmured. "At the very least to live again."

"Can you both just please stop?" Derek demanded. "This isn't...I don't know what I was thinking. She's alone. In three months, she'll have a baby girl but she's...I can't do this to them. It was a stupid...I can't do that to her and Hailey."

"Do what?" Mom asked. "Be happy?"

"I really don't want to talk about this anymore," Derek groaned as he reached for his jacket. "I wanted to get some work done and not think...she knows the truth now and it's over so it doesn't matter. None of this matters. So you guys can go back to the city and just leave me alone because the anniversary will go away in a few days and winter break will start and I'll be busy with kids."

"No," Dad stated as he rolled to block the door.

"No?" Derek frowned.

"No," Dad repeated. He was sitting up straighter in his chair now, his brow creased as he stared at Derek. "Your ma talked me into giving you space and time but it's been twenty years and I'm an old man. I'm not going to spend my remaining years on Earth waiting for my son to be my son on his terms."

"Dad—"

"No, you're going to listen and you're going to listen good," Dad stated. "Your ma and I love you, Derek, we have loved you since the day we found out about you. Before you ever drew a breath or kicked at my palm, we have loved you. And maybe we've done some wrong in our lives. Maybe we should have gotten you more help after the shooting, maybe that would have taught you how to deal with trauma. But we have loved you and supported you."

"I know that, Dad," Derek murmured.

"I'm not done," Dad glared at him, his eyes dark and sad. "Now I don't think you can possibly understand what it is like to watch your kid lose everything in the blink of an eye. You think we don't understand pain? Do you know what it's like to come off a sixteen hour shift just to find out that your son has taken a bottle of pills because he doesn't want to live anymore?"

"Mike..." Mom's eyes widened.

"No, Carolyn, he needs to hear this because apparently the only person who has ever felt pain is Derek Shepherd," Dad insisted before turning back to Derek. "Do you know what it is like to watch your child give up, Derek? Do you know what it's like to watch the baby you once cradled in your two shaking hands and plan a life for just decide he doesn't want to live anymore? Because you survived taking my pills, Derek, but you still decided not to live that night."

"That...that's not true," Derek whispered as guilt flooded his body in a painful wave.

"Baloney," Mom sighed heavily. "That's baloney, Derek, and you know it. We...oh, sweetheart, I am so proud of you for the work you do here. Dave told us what being a small town doctor means. He told us that a small town doctor has to give his life for his patients and the town and never regret doing it. But you have used the town to hide and to avoid living."

"You know what happens to muscle when you don't exercise it, Derek?" Dad asked.

"They atrophy," he murmured.

"They atrophy," Dad agreed. "And that's all you've been doing here. Atrophying. And we have watched it, trying not to say anything because we wanted to believe things would get better. And all the while, we've been terrified to get a call that the atrophy had become too advanced and you really had given up again. But we can't say that to you. We can't say one damn word to you because only you get to decide how to heal, according to Kathy anyway."

"I'm not going to...I'm sorry I scared you guys like that," Derek whispered.

"That's not the point, dear," Mom whispered. "That's not...the life you have missed out on—the life you gave up on—could have been something so incredibly beautiful. And I refuse to believe it can't still be something wonderful."

"I don't..." he swallowed heavily as he took a deep breath. "I almost wanted it again."

"With Meredith?" She asked quietly.

"She makes me feel real," he explained, staring down at his hands. "She makes me...for a few weeks, I wanted her to have a space in my life. I wanted her daughter to have a space in my life. I painted the nursery, I built her crib, and all I could think was that I wanted it. And I wanted to be the man Meredith deserves. I wanted to...I wanted to love them."

"Why the past tense?" Dad frowned.

"Because she deserves more," he looked up at his parents as his shoulders shook. "Because Hailey's biological dad hurt Meredith and all but destroyed her life and I don't want to repeat it. She and Hailey are innocent, they don't...I can't add another two names to the list of sins i have to atone for."

"Derek..." Mom breathed.

"I lied to her, Mom," he shook his head. "I told her about Alison but that was all I told her. I didn't tell her about the rest of the family and when she...you told her and she asked and I saw the look in her eyes. She doesn't want to bring a murderer into her daughter's life."

"You were angry, Derek," she took a small step towards him. "And speaking from some experience, when you get angry or overwhelmed, you can be a little scary. And I'm sure there was a lot to process."

"I can't do it," he insisted as his body shook in an overdue release of the emotions coursing through his body. It was a noise he had never heard before, an animalistic sob that he couldn't rein back in, "I don't deserve—I can't. I can't..."

"Stop punishing yourself, sweetheart," Mom murmured before pulling him into a tight hug. It was like she was trying to hold him together, like her strong arms could keep him from crumbling into a hundred pieces that wouldn't be able to be glued back together. "It's time to stop."

"There's nothing wrong with living again, Derek," Dad squeezed his arm. "Pain might not always go away, but it can change. It can improve and change until it's manageable. You just have to stop trying to make it as intense as it was on day one. All it's doing is making you atrophy."

"She deserves better than this," he gasped.

"Why don't you talk to her first about that?" Mom suggested. "But, Derek, every day has to be a conscious choice for you to keep moving. Grief and pain...they have robbed you of so much. But if you want to love her, if you want to love her baby, then you need to atoning for a sin that was never yours to begin with."

"I don't know how to do that," he admitted. "I don't...it's not that simple, Ma."

"And it never will be," she murmured as she kissed his cheek. "But wanting to love someone is a step. Now just keep walking. Even if you stumble, open yourself up to the steps."

"Just decide to live, buddy," Dad advised. "Even if you'll always be right here in Oakbrook Falls, just decide to live."

"Yeah...yeah," Derek breathed as he wiped his sleeve across his eyes.

"We love you, sweetheart," Mom murmured. "And while I have a million questions about your Meredith, I can save them for later. Right now, Dad and I are going to go back to the bed and breakfast and enjoy some hot cocoa and the snow before bed."

"Okay," Derek sucking in a shaky breath. "I...Chris's tomorrow morning at eight?"

"I will never turn down that old man's coffee," Dad laughed softly. "You okay, bud?"

"Yeah, Dad," He nodded. "I love you guys."

"We know," Dad smiled. "Get some rest. Wait to do the thinking until the sun is up. Thinking is easier when the sun is up."

"Okay," Derek agreed as he watched his parents leave his office. He planted his feet against the floor as he sucked a deep breath in and then expelled it slowly. His brain was swirling even more now and he wasn't sure how to feel. Guilt, anger, and a deep sadness he couldn't put into words seemed to take turns coursing through him and all he wanted was to breathe. He wanted to believe that the Springers wouldn't expect him to atone. He wanted his parents to gain back the twenty years they had wasted waiting for him to get better. He wanted to believe that there was some way in the hell of his life that Meredith could possibly still want the space in his life.

And it was that thought that brought back the tiny, fledgling feeling he had had whenever he was around Meredith. He hadn't been able to name it and it had been years since he had felt it but it seemed to be growing, stretching its wings with every breath he took. Hope. It was hope that pushed back at all of the other feelings that had fueled him for twenty years. It was probably stupid and probably wouldn't lead to anything but he had to...he just wanted to know that it was possible. It was so new and so different, but he wanted to feel it. He wanted to feel his chest opening up with the thought of being with Meredith, even if it went against everything else he had believed for twenty years.

He reached for his jacket and then paused in front of the picture of Dave Shetland. In it, he was smiling, a wry, crooked smile that had usually prefaced a moment of wisdom. Never once had he thought his mentor had known about the reason behind his desperate search for something new or his overblown need for control. Dave had never asked questions and he had never pushed Derek past his comfort zones. But there was a smart living within the hope, the thought that Dave had done his best to rebuild a broken twenty-seven year old man, until he could stand on his own two feel again. "You're a real bastard, you know that?" He said softly to the picture before sucking in another breath and turning off his office light, still clutching the tiny flutter of hope that beat against his chest.

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more

And walk out that door

Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns

'Cause we all have thorns


	21. The Beginning of Understanding

**Chapter 21- The Beginning of Understanding**

It had been a while since Meredith had felt like wasn't actually in her life. When she had first found out about Hailey, she had definitely had the experience of feeling like she was watching herself in a movie, completely unable to control any outcomes. But since she had come to Oakbrook Falls and gotten to really know the tiny baby inside her, she had felt like she could actually live this life. At least, she had thought that until today. She had thought until she had seen the pain written all over Derek's face as the details of the worst day of his life had come pouring out in the kind of rage that could only come when someone felt cornered. That kind of pain could only break a person, and in that moment, Meredith had realized just how much Derek had probably been fighting that breakdown.

But the feeling she was watching herself in a movie hadn't hit until she had been home and standing in her daughter's nursery, unpacking the baby supplies that had been waiting on her front stoop. At first, she had just wanted to cry. She wanted to cry for Alison and her whole family, for the whole senseless tragedy of it all. She wanted to cry for Derek, who hated himself for surviving a horrible accident, and used it as the materials of the massive suitcase he carried with him. It was just so horribly sad and for the first time since she had met Derek, she had understood why he was so broken, why he needed his routines and the control he craved. But as she had been unpacking the impossibly small nail clippers and putting them into the tiny pink basket she had ordered, she had gotten that fuzzy feeling and had suddenly felt like she was just watching herself.

In the movie of her life, she was twenty-nine weeks pregnant, her belly getting bigger every day as her back curved to support the weight of her uterus and daughter. She was preparing for her life as a single mom in a small town after running away from the city and the job she had always wanted. And worst of all, she was falling hard for a man who was so damaged he could barely hide it. Less than twelve hours earlier, she had been marveling at how good he was, at how much she actually wanted him in her life and how much he wanted to be apart of it. He seemed to really like her and Hailey, which was more than she could have ever hoped for after getting pregnant with her boss's baby. Derek had made it easy to feel like everything would be okay, that they could get through the changes rushing through their lives together.

But in reality, he was still hurting, still desperately clutching to a twenty-year old tragedy. She had known that, to an extent, but the way he had yelled at her earlier showed a kind of dedication to that pain she didn't understand. She wasn't a stranger to tragedy, not by a long shot, but she didn't know if she could understand the power of Derek's grief. Twenty years ago, he had asked Alison to marry him and then had lost her just a couple weeks later in a violent accident that no one could have predicted. It was clear Derek blamed himself for everything that happened, and even clearer that he wasn't going to stop blaming himself any time soon. The man she had been falling hard for was damaged in ways she couldn't understand and she didn't know what her next step was supposed to be.

He was her doctor, first of all, but it went beyond that. She felt good around him and she was smart enough to to know it wasn't the hormones that made her always want to be around him. But he was hurting and no matter how often he had sworn she wanted her and Hailey to have spots in his life, he hadn't actually done anything to unpack the pain and guilt he felt every day. She didn't think Derek would ever be violent, but she also wasn't able sure he would ever be able to be the kind of partner and dad they needed. She wanted Hailey to be happy and to have a really amazing childhood, which meant she didn't ever want Hailey to feel like she wasn't loved. Derek's pain didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't capable of loving Hailey, and she knew that, but it also didn't mean that he was capable of giving himself to relationships of any kind, at least not when he was still in so much pain.

A good person would probably stand by him. A good person would forget the secrets and the breakdown and do their best to stand by him, to help him through his grief. But most good people weren't seven months pregnant and were probably more used to the whole dating thing. She wasn't even sure what exactly would be there for them on the other side. Derek didn't just have grief, he was obviously dealing with some kind of complex PTSD that had spent twenty years burying him. And if she was being honest with herself, a part of her was scared shitless that Derek would still be madly in love with his dead fiancée once they unpacked his suitcase.

That thought definitely made her fall into the not good person. Twelve hours ago she had been content with sharing Derek with Alison. She knew love didn't just stop when someone died and she figured she could live with him loving two people at once, if he ever fell in love with her. But Derek's suitcase was so massive that she really wondered if the unpacked parts would leave enough space for her. It was complicated and big and she still felt like she was watching this all happen instead of living it. But her daughter was doing some pretty intense kicking tonight and she couldn't help but come back into herself to deal with the far too insistent nudges and kicks that just wouldn't stop.

She had tried macaroni and cheese, she had tried playing the Baby Mozart Lexie had sent, and she had even tried walking around her house all to calm her unborn baby but Hailey wasn't having any of it and Meredith's back was starting to ache. She was feeling huge and sore and she had realized earlier that she couldn't see her feet if she tried. It probably meant she was waddling too and none of it helped with the way her brain was swirling. Hailey was going to be here in a couple of months and she was still freaking out about a boy who had made her believe everything would be okay. It all seemed so stupid and she winced as Hailey's foot came in direct contact with her ribs. "Okay, you really need to calm down or I am grounding you literally the second you get out of there," Meredith said firmly as she pressed back at her daughter's kicks and moved towards her couch.

Her laptop was open to Google because she had been fighting every journalistic urge in her to try to find more information about the accident. There was no way articles hadn't been written about the horrific tragedy of a family losing all three of their kids in one night, and she did want to know more. She wanted to know about who had been driving, who the other driver had been, and how it had been so bad that Noah had been so brutally killed while Derek had somehow escaped. But it felt like snooping and probably a little wrong so she wasn't sure what she was going to do. She pulled a pillow onto her lap and grabbed her laptop, her brain doing weird twists and turns as she started to type in Derek's name. She was about to type the date when Hailey delivered another swift kick that took her breathe away. "Hey!" She gasped as her hand flew to the spot that was bulging against the fabric of her t-shirt. "Seriously, what is your deal tonight?"

She had read on her app that Hailey was starting to run out of room and there would be less flipping now but these painful punches just weren't going to work for her. She didn't even know why her daughter was picking tonight but she moved the pillow to the side and stared down at her belly as Hailey continued punching and kicking. For a minute she wondered if Hailey knew about what had happened with Derek, if she had heard it all and now as pissed but that just seemed a little too far fetched. "Just...calm down, baby girl," she whispered, rubbing her belly in gentle circles. It seemed to work for a second but then her doorbell rang and Hailey punched roughly as Meredith groaned.

"Coming!" She called as she scooted forward to the edge of the couch and forced herself to her feet. It was too late and snowy for it to be Lexie or Hillary so that probably meant it could only be one person. She took a deep breath and opened her door slowly.

"Hey," Derek whispered. His cheeks were almost as red as his eyes and his hair was covered in the heavy snow that was falling. His entire body just looked exhausted, like he was fighting the urge to fall over, and Meredith swallowed heavily as her fingers itched to smooth the furrow in his brow.

"Hi," she whispered back.

"I..." he took a deep breath and kicked at the snow on her step. "Can I..." he shook his head and then met her eyes. "Is an apology...I am so sorry, Mer."

"Derek," she started as Hailey stretched lazily inside her.

"No," he shook his head. "The way I acted earlier...there's no excuse for it. Leaving you with my parents...yelling at you...there is no excuse for it and I am sorry. I just...I'm so sorry."

"I know you are," she nodded. She wrapped her hands over her belly and leaned against the door. "I even understand why...but it doesn't make it okay."

"No, it doesn't," he agreed softly. "Nothing about what happened today is okay and I never wanted it to happen. I'm not going to stand here and tell you...I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that every time I come over here, I'm a mess and possibly using you to feel better. You and Hailey deserve more than that."

"Hmmm..." she agreed. "Why are you here now?"

"I...I want to tell you everything," he whispered. "I want you to know everything. And not because my parents are here or because...I want you to know because you deserve to know. And because I should probably finally talk about it."

"Why me?" Meredith asked as one of her hands moved to the door.

"I...can we talk first?" He asked as his eyes softened. "Just let me...please, Meredith."

"Okay," Meredith nodded as she stepped aside to let him in. He stomped the snow off his boots and then took off his winter coat as she closed her door. She didn't know what had made him come over tonight, or what he was about to say. He didn't seem drunk, just sad, and she just had to listen. He hadn't talked about the accident in twenty years, and she couldn't imagine it would be easy for him. She just wished she didn't have already have a lump in her throat as she followed him to her living room.

"I...I found out today that Dave knew everything," he whispered as she sat against her nest of pillows on her couch. "He knew everything from the beginning and he never said a word to me. I can't...why do you think he did that?"

"I didn't know him, Derek," she reminded him. "And I don't know what he knew."

"Right," he took a deep breath as he paced in front of her fireplace, one of his hands moving through his dark curls. "I...the night of the anniversary party, I called Alison to let her know I was going to be running a little late. I told her...a surgery had come up and it was going to take a little longer than I had expected. I had my clothes with me so we agreed I would meet her there. She said she was going to call Noah and Melanie to drive her so that we could drive back together after the party."

"Okay," Meredith murmured, rubbing her stomach slowly as Hailey stretched.

"Noah was picking up Melanie at Columbia," he explained. "His wife...Bethany, she was out of town visiting her mom who...I think she had fallen? Anyway, Noah was picking up Melanie and readily agreed to pick up Alison. It was the perfect plan but...my patient coded on the table before we did much more than take off the skull cap. I called Alison to let her know—she was just about to leave with Noah and Melanie—and they agreed it would be fun to pick me up and we could drive out to Long Island together. I got dressed at work and met them downstairs." Derek took a deep breath and ran a shaking hand over his face as his breath quickened slightly.

"Noah had just bought a brand new Ford Explorer. I asked him why such a big car and he smirked that if he was going to have a soccer team, then he was going to be damned if his team rode around in a minivan. He and Bethany had agreed to start trying for a baby." His voice broke and Meredith wrapped her arms over her own baby growing inside of her. "And then there was Melanie...she was a sweet girl with a rebellious streak. She was wearing this short black dress and Alison kept teasing her that she was going to make her move on Mark. Noah threatened to turn the car around and lock Melanie in her dorm room. It was...god, we were all laughing."

"Noah was driving?" Meredith asked.

"Oh...yeah," Derek nodded slowly. "Noah was driving, Melanie was in the front seat next to him, and Alison and I were in the back."

"I...okay," she whispered because she needed to hear the whole story before she gave into her journalistic instincts and asked a million questions.

"I had just gotten a cell phone a few months earlier...one of the old Nokias," he smiled wryly even as his chest started to rise and fall a little faster. "It rang and...Mark was asking about the bartender, if I had paid him in advance. I realized then that I had probably forgotten my wallet in my locker at work. Both Noah and Mark offered to cover it for the night but...I don't even know why I decided I needed my wallet so badly. I don't remember much after that phone call."

"Derek, come sit," she whispered, watching as his whole body began to shake.

"I found out later...Noah tried to do a u-turn," he bit out. "The light was yellow and he figured it was his last chance before we sat at the light for a million years. But a taxi driver had the same idea and came rushing from the opposite direction...they said he was going seventy miles per hour. He hit us and the car...god, for such a big car you wouldn't think it would flip but it did. It flipped and flipped through some construction. I don't...I was knocked out, but woke up as they were using the jaws of life on the car. It was so loud and there were sirens everywhere. The whole inside of the car was blood and flashing lights. And some kind of equipment that had come through the windshield."

"Derek, seriously, come sit," she whispered as she scooted forward to try to stand. Instead, Derek stared past her, at some spot on the wall as his body tightened and his breath came in sharp gasps.

"Alison...I looked at her first," he said in an eerie voice that sent chills up and down Meredith's spine. "She was wearing a dark green dress but there was so much blood...it was black. She wasn't...she wasn't conscious and she was...her breathing was so shallow, I tried to reach her but I couldn't move. I tried but the door and Noah's seat..." His gaze was unfocused now and even if she wanted to, Meredith couldn't move to try to pull him out of that moment twenty years ago. "Melanie...her head was at a weird angle but I couldn't...there was so much blood. There was...and I couldn't...I couldn't see Noah. I just saw the equipment and then his...I saw his arm, his shoulders, slumped to the side but he didn't have...the paramedics told the doctors later that my screams were what alerted them to the fact I was alive and mostly alert. They got me out first and then Melanie...and then Alison. Melanie died in the ambulance and Alison...she was brain dead. She was technically...but her parents..." He swallowed heavily as tears began to slip down his cheeks.

"I passed out again in the ambulance and when I woke up, my parents were sitting by my hospital bed," he whispered. "They had operated to repair a bleed and my leg...some ribs...but I was awake and alive and I didn't even...my mom wouldn't look me in the eye and my dad...he just grabbed my hand and told me in this voice...Noah and Melanie were dead and Alison was on life support. Her parents wanted a miracle." He shook his head slowly, the faraway look in his eyes breaking for a moment as he wiped his cheek. "I was in a wheelchair a couple days later and I asked if I could see her. My mom took me up to her room and Ed...Ed started yelling at me that it wasn't fair. He...he had lost everything and my parents somehow...he didn't think it was right that I had lived."

"Derek," Meredith whispered around the lump in her throat was growing with every second.

"He forbid me to come anywhere near her," he breathed as his shoulders shook. "My own...I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. She was...I loved her and I would have done anything to trade places with her. And I just...I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I loved her and that I would always...they wouldn't let me come in. They sent me home after nine days. I had to do a little bit of physical therapy and my family tried to distract me...but I was just waiting for the news that she was gone."

"And she died on December ninth," she breathed. Her vision was starting to blur with tears and she was suddenly understanding how this pain could trap him.

"Hmmm..." he nodded. "Her funeral...December twelfth. Ed called the house and said he would have me arrested for stalking if I came to the funeral. So my dad took me to the graveyard and let me watch from...her casket was light green and she was buried next to her brother and sister." He turned slowly and leaned forward, his hands gripping the mantle as he struggled to breathe. "I...spiraled. Three people were dead and I was still alive and...I couldn't sleep at night. Every night I would close my eyes and relive it all. And then the flashbacks started. They were like vivid nightmares but they happened when I was awake. I had panic attacks and thought...god, I wanted to hear her voice so bad."

"PTSD," she offered so quietly that she wasn't sure if he even heard her. Lexie had told her Derek had had some kind of a breakdown but right now, she was actually pretty sure a huge part of him had died that night in November.

"I...time started to go too slow and too fast," he whispered. "I dropped out of the internship program I had worked so hard to get into because I just couldn't...every day felt worse than the day before. I moved back in with my parents but every time I went into their backyard, I imagined how it was supposed to look that night and the flashbacks...it still happens sometimes. And then...it was eleven months and twenty eight days later my dad found out Ed had died. He was visiting...he was at the cemetery and just...died."

"Broken heart syndrome," she repeated what he had yelled at her earlier.

"It kept getting worse after that," Derek turned towards her, his eyes dark. "I wasn't sleeping, I barely ate, and my mom would practically drag me to the tub. I just...they were all dead because I forgot my wallet. A whole family...and I was alive. I was alive and all I wanted to be was dead." He took a deep breath before nodding. "I...I don't think suicide ever actually occurred to me until...I was standing in my parents' kitchen. My dad's injuries...he always has heavy duty pain medication on hand. And I was just standing there...my dad had gone out with my little sister and my mom was at work and I just had this thought. I just thought that I didn't want to live anymore, that I was so fucking tired. I was tired of the nightmares and the flashbacks. I was tired of hurting everyone in my life. And I took the pills. Just like that."

It had been months since Meredith had had morning sickness but the rise of her stomach now was similar to that. She tried to swallow it but it was trapped between the pain of Derek's words and the pure shock. She wasn't a stranger to suicide attempts, her mom's own attempt had led to her dad getting full custody of her, but this felt harder somehow. She couldn't talk, couldn't even think of what to say, but she was suddenly aware of the tears that were pouring down her cheeks. "My mom came home from work and found me in a puddle of my own vomit," Derek whispered. "The doctors told her if she had been ten minutes late, I would have died. But instead...god, I was alive and there was a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD. And there was a priest who talked to me about forgiving myself and leaving my pain to God and it...it was too much. It was too fucking much."

He walked slowly towards her, his body bent under the weight of a suitcase she couldn't see. "I told my parents I needed a day to hike and I drove up here. I drove up here, got a coffee at Chris's, and saw a posting for a doctor at the local clinic. And I realized that if I had to be alive, I just...I wanted to be alive somewhere else where they never were. I called my parents the day after Dave offered me the job and that...that was it."

"That...that was it," she echoed softly as she wiped her eyes. "Except...god, Derek, you...you didn't date or tell anyone or...why me? Why now?"

"Oh," he breathed as he sat down slowly in the couch next to her. "For eighteen years, I lived here and I became a well-loved doctor. My life became my patients and I was able...I could put them in the drawer. The therapist in New York had encouraged me to come up with routines to gain back control of my life, so I planned every day of my life. And it worked. Maybe not that well, but I didn't want to die anymore. I thought I was better, that I wasn't drowning anymore. And then I shook your hand."

"And?" She asked, jumping slightly as his fingers brushed along her wet cheeks.

"And...it was like coming up for fresh air," he whispered. "Like I was drowning and you saved me."

"That's not what you said earlier," she pointed out as she felt herself lean into his touch.

"I know," he agreed. "But you...I don't get it, Meredith. None of this makes sense to me and I have fought...I have never thought I deserved to be happy again. I thought...god, I murdered five people and all I've been trying to do is atone for it. But then you came and you make me think...you and Hailey make me think that maybe I can have this. You make me want to try again, to have something more than what I've had for twenty years. You make me feel...it's hope. You make me hopeful again. And it scares the hell out of me how badly I want to feel hat again."

"Oh..." Meredith breathed, rubbing her stomach as she turned towards him. Her heart was racing and Hailey was kicking and she needed a direction for her swirling brain. "You didn't kill five people, Derek. It was...what happened to the taxi driver?"

"I...he was convicted of reckless driving and vehicular manslaughter," Derek whispered.

"Okay, so the courts decided it was him. He killed them."

"But if I hadn't forgotten my wallet—"

"Then maybe it would have happened another way or another time," she whispered. "You...you forgot your wallet and there was an awful accident. And Alison's dad was hurting and he lashed out. Just like you lashed out today. You...I don't know why you survived but you can't...God, Derek, it wasn't your fault."

"Do you really believe that?" He asked softly as his fingers trailed along her jaw.

"I do," she shrugged. "You should too."

"I don't...my parents said that too," he breathed.

"Can I..." Meredith shook her head as Derek's fingers brushed her arm. "Are you still suicidal?"

"God, no," he denied quickly. "But that was what my mom was talking about today. They..,they still worry I'll get to that point. But at this point, I have always figured I deserve this. Killing myself would just make me guilty of hurting more people."

"Okay," she whispered as she wrapped her arms over her stomach. "Why...why did you come to tell me tonight?"

"I...because this is the only way I can think of to give you and Hailey spots, if you still want them," he murmured and then spread his hands. "The suitcase is open. There's nothing else there."

"It's open but it's not unpacked," she pointed out. Her fingers trailed along her belly, tracing the outline of her wiggly baby girl. "I know you'll never stop loving her and I am not that much of an asshole to ask that. She was going to be your wife and the mother of your children and I...I just need to know that if we start to unpack this all, there will be space for me and Hailey. I need to know that your guilt won't crowd us into a small corner. Hailey...Hailey deserves love, Derek. She deserves unconditional love."

"So does her mommy," he pointed out as he reached out tentatively to her stomach. "I don't know what this will be like. I haven't thought that far ahead but I want it. I want...god, this is going to sound too soon but I want to love you and Hailey. I want that more than I want to atone for that night...and that has never happened before."

"Oh," Meredith breathed as her cheeks heated. "Oh."

"That's why I came here tonight," he murmured. His hand gently slipped under her shirt and she shivered as he traced along Hailey's head, which was pushing at her left side. "I know I'm damaged. And I know I hurt you earlier. I wish...I don't know what I wish. But I want to give you the choice, Mer. Either you unpack the suitcase with me or you don't. Either way, I will help you with Hailey. I want to be in your life, but I want you to decide what's best for you right now. I know this...I'm not exactly a catch and you have more to worry about but...god, I want to love you. Both of you."

"You...you're not drunk right now, right?" She whispered.

"No," he laughed shakily. "I just need to start taking steps. I need to stop atrophying."

"Okay," she whispered, staring down at his hand on her stomach as she tried to breathe. It was a lot to process, almost too much, and she wasn't sure what the right answer was. He was broken, beyond broken, and she was about to have a baby who would need all of her attention. But there was also that voice in her head that was telling her she wanted to love him too. "I...can I..."

"Take your time?" He asked and then nodded. "All the time you need, Mer. This...I wanted you to see the suitcase. I made you a promise and I broke it but...I'm here now. And you know everything. So take your time. I can wait."

"Okay," Meredith repeated as Hailey head butted Derek, who smiled slightly before he pulled back from her. It was so easy to imagine this life with him, but even easier to remember the pain in his eyes just minutes before as he had opened his suitcase for her.

"I'm going to go," he whispered as he stood. "I'm meeting my parents for breakfast at eight tomorrow at Chris's and I want to...I should try to sleep. And you...take your time, Mer."

"I know," she looked up at him. "Derek?"

"Yeah."

"I think Dave didn't tell you he knew because he wanted you to find something to live for," she offered quietly. "He wanted to give you a new life. And he did. I think...maybe he loved you. Not despite of the accident, but because of who it made you. That's the person he wanted to help."

"I...yeah," Derek nodded slowly as he reached for his jacket. "Maybe."

"Maybe," she echoed. "Can I call you if I have any questions?"

"Please," he breathed. He ran his fingers through his hair and then looked down at her, his eyes soft and sparkling. "Just try to get some rest, okay?"

"That's getting harder and harder these days, but okay," she agreed.

"Good night, Meredith," Derek whispered before turning and walking out of her living room. It all just felt like too much, like the suitcase was opening and filling the room. It was more tragic than she ever could have imagined, but also vaguely hopeful. She couldn't begin to imagine the pain he had been through or how he had been robbed of any kind of closure. But he had come to her. He had braved a snowstorm to come and open the suitcase hours after stubbornly keeping it closed. It had to mean something.

She should probably be focusing on her last couple months of pregnancy and getting ready for Hailey instead of helping him unpack the tragedy that had changed him twenty years earlier. But he wasn't asking to be emotionally babysat, she wasn't even sure if he wanted it. He just wanted her. He wanted her and he wanted Hailey and that seemed...huge. It seemed like something bigger than a huge suitcase filled with trauma. And while she needed time to think, to decide what would be best for her and her daughter, she couldn't ignore the flutter in her heart that told her both she and Hailey desperately wanted him, too,

_And right before your eyes_

_I'm aching_

_Run fast, nowhere to hide_

_Just you and me_


	22. The Heart Reveals Answers

**Chapter 22- The Heart Reveals Answers**

It hadn't been an easy night of sleep. If Derek had actually thought that opening his suitcase to Meredith would make his sleep come easier, then the night before would have proven him absolutely wrong. He had tossed and turned until well after two and then had been woken up at five from a nightmare he didn't understand. After that, he had just decided it was better to just get his day started before meeting his parents for breakfast. It had just made more sense to go running than to try to sleep or worse, to stare at his ceiling and try to parse through his nightmare. Of course, it only made sense that his brain had decided to combine a hard run through half a foot of snow with an obsession with the dream.

It had been the usual nightmare he always had this time of year, with loud smashing of glass and the smell of gas and blood, but when he had turned to see his blood covered fiancée, she had somehow morphed into Meredith. It had shaken him immediately and he had woken up, gasping for air as he had thrashed against his confining blankets. It didn't make any sense, it was actually inconceivable why his brain would play that kind of trick on him. Alison had been the woman he was going to marry, the woman he had loved more than he had ever been able to put into words. The last month had been about the twentieth anniversary of her death, of losing a future he had asked her for in front of her friends twenty years earlier. The guilt of losing her had nearly killed him, and he wasn't sure why his brain would focus on anyone else.

He wasn't sure about a lot of things right now. He wasn't sure why Meredith had come into his life now, or why he was so worried about what she would eventually decide to do when it came to their fledgling relationship. He needed to be focusing on his grief, on Alison, but instead he couldn't stop replaying their conversation in his head. He desperately wanted to be apart of her life, of Hailey's life, and he wanted to see if he could maybe love again. It was all so contrary to how he had spent so much of the last twenty years and he wished he could figure out why it was happening now or why Meredith inspired it in him. It barely made any sense that a petite pregnant journalist would be the one to turn his life around, but here he was.

It was rare, but sometimes he had let himself wonder what he would have been like as a father. Both he and Alison had wanted kids once he was done with his residency, and it had always felt like the right punishment that he was never going to be a dad but...he really had no right to think that he would ever be Hailey's father but he did feel like he could be something to her. He wanted to be something to her and something to Meredith and it made him run even harder against the packed snow, his breath coming in sharp gasps. The life he was starting to want went against everything in the suitcase he had carried for so many years, but it was open now, Meredith had seen inside it, and he figured that meant he had to start sifting through it.

It was just easier to not do it right now. He had opened it for Meredith, not for anyone else, and he had no idea how to start doing the work without her. She needed her time to think and he was going to respect that, especially since he wasn't exactly going to he in the best of headspaces for the next few days. No matter how long it took Meredith to decide what she wanted to do, he knew that he would be struggling just like he always did. His parents would talk to him and he would do his best to open the suitcase for them too, but he knew he couldn't just make this week easy.

His legs were burning as he ran into his house and his cheeks stung from the cold winter air, but at least he was on his way to some kind of routine today. Things had just been feeling too big lately and if he could just find some kind of control again, he might be okay. He realized that to some people, these routines seemed like too much, but they had served him for a long time, and even if the suitcase was open, he didn't see why he needed to give up something so small that gave him so much comfort. He took a deep breath and slipped off his sweatshirt, fully intent on taking a shower and then enjoying a cup of coffee and a book before meeting his parents for breakfast. "What kind of person runs in the snow?"

Derek turned quickly at the familiar voice, his breath catching when he saw Meredith sitting on his couch. Her legs were crossed as she turned to look at him and he let his gaze move along her slowly. She was in yoga pants, with a deep red hoodie that zipped over her belly and snow boots on her feet. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, stands of her blonde hair falling into her face and somehow accentuating the dark circles under her eyes. "I..." He opened his mouth as he turned to look at his door and then back at her. "How?"

"Your door was unlocked," she pointed out.

"I...okay, but it's six thirty in the morning," Derek sighed as he walked towards her. "Why aren't you in bed underneath a pile of blankets?"

"I..." Meredith took a deep breath as she ran her hand over her belly. "What were you like before?"

"What?" Derek frowned. His brain was obviously trying to catch up to the fact that she was here instead of at home where he had left her the night before, and he wasn't sure what exactly was happening here. She had wanted time and he had been more than willing to give it to her.

"Before the accident...before Alison died, what were you like?" She asked.

"Why?"

"I just want to know," she sighed heavily. "I don't know why but you...I mean, is the sweet, nice guy part of who you were before or is it who you are now? Do you recognize yourself? Are you more like the guy who yells at his parents on the street or the guy who seems to genuinely care about some other guy's daughter?"

"Mer, I'm really not sure what you're asking," he frowned, running his fingers through his hair as he walked towards her. She shifted slightly on the couch and he paused before perching on the arm of the couch. "I'm not...I can be both of those guys and when it comes to my parents...sometimes they remind me of everything I've been through and I get angry. But it doesn't mean I'm not the person you see. Or the person the town sees."

"The whole town loves you," she pointed out.

"I know they do," Derek smiled slightly. "As for whether or not I recognize myself...this is who I am now. It's been twenty years since I was anyone else and that...I don't know who that person was. I was young and ambitious and I loved my fiancée but...I haven't been that person in so long. I do genuinely love this town, I love my patients, and I'm not sure which part of my life was better. Before you literally fell into my life, I never thought about the difference."

"That can't be true," she insisted. "You never once thought about how much happier you were then? About the things you wanted then that you don't want now?"

"Oh," He whispered and then took a deep breath. His chest was starting to tighten but he knew this was part of the unpacking Meredith wanted him to do. He didn't know how to describe it to her, the shift in his thinking as the years had gone on, but he owed it to her to try. "For the first few years, all I did was wonder what if. What if I hadn't forgotten my wallet? What if I had driven myself? What if my patient hadn't died? I just...I can't...it hurts. Thinking of all of that hurts. So I built my suitcase. I did everything I could to not think about the what ifs or think about what I had wanted because it just hurt."

"So you carried them instead," she whispered as she looked down at her belly. "You carried them and they were there but not there."

"Not in the forefront," he agreed. "If you want to know who I was before...I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. I was going to cure spinal cord injuries so that my dad could dance at my youngest sister's wedding. There wasn't a surgery I turned down or a shift I didn't stay later. I was close with my family and I loved being an uncle, I still do, really."

"And with Alison?"

"I.." he shook his head as he looked at her. "Can I..." He moved his hand towards hers slowly as the need to touch her overwhelmed him. Her fingers immediately relaxed, opening her palm, and he entwined their fingers. "Meredith, I can't...you're not Alison's replacement. I never wanted...she was supposed to be my wife. She's not my ex. She died my fiancée and she'll always be my fiancée."

"I know," she breathed. She squeezed his fingers and turned to look at him, her eyes dark. "I just...I'm not asking to replace her. I would never...I just need to know that there really is room for both of us. I need to know that...god I don't know what I need to know. I don't even know why I'm here. I was just..."

"Take a deep breath for a second," he whispered as he shifted on the couch to face her. "You haven't slept and this is a lot to process. Just take a deep breath."

"Can I tell you what's crazy?" Meredith continued, her eyes wide and her free hand flailing. "I am seven months pregnant. I'm about to have a baby, an actual baby, and I shouldn't be worrying about a boy right now. I should not be staying up all night processing—"

"No you shouldn't be," he agreed softly, reaching for her flailing hand. "I know it's a lot , Meredith. I'm not...you don't have to be with me. What happened that night is...I don't deserve to have you worrying about me. You and Hailey deserve more."

"Okay, no, you can't keep saying crap like that," she snapped. "Do you hear me? If we're going to do this, if I'm going to have a spot in your life, you do not get to talk like that. I know what I deserve and if I decide that it's you, then it's you. End of story. And you should think about what you actually deserve because, Derek, you didn't kill anyone. No matter what you think, that was not your fault. It was an accident and you survived and I get that sucks, but you did not kill anyone. So stop acting like you deserve the death penalty."

"Meredith," he sighed.

"No, you know what, you talked last night at my house so now I am going to talk," she nodded as she wiggled herself to a standing position. Her eyes were golden now, flashing with a kind of determination he didn't quite understand. "I didn't ask for time because I think you're a horrible human being who kills people, because you're not. You didn't kill your fiancée or her whole family. Is it sad? Obviously it is because that sounds...but you did not kill anyone. So that's the first thing we're going to unpack here because you didn't kill anyone."

"I..." Derek swallowed heavily as he stared at her, waddling around his living room. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell her that she couldn't possibly understand or if he just wanted to listen to her.

"I asked for time because I need to know if this unpacking thing is going to consume you," she stated, her hands on her hips. "I need to know if Hailey and I are going to be a priority because she needs to be one. I need to know that if I help you unpack this, that you're still going to be here, wanting this, at the end of the tunnel. That's why I asked for time, Derek, no other reason. I...my daughter has to be my priority and I just need to know that she's going to be okay."

"Okay," he whispered as he ran his fingers through his hair. He stood again and walked towards her, his thoughts racing. He had no idea how to handle this situation and he hated that his parents had encouraged him to take this kind of step. There wasn't a lot he could offer her, and the stress of that was obviously getting to her. There was so much more she would need, that Hailey would need, and the simple fact was that he had no idea if he was even ready for it.

"And it would make more sense for me to just...put the brakes on this or whatever," she sighed, turning to face him. "I didn't come here to date the town doctor with a past. That just sounds like...god, I think I just became a cheesy Hallmark movie. My whole life went to shit and I came here to try to rebuild it or whatever. And now I am actually considering helping you rebuild yours when I'm about to be an unemployed single mom. This is crazy!"

"Mer, stop," he whispered as he placed his hands on her shoulders and gave them a tight squeeze. Her eyes immediately widened and then met his and he squeezed again, keeping his eye contact steady with hers. He understood what she was saying, and she wasn't wrong. He was putting a lot on her right now and as her doctor, he wanted her to just take a deep breath for a second. "Keep looking at me and just breathe, okay?"

"Okay," she responded, her chest rising with her sharp inhale of breath.

"Good," he whispered and then moved one hand down to her stomach. "The little mouse is moving?"

"Derek..." she groaned.

"Is she?"

"Of course she is but when you give her a nickname or feel her move or...do you have any idea how good of a guy you are?" Meredith asked him. "Like no normal man would want to get involved with a woman who is seven months pregnant with a baby that isn't his. But here you are, just being a genuinely good guy and that's...that's what makes this so hard. Because you think I don't deserve a guy who has a giant suit case and who still loves his dead fiancée but I think for once I deserve a good guy. And you are an amazing guy. And I think you would be an amazing boyfriend and amazing for Hailey and that's what makes this so hard."

"Oh," he breathed. He could swear he felt his heart stutter slightly in his chest and he rubbed it slightly as tears rushed to his eyes. He knew the town loved him. He knew the town thought he was an incredible doctor, a pillar of the community, and a few other accolades he had heard over the years. But never once had he left himself believe any of them, if only because he had known the truth and they didn't. Meredith knew the truth though, she knew the truth and she was standing in front of him, calling him amazing and he wasn't sure he had an argument.

"She used to kick more when she heard your voice, but now she calms down when you're around," she explained. "And she wouldn't stop kicking all night because I'm pretty sure she wants you around, which yes, sounds stupid because she is a fetus and doesn't have feelings or whatever but I swear Derek, she wants you around. And when she does come, all she's going to care about is being safe and loved. And that's my job, you know?"

"I know it is," he murmured, pressing the heel of his palm against an insistent kick from her unborn daughter. "I...all I can promise you, Meredith, is that I will never purposefully hurt you or Hailey. And the only thing that has held me back from really being with you is the suitcase. The only thing that makes me hesitate...so if that's unpacked, I can't imagine anything else would hold me back."

"This is crazy," she breathed as she shook her head. "This is...not what I came to Oakbrook Falls for."

"Hmmm..." he nodded. "If you want to wait until she's here, we can do that, too."

"I am not giving you an opportunity to change your mind," she laughed harshly and then looked up at him. There were golden flecks in her cat eyes and Derek felt his breath catch in his throat as he trailed his thumb along her jaw line. "You can't...I don't want any more secrets, Derek. I want to be in your life, even your old crappy one. I want...I want to know about her and I want to know where you go when you zone out or why you don't feel real. And I don't know how good I'll be at this because, well, because being in the third trimester isn't exactly fun but I at least want to be in your life."

"Are you sure?" He whispered. "I want you to be sure, Mer."

"Do not sure pregnant people go through a snow storm to get to someone's house at six thirty in the morning?"

"Probably not," he laughed softly.

"Can I ask a couple of questions?" Meredith asked.

"And there's the journalist Meredith," he shook his head as he smiled at her. "Sit down first. Let's get you comfortable and then you can ask questions."

"Comfortable is relative," she shrugged but turned to sit back down on the couch. Derek immediately shifted a couple of cushions behind her back and then sat down next to her, their hands finding each other almost immediately.

"Good?" He asked softly. "Are you warm?"

"I'm okay, Derek," she smiled, shifting until she was facing him and her back was supported by the cushions. "I...okay, I know I already asked this last night but I'm going to ask again. Have you been suicidal since your attempt?"

"Not seriously, no," he shook his head. "Some passing thoughts here or there when I first moved here but...I don't want to die, Meredith. I don't even wish I had died that night anymore. It—I can't begin to explain to you what it feels like to be the only survivor. I can't put that into words. But I don't want to die anymore."

"Then why did your mom make that comment that I don't know what to look for?"

"Because..." Derek took a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair. "Your sister said I had a breakdown and became a recluse, right?"

"Yeah."

"There is some truth to that," he explained. "I think it's the simple story for my family. After the suicide attempt, I couldn't look any of them in the face. My dad always looked so sad when I looked at him and my mom was just...constantly following me around. Mark stopped being, well, when you meet him you'll see what I mean when I say he stopped being him. I have one sister who is a psychologist and she just wanted to analyze me all the time while my other sisters kept their distance. My baby sister, Sophie, tried her best but sometimes she would just burst into tears."

"So you moved here?" She asked softly.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I think I robbed my parents of seeing me get better. I think there was a lot of hurt there that I didn't let them work through. They see me here occasionally but any time I'm there...the memories are too much. I think they think I'm really bad off and have let myself get stuck. And in some ways, I have."

"Okay," she whispered, her long fingers squeezing his gently. "Do you see yourself ever going back to the city? Like if you get all whole and healed or whatever."

"No," he shook his head. "This is my home. I love helping people here and I think the city was a great fit for Derek Shepherd twenty-five years ago, but not who I am now. I need my hikes."

"Have you been to see Alison's grave?" She asked softly. "You said her dad wouldn't let you come to the funeral but did you ever go to her grave?"

"A few times," he whispered. He swallowed against the lump in his throat and then squeezed Meredith's hand tightly. "It's hard. They...the whole family is buried there and I just...it's hard."

"Okay," she nodded and then glanced at him, her cheeks pink. "I...after you left last night, I Googled. I only wanted...I wanted to understand the accident better. The taxi driver was found at fault, like you said, and the city settled with the Springers because that construction equipment shouldn't have been where it was."

"I-I didn't know that," he murmured.

"Derek, if we're going to unpack the suitcase, if you really want..." she started and then shook her head. "I just think you have to start accepting it wasn't your fault. You left your wallet. It was an honest mistake. You see that, right?"

"That's going to take some time, Mer," he shook his head. "That's...it not as easy as that."

"Okay," she agreed. She went silent for a moment and Derek let himself fall into it, rolling his shoulders slightly as her hand rested on her stomach. Her head had to be a mess and his wasn't doing much better, if only because that slight flutter of hope was trying desperately to explode deep within him. "Did you and Alison want kids?"

"Oh...yeah," he smiled widely. "I've always...when you grow up in a big family, it's impossible to imagine not having one. I love my nieces and nephews and honestly the favorite part of my job is getting to be a pediatrician. Kids are...they're easier. They don't understand pain yet but they know what it looks like. And they still think kisses and dinosaur band aids fix everything."

"Good," she whispered.

"I...however you want me...it doesn't matter who I am to her, Meredith," he whispered. He rested their entwined hands on her stomach and smiled at her. "I will always make the little mouse a priority. Always."

"See, when you talk like that, it makes it really hard for me to think," she whispered.

"Sorry, " he breathed as he scooted closer to her. "I know Hailey is your priority. I know she has to be and she will be. But what do you want? Do you really...I'm not an easy...unpacking will be hard."

"I honestly can't tell if you want me to change my mind or not," she frowned. "Didn't I already say not sure people don't come to someone's house at six in the morning? For normal people, that's sleeping time, especially for pregnant people."

"It is," he laughed softly as he felt something in his heart break free for the first time in twenty years. "I'm not sure I remember how to date. It's been...I know I want to date you, I just don't know that I'll remember how."

"That's okay, I'm not a datey kind of person," she shrugged and then pointed at her stomach. "And this complicates things."

"Hailey brings more excitement, not complications," he insisted.

"Okay," she nodded and then leaned closer to him. "Can you promise me something?"

"Of course," he agreed.

"If you...if this gets too hard for you or if you feel like I'm pushing you too hard, you have to tell me," Meredith murmured. "If thinking about all of this makes it hurt too much, then you have to tell me, okay? Even if I'm a million years pregnant and cranky...you have to tell me."

"I promise I will tell you," he nodded, reaching out to gently run his thumb along her jawline. "Can I ask a question?"

"I guess," she shrugged.

"When do I get to know about my favorite journalist?" Derek asked softly. "You're not exactly an open book, Meredith. And I know I have my suitcase and it's huge and unpacked but...I don't even know if you have a suitcase."

"I...I guess that is a good point," she nodded slowly. "I've been pretty focused on the big thing right now."

"Which is understandable," he said quickly. "I just want to know you, too."

"That seems like a fair ask," she smiled at him.

"So we'll start getting to know each other," he agreed. "Open and unpack any suitcases."

"Okay," she smiled at him and then yawned. "Crap, sorry."

"You're exhausted," he sighed. He rubbed her belly for a second and then stood. "I have breakfast with my parents at eight and you're welcome to come, if you want. Or, you can crash here until I get back."

"I can get back to my own place, Derek," she rolled her eyes.

"You can, but you're not going to," he insisted. "It's still snowing, you haven't slept, and you and little mouse need your rest. And we can, I mean, if you want, we can talk when I get back. I can build you a fire and you can...we'll talk after."

"You're not really giving me a choice, are you?"

"Yes, I am," he shrugged. "Breakfast with my parents or sleeping in my bed."

"You're annoying," she sighed but then nodded. "Fine, I'll try to get some sleep."

"Good," he smiled softly. He reached to grab her hands and gently pulled her up from the couch, one of his hands moving quickly to stabilize her lower back as she found her balance. His heart was still beating a little too fast and his chest was still too tight, but from the second their bodies made contact, he could swear he was starting to relax. She came to just below his chin and the smell of flowers surrounded him as he suddenly realized that every inch of her body was touching his. He took a slow and steady breath, filling his lungs as he registered the feel of her belly against him, of Hailey's tiny movements, but then it was the warmth of her that registered next, then the feel of her swollen breasts. Her hair tickled his chin and he ducked his head down just as she looked up at him, her green eyes sparkling gold. "Hey," he whispered as he ran his hand over her messy ponytail.

"Hey," she whispered. He felt her take a tiny step forward, somehow bringing them closer, which made a sharp shiver move up and down his spine. His chest felt like something was dying to break free, like it was tired of all the things he had held back for twenty years. It was invigorating and exhausting all at once, and he shivered again when he felt Meredith's fingers trail along his inner wrist and then move slowly along his arm. "Derek."

"I can do this," he told her. "I can...to have you and Hailey, to have...I can do this."

"I know you can," she agreed, reaching to run her hand through his dark hair. "We'll do it."

"Meredith," Derek breathed as whatever it was in his chest seemed to suddenly explode and fill him with a warmth he couldn't describe. It had been so long since he had felt safe or sure of what was in front of him, even longer since he had wanted anything that would make him happy. He hadn't ever thought happiness was possible again, and he wasn't even sure if this was what it was, but just holding Meredith like this, just deciding to take some kind of step with her towards some kind of future made him suddenly hope for something he hadn't wanted to even think about for twenty years. "Mer..." he breathed, cupping her face in his hands. Her breath fanned across his face, and she kept eye contact with him as he ducked his head down to press his lips to hers. And then waited for the guilt to come, for the feeling that he was just going to hurt someone else, add another name to his list of sins he committed.

But his body was warm and his brain wasn't screaming anything and he let himself give into the need to kiss her as her lips eagerly responded to his. They had kissed before, he had learned to forgive himself for each kiss, but this one didn't come with a need to forgive. It was gentle and exploring and he spread his legs a little wider, planting himself against the feeling of falling over. It had been twenty years since he had allowed himself to feel most positive emotions, twenty years since he had let himself hope for something bigger than the tragedy that had ruined his life, and now that those feelings were exploding inside him, he had no idea how he could ever shove them back into the bottom of the suitcase.

Her tongue trailed along his lips and he smiled against the question it was asking before pulling her as close as he could against his chest, his hands moving to splay across her back as he deepened the kiss. She was anchoring him and putting him adrift all at once but nothing mattered in this second except for the gentle swirls of their tongues. He could do this. He could unpack the suitcase and knock down the walls and be with her. He expected the guilt would come in the next couple of days, but he didn't want it to. He just wanted Meredith like this and any other way he could have her.

"God," she whispered as she pulled away from him, her chest rising and falling and her cheeks flushed.

"We need to get you into bed," he whispered, rubbing her back as she curled into him. "I'll be back soon and we...you have to open a suitcase too."

"Okay," she giggled breathlessly.

"Come on," he urged, pressing his hand into the curve of her spine to direct her towards his bedroom. A part of him just wanted to cancel breakfast with his parents and stay here with her, but he probably needed to start atoning for sins he hadn't even know he was committing, and he needed to start with his parents. He opened the door to his bedroom and gently lowered Meredith to sit in his bed before kneeling in front of her to take off her winter boots. She smiled down at him, her hand on her stomach, and he let himself look up at her, taking in her puffy eyes that still sparkled and he could swear the warmth was filling every single last inch of him, from head to toe. "I know you hate when I say this, but you are gorgeous."

"I only hated it because you weren't doing anything but saying that," she rolled her eyes as she scooted back to rest against his head board. "Now I just think you need a new line."

"I'll try to think of one," he laughed softly. He sat down slowly next to her on the bed, positioning himself just over her so that his arms rested on either side of her and their faces were inches apart. "Comfortable?"

"Yeah," she wiggled experimentally. "I may steal your pillow."

"It's yours," he nodded before kissing her softly again. "I'll build a fire when I get back. And I think I owe you a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich."

"Derek," Meredith smiled slightly. "I don't...if you need this to happen slowly or..."

"I want to do this," he said firmly. "Do you want to do this?"

"I think I've been pretty clear on that."

"Me too," he shrugged. "At least in the last day, I have. I...Meredith, I don't know when or how or what it will look like but I meant what I said yesterday. I want to love you. I think getting there is going to hurt but right now, I want to love you. And I'm going to love you. It won't be easy for me, especially on some days, but I will love you."

"Okay," she breathed before kissing him again. "We'll do this."

"We will," he agreed against her lips. He ran his hand along her stomach and then shifted down until he was just inches from it. "I'm going to love you, too, little mouse. So don't worry about that. Just...let Mommy get some sleep."

"I think she might actually be napping," Meredith grinned and he returned it as he looked up at her. Her eyes were shining now and felt himself gently slide her hoodie up slightly to reveal just a bit of her belly and he pressed his lips to the spot before standing up. Meredith's hand caught his and he squeezed it tightly, holding onto her as silence fell over them both. It was peaceful and right and Derek let himself breathe into it, exhaling and then inhaling the second as his brain started to clear.

"Get some sleep," he whispered. "I have to shower and then...get some sleep."

"Okay," she agreed. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to love you, too," she breathed.

"I...okay," he said around a lump in his threat. He bent down to kiss her again and then turned to go into his bathroom. He could hear her shifting to get comfortable and he took a slow, deep breath, trying to familiarize himself with the new feeling that had decided to take residence in his body. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this way, but it was somehow more freeing than coming to Oakbrook Falls. He had made a decision that day to live, to start rebuilding what was left in the wreckage of his life, and now he had just felt like he had made the biggest decision of his life.

Meredith wanted to love him. She wanted him and that thought was enough to make him need to catch his breath in the best of ways. They were going to do this. He and Meredith were going to learn each other without holding back and they were going to love each other one day. It was more than he had ever hoped for and he couldn't hold back the smile that spread over his features as he looked in the mirror. They were going to do this, he was going to do this, and he was suddenly all to aware of the fact that his eyes were bright with excitement as his smile reached them.

_And I'm all in, nothing left to hide_

_I'm falling harder than a landslide_

_**Author's Note: Sorry for how long this took. The anxiety of the current situation has obviously frozen me in place. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom or something but I am as terrified as I have ever been. So I will just say this: be kind to yourself. Be safe. STAY HOME.**_


	23. An Ending is Never Easy

_**Chapter 23- An Ending is Never Easy**_

It had been a long time since Derek had been able to notice his emotions were on some kind of shift. When he had first come to Oakbrook Falls, he had been too lost in his depression to notice much of anything, and he didn't think there had been a specific day when that had changed. He still wasn't sure if his depression had necessarily lifted, or if he had just been able to learn to live with it, to adapt to his new normal. He had developed his routines, built his walls, and had let himself fall into every day life. Eventually, that had led to him just becoming comfortable with where his life had ended up, and that had been enough for twenty years. But today actually felt different, he felt different. There wasn't a heaviness to his every movement and breathing didn't feel like a chore. He could feel a smile tugging at his lips instead of his brain forcing one, and he could almost swear there was a slight bounce to his step.

He almost felt twenty years younger, but he didn't want that. The Derek Shepherd from twenty years earlier was nothing like the current and he didn't think there was any way he could ever go back to being that carefree. The book from twenty years ago was itching to be finished, and he knew there was a new book that could be written now. There were still a lot of unanswered questions and pain that sometimes still felt all too fresh, but he wasn't going to fight the shifting of the pain anymore. He had something to hold onto now, something outside of being the town's doctor and his routines. There was Meredith, who didn't think he was a murderer, and who wanted him in her life. Not just in her life, because that would be incredible enough, but in her unborn daughter's life. That fact was enough to make his chest hurt in the best of ways, as the hope he had tamped down for twenty years began to spread its wings.

Their conversation just a couple of hours earlier still felt raw, but it didn't feel painful. He had always been afraid to talk about that night, afraid to pick at a wound that he wanted to believe had healed, but had instead stayed open under a rough bandage, gaping and infected. But now the band aid was off and he was letting it get air, actually giving it the opportunity to start a whole different process. His parents were right in the fact he had brought the Springers to Oakbrook Falls with him, and now he felt he just needed to let them out from underneath the bandage, too. They probably deserved to heal, too.

He had left Meredith sleeping in his bed, her exhausted body curved around his pillow. He still couldn't believe that she had made her choice so quickly, or that she was so sure about him. It had been so easy to believe that his past disqualified him from happiness, but Meredith didn't think so and that had been enough to make him watch her after his shower. The petite blonde journalist who had a sense of mystery about her wanted him, and he had wanted to be sure this wasn't a trick of his brain. And so he had watched her, thrilling at every breath she breathed, until he had been sure she wouldn't disappear. She was real, he was real, and none of this was floating away like a neglected balloon. After he had breakfast with his parents, she would still be waiting for him, and he would be able to start writing a new chapter.

A part of him worried he had forgotten how to do this, and the various differences from dating as a careless twenty-something and dating as a forty-something felt incredibly daunting. Meredith was going to have a baby soon, her career was in tatters, and he had kept his circle as small as possible over the last two decades, refusing to drag anyone into his darkness. It meant that were some incredible obstacles between them, and he just hoped he was worth the hard work to her. The suitcase was opened now and he had to hope that unpacking it and finding a new home for the loss of Alison and her family wouldn't make things too big for Meredith, especially since he was eager to get to know what was in her smaller suitcases.

He still had a lot of questions about her and she wasn't exactly as open as she maybe thought. He knew about Hailey's dead, but beyond that he didn't know much about the cat-eyed woman who was helping him to write the new book of his life. He knew her sister was dating Mark, but he also had taken note that it didn't seem like she had a lot of visitors since she had moved to Oakbrook Falls, and he wondered if that was by choice. She was mysterious but he was willing to learn slowly, just like he wanted her to learn more about him, past the years of silent trauma and his role as the town doctor. They could learn together, and that thought alone made his usually tight chest relax.

Snow was still falling in a heavy blanket around him and he had been getting blizzard warnings on his phone all morning, as well as a warning from Medevac that they wouldn't be flying out until the storm left the area. If he was lucky, the citizens of his little town would stay safe at home, but Derek was already preparing for hypothermia cases and falls on ice. It would be nice if he could spend the next day or two with Meredith, especially with the anniversary of Alison's death coming up, but that was feeling like a bit of a pipe dream. Whatever happened, he had to believe he could get through this anniversary better than the last nineteen, if only because he felt like he had something pushing him forward. Once it was all over, he could take a step back and survey the damage he had done over the last twenty years, though he knew without surveying that he needed to repair his relationship with his parents first.

A lot of hurt feelings had come out the night before, and he couldn't stop hearing his dad's voice on repeat that he wasn't going to spend his remaining years waiting for his son to be his son again. His life had frozen here and he had barely registered the passing of the years. His hair had gotten grayer and there more lines on his face, but he hadn't truly thought about his parents getting older, too. They were grandparents fifteen times over now, with their oldest grandchild technically old enough to maybe give them great-grandchildren. It had been thirty-five years since his dad had survived a shooting he never should have survived, and in reality, his parents were old now. They would hate him for thinking it, but it was suddenly hitting Derek how little time he might have left to be his dad's son. Guilt threatened to wash over him in all too familiar wave, and he pushed back at it with a resolution he hadn't felt in a long time.

The suitcase was open now and he was going to do better. There was a determination to his walk that had been missing for all too long and all he could hope was that this wasn't temporary. He had felt hints of this before, but his brain had always rushed to remind him that he didn't deserve happiness or a new life. He wasn't even sure why his brain was so quiet now, except that maybe the hope of a life with Meredith and Hailey seemed stronger than the depression he had suffered for years. It seemed so strange that he could feel hope again and he caught himself grinning as he walked towards Chris's cafe, where his parents were waiting together.

Even in the swirling snow, he could see how connected they seem. His mom's hand was nestled in Dad's, and Dad was looking at her like she had hung the sun, moon, and the stars. His parents' love had always been palpable; they had never tried to hold back or pretend they didn't fall more in love with each other every day. Their marriage had had to shift and change after Dad had been shot, but their love for each other had never faltered. Once upon a time, Derek had been desperate for that kind of love, but the universe had tried to deny him. And even now, as the wings of hope beat inside his chest, he found himself wondering what it would be like to love someone as much as his parents loved each other. "Hey, guys," he said as he walked towards them. "You didn't have to wait for me outside."

"We didn't have much of a choice," Dad reported as Derek kissed his mom's cheek. "I'm guessing the storm kept Chris home."

"Oh," Derek frowned. It wasn't unheard of that Chris wouldn't open the cafe during a blizzard, but he couldn't help the flutter of anxiety that something else could be happening.

"It sounds like this storm is going to be pretty big," Mom shook her head as she ran her hand over Dad's shoulder. "We're thinking we should head back before it gets worse."

"Unless you want us to stay, bud," Dad said quickly.

"I really am going to be okay, guys," Derek said out of a twenty year long habit. It felt like putting something else into the open suitcase though and he took a deep breath as he ran his gloved hand through his hair. "But...you guys need coffee and food and I...why don't you come over for breakfast? If the storm is too bad to drive, you can...and if it isn't, then you can at least have breakfast."

"We don't want to impose, sweetheart," Mom murmured.

"What your ma means is while we love Chris's coffee, we think that's a great idea," Dad grinned widely, his hands immediately going to the wheels of his chair.

"Michael Patrick Shepherd, that is not at all what I meant!"

"Mom, it's really okay," Derek insisted as his dad laughed and started wheeling forward. "Meredith is over but...it really is okay. Coffee and...well, it will probably be cheese omelettes for breakfast and then you guys can go if it's safe."

"Meredith is over?" Mom asked. They were following Dad now and while Mom was looking forward at her husband, Derek couldn't miss the way her voice changed with the question.

"I talked to her last night," Derek murmured as Dad came to a stop and reached for Mom's gloved hand. "I told her everything, all of it, and she asked for some time but then...I get the sense she hates gray areas because she was waiting for me after my run this morning."

"And what did she say?"

"That she wants to be with me," he breathed, feeling the muscles of his cheeks pull as the grin spread across his features. "She said the accident wasn't my fault and that she wants to help me and...god, I want to be with her too."

"That...oh, Derek," Mom murmured. She reached to quickly wipe her eyes as Dad roughly cleared his throat. They had lost this in the past, the opportunity to see him make decisions about moving on. He hadn't told them he was moving to Oakbrook Falls in person, he had just called them and told them, and it was easy to understand why they might have thought he was running instead of starting over. But this was a real step, a big step. It was something his parents had hoped for and now it was happening and all he could think to do was to squeeze Mom's shoulder tightly as she let out a slow breath.

"I don't know how or even if it will work," he warned softly. "But I want to be with her. She makes me feel like maybe I can do this."

"You can do this," Mom murmured. "I'm just so happy you're giving yourself the chance, sweetheart. It's past time to let yourself move forward."

"And to forgive yourself," Dad pointed out. "I always thought Ed put far too much blame on you, bud. He was angry and had lost more than any man should have to lose, but he took away your healing."

"It's not his fault, Dad," Derek insisted. "I know I have to stop thinking it was my fault but we wouldn't have been at that intersection to do a u-turn if I hadn't forgotten my wallet. I can see...who else was there to blame?"

"Not a scared twenty-five year old who had just lost his fiancée," Dad stated as he shook his head.

"I don't think this is a good time to drudge all this up," Mom murmured. "Let's focus on something positive today. Especially with...well, these next few days are never easy for you, Derek."

"I know and I'm actually worried about that," he confessed, running his hand over his jaw as they started walking again. "I want to be with Meredith and I want to be...whatever she'll let me be for Hailey. But then I think of Alison and I don't ever want—she's my fiancée. I know she's gone but I can't think of her as my ex. She's my fiancée and I want her to still have that spot."

"She'll always have that spot, sweetheart," Mom assured him. "That spot doesn't go away just because she's gone and you're with someone else. Even if one day you decide to build a life with Meredith and her baby, Alison can still be your fiancée. It isn't one or the other. You have more than enough love to give to cover them both."

"I know I do, I even told Meredith that," Derek agreed, digging his keys out of his front pocket. He would have to wake up Meredith for breakfast with his parents, and it was suddenly dawning on him that she might see this as some kind of ambush after yesterday. His parents were two of the most amazing people he had ever known, but they could be a lot. He would have to hope they would understand if Meredith wasn't up to having a meal with them right now, especially after the last twenty-four hours.

"So what's the problem?" Dad asked.

"I just...I haven't done this in twenty years," he breathed and then turned to them. "She's sleeping and if she doesn't want to do breakfast, can you guys give her a break?"

"Of course, sweetheart," Mom smiled softly. "This is new for both of you and we won't force anything on her that she isn't comfortable with."

"It's just been a lot over the last day and I've already drained her enough," he stated as he unlocked his front door. "I'm just going to let her know I'm home." He threw his keys into the side table and then made his way back to his bedroom, his heart pounding a little. He didn't want to freak Meredith out and he was starting to wonder if he was already messing up his desire to make everything better for the people in his life. Maybe he was going too fast and he just needed to come up with some kind of plan or something. He knew he couldn't repair the damage with his parents in a day, but it had seemed so tempting to at least get started, but it meant he was definitely putting too much on Meredith.

Maybe he could just have a quick breakfast with his parents and Meredith wouldn't have to know, but even as that thought popped into his head, he knew it would never work. He was just going to have to follow Meredith's lead in this, and the second he opened his bedroom door, hope blossomed in his chest again, warming his chilled body. She was curled into his pillow, gripping it just over her belly, which was bare under a white long sleeved shirt that didn't quite cover it. Her red hoodie was on the floor, discarded at some point since he had left, and he stepped forward quietly to watch her for a second. It never ceased to amaze him how absolutely beautiful Meredith Grey was, but that feeling was now partnered with a feeling of possession that he hadn't felt in so long that he almost hesitated to name it. She wanted to be his as much as he wanted to be hers, and that seemed like the kind of miracle he had stopped believing in twenty years ago. His fingers reached out to gently brush her blonde waves off her face, and he grinned as her nose scrunched slightly and then relaxed as a soft sigh escaped her lips. "Hey," he whispered, kneeling down beside the bed as he allowed his knuckles to gently skin her cheek.

"Hmmm..." she sighed again as her eyes fluttered open, closed, and then opened again. "Hey."

"Sorry to wake you," he breathed.

"'Sokay," Meredith shook her head, yawning widely as she turned towards him. "She isn't that interested in sleep anyway."

"She's not?" He laughed softly. He pressed his other hand to her stomach, grinning as he was greeted with tiny tapping feet. "Active little mouse."

"Is it wrong to call my unborn child a brat?"

"As her doctor, it's my job to remind you that she's testing all of her muscles, and that's a good thing," he shrugged as he traced the baby's movements across Meredith's stomach. He had never thought he would experience this, and even if Hailey wasn't his, he was still absolutely enthralled by her. She made him feel as hopeful as her mother did, and he wondered if there was one kind of special, genetic power the Greys held over him. "As your doctor, I want you to get as much rest as possible."

"I'll be okay," she insisted, releasing his pillow and sitting up slowly. "I thought you were eating breakfast with your parents."

"I was...or I am," he nodded, shifting to sit into the bed next to her. "The snow is getting worse so Chris didn't open the cafe this morning. I...I invited them here. My mom is already probably getting breakfast ready for us."

"Oh," Meredith nodded slowly, wrapping her arm over her belly while her other hand clasped her wrist. "So...your parents are here. And I'm here. We're all here. That's...I mean, that's great and you should definitely spend time with them. Spending time with your parents is...I mean when my parents go to New York for Christmas I'll be spending time with them and it's—good—really good to spend time with them and you should spend time with yours. Especially because they drove all this way and you haven't exactly been present or whatever."

"Okay, slow down," he murmured, reaching to cup her cheeks. "You don't have to have breakfast with us if you don't want to. I...my dad said something last night and it's stuck with me so when they said Chris's was closed, I said they could come over for a bit. I realize I should have thought of you but I already told them you might not be comfortable with a family breakfast yet."

"What did he say to you?" She asked softly.

"Oh," Derek breathed, leaning forward so that their foreheads touched. "He said he wasn't going to spend the remaining years of his life waiting for me to be his son on my terms."

"Wow."

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling as he felt their breaths mix. "My dad is an amazing man and he's been through more than most people. I just...they're getting older and I've put them through a lot of pain. I don't want to do it anymore."

"You're unpacking the suitcase," she smiled.

"I'm trying to," he nodded slowly. "But if you want to hide out in here until they're gone, you can. This isn't your suitcase to unpack and we can wait until things aren't as big for this part of things."

"I...is your mom a good cook?"

"Amazing."

"I mean, Hailey and I are hungry," she nodded, her fingers trailing up and down her stomach. "But I reserve the right to run if things get too weird."

"Right to run is definitely reserved," Derek agreed, pulling back to look into her golden green eyes. "Are you sure about this? I know the last day has been a lot."

"I'm not sure at all," she shrugged. "But hunger and journalistic curiosity are really sure."

"Of course," he laughed softly as he cupped her cheek again. Her skin was slightly pink, there were dark circles under her eyes, but she was smiling and that felt like enough right now. Once his parents were gone, they could start a fire and actually start this new book of his life. "We're doing this, right?"

"We're doing this," she confirmed before leaning forward to kiss him. It was a new yet strangely familiar feeling for him and each kiss left him wanting more in about a hundred different ways. It had never occurred to him that he would ever kiss anyone ever again after Alison, but Meredith was here and she was brave enough to lead him through this. "I did hope to look a little better when I tried to make up for your parents' first impression of me."

"You look beautiful," he shook his head, running his hand along her belly. "You might want to look into getting clothes that fit but...gorgeous."

"Hey!" Meredith smacked his arm. "This shirt fit like two weeks ago."

"Growing little mouse," he laughed softly as he reached for her hoodie on the floor. "My parents aren't going to worry about what you look like. They're just happy that I'm taking steps now. My mom cried on the walk here."

"If you tell me things like that, my mommy hormones are going to go crazy," she warned, slipping the hoodie on. "I'm going to pee and splash some water over my face."

"Okay," he smiled. He gripped her hands and gently helped her to stand, making a silent promise to himself to explore her changing body when they were alone. He was fascinated by what she would look like once Hailey was here, but for now her changing curves in her petite frame were a constant source of curiosity for him. He pressed a soft kiss to her nose and then watched her waddle into his bathroom before sitting back down in the bed with a soft sigh.

A lot was changing. This morning he had been intent on getting his routines back on track, but instead he was having breakfast and the pregnant woman he was dating. It was a lot of change, but he just needed to remember how light he had felt all morning. He couldn't let the panic or the uncertainty fill him, not this time. For the last twenty years, he had been frozen in so many ways, and now he deserved to move. He needed to just hold onto the burst of hope and determination and try to ignore the uncertainty that was trying to creep back in. He wanted to be with Meredith, she wanted to be with him, and he needed to be sure he didn't fall back into the darkness for her.

Her smile when she had pointed out he was unpacking his suitcase had nearly broken him, if only because she had sounded vaguely surprised. He had promised her that now that the suitcase was open, he would begin to unpack it and he didn't want her doubting that, or wondering how long it would take him. This was the beginning of something big, and he never wanted Meredith to think his suitcase was going to hold them back or hurt them. He was looking forward now, and that meant introducing her officially to his parents. It was big, possibly bigger than the suitcase, but he wanted to do it. "Okay, I think this is the best I can do right now," Meredith sighed as she walked out of his bathroom, her hair in a slightly messy ponytail, with some wavy strands framing her cheeks.

"You look gorgeous," he assured her, standing from his bed to take her hand. "They really aren't going to care."

"I get that but this just..." she shrugged, pointing to her stomach. "I'm sure your parents never thought they would meet someone you were dating who was pregnant with another man's baby."

"I don't care about that and neither will they," he stated firmly. "Hailey is yours and that's all that matters to me."

"Still, not exactly the world's greatest way to meet your parents."

"Mer, stop worrying about it," he murmured to her, squeezing her hand tightly. "This isn't about your or Hailey, okay? As long as I'm actually moving forward, they're going to be okay."

"I...okay, you might have a point," Meredith agreed. "This is just...different all around, I guess."

"It is," he nodded. "But we're doing this."

"We're doing this," she echoed softly, smiling up at him as they walked into the kitchen. Dad was at the counter next to Mom, cutting some fruit as she broke some eggs into a bowl. Derek could already smell coffee brewing and he smiled as he listened to his parents laugh together. They looked so effortless and comfortable together and Derek pulled Meredith close as he cleared his throat and his parents turned from their tasks.

"Mom, Dad, this is Meredith Grey," he announced as he shifted to wrap his arm around her disappearing waist so that his hand could rest on her belly, where he could feel Hailey wiggling. "Meredith, these are my parents, Mike and Carolyn Shepherd."

"We kind of already met, Derek," Meredith giggled before turning to his parents. "It's um...nice to see you guys again."

"And in much better circumstances this time," Dad grinned as he wheeled forward to shake Meredith's hand. "Though I'm not opposed to the shock and awe approach."

"Michael, really," Mom shook her head as she wiped her hands on a dish towel. "It's wonderful to see you again, Meredith. Can I get you anything? Some juice?"

"She gets a cup of coffee in the morning, Mom," Derek explained, squeezing Meredith's waist slightly.

"I'm okay now, Mrs. Shepherd, thank you," Meredith smiled. "I'll have coffee with my breakfast."

"Which I'm just getting started now," Mom smiled at her. "Derek said something about cheese omelettes so I'm guessing it's a craving. Mike cut up some fruit too and I'm going to get some breakfast potatoes going."

"Ma, you really don't have to go all out," Derek sighed.

"Oh, hush, Derek," Mom shook her head before turning back to the stove. "Mike, is the fruit ready?"

"Yes, dear," Dad winked at Meredith and then wheeled back to the counter to spoon fruit into some bowls. "Fruit salad a la Mike, the perfect appetizer for breakfast."

"Thanks, Mr. Shepherd," Meredith giggled as she sat down at the kitchen table, her hand gently moving over her belly. Derek sat down next to her, immediately moving his chair closer to her and taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure if his parents had discussed how they would act in front of Meredith, but this all felt remarkably normal. This was how his parents behaved at home, except for when they tiptoed around him. Mom was the queen of the kitchen and dad was her faithful squire, which always made her roll her eyes. But it was nice to not have them be unsure around him, to just treat him like he was...him. It had been far too long and while he wasn't sure how long it would last, he was hoping they could go home with the image of him happy with Meredith.

"When are you due, Meredith?" Mom asked over the sizzling if the potatoes in he stove.

"Oh...February twenty-third," Meredith replied.

"Well that's just a couple weeks after Derek's birthday," Dad grinned, putting a bowl of fruit salad with a little bit of sugar on top in front of Meredith.

"It is?" Meredith turned to him, frowning a bit. "You never told me that."

"It never came up," Derek shrugged. "And I'm not...I don't really celebrate or...it never came up."

"No, I definitely feel like you could have easily worked that into conversation," She shook her head, elbowing him. "You know my birthday."

"From your chart," he laughed.

"Yeah, you have a lot more information about me than I have about you, which you got by cheating."

"Or by being a good doctor."

"Cheating," she insisted. "When's your birthday?"

"February twelfth," he answered, taking a bite of the fruit salad.

"He wasn't supposed to come until the nineteenth," Dad announced, shaking his head. "I was planning to spoil my girl for Valentine's Day, bit of a last hurrah before the third kid came, but he decided to come early. Carolyn jokes that was her present to me, the boy I always wanted."

"And I still stand by that," Mom laughed softly.

"I know you do but I still don't think it was very nice of him to surprise us like that," Dad stated before turning back to Meredith. "Both of the girls before him came late, so I was really banking on the end of the month based on experience, but my buddy was ahead of everyone else from the day he was born."

"Really?" Meredith grinned widely as she cocked her head to the side. "I bet you were a cute baby."

"He was," Dad agreed. "Bald, but cute."

"Dad," Derek groaned.

"Well, you were. It took you about a year to get your hair in, and I remember wondering if the nurses had switched you at the hospital."

"Which is absolutely ridiculous because the second he was born, he looked exactly like you," Mom pointed out.

"He still does," Meredith offered. "When I first saw you...you look like him in thirty years."

"But more handsome," Dad grinned.

"Honestly, Michael," Mom shook her head as Derek glanced at Meredith. Her eyes were sparkling and she actually looked relaxed, if not tired. His dad was incredibly good at putting people at ease, and it was pretty clear that's what was happening now. "I don't want to get too personal, Meredith—"

"Her dad isn't involved," Meredith cut off his mom. "I don't want to...but he doesn't want to be involved and that's fine. We'll be okay without him."

"Oh," Mom nodded slowly and then turned to lean against the counter. "And your family?"

"My parents live in Seattle, but they're going to come stay to help when she's born," Meredith explained. "And my sister...well, you guys know my sister."

"We do?" Dad frowned and then his eyes widened behind his glasses. "Grey. Your sister is Lexie? Mark's Lexie?"

"Yeah," Meredith confirmed "Hailey's actually named after her. Hailey Alexandra Grey."

"Well I'll be," Dad laughed, pounding his hand on the table. "That's a hell of a thing. Mark and Derek dating sisters."

"We love Lexie," Mom smiled softly. "She's so good for Mark and of course she had mentioned her pregnant sister but we never thought...you're Lexie's sister."

"She loves you guys too," Meredith nodded. "I...I mean I told her about Derek but asked her...just because we weren't sure..."

"Of course," Mom murmured, glancing at Dad who just shrugged, Derek doubted Meredith noticed it, but he knew it meant that they had talked about him before to Lexie. Meredith had already told him what her sister had said about him, but he really did wonder if that had been Mark's take or his parents. Based on the looks they were sharing, he could only figure it had been theirs. "Lexie said your parents are coming for Christmas."

"They are," Meredith nodded around a mouthful of fruit. "If I'm not too huge to fit behind a steering wheel, I'm going to drive to the city to spend Christmas with them."

"That sounds wonderful," Mom murmured before looking at Derek and then turning back to the stove. Dad looked down at his hands, clearing his throat as Derek shifted in his chair. Sometimes he went to New York for Christmas and he usually figure he ruined it. He knew his family wanted him there, but he could never quite match the rest of the Shepherds for excitement. So much of his love for the holidays had disappeared over the last twenty years, and that made it impossible for him to pretend for the kids, even though they did always love seeing their uncle Derek.

He glanced at Meredith, who was turning her fork over in her fingers slowly, and then at his parents who were both silent, their backs straight as they looked at anything but him. "I'll drive you, Mer," he heard himself say before he had even had a second to process the idea.

"You will?" Mom asked in a choked voice he had heard far too many times in the last twenty years.

"You don't have to, Derek," Meredith said quickly.

"I know but I will," he shrugged, gently grasping her hand in search of the calming effect she had. "I can't stay gone for too long but a few days...then I can drive you back. It will be safer."

"It will be but you really.." Meredith trailed off, her eyes meeting his as her fingers squeezed his. She understood, he knew that. She understood why Mom's voice was choked and why Dad had suddenly gotten far too interested in a piece of an apple.

"I can drive you," he murmured to her and then straightened his back. "I'm guessing I can stay in my old room for Christmas?"

"Your room is always available for you, sweetheart," Mom whispered though she still hadn't turned from the stove.

"So I'll go to the city for Christmas," he nodded firmly. "Now I don't have to worry about shipping all the gifts."

"Well, that decision can wait until closer to," Dad said in a cheerful voice as he rolled towards the coffee maker.

"No, it doesn't," Derek insisted, squeezing Meredith's hand again. "Guys, I know I've done this before. I know I have said I'm coming and then I change my mind and come up with an excuse but...I'm going to come this year."

"You said that for Liam's christening," Mom pointed out softly. She turned from the stove slowly, her eyes wet behind her glasses. "And for the twins' graduation. Chelsea called and begged you to come for her science fair last year but the second you walked into the house...you took one look at that backyard and said you had gotten an emergency call."

"I...I can go," Meredith whispered, bracing herself on the table as she started to stand. Derek immediately grabbed her hand again and pulled her back down, trying to find the words in his tight chest to tell her that he needed her here.

"Carolyn, maybe now isn't the time for hurt feelings," Dad whispered. "We even agreed last night might have gone too far."

"It didn't, Dad," Derek murmured. "Last night is why you're here right now. Last night is why I'm saying I'm coming."

"I'm just tired of unkept promises, Derek," Mom sighed. "Your sisters and your nieces and nephews are tired of unkept promises."

"I know they are and I know I have a lot to make up for," He sighed as he ran his free hand through his hair. Unpacking the suitcase wasn't going to be easy, and really, the fall out from it was going to feel impossible. But Meredith was sitting next to him, quiet but strong, and the sound of Dad's voice from the night before was overtaking his brain, blocking out any other thought process. Usually, he wouldn't have allowed this conversation to get this far but now he had to. He had to be the son his parents wanted on their terms. "I want to be there, Ma. I don't know how I'll be doing but I want to be there. I need to be there."

"Sweetheart, I know right now you are feeling like you've broken through and I am so excited for that," Mom whispered. "I want you to go through this process and I want...what I want I haven't dared to hope for in years. But you can't just wake up one day and be better."

"I know that, Ma," Derek murmured. "But I am taking a first step right now and I am telling you I will be there for Christmas. Mer will kill me if I change my mind."

"I...I don't..." Meredith shook her head, her eyes a little wide.

"I know I haven't been the best son," Derek whispered. "I know I have used the crash as an excuse and neither of you deserve that. I'm trying to fix it."

"And we appreciate that, buddy," Dad assured him. "We just also want you to know that we realize this is going to take some time."

"And I'm hoping I can make up for it all before..." Derek took a deep breath as he felt his throat constrict. "I don't want this to take up too much time. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pills and then running away and keeping you out of my life. It's...I'm sorry."

"I don't necessarily think an apology is needed," Dad smiled as he put a cup of coffee in front of Meredith, "but it is appreciated, bud."

"Ma?" Derek looked up at his mother. Her eyes were wet and dark, and the hand that was holding the spatula was shaking just a little bit. He could see the muscles of her neck working as she swallowed hard and then nodded.

"We can start working on it together," she whispered tightly. "Dad and I have a lot to work on too."

"Working on it together sounds good," Derek breathed. He dropped Meredith's hand and walked over to his mom to pull her into a tight hug, holding her against him as her shoulders shook a little. "I can do this, Mom. I really can."

"I know that, sweetheart," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "We just have to do it right this time. Not just for you or your family, but for the family you want to have."

"I know, Ma," he agreed, squeezing her even tighter when he felt some wetness on his shoulder. They both took deep breaths together and he could feel his mother digging for the strength that had gotten her through some of the darkest days of her life. He had always wondered where it lived in her, or how she had even found it after Dad had been shot, and now he just wanted an ounce of it.

"Well, those potatoes smell incredible, Carolyn," Dad said with a cough and Derek backed away from his mom and walked to get some creamer out of the fridge for Meredith. "And it's been a bit since I had a good cheese omelette."

"Hailey is a bit of a mouse and is addicted to cheese," Derek explained with a smile. He reached out to squeeze his dad's shoulder as he put the creamer on the table and let out a sigh of relief when his dad's gnarled hand closed around his for the briefest of moments.

"Derek calls her little mouse and I think the nickname is going to stick," Meredith giggled slightly.

"Oh, it's definitely going to stick," he laughed as he rubbed her stomach. "Right, little mouse? This is your name now."

"Well, I'm all for following the cravings of little mice," Dad grinned before turning back to Meredith. "If we're comparing them to animals, Derek was a little raccoon in the womb. He wanted nothing but junk food."

"Really?" Meredith gasped. "What happened?"

"I'm honestly not sure," Dad sighed. "It started with a dislike of cake and it went downhill from there. Though there are few things he'll say no to if his ma cooks it."

"That's true," Derek agreed. He leaned closer to Meredith until his lips were just over her ear. "Good?"

"Yeah," she breathed, reaching for his hand. "You?"

"Hmmm..." he breathed before kissing her neck softly. Mom was bringing the food to the table now and Dad was getting into story time mode, which definitely meant Meredith was about to be entranced by him. It felt so normal, like what his siblings had always described with their significant others and Derek was grateful for that much at least. He wanted to believe the normalcy could continue, that his breakthrough was going to be a complete turnaround, but he also knew his mom was right. This probably wasn't the beginning of a new chapter, but the end of the old one, and he needed to be prepared for how long it could take.

He had no idea how he would handle the anniversary of Alison's death or Christmas or even just dating Meredith. He didn't know what unpacking the suitcase would look or feel like and while he hoped it wouldn't hurt, he also knew it probably would. But right now, in this moment, he didn't want to worry about fear or hurt. He didn't want to give into the anxiety that was swirling beneath the surface, threatening the hope that was currently pushing forward. Right now, he just wanted to sit with Meredith and his parents and pretend, just for a little, that the hard part really was over.

_I want to watch wisteria grow_

_Right over my bare feet_

_'Cause I haven't moved in years_

_And I want you right here_

_**Author's Note: Wooooo boy. I would apologize for how long this took but I don't want to make any promises about how things might get regular. 2020 has been an absolutely awful year and I don't see it getting better any time soon. This pandemic is scary and I have truly struggled with my own mental health in ways I can't explain. I do want to say that I hope this urge to write continues because it's starting to feel therapeutic again. And also, I hope you are all healthy and doing as well as can be expected. We are currently surviving a global trauma and it is okay if you need help. Please reach out for it. Xo Katie**_


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